Chapter Text
There’s something off about Mizuki.
It’s just like that evening on the train. That same evening where I opened my groggy eyes to see light streaming down onto those plush-covered seats; where those dancing golden rays seemed to fondle Kanade’s hair, waltz around Mafuyu’s skirt, and caress Mizuki’s face… her pale face.
It was the first time I’ve ever seen her like that. So distant, so… vulnerable. It didn’t feel like Mizuki at all.
I thought after that talk on the rooftop, she felt safe, and I had done enough. That she could be her unburdened self again. That the Mizuki I saw would just be a distant memory.
But that Mizuki had come back.
I sigh and collapse into my chair, the faint glow of the monitor still burned into my eyes. It would be nice to doze off just for now. To take this off my mind for a little while.
But the fresh notification on my desktop certainly didn’t think so. My legs swing lazily off the floor as I slide right back to my desk.
[Ena, we’re online. Are you coming today?]
Right. It was 25:00. Grabbing my pair of headphones, I click the ‘unmute’ button as familiar chatter streams into my ears.
“It’s good to see you, Ena.”
“Yeah.”
“Yahoo, Enanan!”
Again with that voice. It sounded so familiar, so cutesy, yet so off. Almost like the words were twisted ever so slightly. Kanade’s warmth, Mafuyu’s frailness, I could hear it loud and clear. But Mizuki’s sparkle… felt just a little bit different.
“I’ve finished the demo now.”
“Oh, good.” I mumble to myself. A new file pops up on my screen, and I give it two short taps of my mouse. Melodies weave and wrap around my ears, spiraling around and around and cusping my soul. The bells stop chiming, and in comes a piano solo, ever so delicate and warm, and I close my eyes. God, Kanade’s wonderful. It's like she’s beside me, whispering into my soul that it’s going to be all fine, that she'll be with us no matter what. The inky black landscape that I see quiets down, if just for now.
When I opened my eyes, Kanade had already uploaded the scores to the project. “So, what did you think?”
“I liked it.”
I bring my microphone close. “Yeah, it’s so cozy. It sounds like something only you would make, Kanade.”
Her faint smile could be heard over the voice call. “I’m glad. Mafuyu, I made this song for you. We're all so happy you were able to move forward with your father. So… it means a lot to me that you enjoyed it.”
Hold on, but there was someone missing, wasn't there?
“Wait, Mizuki, what do you think of the song?
Mizukiii? You there?”
“...
I thought it was really good! I've already got an idea for the music video, so I’ll send you the storyboard in a moment, o-kay?”
What’s wrong with her?
“..Mm, okay.”
“Ena?” It was Kanade. “You alright? You sound a bit different than usual.”
“No, no, I’m fine. It's just that Akito’s been bothering me lately.”
The voice that followed wasn't Kanade’s, but Mizuki’s. “Haha, sounds like your family alright! Let’s all work hard today then!”
It didn't make any sense.
If Kanade could notice even the slightest change in her voice, how come she didn't say anything about Mizuki? Especially when she’s been like this for days - no, weeks. Especially when she didn't sound like herself at all.
Or maybe it’s all in my head.
Forget it. Just focus on drawing. But the warmth I felt from Kanade’s song was gone, and with it, my inspiration. I screw open my pen, then stop. My highlighter falls from my shelf, and I pick it back up. My hands wander back to the pen, uncapping the lid, then turning my sketchbook to a blank page.
But then, why did she-
I said forget it.
Picking up my pen, I try to recall what Kanade said. Something about moving forward. Think, Ena, think. You just need to put down something on the page. But my hand refuses to move. I put the song on loop and mute myself, hoping it would all quiet down again. My eyes stare at that blank sheet of paper. My mind was somewhere else.
Two hours had passed, and I still hadn’t gotten anything done. I press the unmute button.
“I’m getting sleepy, so I’ll be logging off for today.”
“Ah. See you, Ena.”
To the SEKAI I go.
———
The hum of the pillars was especially loud from here. Just as the concrete seemed to stretch on forever, it pierced my soul with the tranquility of a gray, barren world, devoid of any noise reality brought. I sit and stare off into the distance.
If there really was something wrong, what could I even do? There was nothing, and yet I was still here, looking for an answer that didn’t exist. My hands press up against the cold floor, the icy chill calming my head. I breathe, in and out, and sigh a sigh that barely makes it out my throat, feeling the hot air dissipate and the gentle, frail chill seeping into my lungs. I don’t fight it. That way, I can grasp just the tiniest bit of control over how I feel. My thoughts drift off anyway. To her.
That memory sneaks into my mind. It glows, faint wisps at first, then unfurls and shoots off like a comet, weaving in and out of my thoughts until it turns a sharp right and collides - and it all happens again.
Those cloudless skies, stained orange by the setting sun, hang above the school courtyard. I am on the rooftop, pouring my heart out, hoping she will listen. My words forge a reckless promise that shatters the lonely chill ever so present in the air. That I’d hear her out, no matter what she had to say, no matter how long it would take her to say it. Her smile is genuine, her eyes are wavering. She says she’s so, so glad, and she’ll tell me the full story one day, when she’s ready. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
A clickety-clack noise from afar breaks the silence. I turn around, and once I see who it is, I barely lift my body off the floor as my legs assume a running position.
“Meiko!” I could see her silhouette growing larger by the second.
“Hm?”
“It’s nothing, really. I just wanted to ask you something.”
Meiko turns her head, staring at me with that same distant face she’d had since the first time we met. “It’s unusual for you to go to the SEKAI all alone.”
“Yeah, I guess. Anyway, do you happen to know anything about Mizuki? She’s been acting a little… strange, y’know.”
Her expression changes ever so slightly. “Haven’t you asked something like this before?”
“I guess, but that was a whole year ago.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’d be better off not knowing, anyway. Mizuki needs to take her time.”
“ I know, but… you can’t solve all your problems alone, right? Wouldn’t it be nice for you to have just a little bit of reassurance?”
“So you really don’t remember. What Mizuki is carrying is too fragile. If you rush her, she may retreat back into her shell, or even shatter completely.” Meiko stares at me. “You know, I really don’t get you, Ena. For as long as I’ve been here, you’ve always insisted on talking things out, even while knowing that it might fail and ruin everything. Aren’t you a bit too stubborn?
But I’m glad you care about her, Ena. I can only say this much.”
She turns her back, and the footsteps ring once more, the clickety-clack, clickety-clack echoing between the gray pillars, ringing around and around my stunned face, mocking and mourning my predicament at the same time. Her words resounded in my head, in my eyes, in my chest. Yet I still didn’t get it.
“Wait, Meiko! Come back!” She didn’t turn around.
So it wasn’t just my imagination.
——
Monday passed by in a blur. It felt like I’d come up against a brick wall, really. Stirring up dust and smoke in my mind, standing tall and imposing against those answers I knew were on the other side, just out of reach, I couldn’t think. At all. So I was relieved when Kanade wanted us to listen to her second demo in the SEKAI.
The clock chimes 25 and I disappear in a haze of blue triangles. I see them all gathered in the distance. Even Kaito, who’s usually not there. We listen to the demo, offer our feedback, and are about to leave when Kanade notices the smell of grilled squid in the air, something I really hoped they wouldn’t pick up on. I wince - it’s embarrassing.
“Well, you know, the cultural festival is coming up soon, right? My class is doing a stall for grilled squid, so I’ve been practicing in the home economics room lately.”
“It’s unlike you to cook, Ena.” Kanade says. “But I guess it’s that time where everyone does something unusual for the festival. Mizuki, are you also doing grilled squid?”
She looks up. “Ah… no, I’m not in the same class as Ena. But we are doing an escape game in the classroom!”
“Ooh, that sounds fun.” I say. “Thank god you’re not doing grilled squid too. God, I can’t imagine how bad the SEKAI will smell. But I’m still going to help out with our class stall during the festival, though-”
It’s off again.
I look around. Meiko and Kaito exchange glances. They’ve noticed it too.
Screw this. I’m asking her right now-
Meiko shoots me a look. I take a breath - a painful, agonizing breath - and continue talking. Like I hadn’t seen her face turn so pale.
“-because really, I’ve put too much effort into grilling squid now that it’d go to waste. But I mean, the art assignment Yukihara’s given me has been a real pain, so I’m still deciding whether or not to go.”
“Huh?”
“I mean, it all depends on whether I can finish my assignments early. If you’re going, though, I might be able to clear my schedule. You think Kanade and Mafuyu could join us?”
Wait, no.
Mizuki’s still looking at me, but her eyes turn out of focus, as if she’s staring past my soul and into the cold, gray sky. The others chime in. With each word they say, her eyes grow cloudy. I hear them, but not really - the dust whips up once more, the wall casting it’s shadow not just on my face, but hers. I know something’s wrong . Kanade keeps talking, oblivious. Mizuki, I know something’s wrong. Tell me, please. Just tell me. Why are you hiding it away like this?
I hear my name and I nod, exchanging a few pleasantries. The others disappear in a puff of triangles, and I am standing here, in this empty, barren world. Her distant face is burned into my eyes. Her words wrap around my chest, ringing in my ears, leaping through my mind. She’s seriously not herself, and I can’t do anything about it. Meiko watches.
I can’t rush it, or else it’ll shatter. The static grows louder inside my head, wearing my thoughts into a fragile mess, just like when I was rushing to the rooftop a year ago looking for her. Mizuki. All I can think about is her, but it’s pointless. It’s pointless.
But can I really do nothing? No, I cry through this mess of dust and debris, a cry that sounds through my mind and withers in my throat, because I’m not sure. It might go wrong. It grows louder. That pained face of hers - I can’t bear to see it any longer. I’m sorry, Meiko. I need to be there for her.
I vanish from the SEKAI. Leaping onto my bed, I pull out my mobile phone and open up Nightcord. Amia. The chatlog pops up, and I click on the virtual keyboard-
“Typing…”
I freeze. What is she trying to tell me?
The three dots bounce up and down, then stop again. The status bar recedes. Then it pops right back up with the same veil of anticipation as it came. My chest is shaking, pounding as I wait. I’ve never been good at waiting. I’d wait forever. I promised. Please, please tell me, whatever it is you have on your mind. The status bar recedes again. It rises back up.
This is what she wanted to tell me on that rooftop, right? Surely she wouldn't take that long just for any other message? Thumping and banging and screaming to be let out of its ribcage, my heart beats anew and I hold a tense breath while feeling the blood pump around my body, flowing in a craze towards my chest, for ten whole minutes. Still typing, still waiting. I brace myself for whatever it is to come, if it will come. Hurry up. Don't hurry up, don't rush. Make the time go by faster. I keep holding my breath.
The ‘Typing…’ logo fades, and Mizuki goes offline.
I slump into my bed, my brain racing.
——
The days go by in a blur. Culture festival, art class, night school, N25. Not a single day goes by without staring at that chat log, hoping to see that ‘Typing…’ symbol again. Hoping that she’d finally trust me enough to tell me what was on her mind.
The sun rises again, and it fades just as quietly as it came. Akito comes back and goes to school again, and bangs on my door all the time because I’m somehow ‘too quiet’ and it makes him uneasy. I go to school again, and come back to the whole house asleep, again. I wash the stink of grilled squid off my clothes, again. Mom prepares lunch for me the next morning. I work on yet another sketch for the music video.
Yukihara criticizes my art for not having a clear theme. He also points out my crooked, out-of-proportion statue drawings, and says I’ve lost focus of some of the fundamentals.
My classmates offer me an iced latte as the third squid I’ve been grilling drops onto the floor, the seasoning leaving an ugly brown stain.
Kanade asks me if I’m alright after I said I was going to sleep early for the fourth time this week. I say I’m fine. My finger clicks on Mizuki’s chat log.
It’s uneasy - no, it’s agonizing, waiting for so long. I try to reassure myself by saying that she’s willing to talk, that she just needs some more time, but it doesn’t do much. My mind wanders back to her as always. Wandering back to those eyes that sparkled just the wrong way, wandering to those ten minutes where she wavered over her keyboard.
Just what was she trying to tell me?
The keyboard entices me as well. I sigh, slumping back into my bed, thinking about just what to say to her. Maybe I could reassure her it was going to be alright; that I would be there for her no matter what. I pull the snow-white covers over my head, and in the inky darkness of my little cove, Meiko’s words ring through my mind. She is there, staring at me from afar, her piercing gaze loosening my grip on the phone. Don’t rush her, or she’ll shatter. Why are you so stubborn? I press my face hard into the pillow.
I can’t do nothing. So I draw.
My art supplies is on the far end of the bed. I shift around in my covers so I can reach it just by leaning down, and with a fair bit of groping around, the straps press into my hands and I pull the bag up. A watercolor brush, a broken pencil… not what I want. I dump the contents of my bag on the bed, and it’s only then I notice the faint smell of grilled squid, wafting in the dark, coming from deep inside the bag. That’s… weird.
I pull myself out of the sheets, and it's only then I realize there is a plastic bottle of squid sauce laying on top of my sketchbook. Thank god it hasn't leaked. But now I’ll have to go back to the Culture Festival to return it. So annoying. I check my schedule to make sure there was nothing major due tomorrow, and return the sauce back to it’s rightful place inside my school bag. Might as well invite Kanade and Mafuyu while I’m at it. Mizuki too, obviously.
Oh, right. Mizuki. She tensed up when I mentioned the festival, didn't she?
…
No. It’s better for her to be around us than staying at school all alone.
Besides… I can't bear to see her suffer like this.
I grab my phone, fingers hammering at the keyboard, my thumbs going left-right-left-right-left, removing the spelling error, adding one and just one question mark. There. I stare at those foreign words on the screen.
Send it. Just press send.
I press send.
[Amia, you there?]
Her icon immediately lights up. She's online. How is she so fast?
[Yaho― Enanan! It's not time yet, but what's up?]
I type. Yet I'm not sure how to phrase it. My fingers slow to a crawl, the hammering fading into faint taps. I stare again. Backspace, hold. The wall of text disappears line by line. Tap tap tap, backspace. Backspace again. I groan. My fingers move nonetheless, clicking on the stickers tab, then going back, and going tap-tap-tap-left-right-space and hitting send. I freeze.
[About tomorrow's cultural festival, I'm thinking, I'll go.
The truth is I was thinking of maybe skipping, but the seasoning for my class's stall, I mistakenly brought it back home, you see. Since I’m in too deep, I might as well participate properly this time.
Since we're here, how about we call K and Yuki to wander around together?]
Please, I’m begging you. I flop headfirst into my bed, propping myself up with my elbows with my phone in hand, eyes glued to the chatlog. She's typing.
[Got it! In that case, let's wander around with everyone tomorrow.] Thank god. It’s all fine now, Ena, it's fine-
[And then... Enanan.]
[During the closing of the festival, could we talk?
I want to talk with you. About what I haven't talked about until now― everything.]
Huh?!
My elbows give way, and I fall face first into my pillow. I let out a yelp and toss my phone away somewhere, where it lands with a ‘thump’, but I keep shaking my pillow hard, over and over again, until I decide to roll over, curling up my crumpled bedsheets, and stare into the ceiling.
She-
She wants to tell me.
I’m so glad, Mizuki.
Thank you for working up the courage to tell me. And thank you for trusting me so much.
Now all I needed to do was wait.
——
I wake up bright and early without hearing the alarm ring, and rush to school. I choke on the smell of grilled squid for an hour. My watch strikes ten, and I bolt right towards the school gates, shoving a few people away in the process. The three of them stand out in the distance.
Mizuki turns around at my footsteps. Something streaks across her eyes - panic, shock, I can’t tell. She regains her composure.
And then the first thing she does is gawk at my shirt. Seriously?
Kanade holds in a chuckle as she reads the words ‘serious grilled squid’ off my chest, and I hate to admit it, but a pale red blush begins to spread across my face and my cheeks feel ever so slightly warm. It gets worse when I try and explain myself. “Look, I get it! It’s just that everyone in my class got too carried away with the design, y’know…”
“But Ena, that t-shirt suits you.” Eh?! Even Mafuyu seems interested now, and somehow, she sets up the perfect opportunity for Mizuki to tease me yet again. My eyes roll as far back as they possibly can, but they all see through it because I’m so flustered. Probably because my heart feels warm, too.
I clear my throat. “Since everyone’s gathered up, it’s about time to go around. Where should we start from?”
Mizuki pipes up. “Hmm~, it's hard to let go of starting from the grilled squid over at Ena's place, but we’re not that hungry. How about we just wander around, and if something interests us, we’ll go and have a look?”
Such a Mizuki-ish response. “Sounds good.”
“Well then, let’s go! Let’s enjoy this festival, okay?”
Mizuki walks towards the campus building, with Mafuyu following close behind. I gaze at Mizuki, at the dazzling sunlight shining on her back, and smile. Let’s just enjoy it together, right here, right now.
——
The stalls all fade into one, intertwined with our laughter.
We pick up some hair clips on the first floor, grab an iced tea on the second, and beat each other at ping-pong on the third. Every stall is a brand new world of opportunity. Incessant chatter fills the hallways, flowing into the hall and up around the stairs, where it seems to only grow louder at the stalls. It’s packed - we get jostled around every few minutes or so, not to mention avoiding all those panicked students who never seem to remember that they have to help out with their class. Normally it’d piss me off, but somehow, I don’t mind. That is until Mafuyu points out Kanade’s been gone for a whole minute. We meet up again and stick close to the windows to avoid getting lost, the sunlight streaming down and playing ever so joyfully with our faces.
Some of Mizuki’s friends get us to go to a photo-taking booth, filled with dresses and accessories we’re all eager to try, and I pocket the pictures when no one’s looking. Then we watch some sort of comedy play, and by the end of it, I’m confused, Mizuki’s still chuckling to herself, and Mafuyu’s spouting some theory about how the play was related to the ‘state of humanity’. It’s all very like us.
I laugh and take a sip of the ice tea, the sweetness still coating my tongue even after we’d left the classroom. We go back to the courtyard and I grill some squid for them. Mizuki is a bit surprised when I ask to go to her class’s stall, but we arrive there in a flash, and barely fail the escape room puzzle they set up. We go to stall after stall after stall.
Before I know it, the closing ceremony is right ahead of us.
I go and change into my normal clothes. When I get back, Kanade and Mafuyu are leaving. Mizuki tells them she has something she wants to talk about next time.
They leave, and it’s just the two of us. She turns to me.
“Ena.”
“Yes?”
“Won’t you go?”
We start walking to the rooftop.
Our footsteps echo through the empty corridor, fading just like the sun’s rays. The stalls are empty, the colorful banners hung for no one but her and I. Pale orange light streams in through the rows of windows, casting a shadow on all those balloons and streamers that glimmered so brightly just a second ago. It’s so peaceful, ever so different from the Kamikou High I knew, ever so different from the festival just now. I point this out to Mizuki.
“That’s true. It seems like it might make for a really good painting. Especially if you draw it.”
“Right?” I gaze off into the distance. “Or maybe a music video. That’s if a song that suits it comes up though.”
“...An image of the school, huh.”
“Yeah, wouldn’t it seem like something we haven’t made before? I can see it starting with the school that's been emptied out after the cultural festival, giving off the feeling of "I wonder what's about to start? And then the song starts, and then… it sort of unfolds from there!”
Mizuki lets out a small chuckle. " “Sort of”... isn't that too thoughtless?”
“Geez, isn’t it fine for now? For the details, we can think about it together, like always.”
Like always.
I smile.
It’s always been like this, I suppose. Just the two of us, working together, laughing out loud, no matter what we were going through. She’s always been there for me, and I’ve tried my very best to be there for her.
Which is why I’ll hear her out to the very end.
"... Then, when I make that music video, I'll put your class t-shirt front and center!"
“No way. That lame thing? I don't want to remember it ever again though.”
“Ooh, look at you, saying something like that. I bet you won't be able to throw it away. You’ll hang it up in your room, won’t you?”
“I'm telling you, once I get home, I'll throw it away immediately!”
“Yeah, yeah, we’ll leave it at that.”
I laugh. We smile.
The rays of orange sunset caress our faces once more. Oh, it’s so peaceful.
Mizuki turns to me, her resolution crystalizing in her eyes. “So, Ena-”
“Akiyama-san!!!” Hurried footsteps bounce off the walls and into our ears, and we turn around to a classmate I’ve never met.
“Eh, what’s wrong?”
“The class partition board fell down just now! Someone got hurt, but even when I went to the infirmary, the teacher wasn’t there! Could you help me search for them, please?!”
“Ah.
Sorry, Ena. Could you go ahead to the rooftop? I’ll be there soon.”
I step forward. “Y-yeah… do you need me to help you, though? I can also come along.”
“No, it’s something about my class after all. It’s fine.”
“Okay.”
They leave, and I gaze at their silhouettes. How should I put it… it’s just like Mizuki.
It’s fine, though. I promised I’d wait for as long as she’d need me to.
——
I push open the door to the rooftop. The sky is stained a warm orange by the setting sun. It projects its brilliance onto the clouds above, the buildings below, and onto my skin. It’s beautiful.
The last time I came here, it was also like this, wasn’t it?
I gaze into the fading, setting sun. So comforting.
Mizuki seemed nervous the whole day, huh. It's even more obvious than before. It must be because of yesterday.
After this, I don't know what kind of conversation we're going to have. Maybe nothing will change, or maybe all of it will. Maybe Nightcord will never be the same again.
I’m just glad she made up her resolve to talk. And so…
I want to properly accept whatever comes next. I'll hear her out, no matter what she has to say.
I promised.
Footsteps sound from behind the door, and I turn around. They get ever so slightly louder. I breathe.
“Mizuki.”
The door swings open. But it isn't her.
Three male students stroll right into this quiet, sacred rooftop, their swagger and noise piercing through the air. Their eyes light up when they see that nobody’s here, except me. “Lucky―! How 'bout we slack off here?”
Wait, who are these people? Full-day students?
One of them groans. “Ah, I'm seriously wiped out. C’mon, this is perfect.”
“Yeah. I’m also a bit on the fence on whether to go.”
“I get what you mean. It's such a pain, right?”
Damn it. If they're going to stay here, then-
“Come to think of it, the one runnin' down the hallway earlier, was Akiyama, right?”
“Yeah, that guy. Hah, if only there was nothing to their cute face.”
They're talking about Mizuki?
“... Hey, knock it off with stuff like that.”
“I mean, isn't it true?” He pauses, eyes narrowing. “Oh great, there's someone over there-”
They all look at me, and pause. A snigger breaks up across one of their faces. He scoffs. “You, weren't you the girl walkin' around with Akiyama?”
Crap, they've noticed me. “Ah, hello… well, more or less I did, but-”
They pace closer, like a pack of wolves. He looks back at the other two. “Look, I knew she did! Hey you, I don't see your face around much, but you get along with Akiyama?”
“Well... I've known her for a long time.”
“Huh, really?! Then-
-Are you also like a guy or something?”
…
…
What?
A guy ?
What kind of a sick joke is this? Who do they think they are?
But-
“Hey, I’m telling you to quit it!”
“What, it’s just a joke, right? Ahaha, sorry bout that~”
“A joke, right…?” The words escape my lips. “It’s not funny at all, though.”
He laughs, trying to break it up. A damn twisted laugh. “... No, that's why I'm sayin' my bad. I was thinking you were an ordinary girl―”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
The air stills. My blood courses through my veins, and I can hear it rushing. They stare at each other. A look creeps up on their face.
“Ehh…?”
“Hey, could it be that this girl… seriously doesn't know?”
Huh?
His voice is worryingly fierce. “That's why I told you to knock it off!”
So they're not joking?
The sunset blurs.
“...But when they say they've known each other for a long time, surely they'd know, right? Even Akiyama’s not really hiding it, y’know?!”
But then, Mizuki- no, but then, why would she-
“Yeah, exactly… Half the school knows at this point! Why the hell wouldn't she?”
It’s spinning, it's spinning, it's spinning around. My head feels a bit light. I put my hand on my chest.
So the thing she wanted to tell me… what she wanted to tell me all along- was-
So she… he… no, I-
“...Ah?!”
The door swings open. It is Mizuki. Everyone looks back, freezing. Her eyes are gaped wide open.
I've never seen her look like that before.
Just why, Mizuki….?
Why did it have to end up like this?
Just-
She runs.
The door slams shut. The noise resounds through the courtyard. It hits me like a cannonball, shattering my soul.
I scream. My legs start to move, to run, to chase, to flee. I cry. The door is kicked open.
I bolt down, down, down into the stairs. It’s all so, so blurry. Grabbing the handrails, I fling myself towards her direction. Down yet another floor. It’s all burning. My legs, my eyes, my heart.
“ Mizuki!! ”
She answers with frenzied, fading footsteps.
I dash ahead, knocking over a nearby stall. She’s getting further and further, her silhouette flitting in and out of sight, her gasps growing fainter by the second. “Wait! I’m telling you to wait! ”
But even if I catch her- what can I say?!
The connecting passageway appears to my left. I bash through the door, the throbbing pain in my shoulder rippling through my shattered mind, stirring up waves of disjointed thoughts of her and her and her and her and I can’t think, not like this, not with that expression burned deep into my mind, so I run. I hope, I pray, that she hasn’t gone too far. It’s all dizzy again.
What can I do?!
Just what can I even say?!!!
The door draws nearer, and I fling it open, gasping, and on the other side sounds a thump and a faint whimper. I dash outside. She stumbles away from me, clutching her head, her gaze pointed downwards.
“Mizuki!”
I grab her arm, tight. She lets out the faintest sob, mixed with a sigh, or a scream. Her eyes are still fixed to the ground.
“Mizuki… I-”
“Sorry.
…
…
…I should’ve said it much earlier.”
I- what-
“-But, Mizuki, you're…!”
“It surprised you, right?”
“But… that’s-”
“I know!”
No- please no, Ena. Say something. Say something. I stare.
“I get it, you’re surprised… you’re not mad at all! I understand all of it!” Her voice is ragged, husky.
“―But no matter what, it's no use...!!”
Think, just think, say something, you have to do something-
It cuts through me like broken glass. “... Because Ena is..., really, kind...! I'm sure, starting from tomorrow too, you'd talk with me as if nothing happened...!”
She gasps for air. It’s blurry again.
“Kanade too... and Mafuyu too...! I’m sure they’ll just work as usual, and then on the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that… nothing will ever change! You’d have me think that!”
It’s all suffocating, every cry, every word, the chill in the air, the fading sunset, too much, it’s all too much. Please, please, please. Mizuki. Please.
“That’s just everyone being kind to me, and I get it! I know, it’s a really, really good thing! But… but, just because I’m like this, everyone has to be kind to me… like I’m so, so different… ”
I hate that! I hate every part of it!”
“...Mizuki-”
She wrestles free from my grip, tears scattering downwards.
I reach for her again. She pushes me away, hard, and turns her back.
A buzzing noise rings in my ears. I stare.
“Sorry.
For not talking about it this whole time... sorry.
For not facing you―― sorry.”
She runs. I keep on staring.
I stare, and stare, my eyes wide, my ears still buzzing, her footsteps going past my mind, her figure getting smaller and smaller, my eyes not taking it in, my mind, still stuck in limbo, still a mess of shattered memories and emotions and her, her and I, my words withering away, stuck in my throat, my legs frozen, my arms numb, and then it all comes back to me and all the noise and all the guilt and all the helplessness and all the cries and all the pleas and her lowered gaze and her raspy voice and her tears and the orange sun and the draped banners and all those unsaid words flood into my mind and I scream.
“ Mizuki!!!”
There is no response.
Of course there would be no response.
You did nothing, Ena.
You just watched.
I fall to my knees.
You did nothing to stop it all.
“I…
Why didn't I…!”
I promised, didn't I?
That I’d hear you out, no matter what you had to say. Even if it meant waiting forever.
I even thought those words were enough.
But in the end, I couldn't stop it from falling apart.
So helpless, so useless.
Just like always.
Ah, I want to disappear.