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Chapter Text

James stormed down the hallway, hands clenched in tight fists at his sides. The "Marauders" as they had come to call themselves, had just had yet another fight and he had run off, not wanting to deal with the blame of starting it. Flinging the bathroom door open he thundered into the bathroom, very nearly scaring two first years witless and sending them scurrying out.

He stood in front of a sink for a moment, staring at his reflection in the mirror before raising a fist and punching it soundly, sending cracks spider webbing across the surface. He hit it again, widening the cracks, then again and it finally fully shattered, sending shards flying across the room. Breathing heavily he leaned over the sink, hands gripping either side of the bowl.

"Quite done yet?" James whirled around to see Y/N, one of the Slytherin Prefects watching him, arms crossed over her chest, robes flowing around her. He glared.

"Shove off." She did not shove off and instead walked over and leaned up against the sink next to him calmly observing the shattered glass. "If you're going to dock points then just do it. I'm not in the mood for games." Y/N gave him a small, but humored smile.

"I'm not going to dock points." With a swish of her wand she artfully repaired the mirror. "I was going to ask if you wanted to talk about it." He blanched.

"Talk about it?" She nodded.

"Talk about it. There’s clearly something upsetting you. A lot of times it can help to talk it through with someone. It makes it easier to find the base problem and figure out a way to fix it." He stared.

"But you're..." He waved vaguely at her green and silver robes. She raised an eyebrow.

"I'm... what exactly?"

"A Slytherin?" His tone was more questioning than he intended and she seemed humored.

"Yes it does appear that way. But I'm still a person, just because I'm a Slytherin doesn't mean I have to be heartless. Sit, you can talk and I can do my best to help." Numbly he nodded and sat. She sat next to him, hands resting in her lap, an earnest look on her face.

"Well... I guess it's just because me and my friends have been fighting." She nodded.

"That can be hard. Is there anything specific you guys have been fighting over?" James shrugged.

"Not really. Just..." He hesitated and she gave him an encouraging smile. "I feel like it's always when I'm in a bad mood. Like I woke up this morning in a bad mood and now we're fighting." She nodded but didn't say anything. He paused for a moment before blurting out a thought that had been forming in his mind for quite awhile.

"What if... what if we're fighting because I'm in a bad mood? What if they don't like that I'm not happy all the time and we fight because of it?" She nodded again.

"You think that you're the reason you guys are fighting?" He nodded. "And why do you think that is?"

"Because I'm in a bad mood?" She seasawed her hand.

"Kind of. I've been watching. You guys aren't fighting because you're in a bad mood. You're fighting because you never learned how to regulate and safely express your anger." Horror spread across his face and the pieces clicked into place.

"And I'm taking it out on them." Y/N nodded. "How do I... how do I fix it?"

"Well, you never can really 'fix' having bad moods. You just learn how to cope with it in healthy ways. Have you heard of box breathing?" He shook his head. "I think it'd help you a lot. Watch." She pulled out her wand and held it in front of her.

"Breathe in for 4 seconds." She demonstrated and lifted her wand making a glowing mark appear in the air. "Hold for 4 seconds." She moved her wand to the side. "Breathe out for 4 seconds." She lowered her wand. "And hold for 4 seconds." She moved it sideways to connect it to the original line making a box.

"It's a square." She smiled patiently.

"Yes, like a box. That's why it's called box breathing. Between the motion of tracing a box with either your hand or your eyes and regulating your breathing it's quite calming. Try." He chewed his lip for a moment. "Do you want help?" He nodded.

"Okay, breathe in for 4... yup just like that. Hold... great job. Breathe out... and hold..." Y/N breathed along with him, several times while he traced the glowing square. "You're doing wonderfully."

"Thanks." She pulled out a piece of parchment and quickly scrawled a few lines on the paper.

"Of course. Here, that was a pretty simple breathing exercise but if you want to look for more this book here is great, they have it in the library over by... oh you'll find it. These two teach you more about healthy coping mechanisms and this one explains all the brain science behind anger and whatnot." She handed it over. "Let's get you to class now. You'll already be late. Transfigurations right?"

"Yeah how did you know that?" She shrugged and stood offering him a hand up.

"I just do." He accepted the hand and she hauled him to his feet. "Let's go." Y/N swept out of the bathrooms with James trailing behind to Transfigurations. When they got there he hesitated.

"I'm so late." She waved a hand dismissively and pushed the door open. Professor Mogonagle looked over.

"Ah, I see you found Mr. Potter. Thank you Miss L/N. Take a seat Mr. Potter and see me after class." Y/N spoke up.

"Actually I'd like to request that James not be punished for his tardiness." Her and Mogonagle had a silent staredown for a moment before she nodded.

"Very well, Mr. Potter, please take a seat." He stepped into the classroom and turned to thank Y/N but she was already gone.

Chapter Text

Regulus slipped through the deserted hallways towards the dorms, well aware that he was far past curfew and hoping he wouldn't get caught. There was an over exaggerated cough from a small alcove that led into a classroom and he froze. No such luck it seemed.

"Student out of bed. Tsk, tsk. Perhaps I should give you detention." Y/N stepped out of the shadows and gave him a sad sort of smile.

"Oh lay off it. I was heading back." She studied him for a moment.

"Turn out your pockets." He froze.

"What?" She nodded to his robes.

"Turn out your pockets."

"No." She raised an eyebrow.

"No?" He crossed his arms stubbornly, head high.

"You can't make me." She tilted her head slightly conceding the point.

"That's true. But I could bring you to a professor or head of house and they could. I think you'd much prefer if I didn't do that." He glared.

"Why do you want me to turn out my pockets?"

"Why are you so intent on not turning them out?" She countered smoothly. He stood there for several moments before slowly reaching into his pockets producing his wand and a small foldable knife. Y/N kept her face expressionless and voice even as she stepped to the side. "Come in here for a moment please." Head down he shuffled into the dark classroom. She followed him in and with a quick flick of her wand lit the torch sconces scattered across the room. Another flick and two chairs moved to the center of the room facing each other.

"Take a seat." Not knowing what else to do he sat. She took the other seat and watched him, concern showing through her mask of calm. When she spoke it was quiet and gentle. "Can you give me the knife please Regulus?" She held out her hand, palm up and after a moment he placed it in her hand. After studying it Y/N slipped it into her pocket.

"I think you know what I'm going to ask." Regulus nodded. "But I'm going to ask anyway. Have you been hurting yourself?" He hesitated before nodding a tear slipping down his cheek before he could stop it. He hurriedly scrubbed it away.

"Can you show me please?" He shook his head. "Listen, I'm not going to judge you, I just want to help. Can you show me?" He hesitated, Y/N's voice was surprisingly soothing and he found himself pulling his sleeves up, showing a crosswork of older scars and newer cuts.

She scooted her chair closer and gently grabbed one of his wrists, sliding his sleeve up all the way and fully assessing the extent of his injuries. She reached for her wand and felt him flinch and stiffen slightly.

"Hey, it's alright, I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to heal these. Is that okay?" He nodded, embarrassment turning his cheeks a faint shade of pink.

"Sorry..." She glanced up before beginning to cast healing spells on his wounds.

"There's nothing to be sorry for. You don't need to apologize." He shook his head.

"Made you deal with this. You should be sleeping." She hummed in acknowledgement but didn't look up from her work.

"You should too. And I'm not 'dealing with this.' Right now you're in pain and I'm helping you because no one deserves to feel this way. Not because you're some task I need to mark off before I go to bed." She switched arms and he glanced down noticing the cuts were now just thin white lines.

"I do." She glanced up as she pushed his sleeve up.

"You do what?" He stayed quiet. "You do what?" She asked again more insistently.

"Deserve it." She shook her head sadly and turned her attention back to healing his other arm.

"No you don't. No one, and I mean no one, deserves to feel this way. Nothing anyone could say, or do, or be," she stressed the last word slightly "makes them deserve to feel this way. Anyone who says otherwise..." She shook her head. "They're wrong. Dead wrong." She let go of his wrist and slipped her wand into a pocket. A tear slid down his cheek but he couldn't even find it in himself to wipe it away.

"What if... what if those people are really important?" She reached over and gently wiped the tear away.

"It doesn't mean they're right. If Dumbledore stood up there tomorrow morning and told everyone that the sky is neon orange it doesn't make it true. You can look at the sky and see that. It's the same way with people. They can say whatever they want about you but in the end you're the one that decides what's true or not. You're the one that has to decide that you're worth every moment I sit here with you. I can sit here and tell you that all night long but if you don't decide that it's true then it doesn't matter. Make sense?" He nodded.

"Y-yeah it makes sense."

"So, you need to decide. Do you really, truly believe that you are so utterly worthless that you deserve to want to hurt yourself, or do you have worth as a human being, as someone who is incredibly smart and talented?" He hesitated.

"I... I guess... maybe I'm not entirely worthless." Y/N raised an eyebrow.

"You guess?" He sighed.

"I'm not entirely worthless." She nodded.

"That's a start. Can you give me one reason why you're 'not entirely worthless?'" She waited patiently as he searched for something.

"I can be used as a bad example?" A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.

"I can work with that. Do you want to know what I'd use you as a bad example for?" She didn't wait for him to answer before continuing. "I'd use you as a bad example of self love. Because you're so talented and amazing and in the time that it took you to think of one half reason I was able to think of nearly a hundred. You have a great heart. You're really intelligent. You have natural Quidditch talent. You can make friends with even the most unfriendly people when you really want to. You're a great brother, I see you watching Sirius and making sure he's alright don't try and argue with me. You care about everyone. You-"

"Stop, please stop, I get it." He furiously tried to wipe away the tears streaking down his cheeks. "You see good in everyone, I get it."

"No you don't get it. I'm not seeing good in everyone. I'm not doing anything. It's you that's doing it all. It's you that's amazing. Say it. Say that you're amazing." He glared through teary eyes. "Say it." She glared right back. He sighed and grumbled.

"I'm amazing."

"Say it like you actually mean it." He rolled his eyes but annunciated it loudly.

"I'm amazing." She grinned.

"Yes you are. You're amazing. And why are you amazing?" He gave her a blank look. "Oh come on I just listed like 7 reasons."

"6. You only listed 6."

"No, I listed 7."

"No." He started counting on his fingers. "I have a great heart, I'm intelligent, I have natural Quidditch talent, I can make friends, I'm a great brother, and I care about everyone. 6." He glanced up and saw that Y/N was smirking.

"You are those things, great job." He gaped.

"You little-" He hesitated. "I think I feel better." She nodded.

"They're called affirmations. They do that."

"Oh."

"I have 2 things I want you to do. Number 1, I want you to find something to help you cope instead of cutting. You could read a book you like, pick up a new hobby, just something you enjoy doing when you feel low. Can you do that?" He nodded. "Number 2, I want you to spend some time and write down as many things you can think of that you like about yourself. Things that you think give you worth. Then every morning I want you to stand in front of a mirror and read them to yourself. It'll be hard. You won't want to do it. Do it anyway. Can you do that too?"

"That sounds stupid."

"That's not what I asked. Can you do it?" He hesitated.

"I guess." She nodded satisfied.

"Good. I'll check on you when I can. If you need something, find me. I don't care when it is, I don't care what you need. You find me. Got it?"

"But-"

"You find me. Got it?" He nodded, resigned.

"Got it." She stood.

"Now let's get you to bed. It's late and you have classes tomorrow." He stood and followed her out and to the Slytherin dorm. He was in bed before he realized she never gave him back his knife.

Chapter Text

The Marauders wandered out of the feast hall after breakfast early one morning, laughing and chatting idly. Remus was the first to see Y/N slipping through the crowd towards them and pointed her out to the rest of the group. Sirius groaned.

"Wonderful, Slytherin Prefect to ruin a perfectly good morning." James shrugged and waved a greeting.

"Y/N isn't bad, she's actually really nice if you talk to her." Remus nodded.

"I actually don't know why she was put in Slytherin, we did rounds together a couple times and she's sweet." Sirius shrugged.

"If you say so." Once she got close enough she called out.

"Hello boys, James, wonderful to see you again. Remus." She nodded towards him. "Sirius, your brother sends his regards, or rather, I send them for him. Go talk to him by the way. And Peter," Her smile brightened. "Do you mind walking with me to your next class?" He glanced over nervously at the rest of the group and at an encouraging nod from James turned back with a polite smile.

"Yeah sure."

"Excellent, let's go this way." She led the way through the crowd then fell back to walk next to him once they hit empty hallways. "So Peter, how's the school year treating you so far?"

"Oh, you know, it's school. Fine I suppose." She nodded.

"Any classes that have been fun or...?" He hesitated twisting his hands.

"I like herbology?" She raised an eyebrow, lips quirking into a small smirk.

"Is that a question?" He shook his head several times.

"No, no, I like herbology. It's fun, being able to grow things."

"Any plants in particular you enjoyed?"

"Mandrakes were fun, so was Devil's Snare." She nodded but didn't say anything. "I mean, it's kind of crazy that an entire child-like thing can grow in the ground. And Devils Snare, it just looks cool you know? And the name sounds interesting too."

"That it does, what'd you think about the aquaculture section?" Peter's face positively lit up and he went on a long tangent on the ins and outs about the new theories while Y/N listened attentively. Occasionally they'd quiet as they passed a group of people but for the most part the hallways were deserted until they made it to the Charms classroom which held his first class.

"Well, it seems I have to leave you here Peter, it was so fun being able to talk to you." He opened his mouth to bid her farewell but hesitated.

"We never talked about what you needed." She laughed softly and shook her head.

"I never needed anything, you just looked lonely and I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh. Well thank you." She nodded.

"Of course. You should get to class before you're late." He nodded and rushed into the classroom with a grin on his face.

Chapter Text

Remus was wrapping up his Prefect rounds when a familiar voice called to him from down a corridor.

"Hey, Remus!" He turned and waved as Y/N strode towards him. "I was hoping I'd find you."

"Y/N, nice to see you, it's not your night for rounds though is it?" She shook her head.

"I wanted to chat with you, come down here, there's a place I want to show you." She turned and led the way to a secluded lounge area and gestured for him to take a seat opposite her while she sank into a comfortable chair herself. He sat hesitantly.

"We don't usually chat like this, what's up?"

"I just wanted to check up on you, with the full moon coming up and all." He froze, staring at her.

"What- what do you mean?" He was certain his voice had jumped up several octaves and cleared his throat a few times before trying again. "What do you mean?" She gave him a small smile.

"Remus, Remus, don't take me for a fool. It's just rude."

"I really don't know what you mean." She leaned back in the chair.

"You do. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone. If I was you would have been busted years ago." He gaped.

"How? When?" She shrugged.

"When? Middle of year two. As for how? I have a talent. There are very few secrets in Hogwarts that I don't know. Some people may call it a gift if you will." He swallowed nervously.

"And what would you call it?" She seemed to consider the question for a moment.

"What it is. A tool. It doesn't matter how I got it or what it is. Just how I use it."

"And how do you use it?" She twirled a strand of hair between her fingers.

"To help most of the time. Which is why I came to you. You're struggling. I wanted to have a talk with you." For a moment he thought about questioning the 'most of the time' part but a memory popped into his mind.

"Like with Peter." She nodded. "And you talked with James too at some point." She nodded again. "What'd you tell them?" A humored smile played across her lips.

"I'll never tell. But we're getting quite off track. How are you holding up?" Remus hesitated for a moment before speaking.

"You'll never tell?" She nodded.

"I swear." He hesitated again.

"Well, honestly not great, it's... taxing. Not just physically but... mentally as well."

"That's very fair. Anything specifically that's been bothering you?"

"Just..." he paused and glanced around, "I'm just worried that someone will get hurt." She nodded.

"That's a valid concern to have. You have a great heart Remus. But, let's take a step back if you can. Logically, bear with me here, logically is there any way for that to happen?"

"I mean something can always go wrong-" She cut him off.

"And the world could explode this very minute and kill everyone on it. I'm not asking for worst case scenarios, I'm asking, logically, in the situation that you and everyone else has created, can anyone actually get hurt?" He thought for several moments before finally responding.

"I suppose not, no."

"Exactly, you've created a safe, as much as it can be, situation. So all the guilt and worry you're feeling is, in a nutshell, quite pointless."

"But-"

"Now I'm not saying that you can just logic everything away because you can't. I'm saying that overwhelming yourself thinking of worst case scenarios all the time isn't accomplishing anything. You have a life outside of planning for the full moon. Go be you. Go have fun. Stop staying in the dorms reading everything you possibly can on werewolves and magical wards and go to Hogsmeade or your boyfriend’s Quidditch games, yes I know about that too, or whatever." She waved her hands vaguely. "You're a teenager, just have fun."

"How-"

"Like I said, there are few secrets in Hogwarts I don't know. But just, be you, enjoy your time. You're allowed to do that. Think about yourself for once. Be selfish." He stared for a few moments.

"Okay."

"Good. You've been making me miserable with all your worrying and I'm not even the one involved."

"Okay but like... how?" She shrugged.

"I watch people's eyes, you can tell a lot about someone through their eyes. Also I listen to everything, I have a good network, and I'm really good at lurking."

"That got really deep and then really creepy." She sighed.

"I know."

"How much do you know though?" A strand of hair fell onto her face and she blew it off carelessly.

"A lot. More than one ever should know."

"And when you said you used it for good mostly what did that mean?" She grinned.

"Well I wouldn't be a proper Slytherin without a few people under my thumb would I? Sure nothing I use for blackmail is particularly dangerous but oh is it embarrassing."

"Oh no." Y/N laughed.

"No need to be worried, I'd never blackmail you. I'm far too fond of you to do that. Like I said, you have quite a good heart, it's pleasantly adorable. Rather like a cute dog. But your rounds are almost up and I'm sure you have at least one person waiting up for you." He blushed lightly and stood.

"Thanks for the talk." She stood as well.

"Of course, I'm here if you ever need to chat." He nodded.

"I'll keep that in mind. And if you ever need to talk I'm not nearly as wise as you but I can listen." She smiled and cooed.

"Like a cute dog. I have to get back to the dorms now, goodnight Remus." She turned and in a few steps she slipped down a corridor and vanished. Remus just shook his head and set off for the Gryffindor dorms.

Chapter Text

Sirius sat on the ledge of the astronomy tower staring at the sky, just jeans and a thin tank top for protection from the cold. A robed figure climbed onto the ledge next to him and he nearly toppled off in fright. A hand shot out and latched onto the back of his shirt holding on until he steadied before it let go. Y/N pushed back her hood.

"Sorry, thought you heard me coming." He glanced over, eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

"You don't want to be here." She shook her head and when she spoke her voice was surprisingly quiet and gentle.

"No, I don't want to be here. But you need me to be, so I am." He turned away and wrapped his arms across his torso, shivering slightly. There was a slight rustle of fabric and Y/N draped her cloak across his shoulders. He tried to shrug it off.

"You're going to be cold." She shook her head.

"I have a sweater on, you're hardly wearing a thing." He begrudgingly accepted it and they sat in silence for nearly ten minutes before he spoke again.

"You should go."

"I don't think I should." He turned towards her, voice pleading.

"Please, I can't jump with you here, please just go." She shook her head.

"That's exactly why I should stay. You're not ready to come down and I'm not going to let you jump. So I'm going to stay here until you're ready to go back in."

"Well I'm not going to. So you should just go."

"I'm not going to leave you here."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not going to stand by while someone with so much potential throws it all away." He looked down and muttered quietly.

"I don't have any."

"Yes you do. You have so much potential and worth. And it's so sad that you can't see any of it." He sent her a half hearted glare.

"How do you know? You don't even know me."

"I do though. You're amazing, I can see it." She shook her head slightly in amusement. "The only person who can't is you. You should see the way people look at you. Mcgonagle acts like she's annoyed but really you're practically her son. Peter is in absolute awe of you. James loves you like a brother. Remus looks at you like you're the sun. Regulus talks about you like you're the most perfect being to ever exist. You are important Sirius Black and there are so many people that would be absolutely devastated if you jumped tonight." He wiped a few rouge tears that slipped through the cracks of his poker face and down his cheeks.

"Not my parents." Y/N sighed.

"Disrespectfully, screw them." He let out a choked laugh.

"Disrespectfully?" She nodded seriously.

"I don’t, and truthfully can't, claim to have heard even a fraction of what you've been through, they are complete and utter douchebags. Why do you care what they think? They don't determine your worth. Only you do that. Did the world hand you a horrible deal? Absolutely. Does that mean you're worth anything less than the best? No."

"And what if I've determined that this is what I'm worth?" He gestured to the tower and the long fall in front of him.

"Then, more respectfully, screw you too." He laughed shakily. "And you wanna know something? If you jump then who gets the last laugh? It's not you, it's all the people who hurt you. It's all the people who want you to be in pain. If you jump, you let them win. And if I know anything about you, that's not what you want." There was silence for a moment before Sirius bundled himself tighter in the borrowed robes.

"I don't think I can get myself down."

"Well it's a good thing I'm here to help you isn't it?" She slid off the ledge and offered a hand. He hesitated before accepting it and sliding off after her.

His knees gave out as soon as his feet touched the ground and he collapsed on the floor sobbing. Y/N knelt next to him and rubbed his back murmuring quiet reassurances for a few moments while his sobs quieted into small sniffles.

"Come on, let's get you to bed, it's late. Up we go." She pulled his arm across her shoulders and wrapped an arm around his waist. After a small struggle got him to his feet and they headed back towards the Gryffindor dormitories, Sirius leaning heavily on her and silent except for the occasional sniffle.

When they got to the Fat Lady she took one look at the Prefect supporting an almost catatonic Sirius Black and swung open without a sound. Once they reached the boy's dorm he collapsed on his bed without a word.

Y/N quietly riffled through the boy's items for parchment and a quill, careful not to wake any of them before sitting on the edge of Sirius's bed and scribbling a quick note. She folded it and wrote "To Whom It May Concern" in elaborate script on the front before setting it on Sirius's nightstand. When she finished Sirius was sound asleep, still wrapped in the borrowed robes and with shoes on. She drew the curtains around his bed and slipped out of the dormitories.

Chapter Text

When Y/N woke up she knew it was going to be a bad day. Seeing Sirius on the Astronomy tower the night before had left her crying in bed until nearly sunrise. Helping people was supposed to be her thing. She had claimed it and wore it like a badge of honor yet she had nearly let a student kill themselves. As it was she only stopped him by sheer dumb luck. If she hadn't checked the tower that night she'd be waking up to a death announcement. Somehow she dragged herself out of bed.

- - -

When she got to the Great Hall in the morning there were excited murmurs and chatter. A few moments of lurking by some 3rd year girls from Huffelpuff told her that Sirius Black had showed up to breakfast with Slytherin robes folded in his arms and there had been wild speculation about who's they were.

Sighing internally she headed over to the Gryffindor table and slid onto a bench next to the Marauders who were significantly more quiet than usual. It took Remus a moment to look up from his fussing over Sirius and see her. When they made eye contact she gave him a smile.

"Good morning boys." The rest of the group looked over and she saw the intense emotions flickering in their eyes. Peter and James were worried but also relieved and grateful. Remus was almost pure worry and Sirius wouldn't look at her or anyone it seemed. He was intensely focused on pushing his food around on his plate. Remus spoke first.

"I suppose we should thank you." She waved it off.

"Don't bother. I just came by to check on you guys and grab my robes. I heard Sirius brought them." Sirius nodded and handed over the robes, only Y/N heard him whisper.

"Thanks." She smiled at him slightly and murmured quietly.

"Even for the note I left?" She had left a small note in the dormitory, just saying that she had found him on the Astronomy Tower the night before. She was sure it went over real well with the rest of the Marauders. His lips twitched slightly.

"Maybe not for the note, I woke up to Remus crying hysterically while he did his best to squeeze me to death." She glanced over at Remus and smirked.

"I can see it." She straightened and spoke loud enough for the rest of the group to hear. "Well, I best be off, see you guys later." She stood and as she donned the robes and swept out of the hall she heard the envious whispers from other girls and even a few boys.

If only they knew what she was really doing the night before.

- - -

On a whim instead of going to her first class early like she usually did Y/N veered to the Library and wandered through the bookshelves, not sure what she was looking for. A few moments later she found out as muffled curses and a loud thud rang through the silent library. She headed toward the sound and found a first year Ravenclaw glaring at a large textbook that she had apparently thrown. When the girl saw her she immediately looked horrified.

"I'm so sorry, I just, I'm so sorry please don't give me detention." She gave the girl a reassuring smile and picked up the book.

"Impressive throw, you should try out for Quidditch when you can, they could use a good Chaser." The girl hesitantly smiled back.

"Oh, okay. Can I... can I have the book back? I have a test later today and I really can't fail this one." Y/N held it out and she took it.

"What's your name?" The Ravenclaw hesitated.

"Emy."

"Are you having trouble studying Emy?" She nodded slightly looking at the floor. "Do you want help? I know some things that can help." She looked up, shocked.

"Really? You'd help?" Y/N laughed.

"Why so surprised?" Emy glanced at her robes for a fraction of a second.

"Well I..."

"You know, not all Slytherins are as mean as they like to say." The girl looked scared again.

"I didn't say-"

"It's quite alright, here, sit, let me see what you're working on." They both sat at one of the nearby tables and Emy slid the book towards her open to a page on using offensive spells, and she pointed towards the subsection on Expelliarmus.

"I don't get it." Y/N nodded.

"I remember this. Have you guys practiced casting it yet?" The girl made a miserable sound and buried her face in her hands.

"I can't do that either. I read and I read and I just don't get it!" Y/N just shook her head.

"Listen, you can't just read. A lot of new students make that mistake. Reading only gets you so far. You have to practice and you have to fail."

"But the test-"

"Emy."

"I'm going to fail and-

"Emy."

"I don't have anywhere else to go-"

"Emy!" She went silent and stared up at her.

"Grab your wand and stand up."

"What?" Y/N rose.

"You heard me. Grab your wand." Emy stood and pulled her wand out. "Good. Now, I want you to forget every single thing you've learned about casting spells."

"What?" She ignored her.

"You need to ignore every obscure rule for casting. Magic doesn't come from the wand. It doesn't work by doing the right motions with a stick. It doesn't work by saying the right words. It comes from you. So think about what exactly you want the magic to do. Imagine the results in your mind." Emy stared at her for a moment.

"Okay."

"Do you see it?" She nodded.

"Okay, now, use your wand, hold it however it feels natural and try to disarm me." Emy shifted her grip from the standard hold to a more comfortable grip and relaxed visibly. She closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them she flicked her wand at Y/N and her wand went spinning out of her hand and landed several feet away. She stared for a moment in complete shock before she started jumping up and down.

"I did it, I did it! I've never done it! I did it!" Y/N laughed and retrieved her wand.

"You did! And you did it nonverbally too. That usually requires years of training the 'normal' way." She put air quotes around normal. "That's incredibly impressive. Skills like that will take you far." She glanced at a clock. "Do you want to try a couple more times before class?" Emy's face lit up.

"Oh, can I?" She nodded.

"Go ahead."

- - -

Y/N casually wandered up next to Sirius, who was standing against a halfway wall looking quite lost, before her second class.

"So, how's being fussed over been treating you?" He jumped slightly.

"How long have you been standing there?" She shrugged.

"Just a minute. How are you holding up?" He considered the question.

"I'm doing okay I think. It's a lot, Remus has practically been glued to my side, he just left like two minutes ago to give detention to some Slytherin that tried to hex a first year. Regulus even came up to me after breakfast, told me he'd miss me, did you talk to him?" Y/N nodded.

"We talk most nights, I had to hold him down so he wouldn't run off to see you right then and there. He cares about you a lot, I hope you know that. They all do." Sirius nodded.

"I know. I'm sorry for the rumors by the way." She waved a hand dismissively.

"Don't worry about it, I have enough of those going around already, what's one more?" She paused. "Besides, this one's almost a compliment."

"Really?" She nodded.

"Yes really, in most social circles you're considered quite a prize." Remus chose that moment to reappear at his side.

"What's considered quite a prize?" Sirius almost smirked.

"I am apparently." Remus nodded in agreement. Y/N grinned.

"See? Told you. I better be off though, I'm about to be late and I can only use the 'I was giving detention' excuse so many times." She turned and hurried off.

- - -

Y/N sat in a secluded area of the library during lunch, hiding behind a large book while trying furiously not to cry.

Stupid, so stupid. Parading around like she was better than everyone else, like she had her life together. Like she knew what she was doing.

"Y/N?" She lowered her book and saw Peter standing a few paces away. She smiled.

"Peter, it's been awhile, do you want to sit?" He shook his head.

"No, I just wanted to come say thank you." She gave him a slightly confused look.

"For what?"

"For helping me, saving Sirius."

"Ah."

"I mean you don't have to do any of this. But you do, and it's really nice. The girl Remus went to save from the Slytherins earlier? He had to save them from her. Sent them both flying into a wall. Was singing your praises. Apparently you helped her this morning in the library." She smiled.

"Emy, yeah, great kid, tons of talent." Peter nodded.

"I'm getting distracted but, I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done."

"Of course." Peter nodded several times before he took a few paces back.

"I'll let you study now."

- - -

Y/N had been low before, hell she'd even stood on the edge before but she always knew it'd pass in a day or so. This low wasn't passing. It had been a week since she had talked Sirius down from that ledge and she still felt terrible but she still managed to stay on routine.

Get up, check on her adopted children (as she had taken to calling them) at breakfast, try and pay attention during lessons, hide in the library during lunch, make sure Sirius was still okay, try and pay attention to more lessons, check up on her children again during dinner, struggle through her homework, talk with Regulus, and then wander the corridors aimlessly until the wee hours of the morning.

Y/N was slipping. And she knew it. It wasn't going to get better this time. Which is why on the seventh day she found herself writing letters during dinner instead of checking up on everyone. Not everyone she talked to and helped was going to get a letter, that was a sad fact of life, she couldn't write a letter to nearly a third of Hogwarts. She tried to focus on those who she talked to regularly and would probably take it the hardest. Peter, Remus, James, Regulus, Sirius, Emy. That sounded like a good list. Pulling out a sheet of parchment she started writing.

Peter,
I'm really bad at telling people things outright so I'll just say this. I'm going to miss our chats. Just remember that. I know sometimes it's hard to fit in with everyone else when they seem so much more interesting. Just know that I loved hearing about your herbology facts and your hopes and dreams. I'm sorry.
- Y/N

James,
I'm only on letter number two and I already hate them. I'll just say a couple things. Remember to breathe. I hope you get to be a great Quidditch player like you always hoped and I hope that you realize how great you already are. I'm sorry.
- Y/N

Emy,
I started crying when I realized your letter was next. I have so many things to tell and not nearly enough room. So much knowledge I want to share. So little room. So here's what I think is most important. Remember that your worth comes from within. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you are worth less than the whole world. You are an amazing young woman with so much potential. You got this.
- Y/N

Sirius,
It's funny you know, when you were up on the ledge about to throw away your life I could think of a million reasons why it’s a bad idea. Now I can't think of a single one to save myself. Remember that you're amazing. Remember not to let anyone tell you otherwise. Remember that so many people love you. Talk to your brother. He'll need you. You need him.
- Y/N

Regulus,
Just make sure to take care of yourself. Do your affirmations. Remember that you're someone with so much worth and that you don't deserve all that pain. Talk with your brother, he needs you and he can help you. I'm sorry to leave you without someone to confide in.
- Y/N

Remus,
You're my last letter, probably because I have so much to ask of you. I know it's not fair of me to ask you for anything but I have to anyway. Look after them will you? Look out for all those that hurt. Please. I tried so hard to hold on for all of them but it's not getting better anymore. I know it's a lot, just remember what I told you. You can see it in their eyes. You're probably saying that you didn't see anything in mine. There was something that I didn't tell you that night. It's when the eyes go blank that hope is gone. It's when the light dies that you have to watch. Watch the light please. Don't let anyone else suffer. You're the only person I can trust with this. Please.
- Y/N

With that Y/N folded each letter and wrote a name on the front. She scrawled a quick apology to the staff as well, for all the trouble they'd have to go through with her dying at Hogwarts. Then she stood. She had to move, if someone found her she wasn't sure she'd be able to keep it together.

Chapter Text

The Marauders were laughing and chatting as they climbed the stairs to their dorms.

"You know I should be giving you three detention for that." Sirius smirked.

"Aw come on Moony, you'd never do that. Besides, it's not like you didn't enjoy it too." He rolled his eyes.

"Will it ever get out of Snape's robes?" James snickered.

"Nope!" Remus sighed and opened the curtains to his bed, intending to flop down on it, but froze. A letter laid on his pillow, name written neatly on top. Based on the assorted noises of surprise he could only assume the rest of the four had letters as well. He picked it up and sat on the bed, gently unfolding it.

His eyes scanned the page quickly, then reread it once more to make sure. When he finally looked up he saw the rest of the Marauders were already staring at him. Peter was unabashedly crying. He folded it quietly and set it back on the pillow.

"Get the map. Dinner just ended less than an hour ago. She can't have put these here more than 15 minutes ago." James nodded and frantically tore through his trunk and surfaced moments later with it in hand. Sirius pulled out his wand and tapped the top.

"I solemnly swear I'm up to no good." James unfolded it and the four huddled around searching for the right emblem. It was Peter who found her.

"There." He tapped the far corner, the top of the astronomy tower. Remus ran out of the dorms with the rest following at his heels.

- - -

When they pushed the door open the scene in front of them was something he never wanted to see again. Y/N was sitting along the ledge, robes blowing gently in the breeze. The scene might have been serene if he didn't know why she was up there. Sirius spoke first.

"You prat. You hypocrite." Y/N turned wiping a few tears away.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, stop being sorry for everything and get down." Regulus stepped past Remus making him jump. "Sorry, I followed you guys up, thought you saw me." Remus just waved the apology away.

"Y/N, please get down. We can help, just get down."

"I don't need help!" She took a deep breath and unclenched her fists. "I don't need help. I help people, I don't need help." James shook his head.

"You do, you're sitting on the edge of a tower. You need help."

"No! I don't!" She turned back, staring out at the rapidly shrinking light on the horizon and her voice became rather dreamy and disconnected. "I help people, that's my thing." Peter sniffled.

"You don't just have to help people. You can be you." She just shook her head.

"That's what I do. Well, it's what I'm supposed to do. I'm clearly not doing a very good job." Remus made a small noise of protest but Regulus beat him to the punch.

"Really? You really think that? There are so many people here, not just the tower but the castle in general, that have you to thank, even just to be alive today. You've done a wonderful job at helping people. Let yourself be the one that needs help for once." She shook her head again.

"I don't need help. And how many people have I had to talk off this very ledge because I didn't help them sooner?" Y/N swayed slightly. "It's almost poetic I think. I spend so much time up here talking people down and preventing people from climbing up in the first place... only fitting it's where I end up. Up on the ledge." Sirius shook his head.

"It may be poetic but it doesn't make it the right choice. You are important Y/N L/N and there are so many people that would be absolutely devastated if you jumped tonight." A small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.

"I said that." He nodded.

"You did, and it's just as true as it was when you said it." There was a long pause where Remus didn't even dare breathe. Then Y/N swung her legs back over the edge to safety and slipped down. They all ran over and Regulus and Sirius got there in time to catch her before she collapsed. They slowly lowered her to the ground where she brought her knees up to her chest and started sobbing. Remus knelt next to her.

"It's alright, we've got you now. You're going to be okay." He went to rest a comforting hand on her arm but when she flinched away he lowered his hand. Regulus knelt on the other side of her.

"Let's get you out of these robes alright?" She shook her head wordlessly silent sobs still shaking her rather small frame. "Y/N, I need you to take this off for me alright? I just need to check your arms." She tried to shake her head again but Regulus and Remus exchanged a look and despite her half voiced protests and weak struggle they slipped the robes off her shoulders. Peter made a faint whimpering noise from his position a few feet away next to James.

Still bleeding cuts covered her arms from shoulder to a few inches shy of her wrist. Under the blood Remus could see the pale white of older scars. Sirius was the first to speak.

"We need to get her to Madame Pomfrey." She looked up, alarmed and pleading.

"No, please, I can't go to her-" Remus pursed his lips.

"You don't get much choice right now." He helped her to her feet. "Someone help me." James stepped forward and scooped her up.

"I got her." Y/N squirmed.

"Put me down." They all ignored her and headed down the stairs, Regulus scooping up her discarded robes.

- - -

When they finally reached the hospital wing Y/N had stopped struggling and gone limp in James's arms, only semiconscious. She flinched slightly at the sound of the door banging open and stirred when James set her down on a bed but between her permanent exhaustion, emotional toll, and blood loss she didn't move much more than that.

Madame Pomfrey came running out of the backroom.

"What in the bloody blazes is going on?" Remus gestured to Y/N.

"Sorry Pomfrey, I kinda needed help." Pomfery started for a moment before shaking her head sadly.

"I should have figured it'd be her in a bed one day. Out of my way." She strode over to the bed pulling her wand out. They backed away and watched as Madame Pomfrey worked. Peter had sat in a chair and was crying quietly and James stood next to him looking dazed. Remus stood with an arm around Sirius who was conversing quietly with Regulus in French. “Can someone set up the curtains? There’s a chance someone could walk in and I don’t think she’d like people seeing her like this.” Only moments after Remus and James pulled them into place the doors swung open and a bored looking Ravenclaw prefect walked in, followed by a first year who was in hysterics.

“Can someone get her a calming drought? She’s inconsolable. Exams I think.” Regulus shook his head and quickly walked over, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, Emy right?” The girl nodded. He gestured for the prefect to leave who bolted the moment he was relieved of duty. “It’s alright, you got a paper didn’t you?” She nodded and Remus came over as well.

“It’s alright, she’s going to be okay. We got them too and we found her.” The relief that washed over her was palpable.

“Really? She’s okay?” Remus nodded and Regulus rubbed her back comfortingly.

“She’s alright, in bed over there. That was pretty scary wasn’t it?” She took a couple shaky deep breaths.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want me to get you a calming drought and walk you back to your common room? You can get some sleep and come back in the morning if you’d like.” She nodded.

“That’d… that’d be nice.” Madame Pomfrey bustled out right as Regulus was leaving with Emy.

“She’ll be alright. She’s asleep right now. I’d say you can come back in the morning but I’ve long since given up on kicking the three of you out of the infirmary and Remus goes where the rest of you go.” They nodded and she continued. “So make yourself at home. Only one of two people in the curtain at a time though, when she wakes up we don’t want to overwhelm her.” They nodded again and she disappeared into the back room. Remus glanced around.

“I can watch her first, everyone else okay?” They nodded and Remus slipped through the curtains

- - -

Y/N awoke sometime in the very early morning. Glancing around she saw Regulus watching her from a chair near the foot of the bed.

“How are you feeling?” She took a moment to form her signature teasing smirk.

“These beds really aren’t all that bad. Haven’t a clue why so many people complain about them.” Regulus seemed utterly unimpressed.

“Evasion isn’t going to work this time Y/N.” She sighed

“Worth a shot. Honestly I feel… okay? I’m assuming Pomfrey put me on something.” He nodded and she continued. “Just kinda drained.” Suddenly her eyes widened. “Fuck, Emy.” She tried to sit up but Regulus was instantly standing and holding her down with a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“It’s alright. She came in earlier, I got her calmed down and she’s asleep in her dorm.” Nodding slightly she relaxed.

“Thanks.” He dragged the chair closer, settling in it again.

“Least I could do.” They sat in silence for a while before Regulus spoke again. “The four of them are asleep out there. Any other letters we should be aware of?” She shook her head.

“There’s one in my bed, apology to the staff but that’s hardly relevant now.” She hesitated. “Well I suppose I should still apologize but the specifics that are in the letter are irrelevant now.” There was more silence.

“It’ll get better.” She smiled tightly.

“That’s my line.”

“Well once you take care of yourself again you can have it back. Until then it’s mine. And Remus’s apparently.” She groaned.

“Oh you’re never going to get over that are you?” He shook his head, offense clear.

“You’ve talked with him, what? Twice? We’ve been talking every night for months but nooo, the werewolf with a thing for bad boys gets the job.”

“You have no people skills! We’ve been over this!” He wrinkled his nose and brought his voice up in pitch, mocking her.

“‘You have no people skills.’ I’m Y/N and I have wonderful people skills and I’m the Slytherin golden child and I’m passing all my classes and I-.” She rolled her eyes, a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth.

“Shut up.”