Chapter Text
Yeosang has been described as a lot of things over the years. Ditzy, clueless, odd, quiet. Words that usually came after he’d drifted away into his mind, an accidental response to try and escape his social anxiety. He’d zone back into his surroundings, and it would hit him that he now wasn’t sure what was going on… usually having to reply way too late after the question was asked to be socially acceptable.
His mum would always say he was “away with the fairies”. (He liked that one most because Wooyoung once said he was ‘as pretty as a fairy’ and that’s why she’d said it. He still smiled thinking about it.)
As well as these words, Yeosang had also been called many sweet things, like kind and generous, a good listener, lovely and charming. All were qualities that made him a good brother, a good son or friend, a kind stranger on the street. Often, he didn’t understand why he was being called these nice things, but he always appreciated them just the same.
Then there were the words that Yeosang still doesn’t understand how he fit into the categories of. His mum is always sure to tell him that he’s a little “oblivious” to things sometimes and is grateful Wooyoung was “always there”. He supposes he can be a little oblivious at times, but so can everyone, no? Isn’t that the point of being-
“YEOSANG!”
Yeosang jumps, whipping his head back up towards Wooyoung. His best friend Wooyoung who is currently sat on the other side of the cafeteria dining table, also halfway through his lunch.
“You weren’t listening to a word I was saying, were you?” Yeosang tries to dial back the conversation and remember the last thing he’d heard but… he’s really not sure when he’d zoned out. He shakes his head guiltily. Wooyoung just sighs and smiles at him fondly.
“Well, what were you thinking about?”
Does he admit that it was entirely ironic that he wasn’t paying attention because he was thinking about how he is described as someone who doesn’t pay attention? No. Definitely not. Instead, he goes with, “Just the new painting assignment we’ve been given this term. I think I’ll paint the campus gardens now winter has set in.”
“Oh, is it still life again?” Wooyoung takes another bite of his salad as Yeosang plays with his. He shakes his head.
“No, we’re deep diving into fine art this year and the first project is… vague. We can choose to explore and experiment within the boundaries of the topic but there’s not much direction, really. I thought about it for a while and I really liked sitting in the gardens last summer, so I think painting them in a different season might be therapeutic. Plus there are so medium styles I could go with for a winter scene, it really could be an open project for me to see what happens! There’s pastels, oils, watercolour, acrylic or chalk and I could use a lot of them in one to make a fully mixed media-” He stops abruptly, immediately aware that he’s rambling about a topic that definitely isn’t even remotely an interest for his best friend, but, as always, Wooyoung just nods with wide eyes and smiles, encouraging him to continue. Yeosang smiles gently and looks down at his salad, continuing a bit quieter, “so yeah, there’s a lot I could do and it’s a pretty area and it’ll be nice to be outside whilst I work.”
Wooyoung smiles even brighter. “I think that sounds like a great idea! Maybe I can come and sit with you between classes too? I always wanted to spend more time in the gardens last year but life was too busy.”
Yeosang nods, smiling across the table and only startling slightly (a win) as San drops his tray next to his and slings his bags into the booth. “What up losers.”
Wooyoung tuts. “San, you’re literally the biggest loser out of the three of us.”
“That may be true but at least I’m not a sore one. Games night wouldn’t be as fun if you weren’t throwing tantrums after every round.” Wooyoung let’s out an offended sound, mouth dropping open as San and Yeosang giggle.
“That’s so not true! Sangie, tell him!” Wooyoung sends deadly puppy dog eyes his way but Yeosang simply shoves another forkful of salad into his mouth and continues smiling. Wooyoung’s look turns into a pout. “Traitors, the both of you.”
San and Yeosang giggle again, Yeosang just happy to be sat next to his best friend’s boyfriend.
His best friend’s boyfriend. Yeah.
Wooyoung and San had been together for just over 2 years now. (Although if everyone was being honest, they’d pretty much been together since the day they’d met.)
During the first week of freshers, the campus had held it’s annual icebreaker event. In the mess of 50+ students that had showed up that day, they’d manage to find and befriend San, Yunho and Yunho’s very own tag-a-long, Mingi. Wooyoung had been immediately mesmerised by San’s smile and dimples. From the start, he was completely set on making the other laugh as many times as he could that day, being successful at almost every ridiculous attempt. San had been overjoyed at having Wooyoung cling to his arm and enter what Yeosang liked to call his ‘babygirl mode’, looking down at the new boy next to him with stars in his eyes. Everyone, Yeosang included, knew it was going to be those 2 plus everyone else from then on.
And he didn’t know it at the time, but that day would be the beginning of a whole new chapter in for Yeosang.
See, Yeosang had never even considered that Wooyoung may find other friends throughout life. It had always just been him and his best friend, them two against the world, and it wasn’t even an option to no longer be attached at the hip in the same way. However, seeing San and his best friend fall into their own bubble of joy over freshers week, Yeosang could feel the sadness slowly sinking in. Watching the two of them together started to make him feel like a third wheel and, by the fourth day, he started making his excuses to stay away. Wooyoung deserved happiness. He wasn’t made me to be held back by a socially inept Yeosang.
But, of course, that had all been for nothing. Wooyoung was incapable of staying in one person’s realm for more than a week, and they’d quickly worked it out between them. Well, Wooyoung had. He’d stormed into their shared apartment one day and demanded to know why Yeosang wasn’t coming out to the movies with them.
So that was the end of that. From that day on, it was the three of them and then everyone else, San, Wooyoung and Yeosang. They were a three-package deal, seen together almost 24/7. If San wasn’t with Wooyoung or Wooyoung wasn’t on his way to meet San, you could pretty much guarantee Yeosang was.
And as the clock struck 00:00 on January 1st of 2023, San kissed Wooyoung for the very first time, and everything finally fell into place. The three of them were a home unit and, between the dates and the sleepovers and San staying in their apartment, all three grew inseparable.
Yeosang looked at San now, dimples showing and eyes turning into crescent moons as he tried (and failed) to steal Wooyoung’s last piece of fried chicken off his plate. He smiled along, simply happy watching the other two play, watching as San’s smile lit up and his hair fell into his eyes softly… before he caught himself and returned quicky to his food.
Because despite the never-ending joy between all three of them, there was a large problem for Yeosang. It had arisen so quickly back then that he didn’t even have a chance to stop it.
He was in love with Choi San.
San and Wooyoung had been officially dating for no longer than 3 weeks when Yeosang started to realise the trouble he was in. As San began taking Wooyoung out on real dates, treating him with open romantic love rather than the usual platonic love everyone had seen for the previous 2 years of their friendship, Yeosang also began to fall. When San turned up with flowers on their doorstep and Yeosang got there first, he would blush and step to the side letting him in. “Youngie should be out soon.” he’d say and hang his head as he escaped off to his room, terrified to see the starstruck look on San’s face.
When Wooyoung would squeal from across the apartment, running into Yeosang’s room to gush over the restaurant booking San had just made at his favourite place, he would smile along and try not to be upset over the fact that it was also his favourite place.
When he caught the two of them making out on the couch on lazy Saturdays, he had quickly learnt to leave immediately, rather than stay for what might be a little too long.
Staying too long only ever served to make him cry.
So yes, Yeosang had a problem. But he had learnt to cope. If Wooyoung and San had a date, Yeosang would find a way to be out when the time came for San to arrive. When Wooyoung’s parents came to visit, Yeosang would eavesdrop on him and San making plans, just so he could make his own separate plan to see his best friend’s parents, without hearing their coos over how cute their son’s boyfriend was. When Wooyoung took a bit too long in the shower before San was coming to stay the night… well, Yeosang would conveniently remember that he forgot he had plans to stay over Yunho’s or Hongjoong’s or Mingi’s or Seonghwa’s. That all really depended on who replied first and was up for a sleepover.
Surprisingly, throughout all this, neither San nor Wooyoung had caught on to his feelings. Hongjoong had asked a few suspicious questions over the months, aware he was potentially being used as a scapegoat in his own home, but Yeosang had just laughed nervously and promised him it was all okay and that “it was just coincidence!”.
And if Hongjoong noticed that he'd switched it up after that and mostly escaped to Mingi or Yunho’s… he hadn’t said anything.
So yes, all in all, Yeosang was coping well.
The long-term effects of being in love with your best friend’s boyfriend, who is also your best friend, and spends pretty much every minute of every day with you or around you, sometimes treating you as sort of a cute tag-a-long to his dates, making jokes about how the three of you are all secretly dating together…?
Okay, so ‘doing pretty well’ might be a bit much.
The real truth of the matter is, Yeosang is tired.
He’s so tired of fighting this part of himself. He’s tired of pretending not to be in love with his best friend’s boyfriend, tired of hiding his feelings from who is now his best friend, tired of hiding, tired of running, tired of fake emotions, tired of being lonely.
That’s really the part that hurts the most. When, at the end of the day, hanging out with your two closest friends turns into you having to retire early to your own room, as they head to the one across the hall to cuddle and kiss and do all the cute things Yeosang so desperately wants… It hurts.
He still has Wooyoung, of course he does, and San is truly one of his best friends but… the distance between them is clear. He can’t go to the cinema with San alone for fear of making his own feelings evident. He can’t go to the new local restaurant opening with Wooyoung because San also wanted to go, and they need to wait for a booking for three. He can’t go and watch the local firework display with them both because; “Sorry Sangie, we kind of already organised it together as a date… maybe Mingi and Yunho are free?”
It was frustrating and lonely and Wooyoung and San are so nice all the time and they give him space and think he’s just distant occasionally because he needs his space and they’re his best friends but it hurts.
It hurts so much….
But Yeosang is coping. He is, he’s coping well. He’s coping for Wooyoung. Coping for San. For both of their smiles and laughs and memories. Coping for himself. He can be a third wheel, sometimes there and sometimes not. He can do that for them. They can be happy and together and feel no guilt because of him, he can do that.
Except today feels a little different. When they leave him at the table to get back to their classes with smiles and happy goodbyes, Yeosang ‘copes’ throughout the rest day. He lives on autopilot, keeping down his emotions throughout his classes. He does well, all the way up until he reaches Hongjoong and Seonghwa’s place that night with tears already threatening to spill. He really can’t bring himself to blame anyone anymore, he only has himself to blame for this road to self-destruction.
He knocks on their door.
As soon as Hongjoong sees him ready to break down on his doorstep, the amazing friend that he is, is quick to pull him in and close the door. As Yeosang lets the first few pained tears free, not even sure how he’s supposed to feel anymore, Seonghwa sits up on their bed (a king size tucked into the corner of their studio apartment), motionless and caught off guard. At any other time, it might have been a funny expression on his face but, right now, it’s just a reminder of how much he’s ruining everyone’s peace with his emotions. Seonghwa is the first to act as Hongjoong is stood stock still, quickly switching into his parental tone as Hongjoong finally moves to gather Yeosang onto their bed. He gets out from under the duvet and opens his arms as his boyfriend corrals Yeosang into them.
“Sangie, love, what’s wrong?”
The sweet nickname just makes him cry more. Hongjoong climbs onto the bed behind him and joins the hug, two sets of arms around him making him feel safer.
“Yeosangie… sweet thing, what happened?” Hongjoong this time. Yeosang tries to speak, to answer, he really does.
“It’s- I-I’m- I-“ Hongjoong shushes him, quickly realising speaking isn’t going to happen right now.
“It’s okay honey, we’ve got you. You’re safe here.” Seonghwa pets his hair, adding to the sensation of Hongjoong petting his back. “You’re okay with us.”
10 minutes, a box of tissues and a bottle of water emptied later, Yeosang is finally back to himself enough that he feels embarrassed over his outburst.
“I’m s- sorry. It’s silly rea- really.” He’s still hiccupping through tears but they’re slowing down, his mask of normality crumbling back into place.
“Nonsense, nothing is silly if it’s made you this upset.” Seonghwa hands him another tissue as Hongjoong contemplates quietly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Yeosang thinks over his problem and what would happen if he let it out. He quietly weighs the pros and cons, risks and if it’s worth sharing. He thinks of San and Wooyoung and their reactions if they found out about his feelings and immediately decides it’s not worth it. He must react bodily to the thought because both Seonghwa and Hongjoong pull away to look at him more carefully.
“No, no it’s okay. I’m just… it’s… it’s…” sighing deeply, he finally settles on; “no, it’s okay.”
Seonghwa seems to deflate a bit but doesn’t look disappointed, which helps Yeosang’s guilt a little. When he glances to Hongjoong though, he swallows hard. That small fear in the back of his mind from months ago over the fact that Hongjoong might know something, returns full force. He suddenly feels the need to run, far away from here.
“Sang-ah…” he starts. Nope. Nope, he won’t be able to handle it if Hongjoong guesses right, because if he does then there’s nothing stopping Seonghwa from knowing, and then everyone will know how awful he is for homewrecking and he can’t, he can’t. He has to leave, this was a mistake. A huge misjudgement on his part.
Yeosang stands abruptly, dislodging both of his friends and stepping off the bed, turning back quickly to avoid any further conversation.
“Thank you for helping me, I’m fine now, really. It’s… I’ll be okay, thank you and sorry.” He tries to make for the door in a panic, ready to bolt and pretend nothing happened, but a hand stops him. He turns to see Seonghwa giving him a hurt look, one he knows translates to the fact he really messed up. He messed up because a sad Seonghwa means a determined Hongjoong, and a determined Hongjoong is a man who will get to the bottom of whatever the issue is. Looking back over at the man in question, proves his theory.
Hongjoong is currently quietly watching his boyfriend for cues and, as Seonghwa doesn’t drop Yeosang’s hand and continues to plea, Hongjoong’s jaw is steeled. And when he looks back over to Yeosang, he stands slowly, almost like approaching a feral animal.
“Yeosang.”
Oh no, Hongjoong used his actual name. This is bad bad. He looks back to the front door, judging his escape. “Yeosang-ah, will you please look at me?”
Yeosang can feel the tears starting again. He really can’t do this.
His breathing is coming quicker again and Seonghwa drops his hand, the cold making him feel distant and far from the other two men in the room. But Hongjoong is quicker than his panic and his hands come to gently guide his face back. He’s looking into Hongjoong’s eyes now, tears blurring them as he stands on the edge of a full-blown panic attack. If Hongjoong says anything now, it’s game over.
A whisper.
It’s all it takes.
“Is this about San and Wooyoung?” And really, Yeosang tries. He tries so hard to not break down again, but he never stood a chance. His knees give out at the realisation that someone else knows. Relief and guilt wash over him in equal parts, and he can’t focus anymore. Seonghwa drops to join them on the floor (did Hongjoong fall with him?), not knowing what’s truly happening but ready to support them no matter what. If Yeosang has guardian angels, it would absolutely be his two friends surrounding him with love right now.
“I don’t know what to do! He’s- I’m- and Wooyoung-“
Hongjoong speaks as gently as he can as he holds him tight. “Hey, you’re okay. It’s okay, we can work this out, okay? You’re not any of the things your brain is telling you that you are right now, I promise you’re not.”
Yeosang wants to believe him, but how is Hongjoong supposed to know that? Someone else knows he’s a bad friend, even if they don’t know to what extent. It’s almost out in the world and not just in Yeosang’s head. He’s failed to hide his feelings and finally messed everything up. They’re going to hate him and think he’s awful for living with Wooyoung and being friends with them both for so long through it all. He’s about to lose everything.
Yeosang continues to break down on his friend’s floor for an hour. He refuses to talk more, but his friends don’t push. At some point, Wooyoung calls Seonghwa to ask if Yeosang is with them because he hasn’t come back from classes but hasn’t said where or why, and it’s getting kind of late to not hear from him. Yeosang is still in fight or flight mode, but he’s calmed down enough by that point to be coherent, nausea hitting him from crying so much and making him realize he needs to breathe. He doesn’t want to go home. Hongjoong said he can stay with them for the night, but he honestly just wants to disappear entirely.
Over the phone, Seonghwa clearly isn’t sure what to say to Wooyoung now, stuttering for a moment as to whether to lie or tell the truth about Yeosang’s whereabouts. Yeosang takes pity on him and nods heavily with a sigh. Wooyoung sounds relieved once he knows Yeosang is there, and distantly, he hears San’s voice in the background. He doesn’t want to think about him right now. He almost lets the tears spill again, tripping over his feelings, but he holds onto them.
“He’ll be home later, I think, maybe tomorrow? Okay. Yeah. No, he hasn’t got anything here. Hmm… I’ll ask… Sangie?” Yeosang looks up, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “Woo wants to know if you’d talk to him. If you need anything?”
His immediate response is ‘no’. No, he doesn’t want to talk, not now and not ever, because he’s broken everything by falling in love. But a gentle hand on his back and a glance over at Hongjoong, nodding in encouragement, makes him realise he really has to be an adult about this. Disappearing forever isn’t an option, and he lives with Wooyoung.
He exhales and nods, asking for the phone. He swallows.
“Hey Woo…” Fuck, his voice is shot.
“Sangie, baby… what happened?” The term of endearment really isn’t needed right now. They’ve always called each other *baby* whenever the other is upset, but right now, it just feels like a reminder of what he’s about to lose.
“I’m okay Woo. Really.”
“You don’t sound okay, Sang-ah. Are you going to come home tonight?” He thinks about his answer.
“Erm, yeah… just, maybe not right now?” He swallows again. “Is—Is San still there?” He hears some shuffling and holds his breath, wondering if they’re lying in bed together or getting their coats on to come and get him, or whole other range of situations.
“Yeah, Sannie’s still here. Did you want him to go? We can cuddle in your bed and eat ice cream? The new episode of our drama is out?” Yeosang wants to cry. His best friend is the best thing that’s ever happened to him. A tear slips free and he sniffles, a wet sob choking its way out.
“That would be great, actually. I’m sorry. I love you, Woo.” He hears a suspicious sniff from the other end and feels his heart break a little more. Wooyoung always did end up crying if Yeosang was.
“I love you too, Sangie. Okay right, I’m kicking San out.” An offended sound comes from the other end of the line as he hears what sounds suspiciously like a pillow hitting its target. “He’s leaving right now, and then we’re having a girl’s night! Yes!! Okay, yep, let me know when you’re coming home—wait! Actually, Sannie, babe wait, before you go can you go get us some ice cream pretty please?”
Yeosang giggles through his tears as his two best friends fall over each other making plans for him. They truly never fail to bring his mood up, even if he’s currently the reason they’ll be upset themselves very soon. But he’ll take tonight for what it is. One last memory with his best friends. He’ll abuse this privilege of them not knowing his true feelings for one last night.
Another tear slips free, but Seonghwa is there to catch it with a tender hand.
“Alright, okay, I’m leaving now. I’ll see you soon, Youngie.”
“Yes!! I’m getting the blankets out!!!” His voice is distant, and Yeosang knows he’s been put on speakerphone as Wooyoung runs around for their emergency 'sad supplies'. He smiles fondly and hangs up, knowing his best friend is in full code red girls night in mode.
He looks back up, heart full and still smiling, to see Hongjoong smiling back at him fondly.
“What? Why are you smiling like that?” he asks.
Hongjoong sighs.
“Nothing. I just think sometimes life is good. Now come on! You have somewhere to be.” He ushers Yeosang up and out, but not before Seonghwa can give him a tight hug. He pulls back and holds Yeosang’s face between his hands.
“If anyone ever hurts you, you have us to fight your corner, Sangie. Always. Remember that, okay?” He hugs him again, not waiting for a reply.
“I know. See you later. Thank you both, really. I truly appreciate it. Sorry for ruining your evening…”
“Don’t be silly. And for the record, I think it’ll work out fine.” Hongjoong smiles again, but Yeosang has no idea how that could even be an option right now. Hongjoong doesn’t know the full details, though, so that checks out.
For now, he knows he has a drama, ice cream, blankets, and his best friend to get home to.
One last night.