Archive of Our Own

It was a usual Friday night. After class, Till was at Ivan’s house, playing games and talking about everything that had happened during the week.

“I won!” he said, grinning. “How does it feel to lose three times in a row?”

“I let you win only because I know you’re a sore loser,” Ivan replied, munching on a chip.

“Yeah, right. Keep dreaming.”

Till pulled out his phone to check his friends’ stories. “I can’t believe it! Look,” he showed the phone to Ivan. “Sua and Mizi went to that restaurant I’ve been bragging about for weeks, i hate them” He sighed and lay down on the sofa.

“It’s okay; we can always go together,” Ivan said, ruffling Till’s hair.

“Yeah, sure.” Till noticed his phone battery—15%?! Like hell I’m getting back to the dorms without music, he thought. “Ivan, can I borrow your charger? I have a low battery.”

“Sure, it should be in my room, in the drawer of my desk.”

Till went to Ivan's room, which was very tidy, in contrast to his own messy space. He started opening all the drawers of the desk.

Not here… not here either… What is this?

Till pulled out a crumpled page from one of the drawers that looked like it had been torn from a notebook. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was nosy, so he started reading it.

In the quiet of the night, I close my eyes,
Drifting into dreams where the heart never lies.
Laughter echoes softly, a melody so sweet,
But in this gentle silence, it’s you my heart will meet.
I sleep so I can see you,
In a world where love is free.
Every moment feels like magic,
Just you and me, just you and me.
Secrets shared, a glance that lingers,
Fingers brush, igniting all the spark that’s in us.
But fear wraps tight around my heart,
What if I speak, and we drift apart?
Will you ever see me like I see you?
In the light of day, could our dreams come true?
So I hold this feeling, deep inside my soul,
Wishing for the courage to let you know.
But for now, in shadows, my heart will stay,
Dreaming of the words I wish I could say.
In the quiet of the night, I’ll find you again,
A love that’s unspoken, my god, my universe.
Wondering if one day, you’ll see me too,
In the dreams where I’m just lost in you.

What the heck is this? Till frowned in confusion. They had been friends since they were kids, and Ivan had never told him anything about loving someone.

“Till, did you find it?” Ivan shouted from the other room.

Shit. Till quickly took out his phone and snapped a picture of the page. I’ll figure this out later, he thought, opening another drawer and finally finding the charger.

“Yeah, coming!” he called back.

—

Till had been staring at the page he found in Ivan’s drawer for half an hour. It wasn’t strange for Ivan to tear out a page of a song he didn’t like, but something like this? Especially hiding it in his desk?

Ivan had never shown him love songs. From what Till knew, he wasn’t a fan and only wrote them when his teacher assigned them. But still… something this personal and beautiful didn’t seem like just a fleeting thought. It felt real, like he was genuinely in pain from this love.

But who was it for? Who did Ivan have a crush on? Ivan had never mentioned anyone, and during their early teenage years, Till thought it was because Ivan was gay and afraid to come out. But after confronting him about it, Ivan had just said, “I don’t know. I’m probably too picky, and I don’t have much time to dedicate to someone else. I prefer to focus on my music and you, anyway.”

That conversation had never come up again. But how could he not have told Till anything? They were best friends. He definitely would’ve teased him, but still, he should know about things like this.

This year, Ivan became a member of the student council, which meant he was spending less time with Till. Couldn’t he have found someone there?

It wasn’t strange for people to fall for him; Ivan was a tall, good-looking guy with short dark hair and deep, sparkling eyes. He was a private person but also reliable and outgoing. He played piano, composed music, and had an amazing voice, so it was no wonder both boys and girls were drawn to his mysterious aura.

Maybe he hadn’t said anything because it was unrequited love? It felt that way from the poem. Till needed to know, and he would.

—

Monday came. The morning classes were over, and Till was heading to lunch as usual with Mizi, Sua, and Ivan. Ivan had just texted him that he would be late and told him to start without him, so it was time to put his plan into action: "FIND IVAN’S CRUSH."

Mizi and Sua were already at their table and greeted him as soon as he sat down.

“So, girls, I need to ask you something. On Friday, I was at Ivan’s, and I found what looked like a love song in his drawer. But it was different from the usual ones; this one seemed real. Now I’m trying to figure out for whom it was written. Do you have any ideas?”

Mizi and Sua exchanged glances, as if they were thinking the same thing.

“I don’t know. He never really told us about it. He usually spends more time with you,” Mizi said.

“Do you know anything, Sua? You and Ivan have known each other for a long time; you’re like brother and sister.”

“We never talked about it. But it wouldn’t be weird for him to like someone. Till, why do you care so much?” Sua replied.

“It’s Ivan we’re talking about! Mr. ‘I have too high standards and I’m too cool to date.’ I’m his best friend; he tells me everything. If I asked him what color his underwear is, he’d tell me! How could he keep this from me?” Till said, exasperated.

“So just ask him. What’s the problem?” Mizi suggested.

“I can’t. Where would be the fun in that? I can definitely figure it out in less than a month!”

“Till, you had a crush on Mizi for years and didn’t realize she was a lesbian before we got together,” Sua pointed out.

“Hey! Maybe my gaydar isn’t the best, but I’m definitely the only one who can notice Ivan’s feelings.”

“Yeah, I’m sure of it,” Sua said, annoyed.

“What are you talking about?” Ivan asked, sitting down next to Till.

“Uh, we were just talking about some new things I’m trying with my electric guitar,” Till said, feeling flustered.

“Tell me more,” Ivan said, intrigued.

—

It had been a week, and Till hadn’t gotten anywhere with his investigation. He had hoped that now that he suspected something was up with Ivan, he would have noticed some clues about his secret crush. But nothing. Ivan never talked about anyone in particular when Till asked about his day; he would just mention the school council and how his classes were going, but nothing useful for Till.

He was going crazy. Was Ivan really that good at hiding his feelings, or was Till just too slow to catch on?

Till took out his notebook and started to write a list of all the boys Ivan talked to.

1. Luka
   Luka was their senior, the president of the school council, a top-grade student, and an attractive guy loved and envied by many. There were rumors that he wasn’t serious about relationships, having flings but never stable ones. Many said he had more than a friendship with Hyuna or Hyun-Woo. But how did Ivan feel about him?
   Till remembered a time when he and Ivan went out after school, and Ivan was frustrated about something that had happened in the council. “I swear, Luka is such a drama queen sometimes! I can’t stand him. He’s so good at manipulating people and making you think like him; you literally can’t have a different opinion than him in that room,” Ivan had said.
   Till thought it wouldn’t make sense for Luka to be Ivan's secret crush, right? He didn’t seem like a fan of the enemies-to-lovers trope, and he really doubted Ivan would be interested in someone like him. So, not Luka.
2. Hyun-Woo
   Hyun-Woo was another senior, the vice president of the council, Hyuna’s brother, and Luka’s best friend (or something more?). He was an outstanding guy who got along with everyone and was also a star on the basketball team. It made sense for Ivan to have a crush on someone like him—someone he could see as his sun. It could also explain the unrequited love aspect, given that Hyun-Woo was so friendly with everyone, making it difficult to understand his real feelings.
   Ivan sometimes talked about Hyun-Woo, mentioning how, since joining the council, he had tried to make Ivan feel comfortable and always aimed to light up the room when something went wrong. At that moment, he felt like the most plausible person.
3. His Music Professor?
   I mean, Ivan spent a lot of time in his classes and always spoke highly of him, but for Ivan to have a crush on a teacher? Hmm. He doubted Ivan’s daddy issues were that severe, so definitely not.

Till continued to think about other people, but the others Ivan spent time with were Sua, Mizi, and Hyuna. Unless Ivan had some kind of sudden straight awakening, he really doubted any of them could be the mysterious crush.

Damn, he was going crazy. He had already read that poem a hundred times, trying to find any clues that could help him understand better. Was he really so in love with someone that he couldn’t even tell his best friend about it?

Any guy in college would be lucky to have someone like Ivan by their side. Was it really so bad that he called it unrequited love?

Till went to sleep, lost in thoughts about all this.

—

Lunch was over, and Till and Ivan were walking to their classes. Till had art class, while Ivan was headed to student council.

“So, did something new happen in your life?” Till asked, trying to sound casual.

“Uhm, no, not really. Why do you ask?” Ivan replied, looking at him.

“Oh, just saying—you know, sometimes you seem like a mystery,” Till said with a nervous laugh.

“With you, I’m an open book,” Ivan said, stepping in front of Till and looking him right in the eye.

Before Till could respond, Hyun-Woo appeared behind Ivan, throwing an arm around his shoulder. “Here you are, pretty boy! I’ve been looking for you all over school,” Hyun-Woo said, too close to Ivan for Till's comfort.

“It’s already time?” Ivan asked.

“Not really, but Luka wants to start early so he can get home sooner. You know I don’t want to make the princess angry,” Hyun-Woo replied with a grin.

Ivan rolled his eyes and turned to Till. “Sorry, I can’t walk with you to your class. Is that okay?”

“Y-Yeah,” Till stammered, but before he could continue, Hyun-Woo interrupted.

“Lover boy will be fine, don’t worry,” he teased, pinching Ivan’s cheek. “I’ll bring him back to you in one piece,” he added, winking at Till.

Hyun-Woo started to pull Ivan away, but Ivan called back in a loud voice so Till could hear, “See you later, okay?”

“Yeah, later…” Till replied quietly, staring at the floor.

—

Till didn’t wait for Ivan after class. In fact, he ran to his dorm as fast as he could. He couldn’t think about anything but the questions swirling in his head. As soon as he got back, he collapsed onto his bed, burying his face in his cushion.

What the hell?

He replayed the scene in his mind, but nothing made sense. Ivan hadn’t seemed flustered by Hyun-Woo’s closeness, and also why was he so close? Till knew he was what people called a ray of sunshine, but still—was it really appropriate for him to be that close to his Ivan?

H-His…

Till slapped himself on the cheek.

What the hell am I even thinking? Ivan isn’t mine, he reminded himself.

Were they already together? Maybe that was why he had torn out that page. Was it no longer unrequited love? But then the question remained: why hadn’t Ivan told Till?

Was he really so insignificant in Ivan’s life that he wouldn’t confide in him about his love life?

What if Ivan was going to replace him?

For all his life, there had always been Till and Ivan. Then Mizi and Sua came into the picture, but it wasn’t the same; it was always Till and Ivan.

What was it going to be now? Till, Ivan, and Ivan’s new crush? And then not even Till? What if his lover told Ivan to stay away from him?

He couldn’t lose Ivan. He had never even considered the possibility of that happening.

Just then, his phone buzzed.

Ivan wrote:
"Till, where are you? I’m searching for you all over school :(( "

Till replied:
"I wasn’t feeling well, so I went home."

"No! My baby, what happened? Do you want me to come?"

Till felt tears welling up in his eyes.

"No, why would you even care?"

Silence.

Ivan took longer to reply this time.
"Till, I care about everything about you."

LIAR, he thought.

If he really cared about me, he wouldn’t keep secrets and wouldn’t replace me the second he found someone better.

I hate him, he thought. I hate him so much.

Till didn’t respond. Instead, he started venting through his guitar.

—

It had been a month since Till found that page in Ivan’s drawer. For a day, Till avoided Ivan, trying to sort his thoughts, but eventually, everything returned to normal. They never talked about it, even though Ivan seemed to sense that something was wrong.

Now that he had a clearer mind, Till realized how silly his assumptions had been. Over the weeks, his investigation led him nowhere. At first, he thought Ivan’s crush might be on Hyun-Woo, but the more he considered it, the less likely it seemed. Ivan never mentioned him and didn’t behave like someone with a crush—though Till had never seen him in love, so he couldn’t be sure.

He also talked to Hyuna, asking if she knew anything about Ivan’s feelings. She simply replied, “My brother is really friendly, but when he has a crush, he acts the opposite. I don’t think Ivan likes him; you can be sure his head is turned in another direction.” With that, she left, giving a big smile and a thumbs-up.

Till didn’t fully understand what she meant, but he tried not to overthink it. Now, he was at the café near the college with Mizi and Sua, waiting for Ivan.

Till sighed and rested his face on the table. “It’s been a month, and I’m getting nowhere with my investigation. Should I just confront him about it?”

“I think that’s the best idea. I’m tired of seeing you in this miserable state,” Sua said.

“Till,” Mizi said cautiously. He looked up at her.

“Have you ever thought that maybe Ivan’s secret crush could be you?”

Till’s eyes widened. “W-What?” What was she saying? Me? Of all people? That didn’t make any sense.

“Great honey, you broke him,” Sua said to Mizi, exasperated.

“What I’m trying to say is,” Mizi continued, taking Till’s hands in hers, “what if you’ve never noticed Ivan’s weird behavior because he’s always been in love with you?”

“Wait, are you sure?”

“Till, you should just talk to him and figure out how you feel about him,” Sua urged.

“I—” Till struggled to find the words.

“Hi, guys! Sorry for being late!”

Just like that, Ivan came and sat next to Till. Till face was flushed, and he tried not to look at him.

“Have you already ordered?” Ivan asked the girls while Till focused on calming himself.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Ivan said, pulling something out of his bag. “On my way here, I passed by a vintage store and saw this cute little figure that reminded me of you.”

He placed a figure of a blue cat holding an electric guitar on the table. It looked just like Till.

Ivan rested his chin on his hand, smiling at him. “Do you like it?”

Till felt like he was having a heart attack. How had he never noticed the way Ivan looked at him before?

“I-it’s really cool, thank you,” he said, looking at it and smiling.

—

Classes were over, and Till was in his room, analyzing all the years of friendship he’d shared with Ivan. Maybe, just maybe, he could have been Ivan’s crush.

He just couldn’t understand what Ivan saw in him. It wasn’t that Till thought he was unlovable, but for someone who knew everything about him—especially all his flaws—to love him so deeply? It was hard for him to grasp what someone like Ivan could possibly see in him.

But now the real question was: what did Till feel for Ivan?

He had never considered the possibility of feeling more than friendship for Ivan. It wasn’t like he was having a gay crisis; Till had known since high school that he was bisexual. It was just that Ivan had always been there. He was there when the other kids at school picked on Till. He was there when Till discovered his passion for music. He was there when Till cried over his unrequited love for Mizi. He was there when Till family abused him, opening his arms to offer refuge even when he was struggling with his controlling father.

Ivan had always been his home, his safe place.

This month, it struck Till that he was afraid to lose Ivan. He felt jealous and wanted Ivan to keep looking at him the way he always had, as if he were the one placing stars in the sky.

Till had never overthought this before because it felt normal for Ivan to have this love for him. But perhaps he had understood it all along; he just hadn’t admitted it to himself. All those years, what Ivan had given him was pure, unconditional love.

Till groaned into his cushion. Did he love Ivan too? No one had ever taught him how to love—was he even capable of it? Would it be enough for Ivan? He probably didn’t deserve someone like him, but he couldn’t lie to himself any longer.

He could never live a life without Ivan: without his stupid smile that made Till flustered, without his stupid soft black hair, without his stupid incredible voice and talent for writing—especially about love, even if he claimed it wasn’t for him.

Till hated loving him. He loved Ivan so much that he was terrified of losing him at any moment. It was easier to pretend he hated him.

Shit, he thought. I have to tell him right now.

And Till ran. He grabbed his coat and dashed to Ivan's house, realizing he had wasted too many years faking his feelings. He couldn’t wait another second.

—

Till stood at the front door of Ivan’s house, nervously ringing the doorbell.

Oh shit, what am I even going to say to him? Like, "Hey Ivan, I just realized I actually like you more than a friend, and I think you might feel the same. Let’s make out?"

Till ran a hand through his hair just as he heard someone approaching the door.

“Who is it at this hour… Till? What are you doing here?” Ivan asked, surprised to see him.

“Uh, I-I just came to hang out.” Damn, was he blushing right now? Till was sure he could feel his face burning up.

“Come in! I just finished cooking dinner. You could’ve called so I could’ve made more for you,” Ivan said, pulling Till inside by his arm.

After they ate, they started playing on the Switch.

“Wow, you really lost three times in a row. Have I finally defeated the great Till?” Ivan joked, looking at him.

Till let out an awkward laugh, feeling nervous as he fidgeted with his hands.

“Okay, look, I know something’s wrong with you,” Ivan said, putting down the controller and adopting a serious tone. “I think you’ve been keeping a secret from me for a while. What’s going on, Till?”

Till’s heart began to race. Ivan was looking at him with those puppy eyes—how could he even resist?

“Okay, so a month ago, I found a love song in your drawer that you wrote for someone. I tried to guess who your secret crush was that you decided not to tell me about,” Till blurted out.

Ivan frowned, clearly not expecting this turn of events, and put a hand on his face.

“Are you mad at me?” Till asked.

“No, you know I can’t really be mad at you, but that wasn’t meant to be seen by anyone.”

“Can you be honest with me about who it was for?” Till pressed.

“Fine, spill,” Ivan said.

“Do you have a crush on Hyun-Woo?” Till asked cautiously.

“He’s a cool guy, but no, I don’t see him that way.”

“Okay then, is it Luka?” Till ventured.

Ivan frowned again. “Till, WHAT THE FUCK, LUKA?! Are you for real? You know I can’t—”

“Is it me?” Till interrupted.

Ivan’s eyes widened in shock. “I—”

He opened and closed his mouth, searching for the right words, and Till noticed his ears turning red. How cute, he thought.

“Yes, Till, it’s you,” Ivan finally admitted. Without letting him continue, Till cupped his face and kissed him.

It was just as Till had imagined: awkward, messy, and Ivan’s lips were so soft, but it felt so right.

Ivan pulled away, shocked, after a few seconds. “I—You can’t do this to me, Till! I would die of a heart attack,” he said, burying his face in the crook of Till’s neck.

Till ran a hand through Ivan’s hair, caressing it. Had Ivan always been this cute?

After a few minutes, Ivan calmed down and looked at Till. “You took so long to realize my feelings, you know? I wasn’t even hiding them. You were the only one who didn’t get it,” Ivan said.

“Yeah, you’re right. But admitting your feelings meant I also had to understand mine, and I wasn’t ready for it. Actually, if it hadn’t been for your love song and the help of Sua and Mizi, I probably would have still ignored them,” Till admitted.

“Then I’m happy you found that page,” Ivan said, hugging Till.

“Yeah, me too. Also, it was the best thing you ever wrote, you know?” Till replied, looking at him.

“Uhm, you think so? I’ve been accepting the thought that you wouldn’t feel the same about me, but when I wrote it, I was having a really bad breakdown,” Ivan said, smiling softly.

Till cupped Ivan’s face in his hands. “I’m really sorry I made you wait all those years,” Till said quietly.

“It’s okay. You’re here now,” Ivan said, kissing him.

They settled onto the couch, finally being honest with each other.

“You know, I could make a guitar arrangement for your song,” Till suggested.

“I would love to hear it,” Ivan replied, kissing the top of his head.

—

The smell of blood filled Till’s nostrils. His head felt like it was exploding. What had just happened?

Till looked down at the body near his feet. “Please, no… don’t do this to me,” he said, kneeling down to touch the lifeless face. “Ivan, stop playing; get up, come on,” he pleaded, slapping Ivan’s face gently.

“Why—why did you have to sacrifice yourself for someone like me?” he whispered, feeling his hands grow wet with Ivan’s blood and his own tears.

“Till, wake up.”

Till opened his eyes, blinking away the tears. It was night, and he was in Ivan’s arms on his bed.

“Till, you were screaming in your sleep, then you started crying. Are you okay, baby?” Ivan asked softly, brushing the tears from Till’s face.

“Yeah, I had a bad dream. Sorry,” Till replied, trying to calm his racing heart.

Ivan pulled him closer into his embrace. “What was it about?”

“I lost you forever,” Till said, hugging him tighter.

“Shh, don’t worry, baby. Even if you lose me in one universe, we’ll find each other in the next one,” Ivan reassured him, stroking Till’s hair gently.

Yeah, he was right. In every universe, they would find their way back to each other.