Chapter Text
Siuan could never forget the first time she met Moiraine, the same day that the two of them had first arrived at the White Tower, barely sixteen years old. The worst and best day, Moiraine had called it, one night when they'd cuddled tearfully together, neither of them able to sleep for nightmares and grief. The worst day because that was one of the last times you got to see your father, and you lost everything. But the best day because I got to meet you.
Siuan had sniffed, wiping the last few tears from her cheeks. I love you, Moiraine, she'd said. So so much.
That was the first time they'd said I love you. The first out of what would be many, many times.
Siuan shifts carefully, taking care not to disturb Moiraine, peacefully sleeping on her lap. She gently runs her fingers through Moiraine's hair, delicately working at a tangle, and leans down to press a kiss on her forehead. Moiraine stirs a little, before falling back asleep.
Light, Moiraine is so precious, especially like this, all soft and vulnerable. Siuan doesn't think she could ever tire of being with her, of holding her, of touching her. Tears sting her eyes and blur her vision, love for Moiraine making Siuan's heart feel so full and warm.
"I love you," she whispers, her voice catching. A sob threatens to burst from her chest, but she swallows it down. "I love you. I love you so much, sometimes it feels like my heart is going to explode."
Moiraine can't hear Siuan- she's still sound asleep, her soft breaths a metronome accompanied with the steady rise and fall of her chest. But she says the words anyway. She's not sure why she's so emotional tonight, but all she knows is that she needs Moiraine. And that she cherishes her and loves her, with everything she has.
(Many years earlier)
The sun was just beginning to set, turning everything orange.
Siuan stepped out of the boat, gathered her few belongings and walked up to the entrance of the White Tower. Before she could knock, the door swung open, revealing a plump woman with greying hair, pulled back from her face.
This, Siuan supposed, must have been the Mistress of Novices at the White Tower.
"Siuan?" the woman said, without any proper greeting, though not unkindly.
"Yes," Siuan replied. She hoped she sounded more confident than she felt.
The woman flashed her a quick smile. "Welcome. I am Merean Redhill, the Mistress of Novices at the White Tower. Did you know you're not the only new girl here? There's another novice starting here today too. I think she's even the same age as you. Look out for each other, will you?"
"Um, sure," Siuan said, awkwardly shifting her belongings in her arms.
Merean sighed and clucked her tongue. "Well," she said, "I suppose you'd better come inside. You must be starving." She held out the door for Siuan, who stepped inside. "Someone will be here in a minute to show you to your room. Dinner is in an hour. Normally you'd be scrubbing floors, but since it's your first day, feel free to explore the grounds or wash up before then."
"Thanks," Siuan said.
Merean smiled at her, patted her arm gently and continued on her way. "Someone'll here in a minute, either one of the Accepted or a full sister. Most of them are pretty friendly."
Siuan smiled back in thanks, and waited.
Soon enough, an older girl approached, in a white dress with coloured stripes around the sleeves and hem.
Siuan remembered something about what that dress meant, vaguely. She'd have to ask someone about that later.
"Hello," the girl said, unsmilingly, but she sounded friendly. "I'm Elaida. I'm to show you to your room." She held out an arm for Siuan to take, which she did.
Elaida led her up to the Novice quarters silently, into a bare, plain room overlooking a balcony. "Here you are. If you need anything, ask one of the Accepted or Sisters."
"Okay," Siuan said. "The Accepted are the ones with the striped dresses, right? Like the one you're wearing?"
Elaida let a very small smile flit across her lips. "Yes. Novice dresses are hanging in that cupboard, cleaning supplies at the bottom. You'll need those to scrub the floor tomorrow morning. Bathrooms are in the end room. The third shower from the left is broken."
"Thank you," Siuan said.
A knowing smile flicked across Elaida's lips. "You're welcome," she said. "That's what sisters are here for, right?"
Thirty minutes later, Siuan had bathed and gotten changed into one of the Novice dresses from the closet. It was too long, too loose in the hips and the chest.
"You'll grow into it," Merean had said reassuringly, when she went to check on her. "They always fit like that at first. But you'll get used to it." She helped Siuan with a button she missed. "There you go."
Siuan didn't bother reminding her that she was nearly sixteen years old, and that there probably wasn't going to be very much growing left for her to do. Instead, she just thanked her with a smile.
"Did you have any trouble getting up here at all?"
Siuan shook her head. "Elaida helped me. She was really nice too."
Merean smiled. "Glad to hear," she said. "Sometimes Elaida... never mind. Just be careful around her, okay?" There was an almost motherly concern to her voice.
"Okay," Siuan said. She wanted to ask why, but decided against it. "Dinner is in thirty minutes?"
"Exactly. Be nice and punctual, then you'll get one of the good tables. Did you see the other girl yet? The one I mentioned earlier?"
Siuan shook her head. "I don't think so," she said. "I'll keep a look out for her."
Merean placed a hand on Siuan's shoulder and squeezed it. "Thank you," she said. "I know what you've been through is hard, harder than what most people your age have had to deal with. I don't normally say this to anyone, but I'm proud of you."
It was still early, so Siuan figured the next best thing to do would be to explore the Tower grounds before dinner. The map she'd been given earlier didn't seem too difficult to understand. She could barely read, but it was clear and concise enough to follow.
Siuan stepped out from her doorway, only to nearly crash into another girl who was outside.
"Light, I'm sorry!" she said. "I didn't see you there. Did I hurt you?"
The other girl stepped back, and Siuan caught a better look at her face. And she couldn't help but stare, despite her best attempts to hide it. She was small and petite, but carried herself in a way that made her seem much taller, with lush, dark brown hair that fell in a waterfall down her back, porcelain-pale skin, beautiful blue eyes and the most perfect, delicate features Siuan had ever seen. Her white novice dress hung on her small frame perfectly.
"I'm okay," she said, in a foreign-sounding, educated accent. She looked Siuan up and down, with a stare that was both polite and assessing at the same time. "Is it your first day too?"
"It is," Siuan said. "You must be the one Merean was telling me about?"
The other girl raised one perfect eyebrow at Siuan. "Merean told you about me?"
"Not you directly. She said that there was another novice starting today too, and that we were around the same age."
"Ahhh," the other girl said. "I see. Is this your room?" She gestured to the doorway which Siuan had just left.
"It is," Siuan said. "Where's yours?"
"Right next door," she said. "I was wondering who was going to be next to me."
Siuan smiled at her. "Well, now you know."
The dark-haired girl nodded, looking slightly vague, except for her eyes. Those eyes looked at Siuan again, seeming to take all of her in at once.
"What's your name?" she asked, still looking.
"Siuan," Siuan replied. "Siuan Sanche. And you?"
"Moiraine."
"Just Moiraine?"
Moiraine hesitated. "Damodred," she said, almost reluctantly. "Moiraine Damodred."
"Moiraine," Siuan repeated. "I love your name. It sounds like something from a story."
Moiraine smiled a very small smile. "Really?"
"It does. I love it. Honestly."
Moiraine smiled again, and the two girls stood there for a few moments, neither of them knowing what to say next, Siuan wracking her brain with things to say to make it less awkward.
"You're really pretty," she blurted, before realising what she'd said. She resisted the urge to clamp her hand over her mouth.
Moiraine's cheeks were stained pink in an instant blush. "Thanks," she said, then turned even redder. "No one's said that about me before," she added.
"Really? Fish guts, you're one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen."
Something flickered across Moiraine's face for a moment, an expression that Siuan couldn't quite pinpoint, no matter how hard she tried. A mix of amusement at Siuan's use of "Fish guts", and something else. Almost as though she was scared that Siuan didn't mean it, or scared of something else, though Siuan couldn't tell what it was.
"Thanks," Moiraine said again, after a pause. "That's very kind of you."
The girl- Siuan- held out an arm towards her. "Should we go to dinner?" she asked.
Moiraine blinked once, then twice.
"Give me a moment," she said at last. "I just need to sort a few things. You can go ahead without me."
Siuan gave her a smile. "Okay," she said. "I'll be right out here."
Moiraine returned it easily enough, then quickly turned back towards her room, hoping that Siuan wouldn't notice the tears in her eyes which were threatening to spill down her cheeks.
Closing the door behind her, Moiraine pressed a hand over her eyes. Light, what was wrong with her? She was at the White Tower now. Away from her family, away from those she feared, away from those memories that haunted her in her dreams. She should've been fine. Or at least doing better than this. That Sanche girl was just trying to talk to her. She'd wanted to be Moiraine's friend, she was sure of it. She wasn't even Cairhienin, not with that skin and certainly not with those curls. She was certainly not nobility, not with the calluses Moiraine had spied on her hands when they were talking. She probably didn't even know about the infamous Game of Houses that ran rife there.
Light, she'd even told Moiraine that she was one of the prettiest girls she'd ever seen. She clearly hadn't meant to say it straight to her face, but years of Daes Dae'mar ingrained in Moiraine made her able to tell that she had truly meant it.
The funny thing was, those were the words Moiraine had wanted to say to Siuan, but she'd been too scared to say them.
Still though, Moiraine couldn't help thinking that the only reason Siuan wanted anything to do with her was to get something out of her. Why else would someone so beautiful be so kind to her the first time they'd met?
She sighed, willing the tears not to fall. But they did anyway.
From outside, she heard Siuan's voice, full of concern. "Moiraine? Is everything alright?"
"Coming," Moiraine said. She hastily wiped at her face. Her face was still a tiny bit red, but it would have to do. She opened the door, forcing a smile. "Let's go to dinner."
"This chicken is awfully good," Siuan said, mouth full. "Did you try some?"
Moiraine shook her head, picking at the small amount of salad she'd put on her plate with her fork. You couldn't be too careful with cooked food- there might have been poison in it- but at least with raw ingredients, the chance of poisoning was less.
Before she knew it, Siuan was picking up a juicy piece of chicken from her plate, before transferring it over to Moiraine's.
"Eat," she said, encouragingly. "You must be starving."
She hesitated, then cut a tiny piece of chicken and popped it into her mouth. Only then did she realise how hungry she truly was. She cut another piece and ate it hungrily, all worries of poison forgotten.
"Good, right?" Siuan asked, smiling at her.
"It's good," she said. "Thank you," she added softly.
Siuan hesitantly placed a hand on her arm, as though she knew she'd startle if she was too sudden. "Of course," she said. "Here. Finish that up, and we can grab seconds. You need to keep up your strength. I've heard Tower training is hungry work." She placed a bread roll from her plate on Moiraine's. "Eat that up too. It's good with the sauce."
They hadn't had much opportunity to talk during dinner- Novice dinner times were too short for any real conversation. But from the few words they'd exchanged, Siuan knew she wanted to be Moiraine's friend.
Maybe it was the toughness that she could see under the sweet, porcelain exterior, or the way Moiraine seemed to be playing hard-to-get, which somehow made Siuan want to get to know her even more.
They'd gone back to their rooms together after eating. No one had told them what to do. Most of the Novices seemed to be wandering around, studying or talking to their friends.
Siuan lay back on her bed, tucking her hands under her head and staring at the ceiling. Not bad for what was supposed to be a place for training, she supposed. Compared to plenty of other schools she'd heard of, this would've been considered to be extravagant, despite the fairly small sizes of the bedrooms.
She hoped her papa was doing alright. She knew there were people in her village who would've been there to help, she was sure. She hoped desperately that there were. He had given up so much for her to be here, after all.
Siuan got up and went towards the window, sitting on the chair by the windowsill.
"I love you, papa," she whispered. "I miss you dreadfully. But I think I'll be okay. Do you know, I think I've made a friend. Or am close to it."
She stared out the window at the stars for a few moments, then went back towards her bed, where her belongings still lay. They weren't much- just the last fishing next they'd made together, a little carving of a fish, a few coins, some changes of clothes. She supposed she didn't need the clothes- in the closet, there were enough white dresses to last lifetimes. But her few items from Tear were the most precious things to her.
Siuan carefully folded the bundle of things, and placed it in the top shelf of the closet. She'd keep them there as reminders of Tear and her papa whenever she needed them. Reminders of home.
Siuan washed her hands and face in one of the little sinks in the bathrooms, then walked back to her room. The room next door to hers was ajar, a little slice of light leaking through the crack. The air inside smelled faintly of roses, a scent as light and pretty as Moiraine was.
Siuan gently pushed it open a little further. "Good night, Moiraine," she said. "Sweet dreams."
No response for a moment. She was about to leave when she heard Moiraine's voice, so quiet that she almost missed it.
"Good night, Siuan."
Siuan smiled, then shut the door again behind her and went back to her room. Lying on her bed, she pulled the covers over herself, then abandoned the endeavour. It was pretty warm anyway.
She wondered what Moiraine was doing- she hadn't been able to see into her room, didn't want to intrude. Maybe she was reading one of the books Siuan had spied earlier, or braiding her hair before bed, or maybe, just maybe, she was thinking about Siuan too.
She didn't even know why she was thinking so much about Moiraine- realistically, they'd probably end up forgetting each other by the next day, but if not, then at least she'd come one step closer to making a friend.
There was a knock on the door. Siuan got up and opened it to find Merean standing there.
"Just checking that you've got back alright- lights go off in ten minutes," she said. "Make sure to get a good night's sleep. You'll need to be up early to scrub the floors."
"Thank you," Siuan said. "Thank you for looking after me on my first day."
Merean smiled at her. "That's my job. Well, I won't keep you- it's getting late. Goodnight and sweet dreams," she said.
"Goodnight."
One last smile, and Merean left her.
A moment later, she could hear Merean knocking on the neighbouring door, could hear her repeating what she'd said to Moiraine.
Smiling, Siuan closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift off to sleep. Despite what she had initially thought, today wasn't too bad for a first day.