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Barok surely didn't deserve this. This warmth, this love, this kindness… After ten years of thinking he’d never experience love again, he met the two men he’d eventually call his lovers. Kazuma and Ryunosuke both brought so much joy to his life… yet he couldn’t stop worrying that it would all be taken away from him.
His worries were getting so bad that he could no longer enjoy even their time together.
Whenever Kazuma teased him, something that annoyed him in the beginning but he now loved more than anything, he could no longer enjoy it. He could only wonder when Kazuma would get tired of poking fun at him, and when the playful jabs he’d grown to love would stop.
Whenever Ryunosuke settled against him during their quiet evenings in the parlor, all he could think about was how this might be the last time he ever got to hold Ryunosuke like that. His mind would tell him that one day Ryunosuke would decide he didn’t want to be with someone as bitter and cold as him, or that one day he would be killed.
Barok didn’t want to think like this, but after his life was marred with so much loss, it was difficult not to think that way. He often feared for Ryunosuke and Kazuma’s lives, even if he never showed it outwardly.
Even now, as he lay in bed cuddled between his sweet Ryunosuke and Kazuma, he could not completely dispel these worries.
There were a million ways to die.
Kazuma was making a name for himself as a prosecutor. Attacks on him were becoming more and more common. It was just a matter of time before he was caught off guard, unable to fight back in time. The thought of him finding Kazuma’s lifeless body, blood soaking through his white uniform, coating Barok’s gloves as he tried to stop the bleeding, denying the truth despite knowing deep down it was already too late…
The very thought drew a shaky breath from Barok. His eyes were wet with unshed tears
Ryunosuke had enemies too. And he was much too trusting for his own good. God, it would be so easy to poison him, wouldn’t it. And depending on the poison used, his final moments could be rife with pain and misery. Or… foul play wouldn’t even need to be involved. People died suddenly all the time. Barok pushed himself up into a sitting position. He turned to Ryunosuke, sleeping peacefully next to him and watched the slow rise and fall of his chest. He drew his gaze up to his face. He looked so calm and happy, a soft smile on his face even in sleep. What would happen if Barok and Kazuma woke up, and he didn’t? What if Ryunosuke never woke up ever again, and this was the last time Barok ever saw him alive?
Barok’s breath came in short, quick gasps. He couldn’t handle these thoughts, and yet, his brain just kept supplying them. It was winter, and Kazuma hated the cold; what if he got lost and froze to death? What if Ryunosuke, with his propensity for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, ended up being shot during a failed robbery? What if his Kazuma got sick, and was unable to recover, succumbing to his illness after a long and painful struggle? His Ryunosuke was terribly clumsy, and while it was endearing the majority of the time, what if one day, it led to his demise? He was told of the incident on the S.S. Burya. If they were that close to losing Kazuma… Who’s to say it wouldn’t happen again, to either of them? Humans were really so fragile… And fate was already so intent on taking those Barok loved away from him…
Barok had spent ten years fearing his own life, learning all he could to protect himself, and his career as a prosecutor meant he knew countless ways one could be murdered, or simply die on accident.
“Barok, what’s wrong?”
Someone was speaking, but his voice was muted. Barok could not tell which man the question came from.
He was only barely cognizant of a hand on his shoulder.
“I…”
“Barok, are you ok? What happened?” A different voice now, but still muted, as if he was underwater.
The comforting touches on his back and arms felt far away, as if from a different time.
What if Barok himself died? Then he would never see Kazuma nor Ryunosuke ever again. Barok knew how to protect himself, but as it got harder and harder to breathe, he thought that he might just die like this, suffocating, crushed by his worries.
“Barok, take some deep breaths, for me, please.”
Kazuma moved in front of him, and he filled Barok’s vision. His eyes were narrowed with an unreadable expression, yet he could not mask his worry.
Barok tried to take deep breaths, but every time he did, an image of either Ryunosuke or Kazuma, lying lifeless in a pool of blood flashed through his mind, causing him to double over, still gasping for air.
Barok didn’t know how long it took for him to come back to himself. Ryunosuke and Kazuma stayed with him the whole time, their continued touches helping ground him amidst his swirling thoughts. Barok managed to take a few deep, albeit shaky, breaths.
“Pray forgive the discourtesy of waking you…” Barok whispered.
“It’s no problem, Barok, are you alright?” Ryunosuke said.
Kazuma nodded firmly in agreement, the look of concern not leaving his face. “What happened?”
“I… I love you both so much… I just… I fear losing you.”
“Oh, Barok–” Ryunosuke threw his arms around him– “we’re not going anywhere.”
“Ryunosuke’s right. You’re stuck with us.” Kazuma smirked, kissing Barok’s cheek.
“But… what if it is not your choice to leave?
Kazuma frowned, confused. “I don’t understand.”
“Barok…” Ryunosuke pulled away to look Barok in the eyes. “Are you worried about us dying?”
Realization seemed to dawn on Kazuma. It made sense for Barok to fear losing them in that way, especially considering what happened to his brother.
“I… began considering the possibility, and it seems my thoughts got away from me.”
Ryunosuke’s face crumpled. “Barok… Kazuma and I are young, and well, not that you aren’t, of course, you’re still quite young too, I didn’t mean to make it seem like you’re old or anything…” Ryunosuke chuckled softly. “I–”
“What Ryuu’s point is,” Kazuma cut in, “is that there’s still years before we need to consider this. We’re not going to be dying for a long time.”
“What if… what if something happens?” Barok frowned.
“Something could happen.” Kazuma took Barok’s hand in his own. “But that doesn’t mean it will. You don’t need to focus on these fears.”
“I don’t like focusing on the ‘what ifs’,” Ryunosuke smiled softly. “It makes it hard to enjoy life. Something could happen, yes, but probably not. We’re going to be together for a very long time, Barok.”
Barok took a shaky breath, nodding slowly. “I want that more than anything… to be with you both for years and years.”
“Then you have to stop worrying,” Kazuma ordered. “All this stress is not good for you, my love. If you want to actually enjoy your life with us, then you have to actually enjoy it, instead of spending your time worrying.”
“You are right.”
“As always.” Kazuma smirked.
Ryunosuke shot Kazuma a doubtful look, which Kazuma responded to by reaching over Barok and pushing Ryunosuke over.
Barok’s eyes widened as he thought about what could happen. What if Ryunosuke fell out of the bed, what if he–
No!
Barok took a deep breath. He could hear Ryunosuke’s soft giggles. He was fine. If he wanted to stop worrying all the time, then he needed to actually work on stopping these thoughts.
“See, Barok?” Ryunosuke sat back up, placing his hand on the side of Barok’s face. “I’m fine. I’m ok.”
“Yes. You are.” Barok smiled softly.
Ryunosuke was ok.
Kazuma was ok.
And Barok would be ok.
He could beat these intrusive thoughts.