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“I hope they see me at 30.”
“Today my mother asked if I’m depressed, and I got stressed cause I don’t want her to worry.”
“My brother called to say I’m such a mess, so I confessed, my room’s a little dirty.”
“My friends say I look tired; well yeah, I guess I haven’t slept, I try to laugh it off, and it hurts me.”
——————
JJ is sprawled out on his kitchen floor, clutching his throbbing shoulder. The music is blasting so loud that he thinks he might blow an eardrum. JJ doesn’t move a muscle, gravity pulling a single tear out from underneath his squeezed eyelids. He just hopes Luke doesn’t notice this because he knows what would happen if he did.
Unfortunately for him, Luke had been staring at him the whole time.
“What you think you cryin’ for? You ain’t got no reason. Stop being a pussy!” Luke screeches at him. It’s so loud that JJ thinks he’s screaming directly into his ear. Probably a concussion then. Still, JJ doesn’t move, despite the slight shake in his body that he can’t subside.
“You depressed boy?!” his father shouts. That caught JJ’s attention. Luke had never said anything like that. That must’ve been his sick way of showing sympathy, which is ironic since he just beat the shit out of him.
JJ peels his eyes open to see his dad open another beer. A sight he’s seen far too many times to count. He knows that he either needs to wait for him to pass out or he needs to get out of there. He knows he can’t take another beating, not in this state.
JJ is still confused by Luke’s unwarranted words. You depressed, boy? Still ringing in his ears. He had never heard him say anything of the sort. Even when he was ‘sober’ and would tell JJ that he loved him. JJ didn’t think he was capable of seeing anything other than his failure son, who needed to be “put in his place,” as Luke would say.
Luckily for JJ, it seemed that Luke had grown tired of abusing the boy for the night. He laid on the couch, and JJ’s almost positive he heard the beer bottle clunk onto the floor.
He waited about 10 minutes before he decided to pull himself off of the cold floor. Looking towards the living room, he confirmed that Luke would not wake up any time soon, leaving JJ plenty of time to get out of the house. Deciding to take the quieter route through the back door so he wouldn’t have to pass his unconscious father, he slipped through the broken screen door. His bike was broken, so he had to make the long excruciating walk to the Chateau. John B would know how to help him. He always did.
JJ stumbled onto John B’s front porch and knocked twice.
To his surprise, John B did not answer the door. Pope slid into JJ’s view, his eyes wide.
“Oh my God.” He muttered to himself despite JJ hearing him. “John B, come here! Help me for a sec!” Pope called out to the other boy sitting lazily on the couch. JB came running over to the door. “Shit.” He muttered, once he saw the bloody, shaken boy right outside his door.
The image mirrors all the other times they have found themselves in this situation. Only difference, this is the first time someone else has been there. It’s usually just John B.
“Oh, are you guys hanging out? I can go somewhere else. I don’t want to bother you.” JJ chokes out. He didn’t even realize he was crying again. “No. We’re gonna get you inside, JJ, come on.” John B said, motioning for Pope to grab JJ’s left side. JJ winced as Pope's hands gripped his shoulder. He had forgotten how much that hurt.
They made their way over to the couch. John B walking over to get the first aid kit that he kept ready at all times for this very reason.
“Pope, where’s cleo?” JJ asked. “She’s back in the Bahamas visiting Terrence.” Pope responded. JJ hadn’t heard the answer though, he blinked and he quickly felt the world fade away.
Pope was astonished at how well John B handled this situation.
He knew it was happening. Everyone knew to some extent. He just didn’t realize it was this bad. He’s scanning his eyes over JJ’s limp body. Blood and bruises littering the skin. He wishes he could make it all go away. He hates seeing one of his best friends in this condition.
“Should we invite Sarah and Kie over? They’re already together. JJ would want us to pretend like it was any other day.” John B suggests. Pope nods, not fully pulled out from his thought. “Okay, cool, I’ll call Sarah.” John B says, pushing himself off the cushion.
JJ feels himself waking up but doesn’t open his eyes. He’s shocked he was even able to sleep. He hasn’t been able to stay in bed for at most two hours.
He can hear John B’s voice slowly becoming more audible. “— come over and bring Kie with you. He’s sleeping right now.” he paused, waiting for Sarah’s response. “Sarah, he’s a mess. He needs you two. We just act like it’s any normal day. A pogue day.” John B concludes, hanging up the phone. JJ knows JB doesn’t mean any harm in his words, but hearing his best friend, his brother, say that he was a mess hurt. But he knew it was true. He was a mess. Hell, even his house was dirty.
They must have been in the area because not even 5 minutes later, Kiara and Sarah were sitting in the kitchen laughing with Pope. JJ sits up, only flinching slightly at the pain.
Whatever John B had given him had worked.
“Hey, everyone’s here!” He smiles, announcing that he had finally woken up. Kie smiles at him endearingly. “How are you feeling?” she asks. JJ looks to her and throws his hands in the air. His face faltering at the unforgotten pain in his shoulder. “Never better!” He announced anyway. Kiara shakes her head and looks away. She knows he’s lying, but she leaves it alone.
You would’ve thought this had just been a casual day for all of the pogues. They shared the stale beers that John B kept in the fridge. JJ flirted with Kiara. Sarah and John B were practically intertwined with each other. Nothing out of the ordinary.
——————
Sarah sat straight up in the bed. Just a nightmare, she assures herself. Reaching her fingers to caress her neck, to confirm that Ward’s hands were nowhere near. John B stirs in the bed but ultimately just flips to his other side and continues sleeping peacefully. She looks at the digital alarm clock to her left. 3:57 AM.
She needs fresh air. Thinking carefully about how to get out of the bed without waking the boy next to her, she slowly wiggles out from under the covers.
While getting herself a glass of water, she notices the front door is cracked. Odd. She remembers closing it last night. She inches her way towards the door, she can hear the slight crackling of a fire. The smell burns in her nose. Someone was outside.
JJ looks up from the flames as he hears the door squeak open. He told John B to fix that. Surprise fills his body when he sees Sarah Cameron walk through the frame. Seeing as she’s not a threat, he turns his focus back to the fire.
“What are you doing up?” Sarah whispers to him, sitting in the lawn chair next to the one he is currently occupying. “Just thinking.” he shrugs. “What about you?” Sarah sighs. “Nightmare.” she states. JJ nods understandably.
“Wanna talk about it?” he offers. Sarah is taken aback by JJ’s willingness to acknowledge her struggles. Usually, JJ hates talking about emotional stuff. She takes a second to think. “Uh, I’ve been having these nightmares pretty frequently ever since I found out my dad is a murderer and my brother is a psychopath, mainly about when Rafe tried to drown me and my dad strangling me on the boat. Occasionally, I’ll get one where Wheezie was on the boat with my dad when it blew up. A little random, but still shakes me up.” Sarah says, trying to blink back the tears threatening to fall.
JJ doesn’t say anything, still facing the fire, but she can tell he’s listening to her.
“And I miss Wheezie. Rose won’t let me see or talk to her. I’ve already lost enough of my family. I just wish I had my little sister.” She cries, finally loosening the grasp she held on the tears.
JJ’s looking at her now. Sarah can’t quite read his face. “What always helped me with night—“ JJ stopped. “Helps. Me with nightmares is, um, yoga. I know it’s silly, but it really does help. Sometimes, I make John B do it too. He pretends not to like it, but I see him get excited when I ask him to do it with me.” JJ finishes.
Sarah smiles, trying to imagine her uncoordinated boyfriend stretching into various yoga positions.
“Maybe I’ll take you up on that one. I’d love to see John B do the tree.” Sarah giggles, the tears in her eyes slowly disappearing.
Silence fills the air. It’s deafening but comfortable, and the ambiance of the fire fulfills the needs of the teenagers’ ears.
Sarah feels better. She’s not shaking anymore; it was like she had never had the nightmare that so rudely woke her in the first place. She’s observing JJ, his head slightly slumped over. The bruises all over his face have to be bothering him. His leg is bouncing restlessly. She tries to find the words to say, to break the silence.
“You look exhausted.” Sarah settles on.
“Yeah, I guess I haven’t really been sleeping.” JJ chuckles dryly. Sarah doesn’t miss the pained expression he makes when he turns his head away.
“JJ, please tell me what’s going on.” Sarah hopes he opens up to her because she knows he won’t tell anyone else—maybe not even John B.
She knew that Luke was a shitty father, anyone could figure that out, but she didn’t think he could do this to his own son. She wasn’t even sure it was Luke—just a speculation made with the previous information she had picked up on.
“Is it your dad?” She asks, praying it didn’t come across as too blunt.
“I guess you could say that.” He brushed it off. “You’re not supposed to dread walking past your home. You’re not supposed to leave your bedroom window cracked in case it’s needed for a quick escape. You’re not supposed to be beaten shitless by your own father. Your blood.” He continued.
Sarah wanted to rush over and hug him, but she didn’t. She wasn’t sure if he was crying, but he was trembling like crazy, and she didn’t want to startle him.
JJ sat there contemplating if he should really open up to Sarah. There were things he had never told anyone that he was itching to release from his chest. He knew he could trust her, and she would understand best out of all the pogues.
“Every time, I would lie there just waiting for him to kill me.” JJ hesitated before finishing his thought.
“Hoping he would kill me.”
Sarah readjusts in her chair. She’s aware of how drastically the gravity of the situation just changed.
“JJ.” She whispers. If he hadn’t been crying before, he was definitely crying now.
“Sarah, wait.” He hesitates. “I haven’t told anyone this. Like not even John B. Promise you won’t tell anyone.” JJ’s looking at her now. His eyes pleading. “I would never break your trust like that, J. Never.” She reassures him.
JJ swallows hard. “Two years ago, my dad got me pretty good. I could barely move, but I had had enough. I crawled down the hallway to my dad’s room. Using all my strength to open the bedside drawer, I pulled out his gun. I knew he kept it in there. I had decided that I couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t bear to live another day. So I took the gun and pressed it to my temple. I knew John B would be sad. Kie and Pope, too. But I didn’t care. They didn’t know what it was like. Having to come home to your deadbeat father only to have him wail on you any chance he got. I pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. The damn thing was jammed.” He choked.
Sarah didn’t know what to say.
“I just withered my way back to my room and fell asleep. Next day, I acted like everything was normal. Didn’t even tell John B.” JJ’s face was soaked. Droplets still pouring down his face.
She had never seen him cry before. It wasn’t a sight she wanted to get used to.
“I’m so sorry, J. I hope you know that I love you. We all do. And we want you here, even though we don’t know what it’s like.” Sarah says, gently placing her hand on his knee, which seemed to have tripled in speed since she had last checked.
“Thanks, Sar. I don’t think about doing it that often anymore.” He smiled. That sentence didn’t make her feel any better, though. He had implied that he still had these degrading and horrible thoughts.
“God, I hate crying. It makes me feel so fucking weak.” He admitted.
“I think it makes you stronger.” Sarah raised her eyebrows to him. “Crying shows you aren’t afraid to deal with the tough feelings. It proves that you know when something is wrong, and you’re willing to let your emotions shine through. I mean, why do you think I cry so much.” Sarah attempts a joke. JJ catches on and lets a laugh escape his lips.
Just then, Sarah took note of the sun rising above the horizon. She hadn’t realized they had been out there for so long. It had to have been at least 6 AM by now.
“I hope you guys see me at 30.” JJ leaned back into the chair. His eyes grew dreary. “I hope so, too.” Sarah pushed the hair back to show his tear-stained face. “Good night, J.” She whispered. He had already fallen asleep.