Chapter Text
We were only fifteen at the time, young and naive to the world, but still wanted all the freedom we could get our hands on. Beomgyu often slept at my house. I'm not really sure when it started but me and my mom like having him here, and it's safe. I always took my twin-sized bed while he slept on the floor next to me. Even when I protested this he always said a sleeping bag would be just fine and smiled. Such a calm and gentle smile, I couldn't disagree with what he said. We both lay quietly in my bedroom, I stared at the ceiling while appearing to sleep peacefully. His long black hair peeked out of the sleeping bag and I could only see the top half of his face. He lay there next to me, the moonlight shining through the window cast a glow on his face and I found myself entranced. I always looked down at him when I knew his eyes were closed. He was so pale and even though this quality was easy to make fun of, it made him beyond beautiful.
Beomgyu opened his eyes and looked up at me, I was too lost in thought to notice. He leaned up from the floor and whispered,
“Yeonjun?”
His voice was soft but carried genuine concern, he didn't need to be worried but always was. Beomgyu sat up and I was now aware that we were making eye contact. I didn't respond to the calling of my name, trying to see his face better now that he was out of the moonlight.
“Are you okay? Can't sleep?”
He had always checked on me first, and I always hated it. Even now. I turned back to face the ceiling again and stared at the little glow-in-the-dark stars there before speaking.
“Yeah Beomgyu, I'm okay, just can't sleep.”
Beomgyu started to shuffle out of his sleeping bag on the floor and got into the small bed next to me. I wasn't sure what was going on but it was okay we’d been friends for so long, it's only normal. Is it also normal for my heart to start beating so much faster? Beomgyu turned toward me and smiled. It wasn't a toothy grin, just a polite curl of his lips. I finally turned fully to him and gave a weaker smile in return.
I could no longer point out any of his features in the dark, but I could tell his eyes were worried behind his smile. He was like someone who was about to leave for a long time, and just wanted to be happy. Even if it wouldn't be like this ever again.
“What are you doing up here?”
Beomgyu shifted eye contact in response to the question. Nervously and almost so quietly I couldn't hear him, he answered,
“I want to talk since I’m not that tired, and it’s harder to hear you from down there.”
“I see”
I turned back over to face the ceiling again and soon Beomgyu did the same. It was quiet, I had too many thoughts that I didn't want to tell him about. I didn't even understand them myself.
“So do you have anything in mind?”
He was still silent for a little too long and I sighed, annoyed with myself that I even asked. Suddenly he spoke again, still not facing me.
“Do you think I dress weird?”
My eyes widened and I turned to face Beomgyu, but he was still facing the ceiling. His eyes were closed now and he frowned. Seeing him like this made all the nerves in my body stand on edge. Why would he ask that? He was Beomgyu and maybe he was different, but it didn’t matter how he dressed even if it wasn’t the same as everyone else. Oftentimes he’d wear more androgynous clothes and kept his hair long. He cared about skincare and liked makeup and wasn't apologetic about it. I loved these things because they made him, him.
“No. I don’t think you dress weirdly, why are you asking that?”
He whispered quietly again,
“Just my dad y'know?”
There is silence again, both of us are lost in thought. His dad always made comments about how he presented himself, even sometimes getting aggressive in order to change him. Beomgyus' mom wasn't much help either, she mostly mourned the daughter she never had or the son she got but will never amount to her wishes.
“No, he's wrong Beomgyu.”
Beomgyu nodded. Still, his eyes were closed, so I kept trying to console him.
"Just worry about yourself and the people who care about you alright? And go back to sleep."
Neither of us moved.
"Can I stay here"
He whispered it so softly I could barely make out what he said, and I'm not even sure if he wanted me to hear it. Of course I wanted him to stay but what did he mean by that? In my bed, my home? I wasn't even sure, but I didn't want to concern him with that. Beomgyu slowly turned over facing away from me and closed his eyes. Soon I did the same, turning to face the opposite way but I didn't sleep. Our backs were touching and we no longer spoke for the rest of the night, we just breathed slowly.
I didn’t sleep for the rest of that night, I only thought of Beomgyu. He was so close I could feel his body move with each of his breaths, and I could feel the warmth of his back near mine. He felt so far away when I couldn’t talk to him. A twin bed never felt so spacious before. I couldn’t look at him now, I was too afraid to turn towards him, but I knew that he would sleep peacefully here at least for tonight.