Chapter Text
Shin's life only started to become quiet, he had recognition, new friends, only some occasional fights with the opposite campus. He got used to the pain in his leg eventually. He spends a lot of time with his sister after school. Sometimes Chatjen comes over to help Chingching with homework. It was relatively normal high school life. And he finally started to think he could make more steps forward.
Until he saw him. Again. Just by a mistake.
On that dark gray afternoon, when it couldn't stop raining. He ran down the alley from a group of ten people who really wanted to beat shit out of him. And he grabbed the first person on the street to hide with. Their hands touched, holding Saint's umbrella for the two of them.
"Shin..." Escaped from others lips.
He looked surprised to see who he had in front of him. However, then his expression shifted to a small smirk. Saint was smirking with his more grown up features and taller posture, though they had almost no height difference, Shin felt so small in comparison.
Saint looked so... fuck, so good looking.
All the air left Shin's lungs for a moment. It was like a punch in the chest, the feeling of which he never forgot. At that moment he realized that he was never able to escape out of Saint's grip. Not for the last 3 years and certainly not today.The rest of the memory is blurry, because all Shin thought about was;
Escape... as far as possible.
He is sure he called him some names and almost threw a punch in his face before he left, but it wasn't important at the moment. Because Shin's legs almost gave up as he walked fast to his neighborhood. His breath was shaking, like the rest of his body, he wanted to scream.To burst into tears and shout to the whole world how unfair his life is. But he can't, he won't, he is better than that.
No matter how much he breaks down, it never changes anything. So he will keep his indifferent, repellent pretense. Because he doesn't care, because he mustn't, because he knows it's better this way.
Shin couldn't sleep that night, the rain was still pouring outside and Saint kept crawling back to his thoughts. They aren't 16 anymore, not in the same class, not sharing meals every day, not making pranks on people and running away from mischief. In fact, he doesn't even know what his former friend's life looks like right now.
He shared a bed with Chingching. His little sister slept soundly beside him, while he kept his eyes closed and carefully listened to the sound of heavy raindrops, he felt a lump in his throat that he tried to swallow.
On that day... It was also raining.
It was chilly at night. He felt not just broken in every possible way, but as well cold, that type of cold that sunk in his bones for years. Maybe only at this moment of weakness could Shin admit that maybe, just a little maybe, every rainy day reminded him of Saint. And maybe he might have dropped some tiers of sorrow, for him and his own ruined life.
Saint regretted everything in his life, except Shin. He was the only person who saw him, who understood. But in the end he ran away from him, too afraid to face what he had done. To see how he ruined the only precious person he loved. Time passed but Shin was still present in his thoughts constantly. Everyday he begged for forgiveness to the ghost in his room at night. He was overflowing with remorse.
He walked into the class and sat near the window. A casual day in a boring school, but this time they were waiting for new people to join the class, Udon Pithak dogs, as Ken's friends liked to call them.
Students one by one entered the classroom, and from the first seconds they almost jumped on each other with punches. They all despised one another. This year would be even less peaceful than Saint thought. The teacher started to check the attendance list. Nothing caught his attention except the name he knew better than his own. Shin.
He was absent for the two first classes. And Saint found himself not able to concentrate on anything else than a sharp feeling of expectation. The wait wasn’t long before he saw Shin entering the class. Their eyes mirrored the same feeling of disbelief.
Saint laid on a desk, staring at a familiar figure.He still couldn’t comprehend how he could have missed this. Shin, studying in the opposite campus.
He stared at him an unhealthy amount of time and missed all words addressed to him from a teacher. When Shin broke an eye contact, Saint took a chance to put a small folded piece of paper on his desk. Shin already knew from who this note is so he quickly scanned words written there:
After school near an ice cream shop?
He tore paper apart and threw it on the floor. Eying the author of this pitiful note, he mouthed words not saying them out loud:
I hate ice cream, assehole.
Saint couldn't just take this rejection, so he decided to follow Shin wherever. The two of them stood up at the same time and left the classroom right away after the end of a class. Shin didn't need to guess who followed him. Only one person exists who's clingy like that.
"What's wrong with them? Do they even know each other?" Airy sat on her desk and threw legs on the chair.
"Shin seems more pissed off than usual," someone added. More gossip filled the classroom and the heavy atmosphere between two campuses heated up.
Speeding up his pace, Shin came to a rooftop, but with unwanted company of course. It was windy and the sun blinded him. It was frustrating, he couldn't ignore Saint standing right behind him. Taking steps towards him, he threw jacket over his shoulder and made an annoyed sound.
"Why are you here?" he tried to make him sound as uninterested as he could.
“I want to clear some things between us,” answered Saint.
"I'm sincerely sorry about what happened... It was so wrong, I'll give everything away just to come back and fix what I did. I'm... awful, but I'll never let such a mistake slip in the future. I missed you, so bad, you can't even imagine...There are second chances. And I know it's selfish to even ask for it! But, if only you give me one... " It felt like he said these words thousands of times in his head, but it still felt foreign to hear them flow from his heart.
Shin laughed, he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
Took you a long time, he thought.
"Shin, believe me" his begging eyes caused a flip of Shin's stomach. The laughter died in his throat.
"I’m not letting you in my life again! You said you will stay with me forever! And I was young and naive to believe this!" Shin spoke.
One step closer.
"There is no forever" sadness soaked in Saint's words.
"Oh, of course, I know, how could I not, you showed it to me personally."
Second step forward.
"But, there is us, who decide till what moment we stay together" Saint’s voice was full of hope.
"Don't be foolish, there was never 'us' ", Shin frowned his eyebrows.
Third step and they're only 10 centimeters apart.
They got distracted by the sound of footsteps, it was Eve and Peeta. They run to the rooftop, concerned for the safety of their friend. Girls stopped right in front of Shin and pushed him on the shoulder.
"What do you think you are doing!" shouted Eve, she always was short-tempered.
"Stop fighting any other person! If you have a problem with Saint, it means you also have a problem with us" her friend agreed..
"How sweet, you got new friends?" Shin snorted.
"Eve, Peeta it's fine, we are not fighting" Saint assured the girls.
Shin didn't want to hear more of the nagging of Saint's "friends". He left, letting the other three of them continue their chit chat.
On the next break Shin planned to pretend he is asleep and not give a shit about this new presence of a problematic human being beside him. But life never went easy on him.
"Hey, Saint!" It was Nate who greeted Saint with a slap on the back of his head. Ken's gang surrounded the desk.
Following the sound, Shin sharply turned his head in their direction.Carefully eying Nate.
Saint looked up with annoyed glare. His jaw clenched a little, but he didn't say a word. Teasing continued and it was obvious that they looked down on Saint. He sat still and took all sharp words and rude gestures, not interested in the situation.
Now Shin was slightly confused, why would he act like this. It was annoying. Seeing him act all patient and.. and weak! Saint may be a coward but he is far from this helpless image he is trying to show right now. If he wanted to, he could snap their necks easily. Shin's blood boiled inside, so he tried to leave this hellish classroom. It was suffocating him.
But suddenly he felt someone's hand tighten on his wrist, and he knew straight away who, this feeling of how their hands perfectly fitted for each other. He took a shaky breath in and closed his eyes. He slapped hand away and turned face to face to Saint.
"Fuck off" he spat words in his face hopping the message is well understood.
"Wait, Shin-" He was cut off by Ken pushing him aside and standing instead of him near Shin.
"Look who is here, I almost forgot you were there, Tsunami in his own presence, how fucking entertaining" Ken wore an ugly smirk on his face, glowing with his usual fake confidence.
"Can't say the same, this place stinks of dirty Thep Burapha bastards all over" he defiantly wrinkled his nose.
Ken was a moment away from throwing a punch in his face, when Saint's hand caught the back of his collar and pushed him aside.
"It's enough Ken", it was a hoarse voice that no one heard from Saint before. But Shin knew it well, whenever he was angry, his voice changed to low tones.
"Huh", Shin rolled his eyes and snorted.
His gaze fell on Saint's concerned expression. He wanted to laugh, so he did. Quietly and almost hysterically, he needed to cover his mouth with a hand, not to break his character completely.
The twins lost their patience and started to throw punches at him, but they never came. All of them were caught by Saint, he didn't fight back as he could, he did enough just to stop them from hurting Shin.
They can’t hurt you, I will never let you feel the same pain that I caused you in the past.
Nobody but me...
And he hurt him badly, and he will make sure It will never happen again. Not when Saint finally can have him back.
The whole classroom now resembled a fight field, everything was a mess. Teachers hurried to stop students from violence, at first when teacher Jan shouted, nobody reacted, but following with teacher Sung who loudly hit the desk, students started to cool down and pulled away from each other's throats. With a lot of effort from teachers, teenagers calmed down.
Shin had disheveled hair and fogged gaze, he was out of breath. He continued to run his hand through his hair, making it even messier. And Saint was mesmerized for a moment, his hand twitched in a strong urge to pat his hair, to ruin it more, to see how soft it is. He tilted his body closer to Shin, without knowing what to expect from himself. In Shin's eyes fleshed a spark of panic and with a rude gesture he slapped his head to turn it away.
" I said fuck off", he hissed, only for Saint to hear.
Now they were standing all in the middle of the classroom, while teacher Sung was having a parenting speech about their behavior. Nobody paid attention, Ken's gang was making rude remarks as always, Chatjen was silently standing near Udon Pithak girls, who at that time were making small conversations. Whereas, Thep Burapha girls were glaring with venom and furry at them. It seemed like everybody minded their own business.
They were at the end of a class, having everybody else in front of them. Saint was standing in brief touch with Shin’s shoulder. And he couldn't stop looking at him. At this older version of him. Taller, stronger, still as handsome but with tired eyes full of malice. When he caught a glimpse of his eyes again, the deep brown pupils consumed him mercilessly. Different thoughts took over his last peace of sanity for a moment. Looking forward without any slip of emotion, Saint reached slowly for the hand of a person who stood next to him. He felt a little twitch of Shin's hand, but he didn't move away, he stood very still, holding his breath, and having a wild look on his face that now turned in his direction.
His eyes. Thought Saint. Always told me more than his words.
It was only a faint touch of fingers, brushing the traces of their palm, just a second of physical contact. But Shin's head spun like crazy. The face of a person whom he could recognize out of a millions, stood right there, with such a soft gaze. Shin follows an old path of wandering with his eyes, catching every detail, small scar on the forehead, a mole near his left eye, hair falling and covering a little bit of his vision. It feels so familiar.
" Hey..." said Saint, so quietly, he almost didn't catch it.
Shin felt his warm breath near his ear. He could smell his shampoo and cologne mixed together, it sent shivers down his spine. He couldn't bare to look at Saint longer, he knows he will do something stupid for sure. Swallowing hard, he looked away.
Everything went to their places as this slow moment passed. People started to move around the classroom to their places and the school bell rang loudly. They were once more separated by distance and these high guarded walls Shin builded around himself.
They weren't new to holding hands or hugging each other, it felt right to hold each other, back then...However this touch felt new, heavy with all unspoken words. How could it be different?
But it was.
It held more sense behind it, maybe it's been a while since he felt somebody's weight of a hand on his or maybe they grew up, and so are their feelings.
Following weeks they were having the same pattern each day, Saint who followed Shin in every given opportunity when he was alone, to apologize, and talk to him, and Shin who was on the line of acting like he doesn't exist or occasionally trying to throw fists in his face. The main word is trying because every time he fails to.
Deep inside he knows why he isn't capable of hurting Saint the way he did. His feelings are a mess, hatred seems to burn his lungs, but it keeps extinguishing each time Saint is using this desperate voice of his. Of course, he wants him to feel guilty, to feel this pain. But somehow all of this doesn't matter, because he isn't able to stop this yearning that he feels.
It was Friday, in the middle of classes Shin went to a small alley for a smoke. He always makes sure not to smoke right before he goes home, he doesn’t want Chingching to smell those awful cigarettes. This bad habit became more addictive with each time. It was right behind the school, so chances of seeing someone from his class was high. But he really needed that god damn cigarette. He flicked the rest of it on the ground and took the second one. But before he could light it somebody grabbed it from his hand. With quick movement they lit it and took a long pull.
"What the fuck??" Shin furiously took his cigarette back.
"If you want to smoke, don't steal mine, you prick. And since when do you fucking smoke Saint?"
"I don't, never liked the feeling", he leaned on the wall behind and tilted his head in Shin direction.
"Fucking annoying", he took one more pull of the cigarette and threw it away, stepping on it after.
"You ruined the whole mood" Walking past Saint he pushed his shoulder.
"Shin." He caught his hand and pulled him back.
But he had enough, he pushed him in the chest, and Saint met the wall painfully.
"So what? You wanna be friends again Saint, how could you do this to me?"
"Let me remind you something, nothing ever worked out between us, you were a shitty friend!" Shin spoke louder with each word.
"I'm sorry! I said it millions of times and I will do anything for you to forgive me!" Saint shouted back.
Shin was silently staring at him.
"Shin, I will even gladly die for you! You can shred me into pieces, and I will happily accept it." This time that was said with such hurtful honesty, even Saint was surprised by how much he meant it. Shin winced with a painful expression on his face, why is this idiot so unbearable. Doesn't he know when to shut his mouth? Stubborn and unreasonable.
like always, thought Shin.
No, he can't let his thoughts go in this direction.
Saint silently stared at him for a long moment, it felt like this glare was cutting him deeper than he thought it's possible. With all those memories when they were okay, when those same eyes were smiling with softness to him, when he lastly felt sincere happiness. He keeps reminding himself how awful this person is, how violent he can be, how selfish he is. The more he spins in memories of the past, the more he understands how many habits he picked up from this bastard, such a bad influence indeed...
He hated his stupid face, his slightly ruffled hair, his puppy eyes, how pointed his jaw became when he was angry, and last but not the least, the sparks of excitement in his eyes when he saw him across the classroom.
Shin feels his presence everywhere, he starts to go crazy with each day, Saint is a painful reminder of the past that will never let him go. And with each passing day, it's harder to ignore how much he preferred staying with him than without.
"Shin? Are you here?" Chatjen called from afar. The bell rang 5 minutes ago and left unnoticed by two of the figures that stared into each other's eyes longer than needed.
Shin roughly pushed Saint away, after seeing how close their faces were all this time.
"Don't show your stupid face in front of me again, you understand?" he pocked him in the chest with a forefinger with enough strength for it to hurt.
Turning on the heel he left others standing in this small alley, surrounded by old broken furniture and the sharp smell of cigarettes.
Saint looked down at the spot where he was just pocked and traced it with his fingertips.
The leftover feeling of Shin's touch.