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An is sitting in her apartment idly, scrolling through Instagram. This much is certain. She was scrolling through Instagram, and she stopped on a post. A pretty, soft girl fills the screen, and An has to fight not to bite her lip.
Kohane. Her singing partner/crush/ex-friend. The woman smiles in the photo, looking at a bouquet of flowers.
An wonders who got them for her. Maybe a new lover? Or maybe Kohane looked at them and bought them herself. An doesn't know, and it certainly isn't her place to pry.
Not after they broke up three months ago, anyway. An and Kohane had been dating for a year at that point, and Kohane wouldn’t even really tell An the reason she was breaking up with her, just mumbling off excuses. Kohane had walked out of An's life, and took with her part of An, leaving the starry-eyed girl missing a piece of her. Kohane hasn't been posting on social media since, and if she does, it's not ever photos of herself.
So it's surprising to see Kohane after three months of no contact. An's been busy at work, and Kohane is becoming a biologist. At least An thinks so.
She hasn't really had a chance to ask.
It's even more surprising when there's a knock on her door. An gets up begrudgingly, rolling her eyes. Who could be here? She hadn't ordered food. It was probably Akito. That boy spent more time at An's apartment than his own half of the time. Most of the time, it was to annoy An, but sometimes, something in his eyes gave him away. Akito is scared of being alone. Just like An is.
"Akito, get the hell out- oh." An starts, glaring playfully, before she realizes that the person infront of her is not Akito at all. This person is in fact a lot shorter than Akito. This person is Kohane. Her face falls slack, and she fights to keep her face from betraying her shock. Her resolve is crumbling, like a stone from a mountain.
"Hi." Kohane says, and An can't tell if her voice has gotten more mature, or if it's just different from how An remembers it, but Kohane offers her a half-smile anyways.
"What are you doing here?" An questions, her eyes narrowing. She's not trying to sound rude, and she doesn't, but it's a genuine question. Kohane has been ghosting her for three months. What the hell is she doing on An's doorstep?
"Okay, harsh. Can I come in?" Kohane tries for a joke, but An isn't having it.
"'Harsh'? It was a little harsh when you broke up with me for no reason three months ago, and then ghosted me. What do you want, Kohane." The first sentence comes out angry, the second just tired. An is so tired. Tired of hating herself, tired of hating Kohane. She’s tired of picking herself apart, wondering what part of her turned Kohane away.
"I want to talk." Kohane pleads, and if An was any less angry, she would've given in. But she holds strong, glaring at Kohane.
"Really? After all this time?" An asks incredulously.
"Yes. Please." Kohane says, and An sighs, almost annoyed. She used to love Kohane. Kohane was her everything. Now all there is when An thinks about her is bitterness and remorse. But in a part of her she can’t deny, she knows that she’ll never truly stop loving Kohane. “I know I don’t deserve it but- please.”
"Fine. Come in." An lets Kohane in, gesturing to the couch for Kohane to sit. Kohane sits on the plush couch, and An thought she was over this, but the sight of Kohane on the couch that they used to share? An has to look away to stop herself from staring at Kohane pointedly. "Want something to drink?"
"Uh- no. I’d- I’d hate to intrude." An snorts at Kohane's answer.
So much for intruding. You're in my fucking house.
"Okay." An says simply, and she's glad her voice is detached and emotionless, instead of the bitterness she's choking back. She sits on the couch, a reasonable distance away from Kohane. "What did you want to talk about."
"I- I'm sorry," Kohane says, her voice small and soft. "I'm sorry for the way things ended."
"Okay. I don't forgive you." An says firmly, and Kohane's eyes go wide.
"What?"
"I don't forgive you, Kohane." An says, and her eyes give away her hurt. They always do, narrowed and broken. "You left me without an explanation. That kind of sucked."
"Oh," Kohane says, as if she hadn't considered that. As if she hadn't once considered An.
"'Oh'? That's all you've got? It's been three months. Fuck, Kohane. You left me in a ditch. Do you know how it feels to be left without so much as a word?" An inhales sharply. If she goes on, she'll cry. She knows it. So she steadies her breathing, and pushes on. "I started thinking I was the problem, Y’know? Started picking myself apart, Kohane. I- I can't do this. I can't forgive you."
"I'm so sorry. I know sorry isn't enough, but I’m sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that to you, An. Do you want an explanation? Or should I go?" Kohane says, as kind as ever, and An can feel tears behind her eyes. After this, she'll cry. But no sooner.
"Explain." An says simply, and her eyes stay cold.
"I was afraid. I don't know- we had been dating for a year. I thought- I thought about what it would be like for us in the future, and that scared me. More than anything ever has. I- I should’ve handled it better. I'm sorry about that." Kohane says the speech in one breath as if she's been thinking about it for three whole months.
"So… you didn't want to be held back by me?"
"No I- I didn't want to hold you back, An. Singing has never been a longtime career option for me. But for you? You're the most amazing singer I’ve ever seen. I didn't want to hold you back. I wanted- I want to stay with you forever, but- how could I?" Kohane says, and her voice holds genuine, real emotion in it. An can tell. But An doesn't want to believe it.
"Why- why didn't you say anything? Kohane, you know I would've talked you through it." An says, and there's real fear and confusion in her voice, but she tries to tone it down because she will not cry in front of Kohane.
"I know you would've! I know! But- I didn't want to worry you. You were having so much fun, your career was taking off… I didn’t feel worthy of being with you."
"Are you kidding me?" An says, and it's not in an annoyed way, it's in an overly emotional, ' I might cry ' way. "Kohane I'm sorry I-"
"No! Don’t apologize. Please.” Kohane says desperately, as if An apologizing would kill her. “An, it wasn't fair that I just left you like that. I just- I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do. And I'm sorry." Kohane says, and An can see the pure remorse in her eyes, can feel the tears before even Kohane recognizes they're running down the starry-haired girl's face.
"Shit! I- I didn't want to cry. Sorry." An says, wiping her eyes furiously as if trying to staunch the tears like a leak. Kohane just shifts closer to An.
"Can I hug you?" Kohane asks simply, and maybe it's because it's been three months, and maybe because An has felt so shitty for those past three months, and maybe it’s because Kohane still cares, but An nods. An nods desperately, and Kohane loops her arms under An's, clutching tightly at her back. An in turn pulls Kohane in, wrapping her arms around the slightly smaller girl's shoulders. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I understand if you don’t want to forgive me, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry. An I’m so -“
“Please stop apologizing. Say something else. Say anything else.” An pleads, burying her face into Kohane’s shoulder. She vowed not to cry, but once the floodgates opened, she sobs freely.
“I still love you.” Kohane offers helplessly, and An’s grip on her tightens. an ugly sob breaks its way through her chest. “You might not love me but I still love you. So much.”
And An feels like she’s been waiting for years to hear that. An feels like her world is crumbling, but she chokes and sobs into Kohane’s shoulder.
“Jesus Christ.” An sniffs, and her eyes narrow. She pulls away and glares slightly at Kohane. “Are you sure? Because you said that last time.”
“I’m sure.” Kohane says, pulling away gently to hold An’s hand in hers. “I’ll prove it to you. I promise. I’ll prove it to you a million times over. Until you believe me beyond a doubt.”
And An believes her. Kohane says it with her whole chest, and An lets out a breath she hadn’t even been holding. But Kohane’s eyes are still full of apologies, and An doesn’t want to hear them. She’s sick of apologies.
So she makes sure Kohane can’t speak.
An kisses Kohane tearfully, and maybe it isn’t the best idea, maybe An should be keeping her composure. Maybe she should be giving Kohane a harder time, but all she can think about as An kisses her is how much she missed it. Kohane feels warm and soft under An’s fingertips, and An is melting under the comfort. Kohane goes rigid, and An can almost hear her thoughts competing in her head.
Do you want me to kiss you back? Am I allowed to?
In lieu of answering, An grabs Kohane’s cheek gently, pulling her closer. Kohane’s eyes go wide as An shuts hers.
And Kohane kisses An like it’s been the only thing on her mind for three months straight, and for all An knows, it very well could have been. She kisses her like she’s afraid of losing An again. Kohane kisses An back and it feels like An is drowning in a sea of Kohane, Kohane, Kohane.
And as overwhelming as that is, it’s a welcome reminder. It’s a reminder that Kohane is there. Kohane doesn’t want to leave her. Kohane loves her. Kohane is sorry .
And that’s enough for An right now.