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Eddie's morning had been rough. His shift was only starting later, which normally meant he could have a peaceful start, but not today. His alarm was late, so him and Chris were in a rush. This meant he had to sacrifice his precious shower time in favor of making Chris breakfast and he didn't even have time to change. They rushed out the door, Eddie attempting to shove his head through a hoodie he found on the ground and Chris with toothpaste somehow on his forehead.
But still, he had many rushed mornings, he could cope with this. It was the sudden car trouble when Eddie was coming home that turned the morning from bad to worse.
He pulled over and examined the car, trying to identify what the flapping noise was about. There he saw his quickly deflating back left tire. Great.
It had been a while since Eddie had changed a tire, so he was a little rusty, but he could do it. This was definitely not about the potential embarrassment Eddie was trying to avoid by having to call for roadside assistance whilst in his pajamas.
After 20 minutes, Eddie had to pull up a Youtube video on what to do, but he blamed his mistakes and forgetfulness on his lack of coffee. Another 20 minutes later, the new tire was looking good enough and Eddie really just wanted to get home at this point, so he allowed himself to ease back into his car. He's relaxed against the headrest and let out a quiet sigh.
Thankfully the rest of the drive was uneventful and Eddie was looking forward to coffee and whatever rest he could squeeze in before his shift in 5 hours. He stumbled towards the kitchen and got started on some toast. Except the toaster wasn't working. He unplugged it, plugged it back in, fiddled with the settings, but nothing. He chose to ignore this issue and went to open his fridge when he noticed the light wasn't on. His power must be out. Great. Now, his morning wasn't bad or worse, it was worse-er?
(Eddie doesn't care about correct language use, he is tired, hungry and just wants a Goddamn break.)
With no motivation to deal with yet another unexpected issue, Eddie slumps down onto the couch in the living room and just stares at the ceiling. He feels his body sink into the pillows and he can't help the groan that slips out.
Just when Eddie starts relaxing, his phone begins to ring. He fishes it out of his pocket, planning to ignore it, when he sees it's Buck calling. Eddie answers before he even thinks about making the exception for Buck.
"Eddie."
"What, Buck?"
"I am in such a good mood, I'm going to ignore your attitude-"
"It's been one of the worst mornings of my life, I really don't need you rubbing your happiness in my face." Eddie feels bad for being short with Buck, but honestly, the last thing Eddie needs is optimism.
"Well, I know what you need rubbed in your face."
What the actual fuck did Buck just say to him?
"What?"
"Nothing, no, shit -" Buck was fumbling over his words in a way that was making Eddie oddly fond, "A croissant. This new chocolate croissant. You need to come and try it."
That was not what Eddie was expecting. He registers a faint disappointment, but shuts that down just as quickly as it appeared
"You called me about a chocolate croissant?'
"It's not just a chocolate croissant, Eddie! It is thee chocolate croissant. You have to come and try it."
"Buck, I am so glad you have discovered the sweet treat that can finally satisfy you, but literally nothing except for our shift later can make me leave my couch."
"Okay, I'll come to you."
For the second time in the brief conversation, Eddie is confused.
"Come again?"
"I'll come to you. I need you to experience this right now," Buck announces in a very matter-of-fact voice, but Eddie tried to fight him on it anyway.
"Buck, it's not necessary. I'll see you later."
"Nope. You will see me in 10 minutes with a chocolate croissant."
Eddie can't even respond before Buck has ended the call.
Well. Eddie's morning may be picking up.
True to his word, Buck arrives 10 minutes later, pastry box in hand. He walks into Eddie's house so naturally, it feels like he belongs.
All the possible excitement Eddie has about seeing his best friend vanishes when Buck starts insulting him almost immediately.
"I know you said it was a rough morning, but damn Eddie. Are those Looney Tunes pajama pants?" Buck doesn't even attempt to hide his giggle.
"Trust me, I don't know why I have them either."
"Come on man, one of the greatest privileges in life are cozy pjs. They make everything feel luxurious. You need to learn to spoil yourself more often."
And Buck doesn't mean anything by it, he's teasing and they're having fun, but it hits Eddie somewhere deep in his chest.
He can't remember a time when he 'spoiled' himself. When he did something for his happiness. Like, his real happiness. When he did something to feel pure, honest joy. Even before coming to California, before the army, he was living up to the expectation people had of him, not doing what he wanted, what would make him happy. A child whose hand was hit when reaching for the food on too high counters and he hadn't learnt to reach since.
This has been something Eddie struggles with, he has had enough sessions with Frank to know that. He punishes himself.
Eddie distantly knows that's a bad thing, but he can't seem to stop it.
Eddie doesn't know how Buck's joke about pajamas has taken him down a dark path, but look, he's tired. He's exhausted even after a day off and all the emotions inside him are at surface level so leave him alone if stupid, innocent comment is the thing that makes him fall.
He's angry at Buck for a second, but it doesn't last. Eddie can never be entirely upset with the man. But right now, Buck has disappeared somewhere in Eddie's house and the thoughts are slightly suffocating, but Eddie knows he couldn't shut them out if he tried.
Eddie decides to take the time to reflect. He normally operated based of needs. Whether he preferred or wanted something, that was irrelevant. Water over juice, shitty two-in-one shampoo over the fancy conditioner Buck swears by. It's not that he doesn't deserve the good things, it's...
Well, Eddie isn't really sure why he denies himself. He feels like he has to work for things, has to earn goodness. Recently though, even when he works for it, even when he tries so fucking hard, he doesn't let himself give in. Not to say that Eddie doesn't have good things, Eddie loved his life. He loves Chris, he loves his job, he loves Buck.
He loves Buck.
He loves Buck.
The anxiety that always seems to sit at Eddie's heart is awake now, squeezing his ribs and mind.
Obviously he loves Buck, he's his best friend, but this feels bigger. There's a lust prickling at Eddie's fingertips now. It's foreign in the way your favourite childhood movie you haven't seen in years is. Soft around the edges, faded by nostalgia. But it's welcoming, not new.
Eddie thought he'd been in love before. He had a fucking wife. Maybe this was something else. Eddie wasn't, he wasn't...
He doesn't know what he's trying to reason with. It just feels like he should recognize what's happening in his mind. He's had friendships and girlfriends, he's watched romcoms and dramas, sure Eddie has never confessed his love in the rain, but -
He mind takes him back to the lightening strike. The loss Eddie felt, the physical pain of losing his person.
Eddie doesn't know when he started thinking of Buck as his person, but it feels right. All his other relationships, things went wrong, fighting didn't make them stronger, it tore them apart. With Buck though, even after the lawsuit they found each other. Deep down, he knows he needs Buck. The thing he only realizes now, is that he wants Buck too.
Eddie feels like he is slapped across the face with that new understanding. That he has wanted Buck. The lingering touches, the "You wanna go for the title?", the fucking will. The box that's been tucked in the back of Eddie's mind full of Leonardo DiCaprio in 'Romeo + Juliet' and that one guy from 'Dawson's Creek', the box that's covered in rosaries and shame suddenly explodes inside him.
"Eddie, you okay?"
Buck's voice manages to break Eddie out of whatever trance he was in.
I love Buck reverberates through his body, a constant thrum he never noticed.
Buck's really looking at him now, trying to find where Eddie got lost whilst he went to the kitchen to get a plate.
"Yeah, I'm good, sorry. I was just thinking about stuff." Eddie tries to keep his voice steady, but it wavers with the aftershocks of exposing himself, to himself.
"Stuff, you say?" Buck is eyeing Eddie carefully, suspiciously. "Anything you want to talk about?"
Yes, Eddie thinks. He wants to talk about the missing piece that has finally fallen into place. He wants to talk about performing on dates, but never with Buck. He wants to talk about the life he would have had if he just chose his happiness. He wants to talk about the guilt he feels for not being enough. He wants to talk about not deserving the good things in life. But Buck is looking at him, all kind and patient. Eddie has denied himself for so long, for a moment he thinks he can have Buck. The desire is spreading from his fingertips and for the first time in so long, he wants. Unfortunately, Eddie knows how this goes. You want what you can't have.
"Nope, just thinking about who Chris is going to stay with tonight whilst we work. Anyway, what about this magical croissant I need to rub in my face?"
Buck cringes, but he's blushing and it's beautiful and fuck, Eddie can't shake the reminder that he loves Buck. How did he not notice? How did he not feel it?
At that question, a smarter version of Eddie's brain supplies, because you're scared. Because this is the realest thing you may have ever felt and you run when things get real.
"Make fun of me all you want, but this is about to change your life."
Buck doesn't know that it already has.
Buck passes the plate with three croissants towards Eddie, not before grabbing one for himself and taking a seat next to Eddie on his couch.
"Why'd you get three if it's only me and you?" Eddie asks puzzled.
Buck's quiet for a moment, the blush making a reappearance, the he finally mutters quietly, "There were four."
Eddie already suspects where this is going, but he's recently found that he's addicted to the way Buck hides his face when he gets embarrassed, so he asks anyway, "And what happened to the fourth one?"
Buck is silent for a moment, then bursts out, "It's really good, okay! Just try it and you'll be wishing I bought hundreds. Not my fault that I got hungry in the car on my way to do something super nice for my best friend."
Eddie laughs and the internal crisis he is having fades into a buzz in his body, no longer a blaring alarm of SOMETHING WRONG. He bites into the croissant and -
"Oh fuck," Eddie says around the food.
"I know!"
The pastry is light and airy, but the chocolate is smooth and heavenly. It is one of the best things Eddie has ever had, no exaggeration.
"And these are from a café like 10 minutes away?"
Buck just nods in response, looking at the treat in his hands with so much adoration.
They spend the next moments just appreciating the heavenly creation, until both of them are licking their fingers and making eyes at the final croissant.
Buck makes the first reach for the plate when Eddie interjects, "You better be cutting that piece of pure gold in half or I swear to God, Buck."
"I was actually just reaching for that blob of chocolate, from the croissants I bought, but you can have it if you want it so bad."
Buck goes through with his plan, dragging this finger through a small pool of the decadent goodness, but he doesn't bring it to his own mouth. No, he last minute changes courses and spreads it across Eddie's cheek.
"There you go!" Buck says, pretending to be so innocent, Eddie can't even bring it on himself to be mad.
"You're an idiot."
"Yeah, but you like it."
A drop of the chocolate is threatening to drop off of Eddie, so Buck reaches up to Eddie once more, running this thumb against his jawline. He leaves his hand there though, hovering. It's intimate, but not uncomfortable. In fact, Eddie realises to his own shock, that this is what him and Buck are like. Whether it's the sugar high or the overwhelming feelings he somehow only noticed now, he doesn't want this to be another fleeting moment.
"I do," he tries to say earnestly, really looking into Buck's eyes. He tries to pour all the things inside his heart into those two words. He hopes it's enough, because Eddie wants this. He knows this is probably irresponsible and they are adults who should speak to each other, but the longing in his body is expanding, filling him with warmth and desire. He wants and wants and -
"Can I kiss you?"
Buck's hand is back on Eddie's face, cupping his cheek and looking at him with so much trepidation. Eddie's answer is so fucking easy.
"Please."
Eddie knows this is what he's meant for, not only by the soft touch of their lips, but by the way Buck has reached his other hand up further and grabbed Eddie's hair. There's passion, but more importantly, care behind it. Buck tastes like sweet chocolate and love, if you could taste it. After only a few seconds, Eddie's worried he's completely addicted to the all-encompassing flavour that is Buck.
He heard that crushes could make people act a little obtuse, he never personally felt that (he thinks he knows why), but Eddie, he might just be the most oblivious idiot to ever exist. He's been missing this for years. With a new motivation to make up for the time they've lost, Eddie brings his hands to Buck's neck and back, bringing himself impossibly, yet effortlessly closer and Buck lets out a Goddamn moan. Eddie's mind becomes a cycle of make that happen again again again.
They pull away from each other slowly, each slightly out of breath and they are both doing that silent, huffing laugh. They are still so close, both of them almost scared to retreat, for this perfect moment to break.
"Still one of the worst mornings of your life?" Buck whispers quietly, his words warm and welcome against Eddie's skin.
Eddie rolls his eyes, but there's no annoyance behind it, "Shut up."
Eddie swears he can hear the smirk on Buck's face when the replies, "Make me."
So Eddie does. He kisses Buck sweetly, because they can do that now, before asking his own question, "How long have you been wanting to say that?"
"So fucking long, you have no idea."
"Yeah, I guess I didn't." Eddie pulls away from Buck slightly and sinks further into the couch, suddenly feeling the weight of this, of him and Buck.
"You okay? Not having any regrets, right?" Buck tries to end the question in a laugh, but Eddie feels the nervousness behind it. Buck's fidgeting with his hands and clearly wants to relax with him, but he's keeping his distance. Eddie wants to change Buck's unease instantly.
"No, not at all. I just, I don't know what this means for me. Well, I know that I want you, us -" Eddie says that part quietly, suddenly shy of all the desire in him "- but this changes everything I thought I knew about myself. I kind of feel like my whole life is a lie." Eddie's leg is bouncing now and he's absentmindedly picking at the piece of skin on his thumb. He's vaguely aware of the tears forming in his eyes. "I don't want things to change. I mean, I want things to change, I can't go back to not being able to kiss you. I- I don't want to be different."
Eddie's voice cracks at the last word, emotions suddenly heavy on his chest with the a fear he has never said out loud before.
Buck pulls Eddie back up to the edge of the couch, joining them once more. He places his hands over Eddie's, which have begun to shake slightly.
"This doesn't make you different in a bad way, Eddie. Sure, it's a new thing and it can be pretty scary to deal with, but you'll learn. And when it gets tough, I'll be here and so will Chris and Hen and Chim and Bobby. You've got a family that won't change, I promise you that." Eddie is looking Buck in his eyes now and they look at him with pure sincerity.
"If anything, Chim and Bobby are the odd-ones-out for being straight," Buck adds on and it makes Eddie laugh hard. He doesn't try to stifle it, not with Buck.
"You are allowed to freak out about this, but don't let it destroy you, Eddie. You deserve to find your own joy. That's literally what the word gay means."
At the word gay, Eddie freezes even if he doesn't mean to. He would like to think he unpacked his more conservative Catholic upbringing and his years in the army since coming to LA, but he clearly has more work to do. He was never actively homophobic, but it's a bit closer to home now. Old school assemblies and cruel teasing come back to him in waves, but it's hard for Eddie to see the truth in them when he feels the most authentic he has ever been.
Eddie is so used to running from the things that make him happy, that's what he's taught himself to do - deny deny deny. He was so proud of the resilience he had, thought it made him strong. But with the way Buck is looking at him, the static love in his body, fading chocolate on his lips and the reminder that he deserves good things, Eddie finally lets himself give in.