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Chris wasn't sure where he was, so wrapped up in the warmth of the atmosphere around him. His eyes were closed but it was almost like he could see the room anyway; a cozy shade on the wall, the heat of his lover and that cologne Chris loved so much mixed together to create an almost dream-like ecstasy. He hugged the body pressed against him tighter as he buried his face into the crook of Piers's neck. "G'morning." His sleepy boyfriend mumbled, Chris shook at the raspiness of his voice. "Morning, handsome." Chris whispered before attaching lips to neck. Piers moaned under him and Chris reveled in it, aiming to draw out a hundred more sounds just like that one.
Piers rolled over before he could, but Chris didn't mind. He loved looking at him. "I love you, Chris." His tone was... off. Too serious for sleepy kisses. Chris squinted at him, studying what seemed to be nothing: Piers was just staring at him with a smile. His right hand snuck under the smaller's shirt to caress soft skin, and he lightly dragged his short fingernails over the man's abdomen and up his chest. Chris watched with a satisfied smile as he trembled under his touch, he knew that drove Piers crazy.
Wrong. Something's wrong.
Chris halted once that thought occurred, but Piers was still staring at him like nothing had happened, a lazy smile and half open eyes. Chris shrugged it off.
"I love you Piers." He whispered into the space between them, closing his eyes to lean in for a proper kiss. The lips pressed against his didn't reciprocate and they were... cold. Wrong. Wrong!
He jerked backwards alarmed, and it only got worse when he opened his eyes. Piers was still staring at him silently, but now his eyes were laced with panic as his skin turned green and black. A laceration as big as Chris's favorite knife begun soaking into his features. "...Chris?" He asked, full of fear as he went rigid.
"Chris?" He bolted upright and opened his eyes in an instant, drawing in heavy breaths. Holy shit. That fucking sucked.
"Are you okay?" The voice beside him spoke again, he turned his attention on Leon. Right, Leon. His current partner. Piers is... Piers is dead.
"Uh— Y-Yeah I think so." He remembered so vividly what he'd just witnessed, and while it was awful he couldn't help but find some sick sort of comfort in it too; it seemed his subconscious remembered perfectly how Piers slotted against his body, the way his voice sounded when he'd just woken up, even what he smelled like. Experiencing it first hand again and not just through a memory was as exhilarating as it was heartbreaking.
"Did I ever tell you you talk in your sleep?" Chris's head snapped up, only registering then that Leon might not be okay himself. Brown eyes met guarded blues and Chris put two and two together quickly. "Oh." The expressionless mask on Leon's face had been reduced to a distant memory, something he hadn't seen in a long time. Leon stared at his hands. "You were asleep the whole time, right?" He was trying to hide it, but the waver in his voice screamed insecure. "The whole time?" Chris asked, not waiting for an answer before he continued, "Yes. I'm sorry." He didn't know what happened and he didn't know if it was okay to ask. He remembered the last five seconds of the dream, but who knows how long he'd been pawing at Leon and calling him his dead boyfriend's name. Ex. His dead ex's name.
"Do you want to talk about him?" The mask slipped away marginally, evidently reassured by the fact that Chris was knocked out the entire time. "No... I'm okay. That was a weird one-off, I don't usually dream about him." Chris knew he probably wouldn't have it in him to talk about Piers even if he was still broken about it, but he was coming up on five years without him and as much as it did still hurt he loved Leon immensely. He was able to move on, despite the guilt and the doubt and the backtracking. Leon had been so patient with him through everything. "I'm really glad I get to be with you. I'm sorry if I upset you." Chris moved a hand to Leon's leg and cold fingers grasped at the back of it. "It's okay. You can talk to me, though. If you ever need to. You know that, right?" Chris conjured the best smile he could, which wasn't saying much. "Yeah. Thank you."
He melted back into the sheets and held his arms out for Leon, who cracked a sad smile and settled against him. "I love you. I'm sorry." Chris whispered into the soft hair brushing against his cheek. Leon gave him a quick squeeze. "I love you too, don't feel bad about it." Leon paused, then continued in a whisper, "I'm sorry he's gone." Chris screwed his eyes shut as his grip on Leon tightened, willing the tears not to come. "S'okay." he replied, but it came out choked. It wasn't okay. It never would be. But he had to live with it, and having Leon by his side helped a lot. More than he'd ever know. "I love you so much, Lee." His voice cracked in the emotion as he couldn't hold out any longer. The tears pricked at his eyes painfully on their way down and Leon shuffled upward on the mattress, assuming the role of big spoon as caring hands wrapped around his frame. "I love you more. S'gonna be okay." Chris cried harder at the words.
Most days he wasn't sad about it anymore, couldn't afford to be. He was just glad he got to spend any amount of time with him at all. But times like these reminded him that grief wasn't linear, so he allowed to himself to feel it again.
Wrapped up in Leon's arms was the best place he could think to be in moments of despair, and Chris thought he'd probably never be able to repay what Leon had done for him throughout their course of love.
He didn't mind spending the rest of his life trying, though.