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Mondo’s thumb hovered over the screen, hesitating. Maybe Taka had just checked the time. But he had a watch, and knowing him, he’d never rely on his phone for that. Could he have logged in by accident? Stupid. That made no sense.
Why did Mondo even care this much?
It was currently 2 AM on a school night and Taka was online and yet, not saying a word. That was weird. And weird was usually the norm with someone as odd as the moral compass. Something was wrong, even if Mondo couldn’t place what it was. It wasn’t just Taka’s late-night habit of studying or reading; this felt different.
The kind of different that twisted his stomach.
It was easy to think that Taka being online at this hour of the night would be out of the question for him. However, Mondo knew even he needed a break sometimes, a chance to clear his mind with mindless scrolling or chatting.
The biker had even teased the prefect about his idea of “fun” consisting of articles on politics and history. It took some time for him to teach the old-fashioned student about the many wonders of the internet, including being able to contact each other anywhere and anytime.
Taka’s mind was blown, and so was Mondo’s mailbox afterwards.
Of course, he wouldn’t complain about it. Not if it was his best friend. Having him text detailed recaps of his day, turning Mondo’s messages into Taka’s digital diary. It was somewhat...cute. Kept him distracted. He sighed. Maybe he should check in with him. Just in case.
[Mondo] : hey, guess im not the only one havin trouble sleepin. you alright? wanna talk or…?
He deleted the last part. Sounded too desperate. If Taka wanted to talk, he would have. This was just Mondo being a good bro, that’s all. Nodding to himself, he tossed the phone aside.
The mattress squeaked as Mondo’s back fell on top of it again. Above the night sky, an autumn moon dressing a necklace of sparkling stars shed light to everything down below. Slowly, he turned his head to the side. Lavender eyes traced the soft light beams that shot through the window glass until they took rest on the image of the lustrous celestial body.
Mondo wondered if Taka was looking at the same moon as him, at this same moment. He liked the thought of it, connected by the same light, both of them.
In his mind, he could see Taka looking up from that desk stocked up with books and fancy stationery supplies. A dumb yet endearing smile on his face as he caught the glance of the moonlight, and the way it lit up the room as he opened the curtains all the way. That bright fire in his eyes reflected on the window as he met the full moon from the comfort of his room, basking in its silver warm embrace.
He wondered when he became so sappy.
Weak.
But weakness never felt this comfortable before. It never burned so strongly inside him. It never felt… wet.
A knot caught in his throat, choking him. Hastily, he swiped at his eyes with the first thing he grabbed from his nightstand. A hiss escaped through his teeth as his lips trembled, shame welling up even though no one was around to see. Just himself. His own harsh judgment. It found him even here, alone. He just could never catch a break from it.
He needed to stop it.
The hallway was dark, with only the faint emergency lights casting sickly, washed out glows along the dirty floor tiles. Mondo hadn’t expected to see anyone. Most people would be sleeping, and he’d intended to walk off his restlessness alone. But then, in the dim stretch ahead, a shadowy figure caught his eye, standing by the hallway windows, gazing outside.
Mondo’s steps came slowly to a halt and froze. No, not this again. He took a sharp breath in and out. It was no use freaking out, especially not at this hour. Reluctantly, he walked towards the ominous figure, hoping it would simply disappear like every other time. It did not.
In fact, it spoke to him.
''You’re awake.'' Kiyotaka looked up to Mondo, offering a gentle smile. ''I received your text. I figured I might found you here.''
“Huh.” He finally muttered, forcing himself forward.
Mondo shifted his weight, trying to swallow down the gnawing tension clawing up his chest. There was an awkward beat of silence that stretched just a little too long, an almost oppressive quiet that felt like it was suffocating him. Taka didn’t seem to notice, though.
“It’s strange, isn’t it?'' He turned back to the window, glancing at the other man. ''How peaceful everything seems from here. It feels…calming. Like all the chaos fades away.”
Lavender eyes glared through his peripheral in silent frustration. He couldn’t quite pin down why, but hearing Taka speak so matter-of-factly, complimenting something so mundane, made his own inner turmoil resonate to the point he balled one of his fists.
''You can just… find peace in somethin’ like that? That simple?'' The words came out more accusatory than he intended.
Kiyotaka blinked in response, tilting his head to the side.
''I… I suppose I do, yes.'' Taka nodded. ''It is a matter of looking past the things that might bother one. Not that it is always easy, however.''
The ease in the prefect’s words felt like a stab to his chest. Just look past it. As if it were that simple. His mind raced, anger stirring, not at Taka, but at himself. For being so unlike him, unlike everyone around him.
But Taka… he was different.
Always so confident in himself, from the tone of his voice to his way of conducting himself through daily life. Spotless. He could brighten up a room in the click of a pen. And just as quickly, tears would fall from that pale face before going back to that warm smile.
Always so vulnerable in front of everyone.
Mondo’s stomach began twisting from the inside out just from thinking about it. He would never be like him. It was impossible when he had been trapped in a cage of his own creation the moment he challenged him to an endurance contest. He had lost before they even started.
''How do you never lie to yourself?'' Mondo’s voice dropped, staring emptily through the window.
''I, uh… I don't know. I don’t feel like I have to.'' The ravenette’s brow furrowed in concern. ''Why would I?''
Why would you?
Mondo felt the heat rise in his face, both of his fists clenched. He couldn’t say what he wanted to, couldn’t explain the resentment tearing his insides apart. Instead, he forced a laugh, strained and hollow.
“Figures.” He muttered. “You’d have it all figured out.”
An uneasy silence fell between them. The muffled tick of a clock somewhere down the hall seemed to echo, loud and insistent, each beat winding his nerves tighter. He could feel Kiyotaka watching him, his gaze probing, but he didn’t dare look back. Not when he felt this exposed, as if Kiyotaka’s kindness was scraping at a wound he couldn’t cover up.
Kiyotaka took a hesitant step forward.
“Mondo…is something wrong?”
What wasn’t?
Mondo’s pulse hammered in his ears, and a wave of nausea hit him. He wanted to laugh, to lash out, to tell Taka that he was just too…too much. Too kind, too understanding, too sure of himself in ways Mondo couldn’t be without feeling like a fraud. He swallowed hard, forcing his voice to sound steady.
“Nah. I’m good.” The words scraping against his throat. But Kiyotaka didn’t look convinced.
''Mondo, if… if there is anything I can-'' He lifted a hand towards him and the taller instinctively flinched at the contact.
“There’s not.” Mondo snarled, harsher than he meant. No, actually, he didn’t mean any of it.
Immediately, regret welled up in Mondo’s chest, thick and suffocating. Lips parted for a second and closed again in the next. It was as if his inner self and outer self were two separate entities, killing each other in a battle of wills. In the end, Mondo would lose with either outcome.
He felt the weight of Taka’s disappointment pressing into him, pulling him down, down, deeper into a pit of his own making. For a long moment, neither of them moved.
And then Taka spoke, his voice soft, understanding, and that somehow made it even worse.
''Mondo.''
Stop.
''If you ever want to talk, whenever, I’m here.''
Just stop.
With a small nod, Kiyotaka turned and walked away, his figure retreating into the darkness. Mondo watched him go, fists clenched so hard his knuckles were white, every step Kiyotaka took a twist of the knife. Alone in the quiet hallway, he felt the shadows close in around him, caged, the darkness heavier now, choking him with the things he couldn’t bring himself to say.
The moment he felt a soft cushion under him, Mondo happened to realize he had gotten back in his room. Although he did not remember when, or how, as if his body went on autopilot back there. Whatever, it didn’t matter.
He closed his eyes.
Mondo thought, and thought, and thought about that for countless minutes. About how different things would have turned out for him and Taka, Mondo’s fucked up head aside.
In the end, Mondo knew. He knew it well. That no matter how much he wanted to reach out, be there to support Taka in the same way. To let everything he had bottled up throughout the years just spill. He was scared. He was scared about word of this getting out. He was scared of being seen with Taka and have other people assume the wrong thing. That Mondo, too, was...
The thought alone shook him down to his core.
A coward is all he was.
The room felt abnormally empty tonight. Even the waning moon weakly peeked through the curtains in an attempt to light up even the smallest space. Hollow eyes zoned out of the window. Perhaps if he saw things from Taka’s own eyes, he would understand what he meant a lot better.
The longer Mondo laid there, alone under the pale spotlight, the more he felt an audience gather around him, unseen but leering, their murmurs just loud enough to rattle him.
Everyone will know. Everyone will see.
But he wasn’t some character in a television show people would root for.
He was just a pathetic person alone in his room. A target for no one but his own conscience. Victim of his inner self, pushing Mondo to a forced march towards his own demise.
A long time passed, and eventually he got up. Mondo felt his muscles creak as he stood in his feet again, pacing in the room with no destination in particular, until he stumbled in front of a closet.
That damned, splintered, wore down closet.
He should have gotten rid of it the moment he saw the cracks and termites crawling into the holes. That cursed fragment of his past should have been lone gone by now, it should have. Yet, there it was. Mocking him.
As if part of him wanted it here, when he knew, deeply, he did not.
Mondo swore he heard the wood groan.
A resonant silence fell down on him again, deserted by his thoughts, until he regained some control. He gasped when an unfamiliar figure suddenly stood before him. The sheer horror in his eyes should have triggered Mondo’s fight or flight. Mondo blinked. The other did not. Dark circles framed its petrifying eyes. It took every ounce of willpower to pull away, to shake himself free of that stare. He needed to rest. As he stepped back, it almost seemed to follow him.
Begrudgingly, Mondo stepped away from the mirror.
Weeks, probably months had passed without him noticing, not that he cared anymore.
Their friendship had faded into the background noise, and Mondo made no effort to stop it, even if both he and Taka had silently hoped otherwise. Better this way, he told himself. Repeated it every single day in the hopes that one day he would truly believe so. It was easier than admitting he couldn’t bear the truth. Nothing about him had changed.
Nothing ever would.
Word got out through the chatter around in the classroom. Kiyotaka was making new friends, meeting new people every day. The prefect was famously a socially awkward person, but that also seemed to change. Envy brewed inside Mondo. Kiyotaka was moving forward with a certainty that felt like salt in Mondo’s wounds. Jealousy simmered in him, dark and heavy. Of course, Kiyotaka could change. He had always been a step ahead. Always outgrowing Mondo.
Even then, he had found it.
In the midst of his world falling apart, Mondo found his silver lining.
Now, he had a real reason to long for Kiyotaka.