Archive of Our Own

Midoriya Izuku couldn’t sleep.

It started happening every night the last few weeks. He’d wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, blood electrified. He’d gasp and shake until he felt his surroundings and then blink back into a dark, blue room. No matter what he did after he couldn’t fall back asleep. His body was too alert, the adrenaline having kicked him into survival mode.

He groaned, rubbing the sticky sleep from his eyes and blearily glanced at the clock. 

03:40

He lay there for a few moments, frowning, irritated, trying to blink his eyes awake. He eventually got up in a huff and decided that maybe a walk and a glass of milk would ease him back to sleep.

He fished on some rabbit slippers and crept out into the hallway, careful to close his door quietly behind him as he went. The dorms were deathly silent, bathed in deep azure. Not a creak left him as he padded to the end of the corridor, deciding to take the stairs in case the elevator made that weird churning sound like it was going to plummet at any moment. They really needed to get that fixed.

The common room area was still and silent when he got to the bottom. The glow from the full moon shone through the tall glass windows and bounced off the wooden floors, illuminating his path to the kitchen. Izuku shuffled over and opened the fridge door, the bright light blinding him a bit as he reached for the milk carton and a small glass out of the cupboard.

“Ughh body just go to sleep…” he mumbled sadly, propping up onto one of the stools and filling the glass a quarter of the way.

He took a sip and rested his head into his folded arms at the kitchen bar. When his eyes closed all he saw was rubble, decayed buildings, heroes strewn across the ground. His friends stemming wounds and tending to others. Kacchan lying there…

He rubbed his head vigorously against his arms to banish the thoughts.

Everyone was fine. They were all fine. They made it out of hell and back and survived. He had to keep telling himself that. Now they were older and more experienced with only a few weeks away from graduation and earning their hero licenses. 

It was only about two weeks ago when the third years had received letters from their internship programs with the promise of full time positions once they passed their exams. Everyone was feverishly excited, gathered together and comparing their offers. He had looked down at the letter from his own agency. It was from one of the top companies in the prefecture, located right in the middle of the city, bustling with civilians and in equal part too many villains. As a rookie starting out there would be no better place for him to start and climb the ranks. 

He saw Katsuki with his friends huddled around him, ruffling blonde hair and jostling his shoulders. Usually Katsuki would be snapping at them to get off but he just stood there, frowning at his letter.

They were both interning at the same agency since second year and were almost always doubled up together since their success rate was so high. Both of them had combed through the city enough times they knew it like the back of their hands, already knowing all the hot spots and responding to calls in record time. They were even putting some of the pros to shame. 

So when he saw Katsuki wasn’t already shoving it into his face to gloat like he usually did, a spark of worry shot through Izuku’s chest. He padded over to their group, clutching the piece of paper to him.

Katsuki’s eyes had looked up at him then when he got close, the frown still there, his lips tight.

“You got your offer too, Kacchan? In the city right?” Izuku showed him his letter with a small smile.

Katsuki watched him for a few moments, his red eyes flickering between his own. He looked back down at the sheet, his expression unreadable.

“Transferring me to the States, some fuckin’ exchange program,” his voice dark and gruff.

Izuku felt ice trickle into his stomach.

America?

“Dude, that’s unreal! You know some of the top pros in the world are there!” Denki was wrapping an arm around his shoulder. 

Izuku distantly heard Kirishima say something, maybe it was Sero? His ears felt like they were underwater.

He remembered saying “That’s amazing, Kacchan!” but the excitement didn’t reach his eyes.

Katsuki was looking at him with some mixture of emotion. Distant, guarded. Izuku dropped his eyes quickly, unable to meet his gaze. He stared down numbly at the creased piece of paper in his hands.

It was good news. It was really good news. So why did it feel like everything was crumbling around him? Like he had been trying to reach out with his fingers and missed it by an inch. 

His mind unhelpfully replayed images of All For One then. As he landed onto UA’s floating fortress, his feet barely having touched the ground before he saw Kacchan, head turned to the grass. A bloody All Might trading card crumpled to the side. He remembered feeling his stomach drop, panic shooting through his veins. He had never been so scared, so utterly lost.

“Got some excuse for being late?” AFO’s voice crackled through the clouds of dust.

You weren’t there. Izuku told himself.

All he saw was red. Red staining the grass, red flooding his vision. The ruby red of Katsuki’s one open eye faded and blank.

Those same eyes now bright and alive were still watching him. He could feel them, like needling daggers prodding at him to look up but he couldn’t. All he could think about was Kacchan in another country. Distant. Unreachable. The fear began to bleed into his chest. 

You won’t be there.

Izuku’s nails dug into his palms, grounding him back to the empty kitchen. It was the same loop that played over and over. His chest felt tight, his breath started to quicken, the beginnings of his anxiety creeping in at the edges.

No, stop. 

They weren’t graduating for another couple of weeks. Izuku had time to spend, time to enjoy being together for a while yet.

He tried thinking of the warm summer days arriving soon. Maybe the class could all take a trip to the beach someday? He thought of game nights around the common room. Reading manga in Ochako’s room with Todoroki and Iida and laughing about nothing. Running and running around the track until his lungs were fit to burst. Feeling a hand brush his when he’d lay on the couch, falling asleep to some detective show Momo was dying to watch. He’d blink up and see a blonde head watching him, mumbling ‘Go to bed.’

Huh?

“I said go to bed, pea brain.”

Izuku looked up from his nested arms and saw Katsuki taking the milk carton and shoving it back into the fridge, grabbing other things for his morning breakfast. He looked like he had just showered, a loose black t-shirt and sweats hanging off him. His hair was weighed down from it still being damp, making his explosive haircut a little less spiky (by Katsuki’s standards). A waft of fresh cedar and pine roused Izuku’s senses awake.

“Wha? What time is it?”

“It’s 5:30, the fuck you doing up?”

5:30?  Izuku thought numbly. He felt like he hadn’t even slept. He rubbed at his eyes and yawned, the tiredness weighing him down like a ton of bricks. His head hit his arms again, eyes wanting to stay closed.

“Can’t sleep..” he mumbled.

He heard the sink running and a crunch of something being chopped. There was a rustle of fabric followed by an angry grunt.

“At least get onto the couch, loser, your gunna fuck up your neck doing that.”

He felt Katsuki’s hand on his shoulder and then another on his arm, trying to get him up. The effort to get up onto his feet had him moaning, like it was the hardest thing on earth to take even one step.

“I ain’t fuckin’ fighting you on this, get on the couch or die,” Katsuki’s voice was gruff but there was no malice to it. 

Izuku let the other haul him up and guide him over to one of the big couches. He flopped down immediately, thankful for the softness of the cushions and then felt a blanket fall over him, weighing him down.

He blinked up between sleep and watched as Katsuki stuffed a pillow in behind his head. He was frowning, looking down at Izuku with a mix of irritation and something else he couldn’t quite pinpoint. 

Ah , he was probably interrupting his routine. Kacchan was pretty strict with it, waking up early to get his workout in, shower, cook and study all before class. 

Kacchan was pretty amazing.

Izuku's eyes roamed over the curve of his jaw, lowering to where his Adam's apple started to jut out. He skimmed up, passing thinned lips and a scrunched nose. Katsuki’s eyebrows were almost permanently knitted into a frown but when Izuku looked at him it seemed to iron out into something softer, his eyes a molten ruby red. Even in the haze of the pre-dawn light, he could see the trace of a scar running through Katsuki’s eye, shaving through the edge of his eyebrow. He wondered, for how much longer would he be looking up at those eyes? The scar that reminded him of everything. Would he see it again in a few years time? Would they be different then? Izuku shut his eyes tight and drew the blanket up over his face.

Don't cry don't cry don’t cry. Just go to sleep god damnit.

Katsuki didn’t move from where he sat at the edge of the couch. Izuku thought maybe he had just melted into thin air before he felt the weight beside him shift and Katsuki had got up.

“I’ll leave you a bowl on the counter, alright? Actually eat something for breakfast this time, nerd,” Katsuki growled.

Izuku chuckled wetly behind the blanket, “Thanks Kacchan. I will, I promise.”

There was a pause. Izuku prayed Katsuki wouldn’t pull down the blanket as a fat tear started to pool on the side of his nose.

Thankfully he heard footsteps trudge away. He pulled the blanket tighter around him and buried into the fur. The sound of chopping and sizzling pans was what finally lulled him to sleep.

When he woke it was to voices flooding and bustling through the room. He peaked out of the blankets and it was so much brighter and alive than a few hours ago. He saw Aoyama in front of him, smiling and bending over the couch.

“Sleepy head! Did you stay down here all night?”

“Wh-What time is it?” he rubbed his eyes, adjusting to the bright light and trying to re-orientate himself to where he was. 

Oh right. He fell asleep on the couch. And Kacchan was there, and he said something..

“About 8 AM, hun.”

He was making breakfast.

‘I’ll leave you a bowl on the counter, alright?’

8 AM… They had homeroom in 30 minutes!

“WHAT?! OH NO,” Izuku leapt out from the couch and bounded towards the kitchen. A few of his classmates turned, startled. Neatly wrapped up beside the stove sat a bowl of Chahan with a sticky note that read ‘DONT fucking touch’.  

He felt warmth bloom through his chest and scrambled to find a spoon.

The rest of the day after that passed by rather pleasantly. His stomach was full and sated during class. Katsuki already had a pen stretched over his shoulder to him when his pencil had snapped. Ochako and Iida were making him laugh more than usual with their synchronized movements. Todoroki spent the evening with him after dinner playing video games and heaving through belly laughs when Denki would join in and die almost instantly.

His heart felt a little lighter going to bed that night as he settled into his covers. He closed his eyes and thought about warm smiles and laughter. He thought about small things like homework, assignments and that maybe he could visit his mom on the weekend. He felt at ease and drifted away to sleep.

———

It was too good to be true.

Izuku shot up in his bed, scrambling around his covers looking for the body that was draped across his lap. The weight felt dead and heavy, his legs were stuck underneath him, unable to move. When his hands searched and found no purchase he blinked. There was no body, just crumpled sheets and shaking hands. His brain adjusted to, Right, nightmare. Not real.

His chest was pounding. He took a couple of moments to breathe, rubbing off the tremors in his hands.

He looked at angry red numbers beside him that blinked 02:15.

His head fell back to the pillow and he groaned. He felt like he was just getting worse. Thoughts spiraled around his head, getting louder and banging against the edges of his skull. He heard explosions and roars, someone screaming. He felt the drying stickiness of blood through his gloves. One red eye half closed, unblinking.

He got up, tears and anger bubbling inside him. He grabbed his coat and sneakers and headed out. 

Air. He needed air. He left his dorm as quietly as he could, down through the sleeping corridors and out into the cool, still campus.

The moon was still bright enough in the sky that it made the silent grounds feel eerily like day. His sneakers crunched under stone and with a burst he pushed himself forward, sprinting toward the perimeter. He’d do a few laps and tire out his brain enough to just collapse until morning. In his head this was a pretty sound idea. 

He barely got a few meters in before a scarf snapped around him and pulled him to a stop.

His heart plummeted as he saw Aizawa, exhausted and irritated, pace towards him.

“And what exactly are you doing out of bed past curfew, Midoriya?”

Izuku cursed himself. He hadn’t been subtle at all, and conveniently forgot about curfew. Though he wished Present Mic had been on watch this time letting him off with a strong warning. Now he saw detentions and extra essays threatening behind Aizawa’s eyes. 

“S-sensmpf!” he muffled out, the bandages wrapped tightly around his mouth, arms and legs, keeping him in place. Aizawa loosened them a minuscule amount, enough to let Izuku speak.

“Sensei I-…” his shoulders sagged, his burst of energy sapped away from him, leaving him bone tired, “I’m s-sorry… I forgot about it, I'll just head back..”

His shoulders slumped as he made to move back towards his dorm building but Aizawa’s taut scarf kept him in place. His dry eye gaze was piercing, leaving Izuku feeling bare and open. It was impossible to hide anything from his perceptive teacher so he relented.

“I.. couldn’t sleep.”

Aizawa said nothing, waiting for further explanation.

Izuku wasn’t going to be able to wriggle out of this he knew. His teacher’s one astute eye was pinning him to the spot and reading him plain as an open book. But seemingly he was waiting for Izuku to explain it for himself.

The corners of his eyes started to sting and his nose grew hot.

“I can’t stop seeing it… everything.. from back then.. w-with All For One,” he sniffed down at his feet, annoyed he couldn’t hold back the wobble in his voice.

He felt dumb. It had been 2 years, they were already in their final year. So why was all of this coming back now?

Aizawa let out a sigh and withdrew the confines from around Izuku.

“How long has this been happening, Midoriya?”

“Maybe a few weeks or so.. I’m not sure, but the last few days it’s been getting worse”, he looked at his scarred hands, clenching and unclenching them. He tried not to think about what his gloves looked like then, torn and dark with blood.

He could feel Aizawa analyzing him.

“And has anything happened that could have triggered these memories coming back now?”

Deku’s eyes drifted up to the glass dorm building in front of them, housing all of their classmates over the last 3 years. Some of the closest friends he’d ever have. He knew where Katsuki’s window was located and focused on it.

“I guess everything is changing and I can’t stop it.. I-I mean I don’t want to stop it! I want to see everyone succeed and do their best! But…” his voice trailed off. 

What if I can’t save them?

Aizawa pressed a hand to his shoulder. He looked back at his teacher, the person who probably knew all his flaws and strengths better than anyone. The weight of his hand was still reassuring and strong.

“We’re heroes, kiddo. Change comes with the job and you will see a lot more of it, unfortunately,” his remaining left eye was stoic and hard but a current of resoluteness sparked through them, “What we can do is to fight for the change we want.”

Izuku stared at him, needles stabbing into his chest, because what he wanted was selfish and impossible.

Aizawa dropped his hand and turned to lead him back to the dorm. Izuku could hear the faint metal clicks from his prosthetic leg as they walked.

He stepped through the entrance as Aizawa held the door open for him, his teacher’s shrewd gaze never leaving him.

“T-Thanks, Sensei,” he mumbled, trying to hide the sadness there.

“Hm. I don’t want to see another night time jog for the rest of the semester.” 

Izuku smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck and turned to head back to his room.

“And Midoriya -“

Izuku looked back, Aizawa’s tired eye still trained on him with an all-knowing stare. Even with just the light of the moon haloed around him, Izuku could see him about to say something. His teacher stopped and paused instead. His posture loosened and his bored expression returned.

“I still expect to see you at class in 5 hours time.’

The remainder of Izuku’s energy bled from him and he gave his teacher a tired smile, “O-of course, Sensei! Goodnight!’

He trudged back up the stairs to his room, feeling defeated and worse off than when he left and flopped onto his bed in an exhausted heap.

———

The next day passed by miserably. Incredibly, he did not fall back asleep. The reels of memories flickered through his mind every time he closed his eyes. He got an hour of dreamless sleep before his alarm startled him awake.

He slowly dragged himself to class, grabbing a banana on the way. Ochako met him in the hall, her face tinged with worry.

“Deku-kun, is everything okay?” her voice soft, eyes bouncing all over him, “I’m getting a bit worried about you..”

He lifted his head and gave her a weak smile. He couldn’t be dragging his friends into his melancholy.

“Ah! I’m okay, Ochako-chan! Just a little sleepy. I feel like we’ve gotten more homework in the last few weeks, right? J-just busy!” he laughed nervously, trying to brush off her worry.

She frowned at him, completely unconvinced. Iida was bounding over to them, fresh and prepared for the day.

“Good morning to you both! Midoriya-kun, you must not slouch, it’s bad for your posture and neck!” his hands cut through the air to emphasize his point.

Izuku straightened up, obeying his class rep but failed to take in his surroundings. As he took another step his head collided with the wall right beside the class room’s doorway. The sound was loud enough to have all the heads already inside turn and look at him.

“Woah, hey!” Ochako grabbed his shoulders as he wobbled on his feet, his head spinning. The floor below him looked really cosy right about now, “seriously, are you okay? Do you want me to take you to the nurse? Or back to your room? I can let Aizawa-sensei know..”

Izuku thought of his uninvitingly empty bedroom filled with silences and bad dreams.

“N-no honestly, I’m good Ochako-chan! Thanks for worrying about me,” he smiled feebly and patted her arm in reassurance. 

She was still frowning at him, giving him a look that said I’m not letting this go and slowly went to her seat.

His head felt like lead as he made his way over to his seat, threatening to fall straight onto the desk.

As he sat down there was movement in front of him and screech of a chair leg being dragged against the floor.

“You look like shit.”

With eyes half lidded, he dragged his gaze up from the desk and looked at Katsuki in front of him. The explosive blonde was watching him with that plain, neutral expression from yesterday. It hadn’t been more than 12 hours since he last saw him and already Izuku had missed him. There was a comforting reassurance of coming into class and knowing he’d always be met with Kacchan in front of him. Like he could be safe knowing he was back to his old routine. He could forget about all the plaguing memories and return to how they always were.

He gave Katsuki a sleepy smile and rubbed at his eye.

“Morning to you too~”

The authoritative slam of the classroom door being shut and chairs skirting back to their positions, roused Izuku a little more awake.

As the lesson started he looked down at his desk and his stomach let out a growl.

He forgot to eat his banana.

———

Ochako, as Izuku figured, did not let it go. She watched him closely through the rest of first period, navigated him around the cafeteria during break and linked arms with him on the way to Hero Training class in the afternoon. Iida marched in front of them, ensuring they got there as safely as possible. He was at least grateful to them that he wouldn’t blindly run into anymore doorways.

During Hero Training, Class 3-A went through quirk drills and sparring practice with Snipe three times a week, fine tuning all of their skill sets for the field. It was one of Izuku’s favourite classes in his third year since he could watch his classmates show off their signature moves. Despite the lack of sleep he was looking forward to the class and taking some notes.

When they arrived outside the gym doors they all filed through into the gargantuan room. The entire floor was covered in soft mats, with the high arching ceilings towering at least 4 stories high.

The three of them picked a spot against the wall and sat down with the rest of their classmates, watching as they got called up in pairs to practice.

They didn’t have their equipment or suits with them, Snipe preferring instead to practice their quirks at their base level.

Izuku watched as Tsuyu skilfully dodged a hardened attack from Kirishima, pouncing into the air and tacking herself to the wall with the pads of her hands and feet. She whipped out her tongue in a flash. Kirishima turned to dodge but the tongue wrapped around his calf and pulled him off his feet, his back hitting the mat.

Snipe’s arm rose to announce the bout had been finished and Kirishima groaned, pushing back his hair. 

“Man! Tsuyu, you're getting way too fast.”

“Gero ~” she croaked as they both returned to the wall.

Todoroki got to the mat next with Katsuki in tow.

The class spent the last semester focusing on their weaknesses and how to counter balance them. Izuku had already been cataloging everyone since their first year, eager to see how each pair would face each other. Todoroki’s abilities had gotten frighteningly strong and much to Katsuki’s chagrin, his ice attacks were proving to be a thorn in the blonde’s side. However, whatever advantages Todoroki had with his quirk, Katsuki made up for it with power and stamina.

Everyone proceeded to jostle on their coats and wrap their scarves around them.

Katsuki glared dangerously at his two-toned peer in front of him, fists balled at his sides at the ready.

With a sharp flash of his wrist, Todoroki covered the entire gym, from floor to ceiling, in a thick layer of ice, dropping the temperature of the room until they could all see their breath puffing out in front of them. Izuku felt goosebumps ride up along his arms and pulled on some gloves to help.

Katsuki’s grin was manic, his arms sticking out behind him as his palms heated and started to pop. The cold temperature was going to be a disadvantage but it only riled him up more.

“Come at me, shitty Half n’Half!”

Todoroki instead chose to stick with long range, pulling up sheets of ice and firing pillars into Katsuki’s direction. The other flipped backwards out of the way. He kicked off one of the whizzing ice missiles and with enough momentum, exploded his hands in a jet that sent him propelling towards Todoroki.

He was fast, but his firepower was dulled a little from the cold. Still, it was incredible he was producing enough sweat to keep his quirk at such a high intensity. The ground below was rendered useless by the slippy sheet of ice so he would have to stay in the air and act quickly.

Katsuki somersaulted, twisted and dived past blunt pillars of ice, keeping up his heart rate and aiming to get into close combat. Todoroki had an even aura of heat surrounding him, keeping his ice side from freezing over. If Kacchan got close enough and was able to stay there, he might be able to mitigate the effects of the cold.

Izuku watched, his eyes trained on Todoroki’s movements, calculating where the next attack could strike from.

On your left he thought, and as if Katsuki had heard him, he ducked past another firing missile and landed his palm on Todoroki’s heated shoulder. 

Katsuki’s eyes ignited and he detonated an ear splitting explosion, plunging Todoroki to the ground.

Shoto brushed his hand out behind him, a slope of ice sliding him back into the air as he shot out, quick as lighting, a burst of cold air that encapsulated one of Katsuki’s hands.

The blonde whipped his head around at the ball of ice that encased his left hand. In the brief moment of distraction three long sickles punched forward through the air, hurtling towards Katsuki’s exposed chest.

Izuku’s eyes widened, he didn’t even realise what was happening before his two friends jumped beside him. Snipe was pushing himself off the wall and he could see the startled faces of both Katsuki and Todoroki snapping around, looking at him. He saw his arm outstretched in front of him, fingers clutching at the air.

Black Whip had shot out and snapped Katsuki out of the way, the other tendrils catching Todoroki and slamming him into the nearest wall.

Izuku’s heart was hammering, his vision swimming with images of Katsuki skewered in mid air. He was staring forward, blinking into nothing until he saw Katsuki’s eyes, wide and shocked and the traces of an explosion ready to erupt from him.

He looked to Todoroki where a large web of cracks splintered the ice where he made contact with the wall. Snipe was in front of him suddenly, a hand on his shoulder. His level voice grounded him back to the gym room.

“Midoriya, release them. Now.”

He looked to his teacher, his eyes feeling dry and cracked. Black Whip loosened, slowly laying the two back onto the floor and withdrawing it back into his palm.

Snipe was silent for a moment as Katsuki stood up pissed and Todoroki shuffled forward clutching his arm.

“The FUCK was that, huh?? What the hell?!”

“Midoriya.. are you alright?”

Izuku’s heart and mind were racing, suddenly realising what he had done.

“Back to the dorms, Midoriya. We will cover your session in the next class, for now I think you need rest,” Snipe offered a hand and helped him to his feet.

Had Aizawa-sensei said something?

He wobbled a little on the spot. Iida held his arm for support and Ochako stood beside him, worry etched into her face. He hadn’t the energy to protest with his teacher and instead gave Iida a reassuring pat to say I’m fine and lugged his bag onto his shoulders.

“Do you need me to..?”

“I-I’m good, Ochako-chan. Thanks! I’ll be okay. Excuse me,” he bowed in apology to his teacher and then towards Katsuki and Todoroki.

Katsuki hissed, crunching the thawing ice under his feet, “Oi!”

Izuku turned and left the gym hall without looking back, returning to his dorm room as quickly as he could.

———

When he finally clicked his bedroom door behind him, his bag fell from his shoulders and hit the floor with a dull thud. His back slid down the door and he curled up into a ball, hot tears bubbling and flooding down his cheeks.

It wasn’t getting better and it sure enough wasn’t going away. 

Katsuki was leaving . Katsuki was leaving and Izuku would be losing him all over again. 

After everything.. 

After the relief of seeing the heart monitor beep in the ICU. After he watched him struggle with physio when he got back on his feet. After they came back into second year and barely left each other’s sides. After they started interning at the same agency and Katsuki would look over his shoulder at him, grinning, all teeth and a spark ignited through his eyes.

Everything that had been building between them, ever since they had reconciled, was spilling through his fingers like sand.

His heart ached so much it felt like it had dropped and shattered into thousands of pieces at the bottom of his gut.  

It was hopeless, he thought. He was just going to feel this way forever.

Miserably, he gathered himself and crawled over to his bed. He shucked off his jacket and gloves, ripped his phone out of the pocket and placed it on the bed side table.

He hadn’t even the energy to undress as he crawled under the covers, gym clothes and all, and tucked his head into the pillow.

His phone started to ping and light up ever so often. He closed his eyes to it and turned to the wall.

Tendrils of sleep slowly started to coil around him and then dragged him under.

~

Izuku was kneeling on the floor, Katsuki’s head propped up with his torn scarf. He couldn’t touch him. His hands were shaking. He heard the whirr of EMTs in the distance but everything else felt so silent. He could hear the grains of sand knocking against each other in the wind. The rustle of his suit billowed to the side. He could hear everything except Katsuki.

Katsuki wasn’t moving. He didn’t even look like he was breathing. 

A blur of denim and a muffled voice was trying to get him to stand. Paramedics were swimming into his vision, another pair of arms lifting him up.

He felt like lead, his legs refusing to lift.

A mask fitted over Katsuki’s half bloodied face and they started compressions.

His eyes swam, his breath hitching as Katsuki’s body pulsed lifelessly.

Please… Kacchan… Katsuki please.

He was crying and crying and crying. He cried so much his throat was raw, his vision blurred behind globs of tears. He tried to reach out helplessly but suddenly the ruined landscape was ripped out from under him.

He materialised into a cold, white hospital room.

Katsuki’s room.

His head was in his hands now, elbows cushioned on the hospital bed. The hard plastic chair digging into his sides.

You can’t go. You’re not allowed to go. I just got you back..

He sniffed and sobbed and begged.

“Iz….”

His focus snapped up when he felt the barest of movements under the thin hospital blanket.

Izuku’s eyes went wide.

Was he.. was he actually waking up?

Katsuki’s head slowly turned just an inch, one eye cracked open to a slit.

The blonde couldn’t manage anything more than broken sounds, but his bandaged fingers still twitched with life. 

Izuku choked out a sob. Relief, fear, worry all flooding through him. He placed his own wrapped hands on top, oh so gently, and bowed his head, brushing his forehead against Katsuki’s knuckles.

“Cr…y..bab..y..” Katsuki wheezed out and Izuku laughed, wet and painful, his chest so tight he may burst.

The room shifted and the hand he had been holding was clutching a piece of paper. 

Katsuki was looking at him now, more distantly. There was that expression he couldn’t read. The ground started to crack in two between their feet. It jaggedly tore a fissure through the earth and violently began to pull them away from each other.

Everything started to crumble and disintegrate as if touched by Shigarki’s quirk. 

Izuku reached across at the growing chasm between them, stretching as far as he could.

His fingers just brushed against Katsuki’s until his hand had turned grey and dissolved through his finger tips. 

Izuku stared helplessly as the grey, feathered dust spread up through Katsuki’s face and then -

He fell.

~

Izuku woke, facing out to his room. His cheek was stiff with dried tears, the pillow under him damp. The room had become dark save for the light of waning moon and the few campus lights shining outside.

The rush of anxiety from the dream dissipated and he was left with a dull pang in the middle of his chest.

He slowly grabbed for his phone, the screen lighting up to 23:45. He blearily swiped the unlock and was met with several stacks of notifications.

Ochako

(5 messages)

Iida

(2 messages)

Shoto

(3 messages)

CLASS A+ULTRA 🏳️‍🌈

(99+ messages)

Kacchan

(4 messages)

His heart raced as his thumb hovered over the icons. He hesitated then decided to tap onto Katsuki’s thread anyway.

Kacchan 

Seriously what the fuck was that all about?? (15:10)

OI!! (15:42)

Better hope you’re sleeping and not fucking ignoring me shit face (16:03)

just fucking just text me back when you see this (16:08)

He stared at the screen. What could he possibly text back? Oh I’ve been having nightmares about you dying over and over again ‘cause you’re leaving soon. No worries! 

He squeezed the edges of the phone and hit it against his forehead.

He rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. His nose started to sting and his eyes felt hot just from looking at it. The ceiling above was dotted with an array of faint yellow stars, now dim and muted, the glow having faded from them. The memory from a couple of months ago started to resurface, when he and Katsuki were studying in his room, arguing about something forgettable and stupid. Katsuki had thrown a book at the ceiling in response and it got caught in the dip of his All Might poster, ripping it in the middle.

Izuku said it was fine, because it was really fine. It was an old poster he had no room for and just tacked it to the ceiling to save space. But Katsuki was yelling curse words at him and stomping his feet with “Who the fuck puts a poster up there anyway?!” And by that weekend Katsuki had gone out and bought these multipacks of All Might branded glow in the dark stars cause Izuku’s lame ass always complained about the dark anyway and this was a much better substitute than that shitty old poster.

He had watched him from his desk chair on a Sunday afternoon as Katsuki tip-toed on his bed, one foot balanced on the headboard as he stuck tiny yellow stars to the ceiling.

Izuku was so stupidly, incredibly, overwhelmingly in love with him.

He shifted on the bed, turning his gaze away from it when the pangs in his chest started to beat worse, his nose leaking. All he wanted was for things to stay the same, to keep having these small moments with Kacchan that no one ever saw of him. That only Izuku ever saw.

His teacher’s voice echoed in his ears.

“Fight for the change we want..”

Fight for Kacchan..

What was he even thinking? Of stopping him? Well the alternative, his mind supplied, was standing at the crossroads and walking in different directions. The idea of starting their careers, their lives , separated, after everything they’ve worked for felt wrong. Katsuki had always been there . Izuku never imagined him anywhere else.

But he didn’t want to deny Katsuki his future either. Katsuki was like a burning, bright star, blinding and dazzling Izuku every time he looked up. As he leapt into the air, the brilliant blue sky behind him, the sheer power sparking and crackling from his hands. The face Katsuki would make, wild and alive and determined, like nothing could stand in his way. Izuku would watch him, eyes sparkling, always in awe. 

Kacchan was amazing. He deserved the whole world. 

But now Izuku’s heart felt like it was going to snap in two.

He clutched the sides of his hair as his mind argued and wrestled with itself for another 10 minutes. Eventually his body threw reason out the window and he shoved the covers off him. He was so bone deep tired he gave up questioning what to do and got up. 

He left his room without slippers, closing his door with a tiny click and quietly paced over to the stairs. His hand held onto the banister and with a deep inhale and out, he climbed up. He had been up here more times in the last two years than he could count. Between doing group work, studying for exams and lazing about on weekends, Katsuki’s room felt like a safe space for him. Now as he climbed the steps it felt like he was going into somewhere of no return.

Quietly, he made his way over to the front of Katsuki’s door. His heart was hammering, his blood thrumming so loudly in his ears that he thought he might wake everyone with the sound. He reached for the handle, his mind screaming at him to turn back. Katsuki almost always locked his door at night so this would be a simple matter of turning the handle, meeting a firm lock of resistance and leaving very quickly. Except when he turned the handle it kept going until he heard a click and the door released from the latch.

Izuku cursed in his head but he couldn’t go back now. A combination of exhaustion and the lingering words of his sensei had him pushing through the doorway.

Katsuki’s room was dark save for the small parting in the curtains that let in the dimly lit night sky. They fluttered softly with the calm wind coming through the window. He closed the door softly behind him, his legs shaky, his heart caught in a raging whirlpool in his chest. The room was always so neat with everything in its correct place. The objects on his desk were organised and folded away, his wall shelves with rows of books neatly stacked and his uniform hanging against the wardrobe for the morning. 

The only thing askew was the mound of blankets on the bed, turned and twisted facing the wall. It rose and fell with even breaths. Izuku’s heart felt a little lighter seeing him here and not the still, lifeless Kacchan that had been plaguing him for weeks.

He paced over to bed on wobbly legs and knelt beside it, his hand coming up and resting as gently as he could on the crest of the duvet. It moved in a slow, repeated rhythm. If Izuku tried he could hear Katsuki’s heart thud softly. 

Katsuki’s heart. 

Izuku’s whole heart.

He felt his eyes grow hot, wobbling pools flooding his vision. He gripped the duvet and bent his head so that it rested on the mattress. There was an eerie sense of déjà vu from his dream that night. He hated that hospital room. He hated going in and seeing Katsuki limp with exhaustion, marred with bandages and tubes. The heart monitor giving him the only bit of solace that he was still here with him.

When he woke up and called him crybaby it was the happiest Izuku had been in weeks. 

He had gotten him back. His fiery, explosive Kacchan was back.

Now everything was moving again, changing and out of control. He started to spiral, thinking of the worst. Thinking of Katsuki without him, in another city, fighting alongside someone else who didn’t know him like Izuku did. Fighting by himself. What if it happened again? What if there wasn’t any backup? What if Katsuki was left there to bleed out? 

He didn’t realise he was mumbling until a voice broke him out of his thoughts.

“Hey..”

Izuku looked up, globs of tears rolling down his cheeks. Katsuki was sitting up, frowning at him. He rustled under the fabric and pushed the blankets apart, revealing the empty space between them. 

“C’mere.”

Strong arms came out and caught Izuku, pulling him up from his knees and hauling him onto the warm mattress. He fell forward easily, his body giving in after endless nights of exhaustion.

His face met a warm chest as the blankets wrapped back over them. One arm pillowed his head while another slid around his waist and pulled him in. Izuku felt like he was being swallowed up in a mix of anxiety and the soft scent of Katsuki’s sheets. He didn’t realise he was holding his breath until he felt a hand run up along his back, coaxing him to relax. 

The reassuring weight of Katsuki’s arms around him brought him out of his thoughts and settled him back down to reality. In the quiet space between them, Izuku shuddered out a soft cry and folded into him. 

He wrapped his free arm around Katsuki’s waist and tucked the other up in between them. Their legs felt clumsy, ankles knocking but they tangled around each other, finding a comfortable spot and settling there.

They lay there for a while as he hiccuped through wet sobs. The hand on his back stroked up and down in slow movements until his breath was meeting them, letting his thunderous heart reduce back to a steady beat. The anxiety and panic slowly started to ebb away.

Izuku could hear Katsuki’s own heart pressed against his ear. He closed his eyes and listened to the thump thump thump, the reassuring sound that he was still here. Still alive.

He clutched the fabric of Katsuki’s vest and buried in deeper, hoping maybe he could hide himself away and stop time in this moment.

Katsuki shifted, his chin resting on the mess of Izuku’s hair.

“You gunna tell me what the fucks been going on?” his voice was muffled under all the limbs and blankets but Izuku could still hear.

Izuku stayed silent for a while, distracting himself with waltzing heartbeats and heavy arms. He didn’t want to voice his selfishness but the alternative was unbearable. Katsuki had always been there. Reliable and present. He had taken it for granted it’d always be that way. Now the reality was setting in of being apart, becoming heroes in different places, growing older with different friends. 

His voice felt small and meek, wanting to stay hidden in this nest and not be heard.

“Don’t go to the exchange program..”

Katsuki went still, the motions on Izuku’s back coming to a halt. He bit down on his lip, hating his selfishness bubbling up around him.

“Seriously? That’s why you’ve been so miserable?”

“It’s everything..” Izuku’s arm loosened around Katsuki’s side and pressed his hand into the middle of his chest. He felt the scar there, the skin rough and jagged, “it’s been everything.. and.. I-I don’t want to lose Kacchan again.”

Katsuki was unnervingly silent, making him bite the inside of his cheek. Izuku hated feeling this way. He didn’t want to stand in the way of Katsuki’s career. He was always rooting for Katsuki to be the best but.. he wanted him to be the best beside him . Izuku was selfish and stubborn and the only way he could know Katsuki would be safe was right here. He kept his head bowed, fumbling with a loose thread on Katsuki’s vest. 

“Forget it. It’s dumb and stupid and selfish. I don’t really want you to not go but I-”

“Then come with me.” Katsuki cut him off before the tumble of words started to spill out.

Izuku stopped his movements, his mind screeching to a halt. 

He looked up. Katsuki moved his chin from atop his head and looked back. 

The light from the waning moon shone through the window, illuminating the outlines of Katsuki’s features. His strong jaw and sharp cheekbones. His spiked hair that stuck out over the pillow. Even in this light he could still see the resoluteness behind his bright, red eyes.

“W-what? Move city? But they didn’t offer it to me.. I don’t know if they’d let us.”

“Don’t fuckin’ care I’ll make ‘em,” Katsuki’s voice gravelled in a way that lit every ember in Izuku’s chest, “you think they’re gunna say no to me ? We’re already on the charts for next best debut they fuckin’ need us.”

Izuku blinked, then smiled at Katsuki’s cocksure attitude. Nothing really seemed to phase him. Izuku always felt like a ball of anxiety, tangled and knotted. Katsuki was like a hot iron, smoothing out all his wrinkles and edges until the idea of the future ahead didn’t seem so daunting.

He bit back the fear crawling up his neck. Something about the openness in Katsuki’s features told him to be brave. 

His hand came up gingerly and stroked the edge of Katsuki’s cheek.

“Really?”

Katsuki bowed his head until their foreheads met. His voice smooth and thick like honey.

“Yeah, really.”

It was so easy then, like the most natural thing in the world, to lean up and just kiss him. 

Katsuki was soft and warm and smelled faintly of caramel. It was so gentle that Izuku’s lips trembled, one hand on Katsuki’s rough cheek the other pressed over his chest. His fingers dipped and brushed against the scars etched into the skin.

Katsuki pulled him in like a current. Big arms enveloped around him like he was being wrapped up away from the world. He breathed in deeply and poured himself back into Izuku. All the things that had built up over the years, everything that had been left unsaid, melted between them. Their heads tilted and lips molded together like they were a perfect fit. 

Izuku’s heart raced, his fingers tingling. He ran them up through spiked hair and felt Katsuki release a full body shiver. His blood was ignited, he felt dizzy and drunk. Everything was bursting out of him and spilling out over his lips. He dived deeper, searching and pulling every bit of Katsuki out from under him. 

Teeth met lips, still gentle and playful, testing the waters. They parted languidly, inviting in a roll of tongue that licked and brushed up against his. Katsuki devoured him hungrily, swallowing down the tiny moans that crashed with each wave of lips. Izuku’s head swam and suddenly he realised he forgot how to breathe. His hands scrambled as he pulled back an inch for a gasp of air. But Katsuki chased after him, not giving him a second as he hungrily nipped and kissed at his lips, at his cheeks and down along his jaw.

Izuku laughed at the tickling sensation and squirmed when canines pinched at his skin.

“Kacchan! Hey - ow ! How are your teeth so sharp?” he let out a tiny squeak when Katsuki bit and kissed the part just under his ear.

“Deal with it, crybaby,” he voice vibrated against his pulse and Izuku was pretty sure he was going to dissolve and to turn into a human puddle.

“So.. mean..” Izuku’s voice trailed off as Katsuki peppered kisses down along his neck then planted his lips down on a vein and sucked. Izuku’s brain sparked like a firework, fizzled and ground to a complete stop.

Kacchan was kissing him. Kissing his neck, over his lips, along his cheeks. He was biting his skin and nuzzling into his collar. Every bit of him felt like it was captured and claimed underneath Kacchan. All of his senses were swimming with just Kacchan.

He must have made a noise because Katsuki pulled back, and returned to place a few more chaste kisses on his lips.

“I ain’t going anywhere. So stop fuckin’ worrying, alright?” Katsuki nudged his nose against his like he was swatting at him.

Izuku slowly came back to the realm of the living, a little breathless and disorientated from, well, everything. Katsuki was watching him with his sharp eyes, a hint of concern subtlety etched in there. He smiled, nudging Katsuki’s nose back reassuringly, his thumb coming out to brush the other’s now puffy bottom lip.

“Yeah.. you’re stuck with me now, though.” 

Katsuki looked at him, stopping for a moment to take him in. That plain, soft expression that Izuku couldn’t quite read, was back. Now, as he lay pressed into Katsuki’s sheets with those warm hands wrapped around his waist, it started to dawn on him. Thinking back to all those evenings they spent studying together when Katsuki would glance over at him in between writing. Or when he’d turn on his chair before class started and give Izuku a wordless look of acknowledgment. Or a few days ago when they opened their letters and Katsuki just stood there, staring at him. Izuku always thought he was being sized up, evaluated under scrutinising eyes, but now he felt every bit of Katsuki’s affection washing over him.

He cares about you too.

Katsuki allowed Izuku a little while longer to play with his lip, before teeth came out in a flash and bit down on his thumb. Izuku yipped but Katsuki was pulling at his hand and turning his face to bite and kiss down his wrist. 

His tongue rolled along down the vein and kissed one of the scars there tenderly.

“Always been stuck to you, nerd.”

Izuku’s entire body went up in flame. He was sure it was too dark for Katsuki to notice but the other was grinning as he draped Izuku’s arm back around his waist and pulled him back towards his chest.

“Now go the fuck to sleep. Have shit to do tomorrow.”

Izuku mentally stumbled, trying to get his bearings with his cheek pressed back up against Katsuki. He felt dizzy and giddy with his lips still tingling. This was real. This was really real. He wasn’t losing him anymore. Katsuki was staying. He was here, breathing and alive beside him. It didn’t matter where they went, what part of the world they were thrown to. Izuku would go and Katsuki would follow.

His heart felt warm and full with Katsuki’s arms wrapped around him and their legs interlocked. He let out a shaky breath and the last of his worries dissipated. In that moment, all the nights of exhaustion had finally caught up with him and he sagged, his bones heavy. He sank into the warm cocoon enveloped around him with Katsuki’s deep, slow breaths finally lulling him to sleep.

“Night, Kacchan,” he mumbled softly.

Katsuki adjusted his arm and pressed his nose into his hair.

“Night, Izuku.”

———

It was like a light had switched off and blinked back on again.

Izuku woke up enveloped by warmth. He was lying on his side, his hands tucked up in front of him. A larger, smoother hand rested on top of his and a solid weight pressed up against his back. 

Sunlight dappled in through the peek between the curtains, sprinkles of dust glittering lazily in the warm yellow glow. 

Izuku mumbled something incoherent and stretched, still in a daze of sleepiness. His limbs fell back heavy to the bed, feeling fuzzy and warm.

He had finally slept. No nightmares, no shocks in the middle of the night. He dreamt of absolutely nothing, waking up feeling lazy and well rested.

Katsuki must have felt him wake as he pulled Izuku closer, his chest now flush against his back. He nudged Izuku’s ear with his nose, kissing the shell and down along to the edge of his jaw.

“Morning,” Izuku hummed, stretching his neck and turning to face him, “you sleep okay?”

He blinked blearily awake, before his heart stuttered to a stop. What lay in front of him was downright illegal.

In the bright morning light he could see Katsuki more clearly. He had just propped himself up on his elbow, bulging out his sinfully sculpted arms. His dusty blonde hair was flat on one side from the pillow and stuck up in all other directions. His ruby eyes were hazy, like deep, molten lava swimming around in his irises. He was looking down at Izuku with that soft expression, his brow relaxed, a soft dusting of pink on his cheeks and his lips turned up in a small smirk.

Izuku’s stomach burst into a flutter of butterflies. He had it bad, he had it so bad.

“Like hell. You snore so loud, loser,” Katsuki grinned at him, pushing back Izuku’s curly hair from his eyes.

Okay, never mind.

“I… I do not!” Izuku’s cheeks burned, affronted. He shoved his palms into the blonde’s face, pushing him off. Katsuki just cackled and pulled him in closer, biting at his cheek.

“Yeah you do, it’s unattractive as hell.”

“Oh my god, Kacchan stop,” Izuku tussled with him, wrestling against tickling fingers.

Eventually he gave in to the hands that cupped his jaw, the lips peppering him all over until they landed finally on his. Katsuki inhaled and Izuku melted, his body falling into him. Katsuki dragged it from him, slow, deep and so damn gently.

Izuku sighed into it. His mind, his skin, his smell, all filled with Katsuki.

Katsuki.

Katsuki…

“Keep calling me that and we’re gunna have a problem,” Katsuki’s voice was dangerously low, heavy like syrup.

Izuku’s entire being burned because he didn’t just say that. Out loud. In Kacchan’s bedroom. Oh god. He couldn’t handle this stupidly, confident Kacchan right now, absolutely destroying him from the inside out. 

Izuku groaned, pushing him off, Kacchan all grin and teeth.

“You done being emo then?”

“Hey,” Izuku pouted between his stretched arms, a little hurt.

Katsuki rolled his eyes and pulled Izuku back into him with ease.

“I already said I ain’t going anywhere. You wanna come with me? Fine. You wanna stay? I’ll stay.”

Katsuki looked at him that gave no room for interpretation. He never said his words lightly, always a fierce honesty burning behind them. It was one of the things Izuku loved about him. Now as he stared back into Katsuki’s unwavering gaze, the anxiety and doubt started to slowly lift from his shoulders. 

Katsuki dropped his head back down, lightly pressing their foreheads together. His voice dropped, quiet like a whisper, like locking a promise between them.

“Either way, you ain’t going anywhere either, got it?”

Katsuki’s reassurance had Izuku smiling. Everything he had been worried about, trembling over for weeks, Katsuki had nipped so succinctly in the bud. 

He laced his hands around Katsuki’s neck. The road ahead didn’t feel so daunting, so isolated anymore. Suddenly it opened up wide, Katsuki’s figure now standing beside him, his arm outstretched and reachable. Izuku finally caught it, holding it tight.

 “Yeah… I got it,” Izuku sighed contentedly.

Katsuki’s hands came up around his face, thumbs brushing over his cheeks. Izuku could fall here endlessly, for the rest of time and just give in. He closed his eyes and Katsuki sealed the distance between them, cupping his whole life in his hands.

In the quiet morning light, when everything was still hazy and asleep, birds faintly chirping awake, Izuku smiled around tender kisses. 

He’d never let him go again.