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And now my friends you’ve asked me what makes me sad and still,
And why my brow is darkened like the clouds upon the hill.
Run in your ponies closer and I’ll tell to you my tale,
of Utah Carol, my partner, and his last ride on the trail.
Looking at the farmhouse before him, Eddie can’t help but think of that first night he laid eyes on it. It’s a big ranch, one of the biggest he’s seen ‘round these parts, but it’s by no means imposing. Even that first night, Eddie remembers thinking how welcoming it seemed. Its warm glow in the dusk of the evening promises a hot meal and plenty of love to spare.
The rest of the ranch sprawls out behind the farmhouse; Eddie can just see the weathered corner of the barn, and a rolling field spotted with cattle unfolding out behind it. The land itself is breathtaking, too– they chose a real good spot to build on, an oasis in the arid desert they’re in, with a creek winding its way through the land and outcroppings of trees guarding it.
He had been so anxious that night, nearly to the point of nausea, wanting nothing but to find a safe place he and Chris could stay for even just a week but knowing to expect the worst. After all, they had ridden onto a stranger’s private land, uninvited and with no notice. But the worst was… not what received them. Instead, it was the 118 in all their kindness, hearts wide open for two strange travelers.
It was in what some may describe as a fit of madness that Eddie had taken Chris in the middle of the night and rode far, far away from El Paso. In search of a new life for the two of them. He couldn’t have been more lucky.
Well, it wasn’t all luck. He had Maddie to thank for directing the two of them to the 118 ranch. She certainly must have believed he was some madman, dirty and exhausted as he was, but she had taken pity on Chris. Riding has never been easy for him and his legs and bottom get sore, but he was a stalwart about it (as always). Either way, though, the many days of riding since their last spot had been catching up to the both of them and a seven-year-old can only withstand so much.
Maddie truly was a godsend in that first meeting– the 118 was exactly what they needed. The boss, Bobby, had offered them a place and food for a few nights in return for a few hours of work if he wanted, and Eddie was more than willing to agree. But it had been quite clear even after two nights that they were going to stick around for a lot longer than just a few days.
The 118 was one ranch of many in south California (although, again, quite large with tens of thousands of acres and hundreds of cattle), but its crew couldn’t be beat. The 118, in full, is made up of a few individual families meshed all into one big family. Athena, the boss’s wife, and one of the cowboys, Hen, had been the ones to start the 118 ranch. Hen had her wife and their kid and Athena had her then-husband and their kids (and he’ll always be grateful that Chris is growing up side-by-side with these kids). Chimney and his brother joined shortly after it began, and then Bobby, who eventually married Athena. Eddie’s still not exactly sure how Bobby came to be boss, but he can’t imagine it being anyone else.
And then there’s Buck.
If Eddie’s being honest, it was Buck more than anyone that made the 118 family into Eddie’s family. And he hated him at first. Well– just those first few days.
Buck had somehow got it in his head that Eddie was going to replace him. The rest of the 118 tried to explain to Eddie at the time something about an Abby who used to be with them, but he didn’t really care (he certainly does now, fuckin’ Abby) . Eddie just remembers being terribly endeared.
But, and don’t ask him how , Eddie was blamed for being the one to reunite Buck and Maddie– apparently Buck’s missing sister. All had been forgiven after that. Much more than forgiven, in fact. He became lucky enough to call Buck his partner .
(Not that they weren’t careening towards that anyway. Buck had been quite visibly failing in his attempts to get rid of Eddie. Blame Chris. They, at least, were obsessed with each other from day one).
“You comin’?”
Eddie breaks his gaze away from the 118 ranch and turns his horse, and his head, towards his partner.
We rode the range together and rode it side by side
I loved him like a brother, and I wept when Utah died
Buck looks real excited. Eddie can’t blame him– he is too. They’ve both agreed, tentatively, to let Chris ride with them this morning.
Chris has, of course, ridden the horses before. Even without counting the month here from El Paso, Chris wants to ride the horses all the time. But it’s hard with his condition. When they first got here, Chris could barely move on his own for weeks after such harsh riding for so long. It’s why, more than three years later, they’re still pretty cautious when they let Chris ride and they certainly haven’t let him come along for a whole morning of work. But Chris has been begging for it for years. Buck, too.
Eddie would be pretty sure that there was nothing Buck loved more than riding out on the range, if not for Chris. So basically, riding on the range with Chris would be nothing short of heaven for Buck.
Eddie and Buck grin at each other for a moment more before Buck turns his horse and looks at Chris, “You comfortable still?”
“ Yes, Buck,” Chris rolls his eyes, shifting on the saddle that’s placed upon a bright red robe Buck set for him to make the saddle ride a bit easier, “We haven’t even started yet!”
Underneath the saddle that the boss's daughter rode
Utah that very morning had placed a bright red robe
So the saddle might ride easy for Lenore his little friend
And it was this red blanket that brought him to his end
Chris’s annoyance quickly bleeds into excitement as Buck gives him a wink and a smile, “Then let’s go, cowboy!”
—
It may be the most unproductive morning they’ve had, ever , but it’s also probably the most fun he’s had out on the range. And that’s saying something because he works with Buck nearly every day. Chris is obviously delighted, and there’s rarely a movement without laughter. Despite the lack of any work actually being done, Chris has quickly become an adept rider, expertly herding the cattle down the range. They’ve nearly brought all the herd to the right feeding spot for the day.
We were rounding up one morning when work was almost done
Once they finish up here, they’ll take Chris back to the ranch before heading back out to a northwestern section of the fence that continues to need some repair work (it’s been about two weeks and they're still not quite done). But Bobby’s been planning on making lasagna tonight which means Karen is making her lemonade which is delicious in its own right and even better spiked. It’s a great way to end a great day.
He’s torn away from his idle daydreaming by some worrying noises. He hears a snort, then a few more. And then there is the tell-tale sound of hooves scraping the ground. Then, worst of all, a stomp .
Eddie draws his horse up short and he sees Buck do the same. He shoots a nervous look at him. You ride on the range long enough and you’ll know what an aggressive cow sounds like. And you’ll hope never to hear those sounds from an entire herd.
When on his side the cattle started on a frightened run
Eddie tugs his horse’s lead to steer her over to Chris when he notices it. That bright red robe, previously underneath Chris’s saddle, has come undone. It limply trails behind Chris’s horse, still loosely attached to the back of the saddle, grazing the ground.
The blanket was now dragging behind her on the ground
Shit. That is–
Not good.
He turns to look back at the herd and, sure enough, the cattle nearest to them are intently focused on the blanket. He sees some pinned-back ears and some tail flicking that ignite his nerves further. Eddie doesn’t know how much truth there is to the idea that red excites cattle, but looking at the obvious aggression from the herd, Eddie certainly believes it at this moment.
He looks back again at Buck and sees an equal panic reflected in his partner's face before a great thundering noise floods his senses. The cattle, still a few thousand feet away but nowhere far enough to be a safe distance, begin a gallop. Right at them. Towards the red blanket.
The frightened cattle saw it and charged it with a bound
At the roar of the herd, Chris turns back to look towards it, tugging his horse slightly. A fear that Eddie never wants to see etched across his son’s face makes an appearance.
Lenore then saw her danger and turned her pony's face
Chris is still for a beat, before more desperately tugging at his reins, turning his own body around on the horse as well. Eddie lets out a strangled “Wait!” as Chris begins to lean down behind him, tugging at the blanket. He drags it up over the horse’s backside, up off the ground, and begins to tether it back to the saddle.
And leaning in the saddle tied the blanket to its place
Either the saddle was already loosened by the blanket falling, or Chris overestimated the strength of the saddle because, in less time than Eddie can even process, Chris falls from his horse and onto the ground, still holding tightly to the blanket. He can hear the herd rumble closer.
But in leaning lost her balance, fell in front of that wild tide
Eddie goes stock-still. He can’t –
“Lay still Chris, I’m coming!” Buck cries off to his right.
"Lay still Lenore I'm coming" were the words that Utah cried
Buck tugs his own horse towards Chris, frantic.
His faithful pony saw her and reached her with a bound
Buck was much closer to Chris than either Eddie or the herd. Eddie blinks and Buck is there at Chris’s side, leaning down from his saddle, grabbing Chris from the ground, raising him up.
I thought he'd been successful, and raised her from the ground
But sooner than Buck can lift Chris up into his own saddle, Eddie hears a snap! And in a tumble Eddie can barely parse out, Buck and Chris end up on the ground.
But the weight upon the saddle had not been felt before
His backcinch snapped like thunder and he fell by Lenore
It’s enough of a shock to break Eddie out of his panic. He tugs his horse over to them, but he’s not even sure he’ll get there in time. Before the herd.
From the ground, he watches as Buck tugs the blanket completely free from the saddle, lifting it above him.
Picking up the blanket he swung it over his head
He shakes the blanket in a taunt. Buck touches Chris lightly on the cheek and Eddie hears as he begs “Lay still, Chris,” before jumping up and darting to the west, away from either of them.
And started cross the prairie, "Lay still Lenore" he said
Almost imperceptibly, the herd slowly curves in Buck’s direction as he gets further and further west.
When he got the stampede turned and saved Lenore his friend
Eddie’s horse finally reaches where Chris is. He jumps down to him but is unable to turn his gaze away from Buck, who has now stopped.
Buck lowers the blanket, still facing the herd front on. He can faintly hear Chris screaming out to Buck.
Buck fumbles for his revolver at his side. He never uses his gun, really, but Eddie blindly hopes Buck will somehow be able to shoot the whole herd down.
Then turned to face the cattle and meet his fatal end.
His six gun flashed like lightning, the report rang loud and clear
Eddie can only stare as his partner– his best friend– is overtaken by the herd in a flash of red.
As the cattle rushed and killed him he dropped the leading steer
The herd doesn’t stop. Of course it doesn’t, but Eddie suddenly finds his voice and all he can yell is “Stop!”
His body feels entirely numb. Aside from his arms, which shake violently.
But, no, it’s Chris who’s shaking, actually. Eddie at one point wrapped him up in his arms and now Chris is desperately trying to get out. Trying to get to Buck.
The herd is plenty far away now, and Buck is–
Eddie feels his arms fall limp, Chris dashing out, tripping in his fervor. Buck is–
With the herd long gone, he can see the body. Eddie chokes on nothing.
Buck is–
—
Suddenly, as if no time has passed, they’re at the funeral. Buck’s funeral.
They’re all gathered just behind the barn, near the creek. Eddie isn’t even pretending to be interested. Everyone else is gathered up in a circle surrounding that damn red blanket that’s currently covering–
His partner. Buck. Who he’s pretty sure was the love of his life, actually.
Eddie’s leaning against the barn, eyes closed. He doesn’t even want to be here but Chris made him. Chris, who is with everyone else, holding little Jee’s hand, face entirely blank. It makes him think of Shannon’s funeral.
Bobby is giving a eulogy. His voice is all blubbery and he keeps pausing for long moments.
It’s just not fucking fair . Eddie had only just figured himself out and Buck had only just broken up with Tommy and Eddie had only just begun to hope. Hope that it was all about to come together. That they could finally be the family they’ve been pretending at for so long.
Eddie hears Bobby finishing up, “I hope we’ll all meet Buck at the roundup far away.”
On his funeral morning I heard the preacher say
"I hope we'll all meet Utah at the roundup far away"
Eddie focuses his gaze back on that red blanket. If not for that goddamn red blanket.
Then they wrapped him in a blanket that saved his little friend
And it was this red blanket that brought him to his end
His chest begins to tighten. And then he can’t breathe. He keeps trying to take big gasps, but it feels as if the air simply isn’t going into his lungs. His vision starts to darken around the edges. And maybe–
Maybe this is okay. Buck’s dead anyways.
—
Eddie wakes up with a gasp.
Jesus Christ.
Eddie looks around. He’s in his room. In LA. In 2024. He takes another deep breath.
So not in the Wild West, then.
He lays there, just looking up at his ceiling, breathing heavily. Trying to calm himself down.
He is never listening to Marty Robbins before bed again.
Jesus . He hasn’t had a nightmare that vivid, ever. Eddie brings his hand up to his chest like it will calm the frantic beat of his heart. He still feels really fucking off-kilter.
He can’t help but let out a sob. Buck is not dead, not in real life, but it still kind of feels like he is.
Eddie reaches for his phone for a moment before dropping his hand. Calling Buck won’t do either of them any good. He doesn’t want to worry him about a problem that is quite literally not real. And on top of that, he just broke up with his boyfriend yesterday and seemed pretty wrecked about it when he was talking with Eddie.
Eddie drags his hand down his face, letting out a sigh. He needs to get a hold of himself. Maybe he can go watch a show for a bit. Distract himself.
Not a Western, though.
But just as he’s throwing the blankets off, his phone begins to ring. Hoping against all that it’s Buck, he grabs it. But it’s Chris. Who has yet to call Eddie of his own volition. Until now, that is.
He can’t help but grin as he answers and lifts his phone to his ear, “Chris! Hey, buddy.”
There’s only heavy breathing on the other end for a second, and Eddie frowns, finally registering the late hour, before Chris sobs, “ Dad.”
“Chris,” Eddie sucks in a panicked breath, “what’s wrong? Are you okay? You hurt?”
“Buck isn’t answering,” Chris cries, “He’s dead. He’s dead.”
Eddie goes cold, “What? What– what happened? You’re with Buck?”
“I– I had a dream, and Buck died. It was– it was so real. He– I saw his face and it was crushed and his body was, too, and it didn’t even look like him and now he won’t answer his phone, because– because,” Chris’s frantic explanation dwindles into heaving sobs.
The phone nearly drops from Eddie’s hand. It’s not–
It can’t be–
“What did you dream about?” Eddie demands.
Chris takes a few breathes, “We– we were– we were cowboys and there were was a herd and–”
There’s a deafening ringing sound that tunes the rest of Chris out. What the fuck is happening? It wasn’t real. It can’t have been. It can’t be.
Eddie has to compose himself. He needs to go over to Buck’s, now. To make sure he’s okay. Alive, mostly. And he needs to make sure Chris is okay, “I’ll– it’s okay, Chris. It was just a dream, okay? Just a dream. I’ll go check on him. Right now.”
“ Please,” there’s a moment longer of heavy breathing before a quiet, “I love you.”
“I love you too, Chris. So much. Buck, too. And he’s okay, I promise.”
Eddie goddamn hopes so. But they–
Why the fuck did they have the same dream?
—
Eddie slams Buck’s apartment door open, then winces at the subsequent bang. No need to wake him up in a panic, even if both Eddie and Chris were.
“Buck! You here?”
The loft is dark, and he can’t really hear anything. Of course, it’s closer to dawn than it is to dusk, so that’s normal. Just unsettling.
Eddie jogs up the stairs to Buck’s bed, “Buck! C’mon, man, wake up. Me and Chris are in a bit of a tizzy.”
The bed’s empty. Why is the bed empty?
Eddie’s chest begins to tighten again. Then, again, he can’t breathe. He barely registers it, but he falls to the floor. Fuck. Buck is dead, isn’t he? He’s dead. He’s dead.
It’s not logical, Eddie knows, but what the fuck else could this be? Both he and Chris had the same dream. It’s some fucked up message sent by the universe, surely. And Eddie still can’t breathe.
The last time he felt like this, he had thought he was dying and it was fine because it was just a panic attack. This time, he kind of thinks he’s just is really, actually dying.
“Um, Eddie?”
Eddie whips his head off the floor, looking up to Buck. Buck.
Buck, who is pulling an EarPod from his ear and looking down at Eddie on the floor of his bedroom, both confused and worried, “You– you good, man?”
“ Buck,” Eddie gasps, “You’re alive?”
“Uh, yeah,” Buck just shrugs, the fucker , “I think so?”
Eddie closes his eyes against the wetness, “You think so?”
“Yeah. Sorry, had a bit of an intense dream and needed to step out for a second,” he pauses and crouches down next to Eddie, “You sure you’re okay? I just think, personally, you– you just might not be? Uh– you’re just, like, crying? On my floor, in the middle of the night, also.”
Eddie sniffs and sits up, wiping his face, dreadful, “An intense dream? Did it have anything to do with cowboys?”
If Buck had it too, then Eddie will–
Well, he doesn’t know what he’ll do, besides probably check them all into a mental hospital.
“Yeah,” Buck frowns, “It was, like, the midwest and we were cowboys. Kind of fun, actually, for most of it. Then I accidentally got myself killed,” he huffs a laugh like it’s funny, “ was super vivid too. Couldn’t make sense of what was real for a while after I woke up.”
Buck looks down at his hand and turns it over like he still is not quite sure what’s real. Eddie grabs it for himself, “Yeah, well. Turns out your dreams are contagious. Gave it to Chris and me, too.”
“Oh,” Buck stares at their hands for a second, then at Eddie, tear-streaked face and all, “ Oh . This makes more sense now.”
“Oh, it makes sense now,” Eddie replies dryly, “fucker. What about this makes sense to you?”
“Well, what I mean , Eddie, is that it’s not every night that I find you collapsed next to my bed, on the floor. So, yeah, makes sense. Well, actually,” Buck’s eyes light up, then, “now that I’m thinking about it, it’s like, super cool. I mean, you, me, and Chris all had the same dream? It’s just– fuck, we might be all, like, brain-connected.”
Brain-connected. God, Eddie is very fond of this man. He scoots in a little closer to Buck to lean on him. Sue him. He’s been through a crisis.
Kind of.
Buck takes the opportunity to wrap his arms around Eddie, which has Eddie hiccuping out another small sob. He’s so, so grateful Buck isn’t actually dead. They sit in silence, with Buck moving his hand on Eddie’s back in a soft, comforting motion.
And– okay, Eddie really doesn’t believe in any universe power or God or anything, but–
It just feels really fucking targeted. And Eddie just figured out he was gay and Buck is newly single (very newly) and he’s just hugging him right now and it’s so comfortable, even though they’re on the floor. So maybe it’s a sign. That there’s really something here. Like they really could be brain-connected. And Eddie knows he’s a mess and Buck is probably still pretty upset over Tommy but they’re–
They’re them. Buck-and-Eddie.
He scoots out of Buck’s embrace, who, surprisingly, lets out a small, sad sound. And that really only urges Eddie on so he grabs Buck by the shoulder and looks into his eyes and opens his mouth and–
Freezes.
Shit, he can’t do this. He can’t lose Buck, not now.
So they’re just left staring into each other’s eyes for a second. And, really, Eddie didn’t move much so they’re still quite close. Close enough that Eddie can feel Buck’s breath on his face. It would be really easy to lean in and just kiss him and isn’t that just devastating? Because he just loves him so –
“I’m in love with you,” bursts from Buck. From Buck.
Eddie leans away. Because he’s stupid.
But also, what ?
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” Buck whines, “I just can’t hold it in anymore. And I just figured it out, like– shit, like right as Tommy was breaking up with me, basically. And I know you’re straight so it’s like, a definite no-go, but I really am just awful at keeping stuff like this in. So. You don’t have to do anything, Eddie, really. I just wanted you to know–”
Eddie’s kissing him.
It’s a pretty bad kiss, frankly. But it’s also everything .
But also, it’s a really, really bad kiss. Noses squishing, teeth clashing, and Eddie’s a little bit just trying to eat Buck’s lips, on accident. But Buck is desperately grabbing at him, pulling him closer and closer, up on his lap, even. So, really, Eddie can’t help but start to cry.
Buck instantly pulls away, which why? “Are you okay?”
“I love you. I love you, Buck,” Eddie’s voice breaks, “so you can’t die.”
Buck melts, “Oh, Eddie,” gives him another kiss, “I won’t,” he promises solemnly.
Eddie grabs his face and pulls him in again, desperate.
It’s not even a minute more of kissing before Buck’s pulling away again. Which they are going to have a talk about, because it certainly is not allowed.
“Is he okay? Chris?”
“Yes,” Eddie sighs, “Well, no, not really. He was really upset.”
Now it’s Buck who looks really upset.
“We can call him. He’ll want to talk to you.” Eddie goes to grab his phone from the floor, but Buck clutches at his arm, stopping him for a moment.
“Can we go get him?” He looks tentative but continues regardless, “I know you’re giving him space, letting him come to his own decisions, and you’re his dad and everything. But, Eddie, you– you’re his dad. Tell him to talk to you. He can’t just avoid the situation forever. Especially if he’s upset, y’know. And I think, I mean you–,” Buck blushes for a second and whispers, “You love me . And kissed me. So, I just think that the dream maybe meant something? Like– like, we’re meant to get our family back together.”
And he still looks hesitant but Eddie is so full of love for Evan Buckley. Eddie brings one of his hands back up to the side of Buck's face and just holds it for a second, looking.
“Yeah, let’s go get him. Let’s be a family again.”
Buck smiles so, so wide. It’s blinding to look at. He pauses, again, thinking, “We should still call him, now, though.”
—
“Honestly, before just a wimpy few cows got you killed, Buck–”
“Hey!”
“–And we were just cowboys and stuff, it was, y’know, pretty fun I guess. Just being cowboys and– and all living in the same house again, together. The rest of the 118, too, but us, mostly. So, maybe, I– I can come home when you get here?”