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When the knock came, Regulus had half a mind not to answer it. More than half, really. It was that infuriatingly familiar cadence; two spaced-out raps followed by two faster ones and a final tap to finish it off that meant he didn’t need to open the door to see who was on the other side
The knock dredged up forgotten memories he had long since boxed, buried, and left behind. Memories of hesitant rapping on the door and a welcome voice. Of the gentle call of his name and the promise of someone to mend his shattered soul. If he had been able to go another decade or two not hearing that knock at the front door, he could have been a happy man. The authors of fate always did have a cruel sense of humour, didn’t they?
He considered ignoring it. It was his house after all; wasn’t he free to answer or not answer the door as he chose? He was shocked, however, to find his feet moving of their own accord down the stairs and into the foyer. His body didn’t feel entirely his own as he moved to the door and turned the cold brass knob. It felt detached, almost dreamlike, but as he drew open the door and saw who was standing on the doorstep in the pouring rain, he knew it was no dream. At the very least, he was certain he would never dream up a situation quite this frustratingly complicated.
“Sirius,” he nodded. His brother continued to stare at him for a moment and Regulus wondered if perhaps he was looking for some sort of sympathy. Recognition perhaps? Surely he wasn’t looking for any pity. How pathetic. After what had happened the last time he had shown his face at the manor, he expected Regulus to just welcome him back with open arms as if nothing had happened? He wasn’t sure there could possibly be anything more delusional.
“ Regulus, ” Sirius started in a tone in which Regulus thought he detected the barest hints of desperation.
He managed a single step forward before Regulus raised a hand to stop him.
How dare he? His brother had the gall to come back home after raising absolute hell for leaving it in the first place, and try to act as if everything could just go back to normal ? As if he hadn’t abandoned everything their family stood for when he walked out the door?
Regulus made no attempt to hide the abject disgust he felt, “I told you I never wanted to see you again.”
His brother, ever the immature bastard, could only laugh at that. Laugh , as if Regulus had made some sort of casual joke.
“I didn’t think you were serious,” he smiled nervously, “We both know you’re prone to dramatics.”
“Get out.”
Regulus took satisfaction in the shocked look on his brother’s face as if he’d been slapped, “Reg…”
“ Don’t.” Resentment broke the barrier of indifference Regulus had put up faster than he could cover it up again, “Do not call me that.”
Sirius put his hands up in surrender but didn’t back away and that only served to aggravate him further. Why didn’t he leave ? Isn’t that what he had said he wanted anyway? He had screamed it at their parents from across the entryway hall, a hastily packed bag slung over his shoulder and one accusatory finger pointed at the both of them. There had been a rage and a fire in his brother’s eyes that he had never seen before. He remembered it well, and remembered even better the near matching expressions in both his mother's and father’s eyes.
Everything must have gone fine for his brother after that. He had been able to take refuge at his wonderful, supportive, saviour of a best friend’s house, never to see his family again and wasn’t that just lovely for him? Wasn’t it wonderful ? Wonderful that he escaped the constant onslaught of abuse. Wonderful that he left his fifteen year old brother alone to be the outlet for their father’s newfound rage. Wonderful that while he escaped their parents’ cruelty, it had only been turned twofold on Regulus.
And now here he was, expecting Regulus to let him in? His brother could burn in hell for all Regulus cared now.
He looked absolutely pitiful, standing there with his shoulders slumped, soaked through from the downpour, with bags under his eyes as if he hadn’t slept in days. He couldn’t help but take just a bit of satisfaction in seeing him like that knowing that the reason he looked so beaten and worn was because he had left.
What he wasn’t expecting were the words that came out of his mouth almost too fast for him to catch.
“Come back with me.”
Quiet anger was replaced with shock and then promptly returned to anger once more. He couldn’t have said-
Regulus cupped a hand behind his ear as if he hadn’t heard him, “I’m sorry apparently father’s senseless bouts of violence are finally getting to me because surely you did not just say what I think you said.” A bitter laugh escaped his lips, “It almost sounded like you wanted me to become a traitor just like you.”
He crossed his arms and fixed his brother with a cold glare, “Enlighten me, because I must be wrong.”
“Reg-” Sirius started, then winced and tried again, “ Regulus, you heard what I said just fine. Come back to the Potters’ with me. Please .”
Regulus heard his mother’s voice in his head telling him to be calm and maintain his emotional advantage, but it was just such a bloody stupid request. Who did his brother think he was?
“Oh yes,” he sneered, “‘Leave with me, Regulus!’ ‘Betray everything you know and love and come run away with me, Regulus!’ ‘You’ll be much happier as a stain and an insult to your family line, don’t you worry !’”
His brother winced at the mockery but Regulus simply didn’t care. If he had wanted a better answer, he was just about two years too late.
Sirius’s expression was pleading and it might have meant something if Regulus wasn’t so terribly furious at him.
“Don’t you want to leave?” he asked, “Don’t you want to not have to worry about any of…” he gestured up at the slate grey stonework of the manor, “ this ?”
“It’s not that simple, Sirius.”
“ Isn’t it ?” His brother demanded, “Because it was pretty damn simple for me!”
“I’m not you.” He said levelly, though it took all his willpower not to shout, “And thank heavens for that.”
His brother sighed and this time it came out harsh and irritated, “Right, yes because I left didn’t I? Bane of the family name and the most horrific failure of Mother and Father’s lives, right?”
“Yes.”
“ No !” The sharp cry came laced with exasperation, “There’s more to life than the hell that our family is offering, Regulus!”
Somewhere in the dark, forgotten parts of Regulus’s heart that struck a chord. It was immediately staunched and replaced with still more irritation, but the momentary effect it had on him was apparently evident enough.
“You know I’m right.” Sirius said, “You know I am.”
Perhaps he was. Like it or not, Regulus recognised there was some merit in what he was saying. He couldn’t remember a single night of his entire life that hadn’t been laced with fear or anxiety because of his parents’ temperamental and unpredictable moods. Much of it had fallen on their older cousin, Andromeda, who had been the first to vocalise her concerns about their family’s way of life. But when she had left to start her own life away from home, their rage had turned to Sirius, and now that Sirius was gone, their wrath fell on Regulus. A brutal line of succession that punished no one but whoever’s turn it was next. Still…
“That doesn’t mean anything.” He said and he hated how his voice wavered slightly.
“I hate to break it to you, little brother,” Sirius shook his head with his arms crossed, “but in case you haven’t noticed, our parents aren’t exactly known for their benevolence. Or, you know, sanity. ”
“So what?” Regulus snapped, “I’m supposed to just abandon them because you say so?”
“Yeah, kind of? ” Sirius looked shocked and furious, “They ruined our lives, Regulus!”
“They were trying to teach us.” Regulus countered, “Just because it’s not your favourite method doesn’t mean it’s bad.”
He wasn’t really sure why he was defending their parents at all. He had no real fondness for them, and it would be beyond a lie to say he had ever thought of the nightly beatings as a “lesson to be learned.”
His brother threw up his hands and paced in one short circle before coming to stand in front of Regulus once more, “I can’t believe this.” He said quietly, “You’ll really listen to anything they tell you, won’t you?”
“Yes,” Regulus replied firmly, his arms crossed tightly over his chest, “ I’m a good son.”
“Did you not notice all the times in both our lives when father tried to kill us ?” Sirius asked, aghast, “They’ve never given you any reason to need to be a good son! They’re terrible people, Regulus. What about that don’t you understand?”
This was all starting to lean too far into complex emotions that Regulus didn’t want to unpack. His parents were terrible people, on that they both agreed. The first week after Sirius had left had been one of the worst of his life and perhaps if his brother had come back to have this conversation with him then, he would have taken him up on the offer.
But things had changed in the years since. He and his mother had talked and had what Regulus thought was probably the first real conversation he’d had with one of them in his life. It wasn’t bad though, far from it. He had listened as his mother sobbed, pouring her heart out to him that he was all they had left and she couldn’t stand the thought of losing him too. Andromeda was gone, Sirius was gone, and he was all that remained of the family they had before. She had pulled him into a fierce embrace and told him she loved him then, that she loved him so much and would he please never leave her? Regulus had hugged her back just as tightly and promised he wouldn’t. How could he do that to his poor mother?
“Mother needs me,” he said, “Andromeda left, you left, and now I’m all our family has.”
Regulus didn’t know how to describe the wide eyed expression that appeared on his brother’s face at that, “You’re your own bloody person , Regulus!” He exclaimed bordering on yelling and Regulus cast a brief cautionary glance at the door.
That didn’t stop him. He jabbed one finger in Regulus’s direction, “You don’t need to follow everything our parents say all the time, you’re allowed to make choices, just like Andy and I did! And as long as you keep making this particular choice, you’ll never be anything more than a pawn in whatever sick game they’re playing.” Sirius let out a large, frustrated breath, raking his hands through his hair, “Merlin, Regulus you’re so…so… boring ! There’s nothing to you as a person! All you’ve got is just…just…”
Oh so his hero brother was at a loss for words, was he? Well Regulus might as well help him out. “Loyal?” He hissed, “Diligent to our family and the people we’re supposed to care about ? Because that’s no weakness to me, Sirius.”
“You’re allowed to have a personality outside mother and father, Regulus!”
Regulus couldn’t help but roll his eyes, “Oh yes and that’s worked out terribly well for you so far, hasn’t it?” He met Sirius’s gaze head on and his brother did so in turn, “Tell me, brother , did you find individuality out there in the wide world you were so bound from? Did you find freedom and now it’s just so wonderful that you’ve got to drag your poor, abused baby brother into the mess too?”
Forget the emotional advantage, Regulus was fuming now. How dare his brother come to his house and try and tell him how he was to live his life. ‘Be your own person,’ look where that had gotten Sirius. No family, no home to call his own, no future, and he was trying to say that Regulus was at the disadvantage here?
His brother opened his mouth to interject but Regulus cut him off immediately, “You have nothing !” He said, “All you have is your stupid friend and a house to stay in for now, but how long will those last?”
Sirius’s next outburst was punctuated by a furious step forward, “Don’t you dare talk about James like that.”
His brother towered over him, but Regulus was not to be intimidated “Brother, I know your idea of what is acceptable for a human being is misaligned ,” he said cooly, “but kindly step away from me. You reek of self righteousness and I fear it will seep into the house.”
To his credit, his brother did take a step back, though the pleading and search for understanding in his eyes had now been erased completely and replaced with cold fury. Fine by him. Let his brother be angry if that’s what he wanted.
For a moment they glared at each other, the sounds of the rain a melancholy symphony to their conversation. When he spoke again, his own voice was level with a firm accuracy, “You came to stand on my doorstep and demand I abandon everything I’ve ever known to leave and run away with you. Correct?”
His brother made no move to acknowledge what he had said one way or another. Take that as a yes then, he supposed.
“Right.” He sighed, “Well I wish I could say thank you for trying, but I do my best not to lie, so your answer is simply no. I will be staying here where I belong. Where people care about me. And I will do you the service of not telling anyone you darkened our doorstep with your presence.” He pointedly cocked his head toward the street behind his brother, “Now if you would leave. Immediately.”
“Reg-”
“ Leave.” He snapped.
His brother opened his mouth once, then closed it and whatever he seemed to have been about to say was lost to a simple nod, “Right. I’m going.”
“Good.”
“But Regulus,” His brother said as he made his way down the steps, because of course he had to be the one with the final word, didn’t he?
“If you do change your mind…”
“I won’t.” Regulus snapped.
There was something sad in his brother’s eyes when he said that, and for a moment Regulus almost felt bad enough to apologise. It was a short lived feeling.
Sirius sighed in defeat and turned around once more without another word. Regulus watched long enough to see him turn down the road and vanish around the corner before he went back inside. He cast a bitter scowl up at the sky and then locked the front door tightly behind him.
“Regulus, darling, who was that at the door?”
He didn’t turn around at the voice, but his eyes darkened all the same, “No one, mother.”
“The postman has been getting increasingly friendly these days,” his mother mused, “We’ll have to do something about it soon, I think.”
“Yes, mother.”
He turned around and there she was, smiling kindly at him. When she extended her hand for Regulus, he took it and tucked it into his elbow, allowing her to lead him back into the house, “Would you handle that the next time he comes around, dear? I would be so very pleased, and I’m sure you would know exactly what to do.”
Cold dread trickled from his head to the bottom of his toes at that request but he crushed it down until there was nothing left and, instead, nodded.
“Yes, mother.” He said, “I’d be happy to.”
“Wonderful,” his mother smiled. When she looked at him, Regulus could convince himself there was genuine love there in her eyes. Especially when she sat down on the sofa beside him and touched his cheek gently.
“You’re becoming such a wonderful young man, Regulus.” She said, “A true credit to the Black name.”
He should have felt pride at that. It was the sort of praise he had only dreamed of as a child. Something about what his brother had said still rang in his ears though, leaving an unsettling mix of feelings he didn’t want to have to digest. He was proud, he told himself. A valuable asset to the family was all he had ever hoped to be. It was worth feeling good about.
“Thank you, mother,” The words came out so horribly bland and he hated it, “I will continue to become so.”
“I know you will, darling,” his mother replied, “I know you will.”