Archive of Our Own

The “Welcome Back (to life)” party was exhausting. After six hours of games, food, music, laughter and inevitable tears, Kon was glad to finally have some time to be alone.  

He didn’t dislike company, actually it was the exact opposite, but since he had died and come back to life he found himself questioning everything, and things that were once certain were now as vague and terrifying as an animal crying  in the night. Those cries used to disturb Kon when he was new to rural Kansas, but now they were just part of his lullabies at night. As used to them as he was, Kon still couldn’t tell the difference between a rabbit shriek and a deer’s howl.

Or where one of his unnamable emotions began and another ended. 

The sun balanced on the far horizon, swallowed by tall shoots of corn, and the whole world glowed in ethereal amber and lilac. It was a pretty sight and Kon appreciated the stillness. He also enjoyed the chill of the September breeze as it danced on his neck and the tips of his ears, and he relished how it made the corn rustle. 

In a way the sound of Kansas during harvest season was like the waves in Hawai’i, a comforting large sigh that lulled him when he found himself slipping. 

Lately, Kon found himself slipping into his head a lot, even when in the middle of a conversation with Clark or Martha he could feel himself receding deep into his mind, and it wasn’t comforting. For the first time in Kon’s brief life he truly felt like an alien on the outside looking in on a world he struggled to connect to. All around him were the same faces, same places, but somehow everything was different. He was different and he couldn’t place why.

Another breeze kicked up and a golden leaf blew erratically by him. Catching it, Kon looked at it and felt more connected to that cold leaf than he did to anything else in the world in that moment; the leaf was once extravagantly alive and part of something certain and bigger than itself, and now it was withered and at the mercy of everything.  

Kon let the leaf go and he watched it dance in the twilight carried by the wind before it got lost in the cornfield never to be seen again. 

Had Kon been younger he would have berated himself for being so wimpy and would have seriously questioned if he was getting worked up over a leaf. He imagined his younger self yelling at himself that he should be grateful that he was alive - so what if everything was different now! 

So what that after over two years of chaos and exploitation the moment he found stability and unconditional love it was all taken from him as he was impaled by the street?

So what if even though he came back to life, every time Cassie looked at him she looked like she had done something unspeakably wrong and even though he knew she didn’t, they both couldn’t cope with what had happened and they broke up?

So what if Tim no longer returned his calls, his text messages or his emails as he too succumbed to his own grief? 

So what if Clark was stretched thin between Earth and New Krypton? 

So what if Clark was no longer the Last Son of Krypton, and the solar system now had a neighbor that was home to one hundred thousand Kryptonians and every single one of them was banned from Earth and xenophobia was everywhere he turned his head?

So what if Kon couldn’t tell who died that day when Superboy Prime murdered him; if it was Kon, Conner or Superboy or all three…

So what, so what, so what! It didn’t matter because he was alive. He was flesh and blood and bones and alive again so he could appreciate a sinking sun and look forward to a bright, better tomorrow! 

The old him, and maybe he was dead for good, would have just rolled with the punches and moved on like he always did and he would have yelled at him to be fucking grateful because his brothers were dead along with millions of other people. But not him! He was alive and healthy and loved so what the fuck was he doing feeling like this for?!

Ungrateful. You died like you always were prepared for and now you can’t deal with the consequences.

Lips drawing down into a tight frown, Kon decided to go back to the farmhouse. The wind and leaves of September could not help him, but maybe another hug from Martha might finally put his soul back in place and-

“Fuck! Damnit! Bart?! ” Kon jumped when he nearly crashed into his friend who had crept up on him. “You’re still here?” he gasped and swallowed his heart back down.

Bart was entirely unphased by scaring the shit out of Kon. “Yeah, figured I’d help with cleanup and anything else around here,” he explained. “Ma Kent sure makes a mean lemon cake. I think I’m gonna be dreamin’ about that cake for months!” The pep and buoyancy in his voice was a comfort to Kon and he cracked a small smile before he gently punched his shoulder. 

“Glad you came, Bart,” Kon said affectionately. Bart gave him a small smile in return, he was wearing civilian clothes which was a rare sight to see for them - Bart paired red plaid shorts with a black hoodie and the dark colors made his yellow eyes burn like the vanishing sun. 

“You know I wouldn’t have missed this,” Bart began and then he flicked those golden eyes down a little and he frowned. “There’s actually a lot of stuff I’d like to talk to you about but heh, been impossible to get some alone time with you with how busy things have gotten.” 

Kon couldn’t deny that, even though they both came back to life at the same time, they rarely had a single moment alone to just… talk. “Well I don’t have anything going on now, what’s up?” 

The sun was finally swallowed and Bart’s eyes lost a bit of their light too. Kon watched as Bart scratched the back of his head awkwardly and his face twisted a little as he thought about what to say. Finally Bart shook his head defeatedly. “You know what, never mind. I don’t wanna ruin the good vibes from the party - I’m just gonna go home. Goodnight, Kon.” Bart turned around to leave and Kon felt a spike of panic and he lunged for his shoulder, grabbing it.

“Wait! Stay?” Bart stopped and turned his head to him. Kon swallowed something he couldn’t name down his throat but it was choking him. “Please?” Bart looked for a moment like he was going to bolt - as if he would be engulfed in lightning and be gone. “Stay.” Kon pleaded again and dropped his hand from his shoulder down his arm and to his warm hand. He wasn’t sure why he did it but he grabbed his hand and held onto it for dear life. 

What happened next was what both yearned to do the second they saw each other in the glittering snow when they were brought back to life. They crashed together in an embrace so tight not even the shockwave from an atomic bomb could separate them. 

They could have been swept away by a cosmic event and they would not have noticed because all that mattered to them was holding onto each other just in case they lost each other again. The sun might have gone down and the farm was blanketed in darkness, but the stars were in their eyes and they were bright to each other. They were bright, and they were both alive against all odds.

But Kon was his own worst enemy and he pulled away, releasing Bart. “S-sorry,” he stammered and stood dumbly in front of the speedster. Kon’s apology made Bart look at him questioningly. 

“Why are you sorry?” 

Kon thought about it for a moment and finally he shook his head in defeat. “I dunno Bart. I feel like, I dunno.” Kon paused and took a slow breath before he awkwardly continued. “I feel like I should be happy and nothing but happy that I am alive. But fuck I feel like there’s this weight on my chest and like the whole world has changed and I…” he stalled trailing off as wordswere obliterated in his mind before they could even reach his tongue.

When Kon’s words hung in the air long enough Bart continued them. “Like you don’t belong?” 

Kon thought about his words and after a moment his lips twitched into an awkward pained smile before vanishing and he nodded. “Yeah, I guess. I’m not sure who I am anymore. I’m not sure what it all means anymore, or what this world means to me. Fuck. It used to be so clear to me but now, heh, guess I went back into a cocoon and came back… wrong?” 

“I don’t think we came back wrong,” Bart said and Kon noticed that he said ‘we’ instead of ‘you’. “I think our world just sort of ended when we died, and it went on without us, so now we just don’t fit and we gotta catch up.” Bart paused before he continued, his eyes unfocused on the middle distance as he spoke. “I’ve always been lost here, sorta got used to it. I just accepted that was the way things were for me -  I was never gonna feel like I belonged entirely, and that was okay for me for a long time!” 

“And here I am the opposite, I felt so damn sure of who I was and where I was going in life, and now I feel totally lost and it bothers me Bart. How did you just accept it back then?” 

Bart opened his mouth to answer him when Martha’s voice carried to them from the house. “Boys! I still have two slices of lemon cake I don’t want to save! Come on in and eat it!” It was such a joyous sound and Kon cupped his hand to his mouth and shouted to her they would be in in a moment. 

“Guess rain check for now. Come on, let’s finish that cake off.” Kon said and patted Bart’s shoulder. They both walked to the house together almost shoulder to shoulder. 

“I never understand that phrase, rain check, why does a check for rain mean waiting until later?” Bart mused and Kon thought about it. 

“Because I guess you’re gonna be waiting for a long time for it to cash out.” 

. . . 

Bart mulled over the ‘rain check’ as he ate the final slice of lemon cake. In a way, waiting for something to cash out was something he was always used to, even though he wasn’t entirely sure what he was waiting for. Life was hard for him every second while in Manchester with Max as his guardian, and every day he kept wondering when things were finally going to make perfect sense - they never did, but the love was enough to make him feel content. Until Max was taken from him, until he had to start over again with new guardians, until he overheard Wally throwing every last thing he had personally accomplished in the trash by saying he didn’t believe in him. 

Between bites of cake and sips of Pepsi and his thoughts, Bart juggled conversation with Martha and Kon, who was pantomiming being normal. Bart could see through it though.  Bart could see how Kon’s entire body language had changed and his eyes no longer glittered like a wave in summer. 

Bart would do anything to see that glitter again.

“Well, you two boys clean up. I’m going to bed,” Martha said and she gave Kon a hug. “Bart, you don’t be a stranger.” 

Bart smiled at her but didn’t respond because she was already shuffling out of the kitchen. When she was gone they both sat at the kitchen table in silence, the ticking of the clock beating in the background like a pulse. 

Finally Kon got up and began washing the dishes. He was done quickly and as he patted his hands dry on a yellow kitchen towel he dreaded saying goodnight to Bart. 

“Can I cash that rain check?” Bart suddenly asked and it made Kon snicker. Only Bart could get him to genuinely laugh these days. 

“Yeah, yeah you can. Come on, let’s talk outside.” What Kon didn’t reveal was he didn’t want Martha overhearing them because he didn’t want her to worry. 

. . . 

Inside the barn loft was a magical place. It was for Clark when he was a teenager almost 30 years ago and it was to Kon too. Fairy lights hung on the unfinished ceiling casting them in a soft yellow glow while outside silver stars glittered. There was an old old old hide-a-bed type couch pushed against the wall that looked like it was from the ‘80s and it likely was. Kon wasn’t bothered by sitting on it though and he watched amusedly as Bart explored the loft. 

“Dude this place is cool! How come you never showed me this?! Hey, izzat that a telescope?!” Bart was at the window and his eye was pressed to the eyepiece before Kon registered the question. 

“Yep, belonged to Clark back when he was our age.” 

“Woah… I can see the neighbor’s farm!” Bart said with a grin but then it suddenly fell as he pulled his face away from the telescope. “Maybe I can see a little too much of the neighbors heh. Guess no need for curtains when you’re this rural. You said this was Clark’s?” 

Kon made an awkward grimace and he did not want to think about the more creepy implications of that telescope. “I’m sure he was looking at the stars, Bart.” 

“Do you think you can see Krypton’s star?” Bart suddenly asked as he sat next to Kon, the couch was worn down from decades of use and he fell a little deeper into the couch than he expected but shimmied himself back into place almost instantly. 

“Krypton’s star?” Kon repeated and he looked out the window towards the dark. “I’m not sure.” 

“Well Krypton was from our galaxy so you might be able to find its star. Do you think that’s why Clark has the telescope? Was he looking for where he came from?” 

“That’s… a good question. I really don’t know,” Kon admitted and he thought about Clark. He thought about him at his age, feeling alone and scared of his forming abilities, knowing he wasn’t human but also feeling so connected to humanity because it was the only thing he knew. He imagined him worrying if he was a threat, if he was always going to be loved, if he was going to be rejected the second he was found out that he was an alien, and finally he imagined him looking through that telescope to see if he could find something to latch onto to make it all make sense. 

Kon wondered if while Clark had all those feelings did he also feel guilty about having them because he was loved.  

“You asked me how I just accepted not feeling like I belonged.” Bart’s voice carved Kon away from his thoughts. 

“Yeah,” Kon sighed. “Out of all my issues being a clone and all the shit-terrific things I’ve been through, I never felt like I didn’t belong here. How did you do it?” 

Bart stared out that window as he answered him and his voice was weighted. “I admit, it never really bothered me. I always knew that no matter what, I’d be the speedster that just didn’t fit with the others . I’m not supposed to be here Kon, I was born one thousand years in the future to two families that should never have met, and I should have died twice before even coming here! I’m like a red sprite in a lightning storm. I’m an anomaly that just showed up that people had to deal with. I’m weird and because of that I am never going to belong , really . No matter what I do, no matter how much I try to conform, even if I read the entire contents of the San Francisco Library will I make myself fit better.” 

“So that’s why you-” 

Bart cut him off with a wave of his hand. “It didn’t bother me until I started seeing people not believe in me. I got tired of people thinking I was stupid and I tried to make myself be someone they all wanted me to be and I’ll be honest, it fucking sucked!” 

Kon suddenly felt guilty for all the times he called him an ‘idiot’ or a ‘nimrod’, but before he could even try to apologize Bart kept talking. “When you died Kon, it really made my whole earth shake, you know? It made me really start thinking about myself, where I wanted to be, who I was and then… BAM, there I am dead as dead can get too. Well, for a speedster anyway.” 

“Being dead sucks by the way,” Kon revealed even though he didn’t remember much of anything. Only a vague feeling of contentment and loneliness. 

“Totally sucks,”  Bart agreed. “But coming back to life finally unzipped everything for me and made me understand that while I might not really fit in or belong entirely, I am still loved and I have a pretty cool life. I’m never gonna let people say I’m stupid though. I’m never going to roll with punches and be okay with them. And… I think I’m gonna stop being Kid Flash because that’s not me. I’m Impulse!”

It was a long answer and it made Kon think. He thought about his own beginnings in the tank and how he was so close to being a puppet to Cadmus. How in order for him to be alive, Clark had to die, and how he too almost died over and over again. How despite him trying his best, and believing in the best of others he was frequently called a screw up. But he always bounced back and tried to fix things while looking forward to a brighter tomorrow even if he had to change homes every year to do it. And he was loved loved loved

Just like with Bart, he had rolled with a lot of punches that he probably should have tried to dodge or block. It was a sobering realization. “We never talked about how similar we are, y’know?” 

Bart looked at Kon, the smallest little impish smile on his face. “I’m also pretty bad at bringing up really important things? So that’s probably on me?” Kon laughed because it was so blunt, so honest and so true. “Hey jerkwad! Don’t laugh at me or I’ll leave!” 

“Wait! Wait!” Kon hooted and calmed down. “I’m not laughing at you, I am laughing because I love you!” 

They both froze at that and stared at each other. Gold eyes on aqua blue like a sun on water. A younger Kon might have fumbled over himself to change the subject or to clarify what he said but this Kon didn’t. He said what he said and he meant it.  

He meant it in so many ways.

Bart scooted closer to him and the couch groaned with his movement. “I love you too,” he said very softly and his eyes burned him. “I love you.”

Kon felt something in his chest twitch, something warm and it compelled him as he leaned closer to Bart. “Can I?” he asked, his eyes burning, and Bart nodded in permission. 

It wasn’t Kon that closed the gap between them, it was actually Bart who caught him in a gentle featherlight kiss. His lips were softer than Kon could have ever imagined, and as the kiss built up he found he tasted like lemons from the cake they shared. The kiss was exploring and trusting to start but then built into something more certain, and hungry as Bart held Kon’s face. 

It was euphoric and everything made sense to Kon for a moment as he kissed Bart, at least how much he was glad they were both alive if it meant he could do this and be this close with someone who got it . Caught up in their passion, Kon’s fingers traced over Bart’s exposed gnarled scar on his knee and it drew a low pleasant hum from him. 

Kon’s morning began with empty thoughts and an aching heart but now under little dim fairy lights his thoughts were buzzing in his head and his heart galloped. He didn’t know this was how the day was going to end, but he would have been a lot more dumb than he usually was if he denied that he wanted this. Breaking his bones and his body over and over again to find himself might have made him understand who he was before he died, but now in this somber space of his mind where he lost himself he found that Bart was something he could hold onto and find himself again.

Bart wasn’t any different either, he fed himself into life as passionately as he could like paper into a bonfire at night, but this was one thing he slowed down for. Kon made the world slow down and all his creeping doubts were banished in favor of basking in Kon’s sunshine.

The kiss couldn’t last forever and they parted, their lips wet and numb and cheeks pink. 

Gold eyes met blue and suddenly they started laughing, it was contagious as their giggles turned into little gasps and snorts until they tapered off into slow sighs. It was a tender moment neither wanted to let go of as Bart leaned into Kon’s chest as he reclined into that old couch holding onto Bart as if they were once again back in the cold snow, only now they could celebrate being alive.

It took a while for Kon to gather together his thoughts after the euphoria of making out with one of his best friends faded. In fact he wasn’t even sure if Bart was still awake when he started talking. “I think what bothered me the most about dying was that I’ve always been ready for it - and okay with it.” 

Bart was definitely awake and he shifted to one elbow sandwiched between Kon and the couch so he could look at him. “What do you mean?” 

Kon caught a string of Bart’s hoodie and played with it idly. “I’ve always been okay with dying, almost killed myself a few times too for ‘the greater good’ and all. But when it finally happened, in the way it happened, and all that came afterwards -  I really was not prepared for it. And dying made me really think about my past and who I tried to be for years. It made me think about my place in the world, and now I have more questions than answers. I thought I was starting to know who Conner was, but now? I really don’t think I ever knew him. Or maybe I did, but now I’m just someone new and I’m scared of who I am now.” 

Bart smiled a little, a soft little thing that made his eyes brighter. “I think that’s pretty exciting though, right? You can find those answers and you have a lifetime to do it!” 

Kon wrapped Bart up in the biggest hug he could give him without breaking him and he squeaked. “I know one thing at least, I want you there with me. Say you’ll be there?” 

“Heck yeah I will. I didn’t makeout with you for kicks! I’ll always be there, and I’ll always find you, okay?” 

Kon liked that promise and he craned his head so he could kiss him again, a quick small one. “I’ll probably be in the fields for a while helping on the farm, so you can’t miss me.” 

“Just look for the lightning then,” Bart said between gentle kisses and Kon felt his blood turn to light.