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Eric tries to focus on Dr. Carvel’s lecture, but his mind keeps drifting, thoughts of Sam taking up space that should be reserved for property law.
“It wouldn’t do any good,” Sam had reminded him, scratching at his curls in bed that morning. “You’d be missing class just to hold my hand, and it wouldn’t make a difference.”
“But I’d be there,” he insisted.
“That’s not what I want,” she told him gently. “Whatever the news is, I need time to process on my own.”
Of course, he’d understood, but it hurt him to think of Sam, alone, in that doctor’s office, learning if the radiation therapy she’s been receiving for the last few months had finally eradicated what had been left of the cancer.
He checked his phone for what seemed like the hundredth time, bit down a disappointed sigh when he found no new notifications waiting for him.
Sparing a look at the front of the classroom, he opened the Photo app on his phone and scrolled through until he found his Sam folder. She’d kill him if she knew he had a folder dedicated to only pictures of her, but she didn’t have to know about its existence. He scrolled through candids and posed photos: Sam snuggled with Frodo in her couch after a particularly grueling session of chemotherapy, Sam giving him the finger in one of their favorite coffee shops, and even one of them together, a photo she’d taken of them in front of the mirrored walls of an elevator. He loved that last one but refused to make it his wallpaper for a reason that only made sense to himself.
Thankfully, Dr. Carvel didn’t call on him during class, which was good to his psyche, maybe, but bad for keeping his mind from wandering to Sam. In the end, he decided to skip study group in favor of heading straight to Sam’s place in Hell’s Kitchen. He worried up until he got to her front door, frowning at the note stuck over the peep hole:
ROOF
His stomach clenched, and he dropped off his bookbag before taking measured steps up to the roof. His feet felt like lead up until he pushed the heavy door open and was met with sunshine and, surprisingly, music. It took him a moment to understand the scene he was looking at, but when he did, he let out a surprised laugh.
There were about a dozen people gathered on the rooftop, a few he recognized as Sam’s friends and some strangers he hadn’t met before. His eyes searched for a familiar shape, and when he finally met Sam’s gaze, her face lit up. His heart swelled with hope.
“How was class?” she asked, and he couldn’t help the incredulous laugh that fell out of his mouth.
“My–what? Sam, what did the doctor say?” he asked, hands going up to cradle her face. “What–what was the news–”
“Oh, I’m cancer free,” she informed him in a faux casual tone. Instantly, a wave of relief crashes over his body, only to be followed by a wave of confusion at her next words. “Actually, I’ve known for a week, but I was trying to surprise you. Surprise?”
“You–” He felt his face turn down in a frown. “What do you mean you’ve–”
“It’s over,” she said, eyes shining with tears, and her beautiful smile taking up her face. “Dr. Morris–he said, well. He said they got it all.”
“Well, that’s–” His voice hitched, and he felt his eyes well up. Unbidden, he embraced her. She sighed into his neck. “That’s the best thing I’ve heard all my life, I think.”
“Don’t be so dramatic,” she said, clinging tightly to his crewneck sweater.
After Sam had given Eric the news, she had been swept away by the other guests of her party. During the next hour, she’d kept an eye on him as he made friendly small talk with the rest of her guests, though eventually he absconded to a quiet corner, a little ways away from the music and the crowd. She excused herself to sit beside him on a set of deck chairs some tenant had set up there once upon a time and sat in comfortable silence with him. Eventually, he picked up her hand and spoke.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, thumb running through the life line on her palm.
“What?” she asked. “Oh. Well, I wanted to surprise you.”
“I know,” he said, frowning. “But you didn’t tell me you were going to that check-up. You went on your own. What if–what if the news had been–different?”
“That’s why I wanted to go by myself,” she said, and her stomach dropped at the way his expression fell even more. “Eric, are you–what’s wrong?”
“I just…” He looked at her, expression open and pleading. “I don’t know, I just feel…I guess I wish I’d been there.”
“You didn’t have to be,” Sam said, feeling frustration build up in her chest. “You’re not part of it. I’m the one that’s sick, not you.”
He looked like he'd been slapped and her hand fell between them. “I–I know that–”
“Then what’s the problem?” she snapped, feeling a strange bubble of anger build in her chest.
“I don’t–” He bit his lip as he considered his words. “I just want to be there for you.”
“I’m not your responsibility,” she said, heart beating fast in her chest. “I’m not–not some pet–”
“Sam,” he said. “I love you. It just–You just–”
“I’m getting another drink,” she mumbled, standing, leaving him to briskly walk to the refreshments table, where Jasmyn, her friend from her writer’s group, is refilling her own cup.
“What’s going on?” Jasmyn looked curiously at where she’d left Eric, standing with his hands in his pockets and a frown on his face.
“He’s just–being frustrating,” she sighed, pouring herself a heavy pour of bourbon. “I planned this whole thing for–well, for us, because he’s been so stressed out with school and his shitty roommates and me and now he’s upset that–well, I don’t know.”
“He’s mad at you?” Jasmyn asked, and Sam could see the wheels start to turn in her brain.
“No!” Sam said. “He’s not–I don’t even know if he can get mad, just…I didn’t tell him that I got the all-clear last week, is all. I wasn’t sure what the doctor was going to tell me, that’s why I didn’t tell him about the appointment.”
“Don’t know why he’d be upset,” Jasmyn said into her cup. “Not like he’s your boyfriend or anything.”
Sam’s stomach dropped right down to her toes.
“I–” Sam cleared her throat. “No, he’s–he’s–”
“I mean, he’s got a crush on you, for sure,” Jasmyn said, with a wry tilt of her mouth. “But, you know, you can’t control that kind of thing. You’re you.”
“Jasmyn,” Sam said. “What do you think my relationship with Eric is?”
“Friends? What? I mean, when you talked about him, I for sure thought he was gay. He’s just like, really into you, and you’re his friend. Are you worried about letting him down easy? ‘Cause I’ve never been good at that.”
Wordlessly, Sam dropped her cup and made her across the party.
“Eric?” she said, voice rough with emotion. “You know that–You know I love you, right?”
His expression cleared. “Sam–”
“Am I–does it feel like I’m not–like I don’t love you?” she asked haltingly. She dreaded his answer.
“No,” he said easily. “No, Sam, I feel loved by you.”
She felt an unexpected wave of relief. “Good. That’s–that’s good.”
“Sam, I wasn’t–”
“I don’t know how to do this,” she said. “I’ve just–I’ve been on my own for a long time, Eric.”
He said nothing as he stepped into her space, as he placed his hands on her shoulders. “I’m scared that you won’t need me now. Being better…you’ll realize I’m no good–I’m not–of use.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“I’m trying,” he said. “To feel like–like I belong with you, and you keeping this big thing from me scared me, is all. I’m sorry for being…me about the whole thing.”
“I wanted you there,” she confessed. “I wanted you there so badly that it scared me. I don’t want to feel like I…need you, but…” Her breath hitched, but she continued. “I do. I need you, because I love you.”
“I love you,” he said, a smile lighting up his face. “We’ve never said that before, but it’s been true, hasn’t it?”
She nodded. “You love me. You’re loved by me.”
He kissed her once, then smiled as he pressed his forehead against hers, and she felt it. The love wrapped itself around their bodies.