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They had fallen into a routine.
Jeong Woo didn’t know how, even though he knew that it was him who contributed more to establish it. It was here now, as they settled onto the mattress in Sang Cheol’s living room, in his tiny Seoul apartment. The faint lights of the city slowly poured through the curtain’s peak, with a bluish tint that mixed well with the warmth in his stomach, brought about by alcohol and by Sang Cheol’s arm on him, around him, caressing him. It felt good, so he got himself lulled away to peaceful slumber, having forgotten the things he had meant to say, out loud.
Morning came with a blur. Sang Cheol had left him something to eat, as usual, and he even timed the clock so that the alarm could ring in time. Jeong Woo somehow slept through it. To his defence, the detective had turned down the sound, after Jeong Woo jolted awake with a pounding headache the last time he was here. But Jeong Woo didn’t really have time to think about all of that, he had to rush to class.
As the fourth period rolled around, his phone lit up with a message.
“Let’s have lunch together! Hyung found a nice place near your school.”
A pang of guilt prickled his neck, Sang Cheol knew that he had skipped breakfast. But Jeong Woo couldn’t say no, the detective had time today, and of course Jeong Woo wanted lunch together, he also wanted much else.
His hyung waited for him near the gate. At last, spring came with light pink clouds blooming atop the cherry trees, raining on Sang Cheol’s black leather jacket with fallen petals. It was almost comical, how the gods mocked Jeong Woo and his unrequited love. Sang Cheol was smiling at him with twinkling eyes, his hands in his pockets, standing tall and strong as ever, and Jeong Woo could almost see sparkles fly around him like in those mushy TV dramas. It made him sick, he wanted to take a seat, or flee from the scene.
A few steps behind him, his classmates were giggling to each other. They had been shy at the beginning of the school year, not knowing how to address a first-year student who was significantly older than them. Sang Cheol was the one to bring snacks and drinks to their study sessions, acting like a well-meaning older brother. “Please take care of our Jeong Woo,” he had said, while handing out the goods and answering his classmates with easy smiles and jokes. He was so effortless, while Jeong Woo could only sit with his awkward half-smile, chiding himself for being such an anxious recluse that his hyung had to step in.
“Jeong Woo? Jeong Woo yah.” A light hand patted his shoulder, and Jeong Woo snapped out of his trance. Shit!... The twinkling eyes were closer now, and somehow the petals seemed pinker on Sang Cheol’s hair and jacket. He reached to pick them out. It was extremely unfair that Sang Cheol could smile even brighter at that.
“What were you thinking, hm?” he asked in an almost coddling tone. “Nothing…?” Jeong Woo managed to huff out. The air felt still and sickly sweet, maybe his friends had gone somewhere else already, but he was still planted there.
Sang Cheol bit back his laugh, but Jeong Woo could see clear hints of it in his eyes. “You’re a cherry tree as well, our Jeong Woo. And your blush is like pretty blossoms.” Jeong Woo could only shiver at that.
“Are you cold?” his hyung asked, while taking off his jacket to put on Jeong Woo’s shoulders. Jeong Woo could only mutter in thanks and put it on, as they walked along the sidewalk leading to the small restaurant.
“You are getting along with your friends?” after a while, Sang Cheol asked again.
“Yeah, we had self-study in the fifth period. Lately I have been going out for lunch with them as well. Sa Rang said we should invite you next time, for the snacks, y’know,” Jeong Woo answered matter-of-factly.
“It’s okay. It’s only my job. I’m glad that you’re doing well at school,” then a short pause. “You seem to be quite close with Sa Rang.”
Jeong Woo had wanted to huff at that, to argue. It’s not your job. You are not really my brother. I don’t want you to be my brother. I don’t want you to ask about Sa Rang, we are close because she sussed out I have a crush on you and she thinks we are this close to dating. She was the one giggling, with Ah Yeon, and it’s annoying but somewhat flattering because there are some people who would want us to be together, other than Ha Seol… He stopped himself before it could come out. “Sa Rang is just a friend, hyung. She knows places where we can eat cheap and became the leader of the lunch group.” Jeong Woo didn’t know why he was explaining, it’s not like Sang Cheol would really worry about Sa Rang in that sense anyway.
They reached the restaurant just in time before Sang Cheol could answer. The food was nice, served hot in stone pots. Sang Cheol made easy conversation and ignored it when Jeong Woo blinked at his twinkly eyes, he mussed Jeong Woo’s hair lightly and remarked upon how med-school had turned him into a distracted, sleep deprived student.
Jeong Woo had meant to apologise for being distracted, but Sang Cheol sounded proud, if not a bit worried. So Jeong Woo just smiled and gave his hyung some reassuring words about sleeping better the night before, then he dug into his food. After the meal, they would have to wait until weekend to meet, but for now, he could savour the moment.
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Sang Cheol was not at home. It was not unusual for the man to go home late, so Jeong Woo opened the door to the apartment with his spare key.
He could see that Sang Cheol had cleaned, albeit hastily. The one-bedroom apartment didn’t feel cramped. It was the 4th floor, and thankfully, the view overlooking the neighbourhood park was not blocked. Jeong Woo finished Sang Cheol’s cleaning, he opened the windows and balcony doors to let fresh air in, and did the laundry. Then, he slipped out of his trousers and into one of Sang Cheol’s old sweatpants, and stole the soccer club sweater conveniently laid on the bed. As he walked out into the kitchen, he took a peek at the fridge. Canned sangria, and some other produce. It was then that Sang Cheol came back.
“Snooping around, aren’t you?” his smile was teasing. “Just go watch some TV, hyung will cook up something for you.”
Jeong Woo complained a bit, like he always did, but he went to the living room anyway. He turned on the TV, just to have some sound around while he sat and watched Sang Cheol cook. That was their routine. He felt just a hint of guilt lately, not much as before, after Sang Cheol had made it clear time and time again that he loved cooking for him and he didn’t mind having an audience.
“I should help. You worked hard all week,” Jeong Woo had offered, after the first few times he stayed the night.
“You studied hard all week as well, and I know you really don’t want to cook. You can hang the clothes while I do it,” Sang Cheol had replied with an endearing smile. He always knew how to solve things.
Jeong Woo had thought that it was too intimate of a thing to offer, doing his laundry, sorting the darks from the whites, hanging the clothes, and folding them to put away. Maybe it was just him and his post-prison brain, trying to settle into a post-prison state where he didn’t have to be wary of hidden limitations and boundaries. Sang Cheol was not that territorial to begin with. As far as Jeong Woo knew, he could steal stuff. The soccer club sweater was free game. And he could slip into a selection of comfy trousers and shirts of his choosing, because it’s just inconvenient to keep clothes in your bag all day to bring to your hyung’s house after your Saturday study group. Jeong Woo could’ve brought his own clothes to put in Sang Cheol’s wardrobe, of course, it’s not like there wasn’t any room. But that would erase his excuse to use hyung’s stuff, so he just kept a pouch to bring his undies instead.
Sang Cheol had always been forgiving, and Jeong Woo kept trying for the limit, having chosen even the fabric softener to use. It was jasmine, the faint sweet smell found him, easing his anxious thoughts.
The washing machine beeped to show it finished its cycle, so Jeong Woo stood up to do his job. He plucked up a shirt from the drum. It was a moonlit night, the small lone jasmine plant stood to his right, having been watered earlier that afternoon. Sang Cheol bought the plant after Jeong Woo bought the fabric softener. His heart warmed at the reminder. He hung up another shirt, then a pair of trousers, then another shirt with faded colour. He brought the shirt closer to take in the smell. It was not weird to do so, he had told Sang Cheol that jasmine was his favourite smell, and it was a half-lie at worst. Besides, it was not like he just put his face all over the shirt to smell like a creep. Yet, he found himself glancing at Sang Cheol, where he stood in the kitchen, with his focus fully on his steak and pasta, and vegetables on the side. Their days of ramyeon and take-outs were over, as Sang Cheol started prioritising balanced meals.
“Aunty would not let me feed you if it’s always junk.” His hyung had said, over their first meal together here.
Jeong Woo had had a panic attack that evening. He was seeing a therapist, who suggested he could try drinking just a bit, if he’d like, to fix his relationship with alcohol. Well, she did not exactly put all of it that way, at least not to Jeong Woo’s muddied recollection. He was often distracted during appointments with Dr. Kim. She kind of gave him the impression that she wouldn’t mind him zoning out.
So that night, after Sang Cheol took some swigs of his beer can, Jeong Woo reached out. “May I have some too?” He had asked, and Sang Cheol gave him the can without much hesitation. The beer burned, like it was not supposed to. It burned worse than Choi Na Kyeom’s sparkling wine, but he felt like collapsing either way. The beer can dropped and spilled everywhere. Sang Cheol’s hands grasped him tight, and he felt like an animal being branded, both of his shoulders scalded with hot iron. Heat crawled deep into his scars as it turned into icy cold water, pounding down his head and running through his spine like torrential rain. His face was wet. He was crying, he realised. Sang Cheol clutched him tight, despite the beer, sticky and sour. They were there for god knew how long.
Afterwards, Sang Cheol had eased him down enough for them to go to the bathroom to wash up. He had helped him out of his clothes even, embarrassingly enough. And after cleaning the floor, his hyung had laid down a mattress, and hugged him as they settled into the night. He could not recall much else, but Sang Cheol’s arms had been warm on him, a very pleasant sort of warm, so he burrowed further into the hug, leaving Byeong Moo, Min Soo, and Na Kyeom, and Deok Mi, and the rest… out of his dreams.
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“Jeong Woo yah, let’s eat!” His hyung called.
“Coming!” Jeong Woo replied, hanging up the last of the laundry before going to the fridge to take out the cans of drinks. “The steak looks good, hyung. Must be expensive, too.” He settled onto the floor cushion.
“I just got my salary. Eat up!” The detective urged, popping open a can on the table.
They ate without hurry, and after Sang Cheol took a few gulps of the drink, Jeong Woo accepted the can from his hand to have some sips as well.
“I could buy bottled sangria, y’know, for a cocktail, or we can pick up a nice Spanish red and hyung will make the real thing for you.” Sang Cheol suggested.
“The canned stuff is fine, hyung. And you know I can’t drink much. It’s better to share a can than waste fine wine on me.” Jeong Woo replied, and Sang Cheol’s lips twisted, just a tiny bit. Then his face quickly eased up. “It’s not a waste, I can bring a bottle to your place for the next gathering. Soo Oh had some fruit punch last time, so maybe he can try a bit as well.” His smile was so beautiful, even in the not-so-great lighting of the living room. Spring’s wind brought in more scent of jasmine, and Jeong Woo felt a blush creeping up his cheek. He smiled back and muttered in agreement, before lowering his head to attack his plate.
It was a really nice evening indeed. Jeong Woo managed to drink more and more, the memory of his first try didn’t sting so bad anymore. The sangria was sweet and bubbly. They had tried a bunch of different drinks, but this was by far the best.
After that damned first time, Sang Cheol never offered Jeong Woo alcohol, and never served it to himself in their meals. But then Jeong Woo went through his fridge. There were a few beers and a few cans of Strongbow. He hesitated. Still, he picked up one of the ciders. Sang Cheol didn’t say anything, he never did. He also didn’t bother to open the can up to drink, so Jeong Woo said in suggestion, “Hyung, you can drink in our meals. I wouldn’t mind.”
His hyung often drank in their leisure time. Nonetheless, Jeong Woo knew that he was pushing, for what, he did not know. Sang Cheol took the drink regardless. He pulled the tab and helped himself to it, then settled the can on the table. He did not look at Jeong Woo funny, just ate his meal like nothing ever happened.
After a few bites, Jeong Woo also took the can up to drink. For some reason the cider was much better than the beer, even though Jeong Woo did not enjoy the bitter taste. He took only one sip. Sang Cheol was looking at him then, but the man’s face was blank of a reaction. He promptly tore his gaze towards his meal and ate. They talked while enjoying their food. After a moment, he put his hand up to rub at Jeong Woo’s back, ever so gently. It felt like encouragement, so Jeong Woo drank some more. Maybe it was all just in Jeong Woo’s mind, he had wanted a challenge for himself. His palms were already wet with sweat after the sip. That night he had a nightmare, but Sang Cheol hugged him and rubbed him all over, so he huddled himself up and dozed off.
They drank together every meal after that. It had turned into some sort of ritual. Jeong Woo would make himself comfortable in Sang Cheol’s clothes. His hyung would make them food, breakfast, lunch and dinner, if they had time. Despite the detective’s irregular work hours and Jeong Woo’s school work, they would always be together on the weekends, cleaning, doing the laundry, watering their plant. Then when evening came, Jeong Woo would pull a can out of the fridge. It was always a can, after that one time when Sang Cheol bought the fancy Peach Bellini. Jeong Woo didn’t even realise that he was pouting a bit, when his hyung poured the pink drink into two different flute glasses.
“It’s just cocktail in a bottle, Jeong Woo ah. Really nothing fancy. It’s okay if you don’t want to drink.” Sang Cheol had said. “This is not a typical winter drink, anyway.” He added, giving Jeong Woo a reason to back down, like Jeong Woo would know what’s a winter drink and what’s not.
“I can drink, hyung, but not much. It will all just go to waste in a few days.” It was a half-lie, the first of some. He definitely preferred to drink from cans.
“Your hyung can afford it. Our Jeong Woo is worried about me, huh?” Sang Cheol teased. “Look at you pouting, it’s so cute! I will go for something canned next time, okay?” Jeong Woo’s cheek was pinched softly, yet he felt like he was about to implode. It was utterly mortifying. The cheek-pinching was not bad, but it was the result of him sulking like a child. Goh Jeong Woo, the 31-year-old manchild medical student. He wanted to vaporise on the spot. His hyung just smiled and sipped his cocktail.
Jeong Woo never found anything but cans in the fridge after the fact. So he drank leisurely, and enjoyed his time. This time, he might have enjoyed it a bit too much.
The can was empty after a while. They both took sips from it, and Sang Cheol always had more than him. But Jeong Woo was tipsy now, his face warmed up, and he found himself smiling for no particular reason. The food was all finished, so Sang Cheol stood to clear up the table. Jeong Woo rose as well, then found himself dizzy enough to sit back down.
“You okay?”
“I’m fine, hyung. I can have a bit more.” He replied as he reached for a new can. Sang Cheol hesitated a bit, then put the can down on the table. He finished with the table then went to wash the dishes.
“Wait for me a bit, okay?” He asked. He knew the answer already. Jeong Woo never opened the cans first, it was their routine, after all. So Jeong Woo hugged his knees and watched his TV, at least for a while, before he was distracted by Sang Cheol’s waist. The man was broad-shouldered and tall, but he seemed leaner without his jacket. His cinched waist helped his pert butt stand out more. Jeong Woo had a thought to pull up his shirt, just a bit, to feel his abs.
“Care for some dessert?” Sang Cheol asked from the kitchen.
Jeong Woo swallowed. He turned back to his screen. This is so not good. People were laughing on some sort of variety show. He had to reply now. “Anything’s good, hyung. You are thorough this evening.”
“What’s a balanced meal without something sweet on the side?” Sang Cheol pulled out some popsicles from the fridge. “Melona?”
“Strawberry screw for me.” Jeong Woo answered, taking the cold package. “So healthy and balanced hyung, the weather’s just warming up a bit…”
“...and here we are, with our chilled drinks and frozen desserts.” His hyung finished as he sat down, reaching his arm behind Jeong Woo’s back to rest it on the seat cushion of the couch. He seemed comfortable enough. Jeong Woo would be more comfortable, though, if the arm was at the small of his back.
Brushing the thought aside, he replied, “Cheers to that!” He held up his popsicle like a fine glass of wine, and Sang Cheol clinked it. “Cheers to us!”
They munched on their snacks, then drank some more. Jeong Woo heated up again, he’s a lightweight after all, having been fully sober for ten years straight. He allowed himself to lean back more and more. Sang Cheol’s arm caught him and stroked his back. It was all going according to plan, a spontaneous plan that Jeong Woo came up with just now. He took a few more sips. The sangria didn’t feel like much anymore. He leaned onto Sang Cheol’s shoulder and scurried closer, so that his hyung could hug him tighter.
“Hyung…” He could hear the whining in his voice. You can’t stop now. Let the alcohol talk.
“What is it? Are you sleepy now? Hyung will get the mattress.” His hyung said. He is so attentive, so kind.
“No, I want you to stay here. Can you turn off the TV? It’s loud.”
“It’s turned off now. Does your head hurt? You should lie down, Jeong Woo ah.” Sang Cheol turned to check on him, his hand holding his face up.
“No, I want to stay here.” Jeong Woo nuzzled further into the crook of his hyung’s neck, partly to hide the wince on his face. He couldn’t help but cringe at his own antics. He had not drunk enough to be this childish, but it’s best to take advantage of the situation. It’s high time.
“I like you a lot, hyung.” He whispered. It was more than he could manage. Sang Cheol froze for a second, and Jeong Woo felt like his own body was trembling.
Sang Cheol sat up straighter, relaxed his grasp then continued his massage of Jeong Woo’s back. “I like you too.” He was whispering as well.
Jeong Woo pulled out of the hug a bit, he wanted to look at his hyung’s eyes. They were like stars on the sculpted face. Jeong Woo’s stomach was sinking fast, he felt himself spiralling. He was about to lose something dearly precious. It’s now or never. There was not enough alcohol in his system for this. He somehow pulled himself out of his addled psyche.
“I love you, hyung. I… I want to kiss you.” That last part was necessary. Damn it. They had exchanged I love yous before. Sang Cheol had even blushed. But he had also brushed it off so effortlessly, with his casual tone and his teasing smile. Jeong Woo hated it, so he wanted to make it clear this time. He had only the one chance.
Sang Cheol froze in place for real this time. It was a part of the plan as well. “Hyung, you're blushing like a cherry tree.” Jeong Woo let out a small, genuine laugh. He stood to hug his hyung. “I’m gonna leave now. The meal was great, hyung.”
“Wait!” Sang Cheol scrambled to his feet. It was not a successful attempt, as he tripped on the floor cushion and fell to the sofa.
“Don’t leave!” Sang Cheol sounded desperate. He was almost on his knee, his arm on the sofa carrying much of his weight. “You haven’t got an answer, don’t leave.” He was pleading.
So Jeong Woo stood there, in the narrow space between the low table and the sofa. He felt like a tree now, hoping, hoping…
“I love you too!” Sang Cheol managed, after settling down on one knee.
We must look so silly, Jeong Woo thought. “Are-are you proposing to me?” He stuttered through his joke. His face must be very red now, hot and wet with tears.
“No, every proper proposal must have a ring.” The man at his feet threw a joke back, his voice a bit choked. He stumbled to stand and cupped Jeong Woo’s face.
“Hey, don’t cry. This is the best day of my life. Don’t cry, okay?” Sang Cheol cooed.
“We wasted so much time…” Jeong Woo sniffed, he wasn’t thinking straight anymore.
“It’s the right time, Jeong Woo ah. Spring is here. Hyung will take you out for a picnic to see the spring blossoms. And we can have as much summer wine as we like…” Maybe Sang Cheol was not thinking straight as well. Jeong Woo could only laugh through his tears at that. “Will you kiss me now?”
Gentle lips found him. He thought Sang Cheol would be quicker, that they would slam into their kiss. His lips were hot and pleading, so Jeong Woo opened his mouth to receive, he could taste it all. Sweet melona and sangria, clouding his judgement, fogging up his brain. Somewhere, hints of jasmine came, maybe from the back of Sang Cheol’s neck. It was too much, yet too little at the same time.
His hands found the hem of the taller man’s shirt. He couldn’t wait to pull it up. Sang Cheol helped him get the thing off. They slammed down to the sofa, Jeong Woo hadn’t found enough strength to tackle someone down likte that in a while.
“Wait, Jeong Woo ah. You’re drunk.” Jeong Woo’s hands were stopped, right at the waistband of his hyung’s pants. He didn’t swallow his whine this time.
“I was playing it up, hyung. I used my liquid courage. It was… it was planned.” His voice got smaller the more he spoke.
“It’s that pout again.” His hyung laughed. “You know, sometimes you pout when you’re scheming something. You act cute to get your way.” He received a light slap on his pec for that. The sound was utterly delicious.
“You knew!” Jeong Woo couldn’t believe he could deepen into his pout, and flush even redder.
“I was blind guessing. I couldn’t possibly know I would be correct… Jeong Woo ah, could you please move a bit?” He sounded strained. Jeong Woo felt his hyung’s manhood going hard, so instead of moving away, he ground down. That drew a small moan and a choke.
“You’re gonna regret it!” He moved his hips again, achieving a continuous rhythm before strong hands found his waist.
Sang Cheol pulled him down for long kisses, grinding up to meet Jeong Woo’s ass. It drew a moan as well, Jeong Woo whimpered as he fell into those arms. He tried to sit up and pulled his shirt off, throwing it to the ground. They were in a fight, each person trying to test the other for reaction, to draw out moans and mewls, to take off clothes and pull each other back into kisses, hugs and touches.
In the distance, Jeong Woo could see the faint city lights. The night’s cold wind brushed past his body, planting goosebumps on his skin, like light pink petals raining down his spine. He could see their shadows, tangling together under the moonlight, a primal dance. He blushed at that, and succumbed deeper, into their floral, iridescent night.