Work Text:
The day you met me, you were indifferent. You smiled because it was your duty to, but I could tell you had other things to worry about rather than meet and greet a scrawny little fire fairy in the middle of the school year.
I was no mind fairy, certainly not a powerful one like you, but I could tell you were wondering where I came from so suddenly, with very little warning, and why I appeared out of literally nowhere 4 months into the new school year. I could also tell you didn’t like it. You welcomed all students but you didn’t like it that the ever so carefully organised school year was turned upside down because now you suddenly had a brand new fairy you needed to make space for.
And I understood that. I wanted to tell you that I wasn’t any happier about being in Alfea than you were about your schedule being disturbed but Queen Luna left no room for argument for either of us.
Despite your lack of enthusiasm and welcoming, I instantly found your office to be the most comforting and warming place in the whole of Alfea. It was funny, how your office offered me more comfort than you, knowing what Queen Luna told you about me, but in your defence, it wasn’t your fault she left a lot of things out. That she lied to you because she needed you to take me in and that I was forced to do the same. But in our defence, those lies were to protect me.
You tested me, had me doing all sorts of magic tricks and made a mental note of the use of my powers, the strength of my fire magic. After you decided I demonstrated enough, you dismissed me. You told me to go and wait outside and I did.
I heard you talking. You didn’t even bother to lower your voice or hide your displeasure with the situation. You were raging, said that I would do better in another school, that Alfea wasn’t for me because I lacked ambition. You did everything but call me a burden. You didn’t have to. The way you were talking it was clear that’s what you were thinking.
You didn’t like the answer Luna gave you, ordering you to accept the reality of the situation. You tried to argue, reason your way out of it. Every fibre of your being went against me joining Alfea for some reason but Luna didn’t budge. She even went as far as to threaten you with your position, reminding you just how fragile your place as headmistress of Alfea was and who put you there. Reluctantly you accepted, but it left a bitter taste between us.
The day you fell in love with me was unexpected for the both of us. It had been almost 3 years since I came to Alfea and you made it your personal mission to pretend I don’t exist. You made a point to see right through me in classes and not even try to hide your distaste when I didn’t meet your expectations when it came to demonstrating my magic. You thought I was weak. That I didn’t even try and I couldn’t exactly tell you the reason why I wasn’t trying. Part of it was your comment you made the day I arrived. That I lacked ambition. It stuck with me. I decided not to try and impress you because you decided I wasn’t worth your time and attention before even knowing me and what I was capable of.
Despite having made a few friends in the school, I didn’t feel like I belonged. You thought I didn’t and you held firmly onto your opinion. I didn’t blame you anymore. At first, I did for making a snap judgement, but now, with me doing the bare minimum, I only confirmed your point and couldn’t hold it against you anymore.
Even though my bare minimum was better than most fairy’s maximum.
I tried to fit in. My friends did their best to make me feel more at ease but I knew as long as you thought I had no place being in Alfea, I would never feel home.
Then one day, you looked at me and I saw the shift in your eyes. I noticed the longing in them and knew it immediately. It was familiar because it was the same longing I saw in my own eyes whenever I looked into the mirror with you on my mind.
I had no idea when or how it happened. One day, I looked at you and it was like you were a different person. Suddenly, you were someone I could imagine myself with. I looked at you and I saw something more than I did the night before. The bitter taste has turned sour, the distaste into longing.
And I could tell you were confused about it too because when you looked at me, it was like your frown was carved on your face. Ever so present, your busy brain trying to figure out the moment you saw something more than you did before. The questions that ran through your mind were written on your face. I could hear your thoughts screaming “When? How? Why?” And I could tell you didn’t like it. You fought it and you did put up an impressive fight. You no longer pretended I didn’t exist, instead, you went out of your way to avoid me. But I caught you looking at me. Whenever you thought I wasn’t looking, I felt you. A few times, you even used your mind magic to gently prod my mind, thinking you were careful enough not to get caught. But I felt it. I felt your magic caressing my mind, trying to find any clue about the nature of my feelings for you. I didn’t say anything, but when I lifted my eyes to look in your direction, you quickly averted your eyes.
I was just as confused, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t understand why you would suddenly, out of nowhere, develop feelings for someone who you seemed to despise with everything inside you. You didn’t as much as look at me in the past 3 years since I became a student in Alfea unless you absolutely had to. How could you fall in love with someone you didn’t even spare a glance for, not even for a second?
But you must’ve been looking after all. So what changed?
Eventually, you couldn’t resist the pull. And while I did a pretty good job going against every molecule in my body, screaming at me to go to you, you could hardly fight your growing feelings for me.
It was obvious it frustrated you. It didn’t take a mind fairy to notice the signs. You hated that you wanted to be near me. You hated the butterflies in your stomach whenever you were around me. You hated how your body began to tremble with your nerves on fire each time you leaned closer to me to help me with something. How your shaky voice wouldn’t work, nor would the words you were trying to speak. You hated how you wanted to hold my hand and play with my fingers or how you wanted them in your hair. You hated how your eyes would always seek mine and how you never noticed the golden freckles in my brown eyes or the golden strays that laced my red hair. You hated how badly you wanted to comb your fingers through it and the way you were mesmerised whenever the sunlight danced on me, bringing out the gold in my eyes and hair.
You hated how you never noticed my full lips, how you wanted to kiss them, or the way I scrunched my nose whenever I was frustrated. But most of all, you hated how much you needed me and how much you needed me to need you back. To want you back the way you wanted me.
And I did. I needed you and I wanted you. And I hated it too. I hated that I no longer wanted to be in the background. I hated that you were the only person I felt like I could breathe around. I hated that I needed you to like me in order for me to be able to fit in.
I hated that I loved you, as much as you loathed that you loved me.
And we both hated the way our first kiss felt so right.
The day you found out I wasn’t just a simple fire fairy, you felt betrayed. You were furious. You thought I was deceiving you for not telling you sooner I was a sunset fairy. The one and only living sunset fairy in the entire Otherworld. A myth came to life.
And you were right to. I lied to you. If it wasn’t for the Burned Ones attacking Alfea, I probably would’ve never told you about who I really was. I had become so accustomed to playing being a fire fairy, that some days I believed it was the real me.
You didn’t understand. You demanded I tell you why I lied to you. You told me I had no right to keep it from you, not just as my lover but as my headmistress. That you had the right to know because how could you protect me if you didn’t know the truth.
Your eyes shot daggers at me, overpowering the love you always looked at me with, but you were still willing to protect me, now more than ever. Not just because you loved me but because you felt it was your duty to make sure I was unharmed and safe.
I wanted to apologise and beg for your forgiveness but I knew in my heart the reason why I never told you. It was a risk I would’ve taken, risking my own life even though I knew you would’ve given yours to protect me. I knew that but I guess I didn’t want you to give your life for mine. I didn’t feel like I had the right to ask you for that by telling you I was a walking target. It was better that way, because if you didn’t know, you weren’t in danger. They couldn’t hurt you for something you didn’t know. It was safe, you were safe… or at least that was my trail of thought.
I guess what hurt you the most was that I didn’t trust you enough to tell you. Maybe you were right. Maybe loving someone didn’t equal automatically trusting them. Because I knew I loved you, I never doubted it. And I knew you loved me too, more than you ever thought you were capable of loving anyone. But was it truly enough? To share a secret like mine was? How was I supposed to know you would understand? There was no way for me to know whether you would have accepted it or decided it was something you wanted no part in? Or maybe I didn’t want to risk losing you. I took your right to choose for yourself away and you should have hated me for that. Because I was selfish and I made that choice for you by keeping my true identity a secret. I should’ve let you decide for yourself, even if I ended up losing you.
You fought with me. After I defeated the Burned Ones, you took me to your office and shouted at me. I took it silently, knowing you needed to let it out. Knowing that you felt your trust was broken. Ordered me as my headmistress that I tell you everything about me and my powers. At that moment, you weren’t someone I shared my bed with. You weren’t someone I kissed goodnight every night and woke up with every morning. You were Farah Dowling, Headmistress of Alfea. You were lied to by me and the Queen. And it hurt you and made you angry. No. You were raging.
Eventually you understood my reasons. You calmed down and began to think rationally. You put yourself in my shoes and you understood why I kept everything from you. You asked me to never lie to you and I promised I never did. Everything I told you, everything I felt for you was true. It was only the type of fairy I was born that was kept a secret. I was still me, that never changed. You accepted my apology and you still loved me. Now more than ever. And I trusted you.
The day you found out I wasn’t going to live past 25, I saw the light fade from your eyes. It wasn’t gradual, little by little, one day at a time, no, it was like someone flicked a switch inside you and everything went dark. It was as if someone took the sun away and you were left in constant shadows.
You couldn’t believe it or didn’t want to believe it. Either way I didn’t blame you. I couldn’t blame you. You just found out the love of your life was dying. That I was going to die by the end of the year and there was nothing you could have done about it.
I had just turned 24 and you could hardly make peace with knowing you only had a year left with me. That I won’t grow old with you like I promised you I would. That the life I promised to give you was nothing but an illusion and it was shattered like a mirror and it was me who threw the rock and watched the pieces fall.
Once again, you felt betrayed. I deceived you by keeping this from you. You reminded me I promised to never lie again and here I was, keeping things from you… again. And I hated myself for that. I truly did. I hated myself for wanting to believe I could be with you until the ends of time. But I had a reason, not a good one but it was enough to keep me going. I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to convince myself that I won’t die before I turn 25, that I can have dreams, make plans for the future. That I could get married to the woman I loved, have kids together. And I wanted to give you happiness, pure happiness, even if it only lasted a limited amount of time. I guess I wanted to protect you, but again, all I did was take your choice away. I thought I was doing the right thing, I swear! And you have no idea how sorry I was, how much I hated myself in that moment, watching you fall apart in front of me. I wanted to give you the life you wanted, instead I gave you a glimpse of a life you could never have.
You told me I was cruel. You yelled at me, told me things you didn’t mean. I know you didn’t mean them, I promise. You cursed me for letting you fall in love with me. I had no idea, it wasn’t like I went out of my way to make you love me. It was the opposite, actually. You were just angry and I understand. I would be out of my mind too if the woman I loved the most told me she won’t live to see what our future looked like. Loving me was a losing game and you played it, not knowing you never stood a winning chance.
Your whole world has just been snatched from under your feet and you felt like the whole room was spinning. I watched your knees buckle and sink down onto the floor. You cried, so hard you couldn’t speak, couldn’t breath and my heart broke at the sight of your body shaking oh so violently with the way you sobbed. It broke me just how badly I wanted to take the pain away but I couldn’t. But what broke even more was that I gave you that pain. I caused your tears and the pain in your chest. I will never forgive myself for making you feel the way I promised to never do.
I wanted to go to you. For a moment, I hesitated. Would you want me to? I wasn’t sure but my body moved on its own accord and I found out the answer to my internal question a moment later. No, you didn’t. Not at that moment. I sank down to my knees as well, slowly crawling over to where you sat with your back against your desk. I reached out to touch you but you jerked away. Slapped my hand and told me to never touch you again, to get out. Not going to lie, it hurt. But I can imagine it didn’t hurt nearly as much as what you just found out.
I sat there with you in silence a little longer. It hurt me. Your silence hurt me more than your angry words pounding on my heart. I wished you’d go back to yelling and shouting but you just sat there. I waited a moment before trying to reach out again. You flinched away, again, looking at me with all the hatred in your eyes you could conjure from your entire body. It was a lot of hatred and it took my breath away. You told me to get out repeatedly until my legs finally moved and I left your office. I didn’t know where else to go so I went back to my room, your favourite place in the whole of Alfea. You escaped there so many times with me. You said this was the only place where your thoughts calmed down, where there wasn’t constant noise in your head. With me, in my bed, in your head there was finally quiet and peace.
It was funny how my favourite place in the school remained to be your office since the day I stepped into it first. Despite the way you were to me, your office is what comes to my mind when I hear the word home.
I don’t know how long it was before I heard someone knock on my door. It was dark outside already and I must’ve fallen asleep because the knock gave me fright, startling me awake. I prayed it would be you and my prayers had been answered a moment later as you stepped into my room with your eyes red, your face stained with your dry tears. You didn’t bother to undress as you climbed into my bed and immediately latched onto me. Your arm wrapped itself around my waist and you pulled me so impossibly close, I couldn’t breathe for a moment, and buried your face in my neck. I slid my arm under your head and wrapped my other arm around your waist, not saying anything. There wasn’t anything that could’ve made this better. I closed my eyes when I felt your silent tears, cursing myself for being this cruel.
You didn’t deserve this. You didn’t deserve to fall in love with someone who couldn’t give you the future you deserved. The best thing I could do was hold while you silently cried.
When you spoke, you sounded defeated. It was so painful to hear you talk so broken and sad.
You said that you refused to believe it, that you’ll have to go on without me. You said you couldn’t do it. That I was everything you now lived for and that you would die with me. You begged me to search for a cure, to fight. To fight for myself, to fight for us. You begged me to hold on and not to give up on us. Because I had so much to live for. I don’t think you understood that it wasn’t my choice. That I wanted nothing more than to love you until I grew old, until my hair turned grey and I couldn’t breathe for myself anymore. I don’t think you understood that you were the air I breathed and that I would’ve given anything for even as little as an extra year with you on top of what I have left. To love you and have you love me just a little longer.
You hated me for telling you there was no cure and lashed out, again. I understood, I truly did. I know you needed it. I knew you needed it. There was no right or wrong way to cope because how do you come to terms with something like this? Of loving someone as fiercely as you loved me and then it suddenly stops. From one day to another, that person ceases to exist and you have no way of giving that love that was raging inside you. It would kill you, I know it. It killed me just to think about it, I could’ve never even begun to imagine how you must’ve felt. What were you going to do with all that love inside you and no one to give it until there was physically no love left to give?
You cried the whole night when it finally sank in that nothing could save me. You were quiet after you yelled at me, your brain desperately trying to process everything. You were so smart, so intelligent. The smartest person I’ve ever known and yet your brain struggled to catch up with everything that’s been said. You could easily whip out a schedule for two whole school years with a snap of a finger, or work out the financial paperwork for the entirety of Solaria, but this you couldn’t come to terms with. How could anyone really?
The sour taste has turned bittersweet.
All I could do was hold you. I held you, promised you the only thing I could, which was my love and devotion to you for as long as I lived. I held you, even though it should’ve been you holding me. But I suppose I made my peace with dying, while you were led to believe we were forever. And I hated myself for that. For doing this to you.
The day you let me go was one of the worst days of your life, if not the worst. You held me through the night and you never wanted to let me go. You cried while you made love to me for one last time, kissed me like I was the air you breathed. I cried too.
You wanted me to stay until I died but I didn’t want that. I didn’t want you to watch me fade away, to watch me withering away like a flower. I wanted you to remember me as I was, while I was still somewhat me. You said you didn’t care. That you will always remember me this way. That you won’t let the memories of me on my last days make you forget the day you thought of me as beautiful for the first time.
You said you remembered it very well. It was at the Stone Circle and you had the class demonstrate our power displays. You said you could hardly focus on them because your eyes kept shifting to me and my hair. You said the way the sunlight of the Golden Hour hit my golden red hair reminded you of the sunset. Then the fireflies showed up and they surrounded me and you were speechless for a moment. You didn’t understand what that was about but when you found out I was a sunset fairy, I explained to you how the fireflies were drawn to me like a moth to a flame. They would stick with me, and could even display my emotions. That’s why they were flickering brighter the moment our eyes met over the Vessel, they mirrored the way my heart beat wildly and my emotions flared.
You said when it was my turn, you held your breath. You said you’ve never seen a fire display that beautiful and it was the first time you ever complimented me in class. Of course, you didn’t know then that the Golden Hour boosted my powers so you simply thought I had stopped being a brat and began to make an effort. To this day, you still laugh at it.
I convinced you to let me go. To let me live my final days somewhere else because it was what I wanted. You promised me everything just to keep me here. Not willing to let the only thing go you loved more than Alfea and being its headmistress.
You promised to marry me, knowing it’s all I wanted. To be your wife. You promised to give me a wedding and a chance to walk down the aisle, to declare our love for each other but I knew I couldn’t do that to you. You were desperate but being a wife to someone who would die in just a short amount of time? It was even more cruel than keeping this whole thing from you. I couldn’t expect you to be a wife that only got to be with her other half for a limited amount of time.
Eventually, when no amount of crying or begging would change my mind, you accepted it. You had to accept it. There was no other option. I would’ve gone either way, the difference was that had you not accepted it, I would’ve slipped away in the middle of the night.
You walked me to the edge of the forest and you kissed me. You kissed me like you never kissed me before and you whispered promises of love and happiness. We both knew it wasn’t true and they were promised that can’t be kept but I didn’t care. You needed it and so I let you believe in a lie for your sake. For one last time.
You promised you will love me forever. That you will never move on and will never love anyone because I ruined it for you. That there won’t ever be anyone like me again. The love you held for me will die with me. That it will be mine forever.
I couldn’t let you do that. I wanted you to be happy, I needed you to be happy. I made you promise me that you will move on, that you won’t close yourself off from loving another. You cried even harder, held me tighter. I rested my forehead against yours and caressed your face while I spoke to you gently. I told you that I didn’t want you to be alone. That I wanted you to find someone who could give you what I couldn’t. I wanted you to have a future with someone, to love someone until your heart gave up. You refused, kept telling me that it was impossible to love again after me. That your heart will forever beat for me and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone else because you would always look for me in them. I wasn’t giving up and gradually, you gave in.
Reluctantly, you promised you won’t resist if someone else came along but you made it your point to tell me you won’t be looking for it. And honestly, it was the best I could get out of you. So I took that. It was good enough.
You watched me walk away, silently praying that I would turn around and look back and cried when I didn’t. You didn’t know but I stayed around. I did turn back but I made sure you couldn’t see me. I tried to be strong for you but I was even weaker than you. I couldn’t let go of you as easily as I made it out to be.
I watched you stay in the same spot for hours. I watched you as you kept staring in the direction I disappeared. It wasn’t until it was well after dark that you finally made your way back to Alfea.
The next few days, I watched you as you returned to the same spot every morning. You waited for me in case I came back. Sometimes, you screamed for me, shouted my name and begged me to come back. Each time, your voice broke and you cried, the sound of your heartbroken sobs reached me where I sat. You told me you missed me and that you would do anything to have me back. You begged me to let you take care of me.
You would sit down after a while and talk to me. You told me about the time you caught me doodling you or the time you came to the library, knowing I was there, only to be able to watch me study. You said you knew it was borderline stalkerish but you didn’t care.
You apologised for the comment you made on the day you met me. You were wrong, you knew that now. You said you were sorry for ignoring me for almost 3 years. That you made me feel like I didn’t belong when it wasn’t what you as the headmistress stood for. You were meant to guide me, not pretend I didn’t exist.
You would sit and talk for hours, crying every now and then. You would throw a tantrum and tell me you hated me and hoped you’d never see me again when all your pleas were unanswered. Then you would cry even harder and desperately try to tell me you didn’t mean a word of it and my absence was killing you. That you couldn’t cope with me not being there with you. That you loved me so deeply, it physically hurt you knowing I was out here, on my own and not with you.
You would sit there all day if it wasn’t for Saul coming to get you. Telling you that you needed to eat because you stopped going for meals. That if it wasn’t for him, you wouldn’t eat at all. Sometimes, you would tell him where to go. That you needed to stay in case I came back and I needed you. But Saul knew better and deep down, you knew it too.
Sometimes, you would go with him but return less than two hours later. I didn’t know how you managed to get away from your headmistress duties but I could only assume you made Saul and Ben take over the school while you mourned me. I knew you needed time but I assumed you would throw yourself into work and your duties. I was wrong. You didn’t lie when you said you loved me more than being Alfea’s headmistress. That I truly was the one you loved like nothing else in this universe.
Then, you cried less. As the days went by, you stayed less, took you longer to come back. You would still come in the morning, wish me good morning and tell me how much you loved me and missed me and the same at night but you stayed away longer in between.
Soon, Saul didn’t have to come to get you, you left on your own.
And one day, you didn’t come back at all.
The day I came back to you, you swore to never let me go again. You couldn’t believe your eyes when I walked into your office.
At first, you didn’t look up. You invited whoever knocked on your door to come in, as if you were on autopilot. Your voice was so flat and held no emotion, it broke my heart hearing what my absence did to you. I couldn’t say a word either so I just stood there, looking at you, like that was the first time I’ve ever laid my eyes on you. And gods, you were beautiful, as gorgeous as the day I fell in love with you.
You were doing some paperwork, furiously writing something and I debated whether I should just leave. But I knew I couldn’t leave you again, not after seeing you after all this time.
I have missed you so much.
When I still didn’t say anything, you looked up, ready to snap at whoever bothered you. But when your eyes found me, your jaw dropped, your eyes widened. You couldn’t even form a sentence or say a single word. You immediately teared up, the sight of me in your office overwhelming you and your brain.
You thought you were hallucinating. That you were finally going mad or maybe you spent way too much time in your office, trying to ignore reality. But I took a step closer and called your name and, after what felt like an eternity, you finally made a move. You stood up and walked over to me, pulling me into a tight hug. You held me as if you were afraid I would disappear again, as if you were scared this was just a dream, and you would wake up in our bed again, alone.
It had been over a year and you didn’t change. You were still as elegant as ever, your hair still in one of your complicated styles.
And you never moved on, never tried to replace the hole I left in your chest. And for once, I was happy you didn’t keep your promise, although I wouldn’t have held it against you if you did. You thought I was dead, you never expected me to come back to you.
For a moment, you were angry. Angry that I didn’t come back to you sooner, angry that I left you at all. Angry that you still loved me because I caused you so much pain.
But no amount of anger could outdo the love you felt for me and the happiness of having me back.
You took my appearance in, made notes of my hair, my eyes, ran your thumb over my bottom lip as you held my face. Your eyes followed its movements, drank me in like you were wandering the desert for the past year and you just found your oasis now finally. And you kissed me like I was water, drinking every drop of me. You kissed me like you were drowning and you finally came up for air, breathing me in. You kissed me like I was your lifeline and you needed nothing more than to hold onto me and never let me go.
You asked me how it was possible I was still alive. Why did I wait so long to come back to you, and honestly? I had no answer for that. I had no idea why I wasn’t dead. I should’ve been but I wasn’t. I had a theory but I had no evidence to support that claim.
I was travelling the realm for a while. I wanted to do something for myself before I died, something that wouldn’t leave anyone heartbroken when I was gone. I met an elderly fairy who recognised the signs of a sunset fairy. She immediately knew what I was and told me the story of my people.
I was born from a line of Sunset fairies. Sunset fairies eventually evolved into fire or light fairies. I don’t know how, but when I was born, my sunset genes were activated, making me the only living sunset fairy in the Otherworld. My curse was to not see another day after turning 25.
You were born from a line of Midnight fairies as mine fairies came from their line. Your curse was to only love once and never after. That’s why you couldn’t move on, because you found your soulmate. When you find your soulmate and you fall in love, your lifeline becomes one with the one you love.
I believe it was my soulmate who kept me alive and I believe it was you. You kept me alive. The moment we fell in love, my Sun magic activated the Midnight magic in you. Our life lines became one. As long as you were alive, so was I. As long as I had you, you had me too.
You cried and told me how much you missed me and how badly you wanted to come after me the day I left. That now, we can grow old together and have dreams for the future. You wanted to marry me immediately and began to talk about having kids. I told you to slow down but you just laughed. You picked me up and spun me around, your arms holding me tight. I’ve never been happier in my life than I was at that moment. I was finally home, not just in your office, but in your arms. I finally belonged.
You made me promise that I will never leave you again and I promised you that as long as our hearts beat the same, I will always be with you.