Work Text:
Changmin
It doesn’t happen at once. It takes a lot of time, and it takes a lot of emotional turmoil to get to the place he is today. They were supposed to be his family. The family he realized he was going to have at age 17 when he returned from a tour to find out that his actual family had inside jokes and little tidbits of happening. When he realized he felt more like a stranger butting into a family’s time rather than an actual family member. This was inevitable and he realized as time passed, the price you had to pay to become a celebrity. You had to sacrifice something to gain something.
Thus he accepted the transition of calling four other guys, who were not much older than himself family. He went to Yunho when he needed advice, when he needed reassurance. Jaejoong cooked for him, but also leant an ear when he needed to rant. Yuchun was his silent buddy, who acted as a sponge and radiated calm when his mind was too busy. Junsu made him feel younger and battling with him on stupid video games made him feel his age. As the youngest, he learnt to be mature so that his brothers had a place to fall back. At the end of the day, when they were coming back to a dorm dead tired and looking forward to 2-3 hours of sleep, they moved around with a practiced ease, which was built with years of living together. But also the fact that they were attuned to each other made sure that the routine would be sometimes broken so that everyone was cared for.
This didn’t mean they were perfect. Oh no, they had their fights too. The petty fights, or the big fights, or even the fist fights. They were not perfect and being boys, they always tended to be rough. But all these fights later ceased to be unimportant when they gathered in the living room. At the end of the day, when they were done arguing and emptying all that anger and when they took a look at the other person, they realized that no matter how much they fought, this family was all they got. So they all came back.
Which was why it was a huge blow to Changmin. Sure, he knew they were not treated well and they had to do something. But when the talks about suing came up and if he questioned himself whether he can do this, whether they will survive he came up with a blank. Nobody has ever done it and lived to tell. When everything suddenly blew up and after all the fights, the battles and the yelling arguments the dust settled and he stood with Yunho, watching three people walk away, it took a stray CD of Yoochun’s to realize, that his family was broken. Torn apart from the middle. His three brothers were now walking down a different path. His cries that night brought Yunho and they both cried until the dawn. And later when Yunho wiped both their faces and promised he will never leave him, Changmin spat at him ‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep’.
Time started to go on. Sometimes he wondered whether SM forgot about them. He learnt to block websites, learnt to block articles and people from his life. Once Kyuhyn had to physically force him out of his room. And when they went drinking he got spectacularly drunk and made Yunho worry.
But then again, SM came back with a brutal force. He was forced back into the familiar pattern of working endless hours. He forged ahead with an unwavering but stupidly bravado and tried to fake it until he made it. His barbed words made sure that no one knew how hurt he felt (he couldn’t really fool the people that were most close to him though). He made sure that he was busy all the time, so busy that he had no time to think at all. He realized how unhealthy this was one day when Yunho looked at him like a stranger. His words sounding odd masked with something other than the familiar warmth. Changmin was surprised that Yunho wasn’t adding the honorifics to his name and paused their conversation. This gave Yunho a pause as well and both of them took a look at each other, a real look into all the splits and crevices in their fronts and all the feelings they were not expressing and realized what harm they were implementing on themselves. “I will request for time off” Yunho said solemnly. Meanwhile Changmin nodded and just sat back and took a long breath. Then proceeded to make an appointment with his Psychiatrist for two people.
It was a long process. It took a long time for them to bare their honest thoughts. The honest thoughts that were embedded so deep and the fears, the fears took almost double the time. But they worked slowly together. Changmin knew Yunho visited alone as well, but didn’t ask him. He had his own burden to unleash, his own demons to fight. Once they were more aware of their feelings, what was left was exhaustion, because in all the hate and anger, they had forgotten to take care of themselves. They tackled that next. Taught themselves how to slot in to the space of five people. Learnt how to spread themselves, and to establish their bond again. This was the toughest part as Yunho didn’t realise that Changmin had also grown up. Was a different person from the bambi eyed youngest he knew. They learnt somehow and they coped.
Of course this meant dealing with the split as well. Their doctor had to force Changmin. Yunho was more accepting, but Changmin was the dragon. He horded everything to his chest and never let go. So the psychiatrist had to put down her foot and made sure Changmin released it all. Made sure that everything was out on the open. Made sure that Changmin had to put down all his baggage so move forward.
So Changmin worked on it. Worked with so much hanging on this because Yunho was there for him. Yunho, who promised he will never leave, Yunho who was trying to spread himself this over to cover 3 more people. Yunho who needed him. Changmin looked and learnt what went around him. Looked at all those articles. Looked at his friends he forgot he had. His mother, father and sisters who were anxious for him. Looked at his family, looked at Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu and decided that enough was enough. They were all hurt. No matter who left, who stayed, both sides had hurt. Of course he didn’t talk to them yet. He was stubborn still, that hasn’t changed at all. So he tried to understand. He made sure he tried to understand. Tried to see the two sides rather than one.
He wasn’t sure how he ended up in a private room in one of the very discreet clubs with the other four. Was it Yunho? Or was it Heechul? Or someone else in their friend’s circle who were fed of all the angst Jaejoong was exuding. Anyway they were there. In flesh and all Changmin wanted was to just look at them. To look and absorb all of their being into memory. So that when they left, he would take that memory with him. So that it would hurt less. He doesn’t remember much from that evening. He does remember Yunho going silently to the other three and hugging them tightly. And he remember three pairs of arms dragging him to the hug as well. He doesn’t remember which arms he held tight, was it all? He doesn’t remember whom he sat with. But at one point during the evening he remember all of them settling down.
It wasn’t easy to start talking. It was like playing minefield. They didn’t know what would set off a bomb. What to avoid. So most of the evening was spent in silence while consuming alcohol. This pattern continued for the rest of their meeting for the next couple of months, until one day Junsu, the sweet and simple Junsu made them sit down and explain their views. This prompted Changmin to barrel in to an angry rant, but Yunho stopped him with a gentle hand and started to talk. Talk in the sense of not being accusive, but trying to find middle ground. Trying not to create any more cracks. All this while Jaejoong remained silent and Yoochun absorbed it all.
Finally, they found an equilibrium where they didn’t sound hurt and accusing. Didn’t sound apologizing and regretful. They all agreed that it was best to leave the past to the past and move forward. Even though they were separated, this was family. And family always came together. So they learnt how to sew those strewn pieces back together. They had to learn how to be 2 and 3 but still be 1.
The visits to the psychiatrist went well with that. Changmin sounded less angry when talking and Yunho smiled more easily.
And they, they realized they were going to be ok.