Chapter Text
A giant spider who liked giant blue polka dots decided to call himself Bob. He didn't really understand why he wanted to do so, but he did anyways. He also didn't understand what giant blue polka dots were either, or what liking them implied. Bob didn't understand a lot of things. He didn't know why the grass was itchy. Or why trees had little climbing grooves in them. Why some trees were sticky and others not. Why tiny trees grew in the damp shadow places but the big trees didn't. He also didn't understand why swords hurt or why Humans liked slicing him with them.
He'd recently attended a MOBS meeting. He'd been told that the acronym meant Minions Opposed to Bloated Sinuses and promptly decided that while he didn't know what sinuses were and if he even had them, feeling bloated wasn't fun. Imagine his surprise when the MOBS meeting was actually about the lack of heavenly rights abided to evil citizens. Bob decided he didn't believe in Heaven. Or in dust mites for that matter.
Apparently the MOBS were organizing an ambush against the local town of Lothering. Bob was assigned to a grassy hill with several other Bobs and one Jim. Bob decided that he liked Jim. Jim decided that he didn't much like Bob.
Bob waited with Jim, listening to him go on and on about the horrors of dental care as Bob wondered whether or not he even had teeth to get 'dentalled'. Another Bob, this one liking specifically giant blue polka dots with light blue outlines, sat nearby and ranted on and on about the terrors of dust mites. Bob called them DMs for short, or at least he would if he actually referred to them in any form but blatant disbelief. This blatant disbelief often took the tone of sarcasm and thus included long exaggerated chitters and held no room for acronyms. Bob liked to believe himself smarter than the other Bobs.
He didn’t have an actual basis for this opinion, but decided that by virtue of being a Bob he was an expert on Bobs. Jims though, now those guys are dangerous. Though at this point in time Bob’s definition of dangerous was isolated to giving him a headache. Not that he was at all certain what a headache was, or what a head and ache meant individually.
Bob felt a thrill of excitement as the unique clings and clangs of armor sounded like war drums from the other side of the hill. He also felt quite a bit of fear, for humans were mean and he didn’t much feel like getting poked with swords today. He prepared himself for the upcoming clash. An epic battle between hero and villain as the admirable spiders fought off the human invaders!
Bob was met with disappointment when the humans ignored him and his fellow Bobs and Jims in favor of running for their lives from the Darkspawn invasion.