Work Text:
Things have been weird all day. Atsushi has been avoiding his gaze, Ranpo has been snickering at practically everything, Yosano has a horrifying, knowing look in her eye, and many more vaguely concerning things. Maybe Dazai would be paying more attention to what it all means if he weren’t busy trying to nap on the agency couch. He’d had a fitful night of sleep, hell, a fitful week of sleep, and he needed his nappies, goddamnit!
After another unsuccessful attempt at sleep, Dazai peeks an eye open and points it at Atsushi.
“Where’s Kunikida? I haven’t seen him all day.” Suddenly, his head is being smacked with a stack of papers.
Yosano stands over him and crosses her arms, “He’s out running errands for the agency; don’t bother him.” she scolds.
“Me? Bother Kunikida? Well I never-”
"Yeah, yeah, no need to pretend you’re not an obnioxious little shit; we all know you here, Dazai.”
Dazai pouts and crosses his arms, “You guys never let me have fun around here.”
Yosano scoffs, “As if you listen to us enough for that to be true.”
“That’s right! So I’ll be off then!” he sits up, ready to cause problems.
“Ah-ah-ah, you’re staying right here, Bucko.” She presses him back down by his shoulders, “If you need something to do so bad, you can take on a case.”
“Nooooo, I can’t work today; I’m sweepy.”
“Uhuh, that’s what I thought. Stay down, soldier.”
The bandaged detective rolls his eyes and “stays down” until Yosano leaves. Then he noses around the agency looking for clues. He searched for things the agency would need so much that Kunikida would actually leave the office for a non-case-related purpose. Kunikida is a meticulous man, but also an efficient one. There's no way he’d leave for just one or two items, and Tanizaki did the normal grocery run this week.
Were they planning some sort of celebration? Why not tell him? Unless… were they planning a birthday party for him? Ugh, that would be exhausting, but… well, maybe it could be nice too. Dazai is a hard man to surprise, so their keeping it hidden this long is.. a miracle, really. He can just pretend to be surprised when the time comes. That, and stop pushing for answers now. But what will he dooooooo, it’s so boring hereeee.
Maybe he could still snoop a little bit; he just needs to be subtle. He can do that; stealth is his forte, maybe even his calling. The only person potentially more sly and covert than Dazai in the agency is Tanizaki. What with his ability basically being stealth squared. Still, that’s a pretty good amount of stealth for Dazai. So he haphazardly shuffles through file cabinets and sloppily probes and prods around Kunikidas desk.
You see, the stealthy part is that he’s paying more attention than he lets on. Everyone expects him to be nosey and careless, but if they think he’s uninterested enough, he could get away with this. He sneaks his happy little ass out of the building a few minutes later, and with the clues he’s collected, he might just uncover where the valiant Kunikida is, and what he’s doing. So if it is a birthday party, then Kunikida might be at the store. And since everyone is trying to keep him at work, the party must be in his own dorm room.
Ahah! He’s still got it. Now, ruining the surprises would no doubt lower the morale of his bright and squeaky coworkers. So, he’ll just take a peek. Nothing terrible, really. It’s his dorm anyway. He makes a beeline for the agency dormatory. The door to his dwelling is wide open, inviting him in, as if he were an expected guest. He hears various signs of life in the home and makes his way toward the sounds. An unexpected sight greets him. Chuuya is sitting crisscross.. in the air. Kunikida is hunched over a pile of wood with some random tool in his hand.
“What’s going on here?” Dazai questions.
Kunikida glances at him a moment before continuing his work.
“I figured it was about time you got a bed frame, you damn mongrel.” he huffs out, almost affectionately.
Dazai scowls, “I am no mongrel, and why are we installing a bed frame?”
“We? I am doing all the work here.” he rolls his eyes, “and if you haven’t noticed, your living situation is a crime to humanity.”
Chuuya snorts abruptly at Kunikidas remark, leading to a small, barely-there smile gracing the poets face. Dazai balks at Chuuya, then Kunikida.
“Are you two flirting right now? In my holy place of worship?”
“You are the furthest thing from holy, damn mackerel.”
“How would you know that Slug?”
“Because I’ve watched you commit sins on many occasions-”
“I’m a changed man, chibi! The lord has saved my wretched soul from enternal punishment!”
“Current sins. As in this week.” Chuuya sighs deeply, “There is no convienable way your ass managed to repent from all the shit you’ve done within that time frame, and even less of a chance that you actually attempted in the first place.”
Kunikinda chuckles, “I agree; if Dazai had gotten himself straight through religion or otherwise, I would have noticed.”
“I’m sorry you have to put up with his shit, but at the same time, I’m relieved that I don’t have to anymore.” Chuuya states.
“Guys, I am right here.” Dazai declares incredulously.
Chuuya and Kunikida ignore him and continue chatting. The bandaged detective stands in his dorm room unmoving or blinking until he’s shaken out of his stupor by a well-known slug.
“..anpo’s here; I don’t know how he predicted you’d figure out our surprise, but he’s here to gloat, I think.”
Dazai holds his breath for a second, “Yeah.. that sounds like him.”
“You bet I am!” Ranpo affirms and slings an arm around Dazai’s shoulder.
Kunikida nods appreciatively and begins collecting the tools he used to assemble the bred frame, “We haven’t gotten the mattress in yet, but Chuuya will be up with it in a few minutes.”
Ranpo acknowledges this and turns to Dazai, “So how do you feel about your gift?”
“Shouldn’t you have already deduced that?”
“Nah, s’not my place, and I didn’t get paid enough to think about it.”
“Right, it’s gonna be weird having a bed.”
“Yeah, I bet. Your place is always a depression pit.”
Dazai nods, hops on his kitchen counter, and settles into a comfortable seated position. Ranpo waves him a casual ‘bye’ as Chuuya comes in with a floating mattress behind him.
“Delivery for a bastard, hello, is bastard home?”
Dazai snickers, “Nope, he just left.”
Chuuya huffs, “Whatever mackerel.”
When everyone leaves Dazai to test out his new bed, he thinks how almost bitter sweet it is. He had been expecting a party, and even looked forward to it, only to get furniture he never asked for. (Note: he also never asked for a birthday party.) Yet, despite how unsure he was about the new addition to his home, he was silently grateful, for the best night of sleep he’d had all week.
Were Kunikida and Chuuya going to be a thing now? They got along too well; what if they’re gonna be all in his face sappy about it? Fuck, he has to think about that later, damn!