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Ivan peered into the smooth mirror of the pond, examining his own features, eyes skimming over the neat black hair (his guardian made sure of that), dull dark eyes, mouth relaxed into a line. Curiously blank. Too blank, He reminded himself. At least, that’s what he had been told. His hands went to his face, poking and prodding. Fingers at his mouth, pulling the corners up. Is this how everyone else looks? No, it isn’t right. His own face looked strange.
Unnatural.
This expression was meant to convey joy and enjoyment. Ivan knew it was essential to master if he was going to be a participant in Alien Stage. His guardian had said it was because aliens liked seeing humans make that face. A ‘smile’ was what he had called it. It didn’t make sense to Ivan. It was a contraction of the facial muscles. Why would it represent happiness if he didn’t feel happy when doing it? What even is happiness? He wondered, as he continued to use his fingers to shape his face.
Watching the other kids run around, smile, laugh. It seemed to come so naturally to them. All Ivan could seem to do was force his face to morph into a broken imitation of those faces. Everything else came to him so easily, so why was it, that the most simple thing was the hardest? It wasn’t fair.
The days went on, as he stared, just stared, blankly ahead. At some party Unsha hosted. At Anakt Garden. Even during image training. As he was strapped down, cold metal tugging at the corners of his mouth, as tears pricked his eyes. How could anyone ever use this face to show joy? Ivan thought bitterly. No happiness was found here, not anywhere.
Would he ever find happiness?
One day, a green eyed boy brushed past him, eyes locked on a stemless red flower, drifting through the air, as he went after it. In those eyes held more emotion than Ivan could ever wish to achieve. A name flickered into his mind. Till.
Time seemed to freeze around them and in that second, both of their fates changed forever.
He remembered seeing this boy before. Right when he was brought in from the slums, not yet the pinnacle of perfection. Back when he was lower than dirt, he caught a glimpse of this boy. Had seen those green eyes peering curiously through the glass screen, seen the fluffy gray hair. More importantly, he has seen the large discount signs plastered onto his container. Usually those human pets were worth nothing.
But now Ivan wondered. Why would he be here? It must’ve had something to do with that unrelenting emotion. Yes, those turquoise eyes filled with what he could only identity as hope, that was the key. His emotion was valuable. It made Till from an unwanted creation being sold on a discount to something that was desired, something profitable. It made him have the same value as Ivan. It wasn’t fair, Ivan thought again. All his hard work, all those perfect grades, was balanced, if not outweighed, by natural emotion. He had always known that by smiling, people would like him, value him. Even more than he already was. It was obvious.
And yet-
That was the one thing he could not get right. Ivan could not help the envy spreading through his being, like a disease. Then, something else appeared. More precarious and much more dangerous than simple envy.
Curiosity.
Ivan wanted to know everything about Till. More about what made him tick, what made those expressions come to him so easily, how his face smoothly contorted into the shapes and curves Ivan couldn’t seem to get right, no matter how much he practised.
Soon, Ivan would find himself thinking about Till more often than he would’ve liked. The way he smiled and laughed, exactly the way Ivan’s guardian would have wanted him to. Ivan tried to mimic the faces in the pond each day, to no avail. He wanted to be closer, closer, closer to Till. It wouldn’t work. His goddamned face wouldn’t work. No matter how much he practiced, no matter how many times Unsha would put him through that awful image training. It dawned on Ivan. He would never be able to smile. At least, not as naturally as the others did. Not as naturally as Till did.
Maybe if he could smile, Till would finally see Ivan the way Ivan saw him. But he shook those thoughts away as fast as they had appeared.
It would be a miracle if Till ever saw him at all.