Work Text:
“Hey Fox?”
Fox looked up from his literal mountain of unfinished flimsiwork. “Yeah?”
“You ever think it’s weird that the Guard spends half our time guarding corporate property?”
Fox frowned. “Shitty, yes. Weird, no. Why do you ask?”
Thorn gesticulated vaguely. “Well, we can’t own property. How come a company can?”
Fox just shook his head. “You’ve gotten into the moonshine again, vod. I’ve got too much flimsiwork to deal with a drunk commander. Go bother Stone until you’re sober.”
Thorn pouted. “You’re sooo mean to me Fox. So mean. See if I vote for you as best clone.”
“We can’t vote either. Now scram!”
“Why were we trying to guard the Trade Federation’s senate pod from being bombed anyways?”
“That’s our damn job, Thorn! And we just did a very bad job at it, as you can see.”
Thorn looked around at the considerable wreckage. It was quite impressive, even he could admit.
“Yeah but … why does the Federation even get a pod? They’re not a planet. And they’re, like, Separatist and everything.”
Fox just sighed. “You need to stop talking to that Jedi of yours.”
“First of all,” Thorn said primly, “Quinlan’s not my Jedi. He’s just a Jedi who happens to enjoy my company.” He tactfully ignored Fox’s frankly unbecoming comment about just what they did in each other's company. Because he was the mature commander, that was why.
“And second of all, you didn’t answer my question.”
Fox pinched the bridge of his nose. It was an impressive act of exasperation given that he had to remove his helmet to do it.
“Fine. Corporations have legal rights to freedom of speech, which includes governmental representation. Mostly that’s handled at local levels, but so much of the government’s property is actually owned by the Banking Clans or the Trade Federation that they get speaking rights in the senate. Happy?”
“They get speaking rights?? I want speaking rights!”
“We don’t have rights, Thorn. And next time you ask dumb questions I’m taking you off the sweets rota for a month.”
Thorn just pouted, and set about trying to find the source of the explosives.
“Hey Fox?”
“Yes, Thire?” Fox answered, happy to pause his work for what was sure to be an important question from the Guard’s youngest commander.
“Why can’t we sue people?”
Fox shook his head. “You’ve been talking to Thorn, haven’t you.”
“No,” Thire lied.
Fox just gave him a very exhausted glare.
“... well yes. But only a little! And I really do want to know.”
“Fine. You get one dumb question. Ask another, and you won’t be getting any of the sweets Senator Amidala sends us whenever we catch her with General Skywalker. Got it?”
“Sir, yes sir!”
Fox looked at his very enthusiastic younger commander. He looked at his mountain of flimsiwork. He sighed.
“Only people and companies can sue and be sued. We are legally considered to be non-sentient property of the Republic. Not a person, not a company. Therefore, can’t sue. Now please leave my office. I’ve got to get back to forging the Chancellor’s signature a few hundred times, because the man can’t be bothered to do his own flimsiwork.”
“Wait, companies get religious freedoms?”
“Not so loud! If Fox hears us talking he’ll deprive us of Amidala’s bribe-chocolate!”
“If we’re not people then we can’t be bribed,” Thorn said in his best Fox-impression. Which was basically his own voice. They were clones, after all.
Thire snorted. “Regardless, I’ve used up my ‘dumb question’ allowance. I’m not risking it.”
Thorn looked thoughtful. “ You’ve used yours up. And so have I. But you know who hasn’t?”
“Hey Fox?”
Fox looked up, the faint light of hope in his eyes that his remaining commander wanted him for something actually work-related. “Yes, Stone?”
“Why can’t we get religious liberties?”
The hope in Fox’s eyes died a truly tragic death. A poet could have written sonnets about it. Fox slumped to his desk.
“ We don’t have a religion and we don’t have any liberties!” It was very high pitched, for a despairing whisper.
“Right, but what if we could ?” Stone said, impervious to Fox’s plight.
“You’re all plotting against me, aren’t you,” came Fox’s muffled voice from within his ever-present mountain of paperwork.
“You told Thire that only corporations and people had rights,” Stone continued implacably. “So if we’re not people, why not become a corporation?”
Fox opened his mouth to say something truly scathing.
Fox hesitated. He closed his mouth.
Fox opened his mouth again, this time to spit out a scrap of flimsi.
“...Tell me more about this dumb idea of yours,” Fox said slowly. “Purely so I can know how much to mock you for it, of course.”
“Thorn, is the sign really necessary?” Fox asked in a pained voice.
Thorn did not stop taping up his sign. It read ‘First Secret Meeting Of The Plot To Incorporate And Get Us Rights.’
“Every evil lair needs a sign, Fox! This is a secret plot, therefore it needs an evil lair. Therefore, sign.”
“How is this going to work, anyway?” Thire asked, for once the voice of reason. “I mean, we’re property of the Republic. Wouldn’t we need the Senate’s approval to incorporate, just like we’d need their approval to be sentient?”
“Actually, no,” Stone said. “I’ve been doing some research. We’ve got precedent from droids and slaves, back when slavery was still legal. Property can form a corporation with approval from the highest authority that holds its deeds. In this case, that’s the Chancellor.”
“So we’re screwed again,” Thire concluded. “We’ll never get the Chancellor’s approval for this.”
“Do we actually need his approval? ” Fox asked, with a worrying glint in his eye. “Or do we just need his signature?”
“Commander Fox, what is the meaning of this?” asked Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine.
“The meaning of what, sir?” Fox said.
“This corporation being formed by your Guard. I am quite certain I never signed off on this ‘Corrie Clones Inc.’”
“That’s quite strange, sir,” Fox said, completely expressionless, “because the signature on the documents is an exact match for the signatures on several hundred important documents throughout the war. It would throw the Republic into chaos if those were all invalid, sir.”
The Chancellor gave Fox a piercing stare. Fox stared levelly back.
Go ahead, Fox’s gaze challenged. Admit I forged your signature. And I’ll tell the press how many times you’ve already had me do it. You’ll come out looking like either a criminal or an incompetent.
The Chancellor sighed. “An excellent point, Commander. I do sign so many documents, I’m sure this one must have just slipped my mind.”
Thorn’s sign now had better calligraphy, and the words had been updated.
Secret Meeting Of The Plot To Incorporate And Get Us Rights, Part Two:
So We’re Incorporated, What Next?
“Alright,” Thorn said grandly. “So, as our sign says, what next?”
The look in Fox’s eyes was very worrying.
“I think we should get started on those ‘religious freedoms’...”
“Excuse me,” panted an aide, out of breath and irate. “Why are there no members of the Coruscant Guard on duty today?? I’ve had to run all of Senator Mili’s errands all day, and get his coffee. All because I couldn’t find any of you!”
“I’m afraid we’re all quite busy, sir,” Stone said, not looking up from his game of solitaire.
“ Busy?? ” the aide gaped. “What could possibly be keeping the entire Coruscant Guard busy all morning? I haven’t heard about any emergencies!”
“Oh, they’re all praying. Taungsdays are a holy day.”
The aide blinked. “Praying? I didn’t think clones had religion.”
“Oh, we don’t. However, Corrie Clones Inc. has very strongly held religious beliefs. It would violate the corporation’s religious freedoms to allow any labor to be performed on Taungsdays.”
“But- but that’s-”
“If you have an objection, feel free to take it up in court. I’m told our judicial system has some very strong opinions on corporate rights.”
“ Every Taungsday off?” Thire said in shock.
“Why not? Natborns get weekly days off. The Senate Guard and Coruscant Security Force can do their damn jobs one day a week.”
“And it’ll really work?”
“The Trade Federation has been buying Republic judges for decades. If they rule against us , an innocent corporation, they’ll be ruling against those lovely not-bribes they get.”
“Annnd remind me why they aren’t bribes again?”
“Corporate spending on political figures constitutes freedom of speech,” Fox said, with a truly evil smile.
“You can’t spend Republic funds on new furniture for your headquarters!”
“Actually, these funds were suballocated to Corrie Clones Inc. I’m sure you wouldn’t be impinging on free corporate spending, would you?”
“Okay, I’m sold. What else can we fit under religious freedom?”
“Senator Tiren, you are being sued under charges of sexual misconduct with members of the Coruscant Guard.”
Senator Tiren sneered. “They’re Republic property, and I’m a senator. They have no legal right to stop me.”
Fox smiled, baring his teeth under his helmet. “Unfortunately, Corrie Clones Inc. has a religious requirement of chastity for all of its constituent property. Your actions violated its religious liberties.”
Tiren gaped like a fish. “That’s absurd! My lawyers will destroy you!”
At Fox’s side, Stone’s helmet hid a snigger. After all the time that Fox had been forced to spend learning every nasty loophole in Republic law, he almost felt sorry for Tiren’s lawyers. Almost.
“We won the suit.” Thire was staring at the paper in his hands. “We won the damn suit. ”
Fox gave a predatory smile. “I told you we would.”
“But … this is … we can stop senators from hurting the men. We can stop senators from hurting the men!”
“I think this calls for the good moonshine, don’t you?”
The party in the Corrie barracks lasted all night, and, because the next day was Taungsday, well into the morning as well. By the end, a very drunk Thorn and Quinlan Vos found their way over to Fox.
“Heeeey Fox,” slurred Thorn. “Foxy. Foxxxxx.”
“Yeah, Thorn?” Fox answered, somewhat less drunk and not showing any of it.
“Fox. That whole religious chastity thing. Does that mean me and Quinlan can’t kriff anymore??”
Fox looked up to where the lights seemed to be making pretty swimming circles overhead.
“Corrie Clones Inc. has decided not to investigate those allly- alli- allegations,” Fox declared magnanimously. “Plus, we can’t sue you. You’re a clone. Clonesssaren’t people. Can’t get sued, remember?”
“Can I get sued for kriffing my boyfriend?” Quinlan asked, also drunk. “Because that could get expensive very fast.”
Fox looked at him consideringly. “Yes. Corrie Clones Inc. will be suing you one credit for violating our religion. Will you settle out of court?”
Quinlan grabbed a single credit chip from his pocket and flipped it towards Fox. “One credit. Hereya go.”
Fox looked at the credit chip. Sometimes there were two of it. But it was a credit, and he had it. He liked that.
“And… you’re getting sued for five more credits,” he said hazily. “For vandalism and graffiti of company property.”
Quinlan pouted. “I haven’t done any graffiti. Not here anyway.”
Fox just pointed to the collar of Thorn’s shirt, where several large hickeys were already visible. “Graffiti. Company property. Five credits.”
“Thoooorn,” Quinlan pleaded, “Fox is being mean. Make him stop.”
Thorn laughed. “Nope. Nope nope he controls the candy. And the company. He’s CEO, you know. He’s suing you five credits, better pay!”
Quinlan groaned theatrically and tossed Fox another five credits.
“Are you- is the company happy?”
“For now,” Fox sniffed haughtily. “You can go back to being gross now. Corrie Clones Inc. says its naptime.” Then he fell over on the couch, and promptly started to snore.
Bonus:
GAR Clone 1: we can incorporate? And have taungsdays off?
GAR Clone 2: Yeah but the droids won’t give us taungsday off…
GAR Clone 3: sending a highly illegal comm message…
“Battledroids Inc?” cried Dooku. “What is this nonsense. Why are my droids not doing their jobs?”
“Corporate Religious Freedom, sir,” said a nervous assistant. “The trade federation was quite emphatic that all corporate liberties be grandfathered into the Separatist legal code. I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do.”
“Hold!” came the orders, from both sides of the battlefield. “Rest for sacred Taungsday. Battle will resume in 24 standard hours.”
The blaster shots ceased, and everyone had a well-earned rest.