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The dark club was filled to the brim with sweating drunk people, male and female to the same amount, dancing or swaying to the blasting music and the color changing lights. I had no idea what the time was by now and actually I couldn’t have cared less in that second. What I knew for sure was that I had to touch many many bodies on my way over to the toilets. I felt hands on me, wandering over my shoulders and down my back, touching my slim waist or teasingly caressing my chest and nipples while I was forced to a stop because someone just stepped into my way and I had to find the next gap between two people. When did I lose my shirt? I couldn’t remember and the moment I thought about it, it was already lost in the calm hum of my brain, dulled down into a trance like state, just vibing. After a big inhale I let out a loud cheer and even though I startled the girls around me, they cheered along while shamelessly touching my arm muscles and abs. One of them even shoved money into the hem of my boxers. Where did I wanna go? No idea. Those girls seemed cool and asked me to come with them. The girl with the money, a cute one with black bangs, pink glasses and a wide grin openly invited me home but I just waved my hand in the internationally known movement of “I’m gay”. They giggled and the cute girl still gave me her number. A while later I finally had found the toilets. With a lot of guilt I tried to hit the urinal but eventually I failed. Oops.
I did wash my hands though. At least I was like fifty percent sure I’d done it when I sat down at the bar and winked at the cute bartender who just raised an eyebrow at me.
“Han Jisung, you’re still alive? How is your liver coping?”
I grinned stupidly and Jeongin just slid a glass of RedBull and vodka over to me while lifting the same drink for himself. Every time he worked a shift while I was here I paid one or two drinks for him - I never bought drinks for anyone else.
Until I did.
It was probably close to morning already, according to the few unconcious people in the booths and even lesser ones, moving around me on the dancefloor. Someone grabbed my hips and rubbed an obvious bulge against my ass. For a bit I went with it but then I turned around, patted the taller guy's chest and left to hop back on the bar stool in front of Innie.
“Hi there”, I greeted him with a heavy tongue.
“Hey”, he giggled, “One more?”
“No, he’s had enough”, a soft voice intervened.
“Heeyyy”, I whined and turned to my left, where some male deity of beauty had leaned himself against the bar.
“And you are…?”, Innie questioned him, which I clearly wasn’t capable of. This man could take me home, put me in a nice dress and call me wife and I would willingly go on my knees and suck his dick. My stomach rumbled - maybe I should suck his dick after sleeping that following hangover off.
I neither heard his name nor anything of the conversation Innie and the deity had. Was he real? Or was I tripping? I had been pretty sure I only had alcohol the whole night but thinking about it I couldn’t tell for sure.
Somehow I had gotten outside and was put into a warm hoodie. The deity was walking beside me, once closer, then further away, then closer again. Did he move or did I? He smiled at me and I grinned back.
“Feeling a bit more sober now?”
“Nah”, I giggled. “Not as long as I can see you. But I have to say you are the best hallucination my drugged brain ever came up with. Where did you hide in there, huh?”
I think he laughed at that before letting out a string of curses, but I wasn’t sure.
I couldn’t exactly see anymore but his tender and simultaneously maniacal laugh rang in my head for the rest of the night.
-○●○●○-
The hoodie smelled nice.
At least it had before I vomited all over it while falling out of my bed. Great way to wake up, really.
Roused by the thud my body made while hitting the floor, Felix threw open the door, gagged audibly and closed it again.
“FUCK! WARN ME NEXT TIME, JISUNG!”
My head pounded, everything spinned and I really considered sleeping until I woke up again from the next wave of nausea.
“ARE YOU ALIVE IN THERE?”
I groaned as an answer and moved enough to have an upwards position and reach for the tissues in my nightstand.
After roughly cleaning myself, throwing my clothes and the hoodie into the washing machine (and holding contact to Lix by meowing back and forth so he could be sure to avoid me) and cleaning the worst mess from my floor, I freed myself from my underwear to take a shower. Some money bills and a piece of paper fell out of my boxers onto the plush shaggy carpet. Where the heck did those come from? My stomach and I decided to not even try to bow down there and even after the shower I just went straight back to my room to finish cleaning up, almost vomiting again but hey, I did it.
When I woke up again it was late afternoon and the first thing I did was running to the bathroom. Sighting, I sank down on the floor after choking up some bile and tried to regain my breath. My eyes fell on the money and piece of paper, stacked neatly on the counter of the bathroom sink. Felix must have picked them up. I took the piece of paper and carried it with me to the kitchen where I put it into the pocket of my hoodie and downed a glass of water. Only when I was sure that it was going to stay in my stomach, I ate a bit and shambled over to Felix’ room to knock carefully, giving him some time before entering.
I remembered when we met at a cosplay convention for the first time, years ago. Felix was glowing with his long blond hair (which I later learned were partly extensions), the white leg of mutton sleeves and the violet costume. He was the Allen Schezar to my Van Fanel. We greeted each other with finger guns, talked hours about shared fandoms and the rest was history.
A lot had changed since then.
Felix finished school with unbelievably good grades, worked night shift as a nurse in the children section in the local hospital and had created a perfect work-life-balance for himself.
I had also finished school… but my grades were far worse, thanks to my (undiagnosed, since I never really had the courage to see someone about it) depression and social anxiety. With a finished degree in music and dance I tried my best to get into producing or songwriting but since I had problems actually talking to people and on some days with leaving my bed at all, I failed miserably until I met Chan and Changbin. Together we produced some great songs as a trio and we even produced for some better known artists. But still I felt like it was harder for me to keep up with the pace and everything around me. So I tried to cope and Felix tried his best, in the last six months to get ahold of myself, he really did.
But I was already too far gone, I knew that. And even if I wanted, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to escape my own death spiral, which sucked me downwards only gaining speed.
Felix looked up from the Manga he was reading and smiled. The care in his eyes made me feel a bit ashamed.
“Hi”, he hummed and made room for me on his bed. “Tell me, baby, who was the pretty prince who brought you home?”
I pursed my lips in confusion. “Who?”
He gave me a look and I picked invisible crumbs from his fluffy blanket.
“You are kidding. You don’t remember him?”
“To be completely honest, I don’t remember most of the night.”
There was some bland picture from Jeongin (the bartender) and another one of a hand on my naked chest. Wait… Hadn’t I thrown a hoodie into the washing machine?
“Oh, he has to be the owner of the hoodie! I wonder where I lost my shirt…”
Felix looked at me as if I had lost my last brain cell. Maybe I did. My head was still hurting and the more I tried to remember anything, the more it felt like I was running against a wall, gaining only a bump on my forehead growing like I was a baby unicorn.
“Did you take some painkillers?”, Lix asked worriedly.
I moved my head vaguely. “No, I have no idea what…”
i had no idea what I had consumed the night before and how it would react with painkillers. Defiant I tried to gulp down the lump in my throat as Felix’ slung his arms around me. He knew. And I knew, he knew, that’s why I openly talked to him. But I also knew how awful he thought it was and what a shame that I got on the wrong track.
“Well, he was pretty. And also pretty worried. He asked me four times if I could bring you to your bed alone and if I could keep an eye on you so you wouldn’t die in your sleep. It seemed like he knew you, actually.”
I shrugged. Suddenly I was very very tired again. Probably because I had been awake for more than twenty hours the day before.
“I have no idea who it could have been, Lix.” I didn’t even know how I was able to tell him where I lived, but luck seemed to have been on my side yesterday. We talked a bit more, before I went back into my room, carefully pulled a bottle of cheap whiskey out of my drawer on the nightstand and sipped on it. Hopefully it would drown out that awful feeling of guilt in my chest. My stomach turned, but before anything more happened, I already took a second gulp and hid the bottle back in the nightstand.
Felix didn’t have to know about this one.
-○●○●○-
“Sssssshoooooooonginniiiiiiiie!”, I exclaimed excitedly when I entered the still rather empty club. Jeongin always worked on Sunday nights and since it was still early, there was no one waiting at the bar to be served - the younger one waved but his big grin faltered when he heard my pronunciation. Was it already that bad? My tongue felt heavier than normal but if it was that noticeable I had to pull my shit together. “Hey”, I greeted a bit calmer, leaning both of my elbows onto the bar, placing my head on my forearms. Innocently I looked up through my eyelashes and blinked up at him. “How are you doing?”, I asked.
“I’m great, Han. How are YOU doing? Had something to warm up before coming here?”
So it had been too noticeable. Fuck.
“I’m totally good. Yeah, only some light drinks. Want something too? I was thinking about a beer maybe?”
The touch on my shoulder made me jump but the warmth of the hand resting there oozed through my black T-Shirt and skin directly into my bones.
“Hey, Minho. Want a beer too?”
Jeongin’s grin was back as he put my bottle on the bar and prepared his lemonade. He giggled a bit and winked at me. “It’s on Mr. Only-Some-Light-Dinks”
“Innie, don’t make it sound like I’m an alcoholic! But sure it’s on-” I had turned to the guy beside me a bit too quickly and couldn’t figure out whether my eyesight was giving me trouble or I was swaying like a flower in the wind. That comparison usually would have made me smile but I was frozen in place, as I watched the most beautiful man in all the world's history lift an eyebrow at me. Whoever he was, whatever he wanted and even if I would never see him again, I was sure that his face, the slight smirk, the sheepishness in his eyes would stay in my brain forever, no matter how blackout drunk I would come back home tonight. “-me.” I finished. This guy had to be a gift by the gods. No. He had to be a god himself. Some deity, who settled on earth to give a gift to humanity, to give them the sight of his beauty and perfectness. Something was wrong with that word but I had no intention of lingering on that problem because the god of beauty hummed a ‘thank you’, called me very generous and brought my bottle of beer to his lips. His very pretty formed, pinkish coloured, soft looking lips. I gulped as his throat moved as he swallowed down the first sip of beer. My beer. Innie had to give me something stronger and I just wanted to vocalize my thoughts when the god of beauty talked to me.
“I think we’re going to share this one. Sit with me?”
He intertwined our fingers and just pulled me with him to the tables. His touch made my skin tingle and looking at our hands I had that weird sensation of recognition but how could I forget a face like his? It had to be a joke of my head, a dream I once dreamt maybe, of a similar hand and a quite tingly feeling.
We shared the beer and we shared words and I learned his name was Minho and I knew the half bottle of whiskey to warm up to come here had been too much. Did he know? I tried to keep it for myself, I tried to talk less and encourage him to talk but it didn’t take long and the club filled up. The music was getting louder and louder and I suggested a shot and dancing. Minho agreed.
I felt like flying, spinning and moving to the music, the god of beauty on my side, his burning touch on my shoulders and waist and I couldn’t imagine ever forgetting this feeling.
-○●○●○-
“Jisung! Are you okay?”, Chan asked, a hint of panic in his voice.
The same time Changbin let out: “What the actual fuck, Jisung?!”
In my head, all together it sounded like: “Jisung, the actual okay Jisung”
Hiding my pounding head behind my hands I groaned: “Yeah. The actual okay Jisung.”
This was followed by silence.
I had fallen asleep while working on music again.
Or rather I had worked, gotten frustrated, consumed the contents of my reusable bottle (which may or may not have contained a soft drink mixed with alcohol) and then cried myself to sleep on the sofa of the small booked studio (which was paid by Changbin and Chan because I was actually only living on the money they made with newer productions or some of my own older songs).
And everything was my own fault.
I had lost my sparkle.
Chan and Changbin’s voices blurred into some hum in the back of my head.
It was my fault.
I was dumb and pathetic, socially awkward, bad in communication and an anxiety ridden hamster, awake at night, unreachable at day, hiding from the light of the day in my safe space (a.k.a my bed). My skin was still darker than the beauty standard required, my cheeks were too squishy (although I more often forgot to eat instead of actually eating) and overall I wasn’t the personification of beauty. That thought made something in me stir, as I blankly stared at the ceiling.
Both of my two previous relationships ended in heartbreak. Number one had lied to me and cheated for the whole time of our not very long lasting togetherness and number two had known exactly how to tear me down more than I already did in my own head. Which meant my thoughts about myself had to be right. All of that gave me a lot to write about and I had made pretty good music for a while. But then, one day the spring was empty, my sparkle lost and all that was left was me and my pathetic self. And no one wanted to hear songs about that. I needed something to drink.
Everything didn’t seem as bad, when I had some funny-juice.
“Are you even listening? Seriously, Jisung. I’m worried. You’re drunk most of the time when I see you and the rest of time you’re hungover”, Chan said and scrunched his nose in displeasure. “And I’m not even sure which one of both you are now.”
Well, that DID sum up my life pretty much but I was not ready to have that talk right now, so I cut Changbin off, who wore a concerned face as well and just opened his mouth to add his opinion. With a smoother movement than I had expected myself to master right now, I jumped up from the sofa and walked past them, careful to hold my breath while being near them.
“I was here the whole night, so I’m just going to get a quick breakfast and come back! You can go on without me for now, right?”
I didn’t wait for an answer, as the heavy door slammed closed with a loud noise, followed by my own deep sight.
Chan was right to worry about my health. But he shouldn’t do it. It was my part to take care of myself. And obviously I did a very very bad job at that.
Just another thing to add to the list of my failures.
-○●○●○-
I escaped the dinner with Chan and Changbin by stating how stinky I felt after a whole night and day at the studio. They didn’t bring up the topic of alcohol again but I could read enough out of their faces and glances.
Felix was out, probably working and so there was no one to stop me in any way from following my desire. I quickly emptied a can of beer, nice and cold, out of the mini-fridge in my room. I watched a drop of water running down the cold metal, meeting my finger to follow its path further downwards to the back of my hand.
Shit.
Maybe I did have a problem with alcohol.
The thought made me get up and abandon the empty can on my nightstand. Trying to silence my mind I ran to the bathroom and hopped into a way too hot shower. Disgusted by myself I scrubbed my skin until it turned red, one sentence spinning around in my head like a broken music box, sometimes stopping mid sentence and starting anew just a second later.
“I am an alcoholic. I am….alcoholic… I… alcoholic... I am.. I am an alcoholic.”
It was then when a nameless face popped up in my mind, of a beautiful dark haired man. With a groan I put my face directly under the hot steaming water. It tickled my cheeks, burned my nose and all I could see was the face of this…. of this god of beauty or something.
Great. Now I was making people up too.
A cough woke me from my numbness under the hot water, which found its way into my lungs.
After turning off the water and drying off the most droplets on my skin, I hid in my favorite hoodie.
Hoodie.
Didn’t I wear an unknown hoodie a while ago, when I came home from the club? And hadn’t Felix said something about a beautiful man? Could it be…?
No.
I violently shook my head to stop any excitement from growing. When I put my hands into the pocket in the front of the piece of clothing, I suddenly touched a piece of paper.
It was small, a few numbers were written on it.
A phone number.
Curiously I googled it.
Nothing came up.
My head started to hurt. Where did I get that number from? WHO did I get it from?
A scene opened up in my head, like a Youtube-Clip. Our bathroom, pulling down my boxershorts, money and the phone number.
Not the memory I really wanted but the best I would get, I guessed. So I moved into my bed and navigated to my messenger app.
Hoodie Owner?
Hey! I found a piece of paper
with your number in my clothes!
Any chance you gave me your
hoodie? :)
I cringed at the message and locked my phone, before putting it next to the empty beer can on my nightstand. Head empty I stared at it, until my eyes started to burn. My phone vibrated.
Hoodie Owner?
Hi, Sung, right??
I’m Ryuna! I had no hoodie
on me when we met and you
were half naked so I’m
sorry but I have no idea
where you got that hoodie from.
Jisung, yeah
Sorry for bothering you!
My heart sank. Very great. It wasn’t enough to steal someone’s hoodie, it seemed like I also annoyed some innocent girl that night. Enough for her to give me her number. Oh shit… hopefully I…
Ryuna
I did tell you that I’m gay,
right?!?! Because if I flirted
with you, I am so so so so
sorry!
You’re good! Did tell me!
Just thought you could
be fun as a friend! :)
Oh, thank god, I didn’t promise anything I couldn’t fulfill.
It was only a few hours later when I threw on some nicer clothes to go to the club.
-○●○●○-
Seen from a business perspective, had the mid-month-mixer been the best idea of the year. It was a special day, where everyone in the club got their own cup at the entrance and everything was color coded. Green cups meant “Single” while a red cup let everyone know that you weren’t interested in getting to know anyone. There were like five other cup colors but I didn’t really care about those, since my go to was the red one. For a weekday, the house was pretty full but I found a free seat at the bar. I paid for a beer and frowned at my empty wallet. The empty spot, where my credit card (which could only pay out from an empty bank account feeding the big minus in front of the probably three digit number) had been, stared up at me. Where had I put it? I should call my bank tomorrow. Still frowning, I put my wallet away and sipped on my beer. It would be the only one tonight (after the one I secretly had after breakfast and the one I gulped down when I came home). By far not enough to get me drunk enough to stop hating myself and not enough to numb down the guilt. I tried to concentrate on the muscle in my nervously bouncing leg.
“It’s fine”, I told myself whispering even though I felt the frustration rise inside of me. It was probably good. I should stop drinking as much. At least that’s what Chan, Changbin and Felix said. My friends who certainly cared about me, my health and well-being. Innie wasn’t here tonight but I was kind of curious what he would say about that. On the other hand - was Jeongin my friend? He was just a bartender, forced to serve me and kind of listening to me, right? He probably appreciated that I paid for him more than I had money for (I didn’t even have enough money to pay my own shit to begin with), but was I more to him, than someone he got free drinks from?
It was more likely that Jeongin thought I was pathetic. A pathetic alcohol addict. That thought alone hurt.
No, Jisung, don’t cry in the middle of a full club. Fuck, I needed more. My beer was almost finished already, when did I drink that much? The plastic made a noise, not audible over the loud music, but I could feel it through my fingertips, digging into the red cup. I didn’t even taste the typical slight bitterness anymore when I drank up. Over time I became used to it and even stronger alcohol wasn’t more than a pleasant heat in my throat.
“Hey, is this seat taken?”
“No, you can-” My answer ended abruptly when I locked eyes with the most beautiful guy I had ever seen. The god of beauty from my head. He wasn’t a hallucination, right? I glanced over to the empty cup in front of me, while the smiling deity made himself comfortable to my right. His small movements were graceful, his voice so incredibly soft as he ordered two energy drinks and shoved one over to me, when the bartender brought them.
“Uh…thank you?”, I mumbled and felt my cheeks heat up. The guy nodded and smiled again.
“I’m Minho. It’s good to see you again, Jisung.”
When he watched my eyes go wide, his own grew too. “Oh, you don’t remember we talked.”
It wasn’t a question but a realization and my face grew even hotter, as he looked away to hide the hurt in his eyes. Hurt? Had I read that one right? I sipped on my energy to hide away.
“Sorry”, I answered just loud enough for him to hear me over the music. “I must have been…”
“You didn’t seem as drunk, I was sure you’d remember me this time.” He giggled nervously, stretching his back and rolling his shoulders. Shit, I fucked up. I couldn’t remember him talking to me. Any chance of getting to know the god of beauty himself was washed away by another night of alcohol. Silently I wished for some vodka or whiskey, anything strong to get that voice out of my head, which told me that I could only fuck up everything around me.
“Wait a second… This time?”
He hid his face again, disguising it as a random look over the room, but his ears seemed to turn pink.
“Yeah, we talked a few times already.” His eyes snapped back to meet mine. “Don’t worry if you don’t remember. You’re fine.”
Silence settled between us and even if it was a bit awkward I felt more comfortable around Minho than any other stranger. Were we even strangers when we had in fact talked to each other before? Just because I couldn’t remember… Shifting in my seat, I wondered what Minho knew about me.
“You don’t go to the mixer like… ever. What brings you here today?” The handsome man asked casually and I watched him drink from his can before I answered. His lips looked soft and defined, his nose seemed carved by an artist or maybe god himself. Oh, wait.
“Well, I wish I could say I knew what today’s date was before I came here but I didn’t. So it’s nothing more than a coincidence.” With my chin I pointed to my red cup and then to his blue one. I knew blue. Blue meant gay.
“And you want to meet some cute guy? Or are you more into the hot and sexy type?”
Maybe I cringed for a second but the alcohol in my veins let me move on quickly and I even blew air through my nose as he answered: “No, your first guess was totally right. Actually I already found a cute guy to talk to.”
“So why don’t you go talk to him instead of me with the red cup?” The question was asked out of pure curiosity and with furrowed brows I watched an amused smile build on his lips. His eyes sparkled provocatively.
“I meant you, Jisung.”
I blinked at him once. Twice.
He didn’t break out in laughter.
“Don’t look like that. You can’t tell me no one has called you cute before.”
Now he laughed softly and my face went hot.
“Well, I heard it before but to be honest I am usually more drunk when someone approaches me.” I giggled nervously but Minho’s smile seemed to dim down.
“Do you want to go to the diner at the corner down the street? Let’s have some dinner and talk. My treat as hyung.”
Shyly I nodded. A warm feeling bubbled up in my chest, a feeling I couldn’t stop.
Another feeling had stopped in return - I hadn’t had the urge to drink more alcohol for this.
The diner was small with many round tables for just two to three people to sit down. I knew it well, since Felix’ friend Hyunjin worked here part time. Tonight he wasn’t here so I guessed he was at home working on his art.
Beside us there was only a group of foreigners who had pushed two tables together and talked in a sharp, quick language, trying to keep it down. Every now and then a loud laugh escaped one of them and the others shushed them down, struggling to keep silent themselves. When I looked over to Minho, his eyes met mine and it seemed like he saw completely through me, reading me like a favorite book of poems you knew every word of. How was that even possible?
While eating we didn’t talk about the obvious, instead we spoke about topics like the latest formed K-Pop bands, a book Mimho had read recently and anime we both had seen. Talking to Minho was easy and calm. The diner went silent when the foreigners left, still we continued our conversation. A while after finishing our food, the plates already taken away by the girl working here, I let out a big yawn.
“Let’s get you home, it’s late.” Minho nodded over to the waitress to pay and mumbled: “I think they want to close up anyways.”
The street was dark and cold when we stepped out. It smelled like rain and only the lights of the club painted a colorful picture on the wet asphalt.
“I’m sorry I don’t remember you”, I said into the darkness ahead of us. “Honestly, I wish I could.”
That was more open than I had intended but I wouldn’t take it back. I didn’t want to take it back, because Minho deserved every truth. He was a good person, I could feel that. Minho said something and I laughed.
When had I ever felt so free?
When we stood in front of my door, I realized something.
“How did you know where I live?”
“Oh, I, uhm… I might have brought you home a few times before.”
Minho’s hand found his neck. What else did Minho know about me?
Then another puzzle piece fell into place.
“Do you own a dark gray hoodie?”
He nodded. “That’d be mine, yeah.” He looked around, avoiding my eyes. “You were half naked that night, so I gave it to you.”
Embarrassing. The most beautiful guy in the world had seen me half naked and blackout drunk. I gulped. Minho was caring and kind and hot and interesting and amazing and I would never have a chance with him.
“I washed it and everything. I’ll go get it… Do you want to come in or..?”
“I’ll wait here, yeah?”
Later, when I was lying in bed all alone, I looked at the phone, hating myself for not asking Minho for his number. But for the first time in a while I still didn’t have the urge to shut my mind down by drinking.
-○●○●○-
The rest of my week was just a little different to usual. I still used the alcohol in my room’s secret storage, borrowed some money from Lix (who held my credit card hostage, which had led to a fight I wasn’t proud of) and met Jeongin at the club. I had had only two beers on Wednesday, had blacked out on Thursday and slept half of Friday, been drinking something stronger at home in the afternoon, fighting with Felix about that damn card and then I had another blackout night. Yesterday I had woken up in a backroom of the club, Innie beside me, who had seemed worried. In my stomach was still a big knot. I felt bad for making him worry and at the same time I asked myself why he did. He couldn’t consider me a friend, could he? A friend was someone you met on a regular basis to drink fancy caffeinated drinks or watch movies and share stories about your life. I didn’t know anything about Innie, except his working hours.
I wasn’t a friend.
And I was a bad one to the people I called my friends.
When was my last movie night with Lix? When did I have fun playing around with our music equipment just for the sake of it with Chan for the last time? When did I go to the gym with Changbin, hell when had I been in a condition to even think about going to the gym?
To say that I felt like shit in every way was an understatement.
Unfortunately I also had no idea if Minho and I had met at any point of the time I spent drunk and a bitter taste of hatred for myself had built its home on my tongue.
“Sunday”, I whispered into my empty room and looked around. There were a few pictures of me and Felix at cosplay conventions, some selfies of Chan, Changbin and me we took during or shortly after producing. My most precious picture hung on the wall right over my desk. It was taken by a professional photograph at a movie premiere we had produced the main OST for. That day I had felt like I was flying. But wasn’t it just the first stage of my downfall? After the first month I had overheard Felix on the phone. “It’s just a phase, Chan. He’ll be better in no time”, he had promised.
But I didn’t get better. I only got worse and worse the more time went by and I couldn’t make a single song good enough for releasing it. Instead I drank more often than not and lived in self pity.
There went my good mood for Sunday morning. Bye-bye.
Some noise came through my door. Did Felix have someone over? He didn’t really bother to tell me anymore since I mostly wasn’t home anyways or slept off a hangover. My chest felt weird. With a sight I finally sat up and looked at my phone. It was too early to go to the club, they closed up for a few hours in the morning to clean and opened again around eleven a.m. When was the last time I was up and actually sober at that time?
With a groan I stood up and walked out of my room to get breakfast from the kitchen but soon froze mid step.
In front of me, piled on the small sofa and the bean bag, squeezed together in the tiny space we called our living room were a bunch of guys. Oh, no, not a random bunch of guys. Sprawled out on the bean bag sat Hyunjin, Felix (with an excusing smile) on his lap. The sofa was shared by Chan, Changbin and a stranger I had never seen before, who obviously belonged to Jeongin, because he had his hands resting on the strangers shoulders from where he stood behind the piece of furniture. And beside him my god of beauty Minho - eyes straight on the blue carpet on the floor. What were they doing here? How did Jeongin even know where I lived? What the-
“This is an intervention”, said Felix as if he was presenting to me the definition of the word instead of a true intervention. In a split second my eyes wandered to the door and back to their faces. I wasn’t ready for this.
“Don’t even try to run, Jisung”, Chan warned and I knew that voice. His dad-voice. His “don’t argue back”-voice with the unspoken “this is for your own good.”
Changbin was the one to say it out loud: “It’s for your own good, okay? Just sit and listen.”
I shook my head, no, I didn’t want to sit. Would they give me an ultimatum to stop drinking? They wouldn’t, right? I trusted them. Anxiously I moved my weight from my left foot to my right, until Jeongin let out a sigh.
“Okay, I’m just gonna start first.” He stood up a bit taller. “I consider us friends, you know? And as such and because I know not only what amount of alcohol you drink when I work my shift, but also how drunk you already are most days when you come in, I am worried.”
The others nodded along like those small Littlest-Pet-Shop animals. Chan tilted his head.
“We all are. I know you aren’t satisfied with your music production lately but you always bring such great ideas for Changbin and me. We have lots of requested songs and we need you in the studio. We need you more sober for your work. And we miss hanging out and working with you.”
“I would like to spend more time with you again”, Felix spoke up.
Finally I found my voice, because I had try to do that before. I had tried to spend more time with them!
“How often did I ask you to come with me? All of you stopped hanging out with me! No one wanted to party a bit or go to the movies or-”
“BECAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS FUCKING BLACKOUT DRUNK OR ACTUALLY BLACKED OUT, JISUNG!”, yelled Changbin.
My ears rang a bit and I saw Hyunjin checking for blood in his ears while Jeongin and the guy in front of him looked lowkey scared of my friend. Felix looked to the floor, Minho had fixated a point on the ceiling.
“Look, everyone in this room knows you have a problem with drinking”, Hyunjin tried to de-escalate. “And I think this intervention was called into existence to show you that, whatever you are going through, you have people who care. Chan and Changbin care. Felix cares a whole fucking lot actually. This Minho guy obviously cares from what I heard, Jeongin and Seungmin care.” He pointed to Innie and the guy in front of him - so they knew each other. Interesting.
“Hell, even I care and I don’t even know anything about you, besides your love for americano and cheesecake whrn you have a good day.”
“I don’t even know you, like, at all”, Seungmin said. “But I’m also worried at this rate from what Jeongin and Minho tell me.”
Only when Minho cursed: “Shit, he’s going to panic!”, I realized my fast beating heart. Overwhelmed, I looked for a way to run, but Minho caged me in his arms in no time.
“It’s fine. You’re fine. We don’t judge you. We just want to help”, he whispered soothingly in my ear. Feeling Minho this close was…strange.
At the same time it felt like coming home.
Felix was the next one who wrapped his arms around the both of us. “I know about your secret stash and I took your credit card to prevent you from getting deeper into dept. I’m sorry.”
My hectic breathing turned into small sobs I desperatley tried to hold back.
“It’s okay, we can get through this together, yeah?”, mumbled Chan, joining the group hug. One after another Hyunjin, Changbin and Innie followed until I was surrounded from all sides, bathing in the warmth and love.
“Come on, Seungmin”, Hyunjin scolded.
“I don’t even know half of y’all.”
“Don’t be a scaredy cat and come here!”, Jeongin ordered and I felt a jolt going through the group as Seungmin draped himself over Jeongin’s and Hyunjin’s backs.
Maybe I could do this.
Maybe we could do this.
Maybe they were right.
They cared and I could trust them.
They could be my lifeline.