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Kuina misses Kawasemi.
FPS knew. he knew all too well.
most of the important parts of their relationship stemmed from Kuina’s love for Kawasemi, actually.
“Oh, i remember Kawasemi used to love the arcade, so i thought you’d wanna go with me!”
oh, of course the arcade happens to be Kawasemi's favorite place. FPS gave him a pained smile. Kuina doesn't seem to notice. FPS really got his hopes up, thinking that the arcade date was finally so they could be themselves in a place they both seemed to enjoy, but of course Kawasemi was brought up again. he didn't want to imagine the bright orange-haired cheerful man playing a claw machine with his boyfriend. he didn't want to think of himself as a replacement to the said cheerful man.
“Ooh, Kawasemi used to love this dish too!”
FPS wanted to stop eating right then and there. he wanted to wash the swallowed food out of his mouth, vomit everything out, clear his memory of even thinking of the food. he wanted nothing to do with his boyfriend’s dead best friend who he was clearly still infatuated with, he wanted to stop being compared to him.
even how they met was reminiscent of Kawasemi, and especially how they started to fall in ‘love’. whatever type of love starts from someone missing their dead best friend and finding a depressed doppelgänger of said best friend. when they first met eyes, Kuina looked like he had seen a ghost, which probably was what he thought he did, considering his obsession with Kawasemi.
FPS also missed his late best friend, but he doesn’t try to drag his own into everything that was supposed to be just him and Kuina.
he’s never mention the name, nor story of his friend. it pains him to think about replacing his thoughts of his loss with his current boyfriend, and vice versa. it pains him to think about his best friend. it pains him to do anything, at all.
FPS noticed an audible sigh coming from the doorway. Kuina enters the room, probably exhausted. it has been just about 8 years since Kawasemi’s death. just around the same time he had lost his best friend. Kuina sits down and lies on the bed, just staring at the ceiling. he turns to his side and hugs FPS.
he decides not to mention it, and he will never mention it. not once in their life. he doesn’t want to be selfish. he doesn’t want to be alone again, for being selfish.
in a way, Kawasemi’s death was because of human incompetence. so were the deaths of the thousands of others who died by FPS’ hands.
they all didn’t have to happen, either.
FPS feels like shit. he tries to move to the edge of the bed but Kuina tightened his grip on him. all-too-familiar butterflies came out and started fluttering in FPS’s stomach- though they felt more like moths, flitting to the ever-dimming-but-never-going-out light that was his love for Kuina. he gave a soft sigh to acknowledge Kuina’s appearance but didn’t reciprocate the physical affection. as usual, Kuina didn’t notice. he was so caught up with thoughts of the man from his past that he didn’t realize how hard the one in his present was trying not to let go.