Chapter Text
THE9 didn’t intend for the fans to find out about their graduation concert like this, but alas the leak spread fast. Yu Shuxin had no choice but to confirm. The reaction was mixed, many were excited for the group’s long overdue graduation concert, others not so much.
In true THE9 fashion, the girls practiced endlessly, albeit not together due to differing schedules. Even so, they used this opportunity to catch up as much as they can, rekindling some old friendships for the time being. Lu Keran was happy to see her old groupmates again, it reminded her of the good times being part of THE9, even though their parent company never really used the group to their full potential. Still, this graduation is needed for closure.
After another hours long practice session, Keran collapses to the floor, spreading her arms and legs to stretch her whole body from exhaustion. Panting, she closed her eyes to calm her beating heart, when she felt a slight coldness in her right cheek. She opened her eyes to see Yuxin, handing her a water bottle, smiling.
“You seem tired,” Yuxin said cheekily, still holding on to that smile. She took the water bottle and sat up.
“Thanks. How about you, you don’t seem tired,” Keran said before taking a huge swig of water. She’s not quite wrong, compared to her, Yuxin seemed to still have energy left.
“I am, but since I started practice late, I have to catch up with you guys,” Yuxin said before sitting beside Keran, crossing her legs in the process.
She’s not quite wrong either, Yuxin had to focus on her own concert so she hadn’t been able to practice much with the group. Keran also had her own tour earlier this year.
They sit in comfortable silence, only enjoying the presence of each other’s company, just like how they used to. Keran stares at Yuxin’s side profile, slightly wishing Yuxin would stare back and cup her face to give her a tender kiss. Keran mentally slaps herself at the thought, reminding herself that they can never go back to where they used to be. Still, she wanted to enjoy this moment, and so Keran leaned on Yuxin, putting her head on her shoulders. Yuxin didn’t say anything.
Both girls are aware of their past, the late-night talks, the cuddles, the secret glances, the sneaky quick kisses in between events. They never labeled their relationship, but it would be stupid to claim it was anything platonic. After the disbandment, the relationship slowly fizzled out. Unfortunate really. They enjoyed it at the time, and maybe they miss it, but none of the two will ever admit that out loud. Sometimes, Keran finds herself thinking of Yuxin during the late nights, sometimes stalking her supertalk to see what she’s up to. It’s stupid really, Keran knows this, she has her number for god’s sake!
She never expected to end up that close with Yuxin. Maybe it’s because they both keep to themselves or maybe the slight intimidation Keran felt when she first saw her. Yuxin clad in white, dancing so freely on stage – she looked like an angel to Keran’s eyes. Then for the first ever performance, they end up in a group together, and well…
Despite getting close, there was nothing much to their relationship other than something completely platonic. It doesn’t matter that Keran would sometimes steal glances at Yuxin or that she may have felt a little funny when Yuxin uttered the words, “Yes, I will” during the group performance.
It didn’t start until after the third ranking announcement. Lin Fan was eliminated at a close 21 st , and devastation took over Keran. They’re supposed to make it together, they’re supposed to be a team and now she’s leaving her. Lin Fan tried to cheer her up by making jokes, but Keran knows in her heart that Lin Fan is devastated too. When the others went out to either eat or continue practicing, Keran stayed in their room and cried. She has practice that day too but she considered skipping. The competition was starting to get to her and Lin Fan’s elimination brought her down tenfold.
Deep in her thoughts, she didn’t notice the door opening until a voice broke her out of them, “Keran? Are you okay?”
“Yuxin… why are you here?” Keran said as she tried to wipe her tears. Immediately noticing them, Yuxin quickly walks towards her and kneels down. With her right hand, she touches Keran’s cheek and wipes a tear – sending an electric feeling in Keran. This wasn’t the first time she has coaxed her but this felt different somehow.
“I came because I didn’t see you in the studio. I thought I’d come to see if you’re okay,” Yuxin said softly, now having let go of Keran’s face.
“I’m fine. Practice without me for a while, I’ll come later,” Keran tries to give a reassuring smile. Yuxin did not look convinced.
“Tell me what’s wrong Keke,” and just like that the floodgates opened. Keran doesn’t know if it’s Yuxin’s reassuring tone or how she said her name so softly and delicately but she poured everything – about the competition, about Lin Fan. Yuxin was quiet, only occasionally nodding and hugged Keran once she was done, giving her reassurance that everything will be okay.
Keran looks up and somehow…Yuxin has never looked brighter in her eyes. She felt vulnerable and needed someone at that moment, Yuxin is that someone. Without much thought, Keran pressed her lips against Yuxin. Before she started to regret her decision, Yuxin kissed back. They both pull back in surprise but it wasn’t long before Yuxin cupped Keran’s face and kissed her again, more feverishly this time. They both arrived a little flushed at the studio an hour later.
Their shared silence was disturbed when Xie Keyin and Anqi came inside the room. They both stood up, readying themselves for another practice session.
Yuxin also missed Keran, but she drowned herself in her work in order to not dwell on the relationship. It paid off, she’s doing very well, with all the collaborations and overseas events she had to attend. But with all these successes, there is a gnawing feeling inside Yuxin that she wishes she could share them with someone. She refuses to dwell on it.
Yuxin had always been this way, refusing to think when things got too difficult. It’s easier, there’s no need to agonize over things, just move on and move forward. She refused to dwell on it when her mother chastised her looks on TV, she didn’t dwell on it when she was accused of being the reason Ladybees disbanded, and she refused to dwell on how Keran made her feel. Whether it’s a flaw or a strength, Yuxin does not know but it has served her well in the past.
Although, that has become increasingly more difficult since seeing Keran again. She stared at the ceiling, sleep refusing to come to her. She’s supposed to be resting, she has practice in a few hours but the feeling of Keran’s body on hers hasn’t left, keeping her awake. With no other solution, she got out of bed and sat at her desk, not bothering to open the lights. She opened her laptop and started typing. Writing songs has always been an outlet for Yuxin, letting the music express her innermost feelings, unspoken thoughts sung through the melodies. As the moon shines brightly through her window, she writes.
The next practice session, Keran looked around the studio and realized it was only her, Xueer, Yu Yan, and Keyin. Yuxin was nowhere to be found and she couldn’t hide her disappointment.
“Why do you look so sad?” Keyin suddenly popped out beside her, surprising Keran.
“What?” she said in confusion.
“Is Keke sad her Liu Laoshi isn’t here?” Keyin continued to tease. Keran rolled her eyes and scoffed,” In your dreams.”
The two may have tried to hide their relationship but Keyin was more perceptive than what people gave her credit for, they just chose to keep denying whenever she prods.
Keyin smirked, knowing more than she let on.
”Okay. Fine. Why don’t we go practice then?” she said before skipping towards the other members. Keran just sighed and followed her.
Keran had fallen in love with Yuxin. Keran admitted that to herself long ago. Their relationship didn’t start in the healthiest way, with Keran being at a vulnerable place. She admits that it started off as her using Yuxin as a replacement for the emotional support Lin Fan gave her, but it wasn’t difficult to fall in love with someone as caring as Yuxin. But that’s the thing, Yuxin is caring towards everyone. Yuxin is also very closed off. While Keran has poured her feelings out in front of her, Yuxin has not. Rarely has she seen her seem emotional, it’s always like she covers it up before it completely shows. This has made Keran question whether or not she feels the same way. So, she kept her feelings to herself. It was tough though, not when Yuxin stares at her like she’s her whole world. But Keran knows this is just her delusions, but sometimes she lets herself get entrapped in them. Just for a while.
“Have you ever been in love?” Keran asked out of the blue. Yuxin was quiet, taking her time to think of an answer. That’s not a question she expects after a night of intimacy.
“Why the sudden question?” She asked instead, observing the girl in her arms.
“I just want to know. I want to know more about you Yuxin,” Keran said as she stared into Yuxin’s eyes, hoping to get something, anything .
“I don’t know. I never thought about it,” Yuxin said nonchalantly.
“Really?”
“Mhm. How about you, have you fallen in love? What’s it like?”
Keran stared down in disappointment as Yuxin dodged another one of her questions, another one of her attempts to be closer.
“Falling in love…feels like a slow steady shift that sneaks up on you but once it hits, it feels like everything has changed forever. At first, it’s nothing dramatic, just a sense that being around this person makes the world a little lighter, a little easier.
“As time goes on, things start to change. You catch yourself thinking about them when they’re not around, replaying their words, their laugh, the way they looked at you during a shared joke. Everyday moments feel more meaningful when they’re involved, and you find yourself wanting to know more—what they’re thinking, what makes them happy, what keeps them up at night. You realize you care, maybe more than you expected to, and their happiness starts to matter as much as your own. Little by little, they become a part of your day, your thoughts, your plans.
“And before you know it, you're in too deep,” Keran answers as she stared deep into Yuxin’s eyes.
“Have you felt that before, Yuxin?”
Keran sometimes wondered if Yuxin suddenly confessed, if she would accept. Back then she would, there’s no doubt. But now? Keran is not sure. Considering the trajectory of their careers, will they be able to make it work? Each time, Keran chastises herself for ever thinking that will happen. It’s been two years, she needed to move on.
Yuxin came late into the day, a surprise for everyone else. She practiced alone while everyone else went to get dinner. Worried that she hasn’t eaten yet, Keran decides to get take out for her. While Yuxin is great at taking care of others, not so much when it comes to herself. She walks into the studio, the music still blasting and in the middle was Yuxin dancing. She stopped when she noticed Keran in the mirror, holding a plastic bag.
“Uhm, I was worried you haven’t eaten yet so I brought you some food.”
Yuxin smiled, the same old mysterious smile Keran was used to. She could never figure out the true emotion behind it.
“You shouldn’t have Keke, but thank you,” Yuxin said, taking the bag and sitting on the floor. She beckoned Keran to sit with her.
“I don’t think I can eat all of this, do you want to share?”
Keran is quite full but she agreed. As they ate without a word, Yuxin decided to break the silence, “I heard your new song by the way.”
“Really? I didn’t think you’d even hear about it,” Keran teased. “Don’t be like that,” Yuxin said as she lightly bumped their shoulders together, ignoring the implications in Keran’s words.
“It was really cute. You sounded nice,” Yuxin smiles. It was a simple compliment but Keran still felt the heat creep up to her cheeks.
“Thank you. I wrote it about someone,” Keran stopped there, keeping herself from disclosing more information. She wrote the song back when she was falling in love, but Yuxin didn’t need to know that.
"How about you, any new songs coming up?” She asks to distract from what she said.
“It might be a while before that,” Yuxin laughed, “But I have written a few already. I just don’t think any of them is good enough yet.”
“With your perfectionism, it’ll probably take you a hundred songs before you find the right one,” Keran teased. Yuxin playfully rolled her eyes,” Come one, I’m not that bad.” Keran only chuckled.
The two continued to converse, catching up on many things they’ve missed, from events to shows to new friendships. Maybe practice can wait. Keran went home feeling good that night, Yuxin on the other hand knew that another sleepless night was awaiting her.
“Have you felt that before, Yuxin?”
Yuxin was transported back to that night, when Keran had asked her a question she could not answer. As always, she dodged it, claiming to be too tired to answer. It was easy to just say no, but she hesitated. Why? Yuxin didn’t think too long about it to answer. Now two years later, does she have an answer?
When Keran kissed her for the first time, Yuxin didn’t know what to think. She never thought of getting with a girl, or perhaps getting with anyone. But at that moment, Keran’s lips on her felt good. Being with Keran felt good . That’s what she operated on when they were together. She enjoyed the time they spent, how Keran makes her laugh or how cute Keran is when she gets flustered. She enjoyed the nights they spent under the covers; hearing Keran’s cries of pleasure as she thrusts into her made Yuxin go crazy. Was there ever more than that? Did something change?
The gnawing feeling creeps back, maybe it’s time to finally answer the question; What does she feel for Keran?
Lu Keran…has this magnetic presence that’s hard to put into words. It's not just her talent or how effortlessly cool she seems, though Yuxin admits she’s more cute than cool. It’s the way she carries herself—with a quiet confidence that never feels overbearing. She has this balance of strength and vulnerability, like she knows exactly who she is but isn’t afraid to show her softer side – something Yuxin tries to get better at.
Yuxin had always admired how incredibly hardworking Keran is, always pushing herself to be better, but there’s also this playful, carefree energy about her that makes everything feel lighter when she’s around. Her laughter is contagious, and when she smiles, it’s like the whole room brightens.
But what stands out most is how deeply she cares for the people close to her. Keran is always looking out for others, and there’s this protective side to her that makes you feel safe, like she’d go to the ends of the earth to be there for you. Even in the little moments, she has a way of making you feel seen, like you’re the only person in the world that matters to her in that moment.
Yuxin found herself smiling.
Shit.
Shit. Shit . Shit .
Just like that, the realization hit Yuxin like a truck. She likes Keran, and she doesn’t know what to do. She looks at the laptop at her desk, the unfinished song calling out to her. Just like any time she feels overwhelmed with emotion, she writes. She finished the song that night. As the realization slowly set in, she decided to talk to Keran about this as soon as possible. After the graduation concert, Yuxin wasn’t quite sure if she had another chance.
The day of the concert came and it was a hit! Many of their fans came, lightsticks and banners in hand, cheering for their favorite idols one last time. Performing together again was a surreal experience, and the girls try to savor the moment for as long as they can. After the concert for the first day, the girls decided to have a little celebration, for a job well done. The girls did not waste any time taking pictures, a reminder of this moment. Yuxin and Keran took a cheeky photo of their own, with Yuxin holding a small lump of Keran’s hair. She usually hates it when people touch her hair, but Yuxin had always been an exception.
Still, unanswered questions hung in the air between them, begging for answers. Yuxin decided to take the first shot.
“Keran...I –“ Yuxin paused, unsure how to continue. Keran didn’t need to hear any more, she had a feeling of what it’s about. She puts her finger on Yuxin’s lips to silence her.
“Not now. Let’s talk after the show tomorrow. How about we enjoy this reunion first before we sour everything,” Keran whispered with a smile. Yuxin couldn’t do anything but slowly nod. Keran took her hand and pulled her towards the others.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow they’ll finally talk about it, the long overdue conversation about their relationship. For now, Yuxin decided to enjoy herself and took a glass full of beer.
The second night was more emotional than the first. As they descended from the stage and the last few notes of Promise played out, the girls could not contain their tears as they hugged each other earnestly. It’s over, THE9 was officially disbanded and there’s nothing more after this. Through the tears, they promised each other to keep in touch, who knows how long that will last.
Yuxin felt a pinch in her heart at the thought, it may not always show but she truly does care for these girls. The 2 years with barely any contact pained her, but what pains her even more is drifting away from the girl she cares for the most.
They went their separate ways that night, except for Yuxin and Keran. There was a silence, not the same comfortable silence that they’re used to, but none were willing to break it.
“Do you want to go to the park and talk there?” Keran asked, finally. Yuxin only nods before they go on their way.
They both sit at a bench, feeling the night breeze on their faces.
“Keran, I like you,” Yuxin said bluntly, surprising Keran, and maybe even herself. Yuxin had always been very reserved, rarely divulging her own feelings but at times like these, she has her own surprises.
“Remember when you asked me if I’ve ever fallen in love before? I refused to answer then, I think I have an answer now. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, trying to find the right words, and it’s taken me longer than I expected to finally say it. I think it’s because I didn’t realize what was happening, not fully, not until now. But here it is: I’m in love with you.
“I didn’t see it coming at first. I didn’t even realize how much you’d become a part of my life, how you’d found your way into my thoughts, my plans, and my day-to-day without me even noticing. But now that I see it, I can’t ignore it anymore. I can’t pretend like I don’t think about you when you’re not around, or that I don’t catch myself smiling when I replay our conversations or those little moments we share.
“I don’t know when exactly it shifted, but somewhere along the way, you became so important to me. I started caring about your happiness like it was my own, and your laugh started meaning more than it should have. And now, here I am, realizing that what I feel for you is so much deeper than I ever let myself admit.
“I don’t expect anything from you—I just needed to say it, to let you know. No matter what happens, I’m glad I finally figured it out. You’ve become such a big part of my life, and now I realize I want you to stay in it, not just as a friend, but as something more,” for the very first time, Yuxin poured her heart out in front of Keran, letting the vulnerability show.
Keran didn’t know what to think. Yuxin likes her… Should she accept?
Rushing towards you, unable to hide my feelings
I’m waiting for your reply to my message
Your actions are messing with my emotions
One day, we’ll be able to close the distance between us”