Chapter Text
Minho's life is moving faster than he can catch it.
One moment, he's home again. His bag is filled with pieces of Japan, his mother's arms don't fit around him the way they used to, and the cats are curling around his legs, scolding him for ever leaving in the first place.
The next moment, he's saying goodbye once more and home isn't quite how it used to look. Minho is still getting familiar with the new faces he calls his teammates, but with every piece of new information he learns, he still feels like he's getting left behind.
He likes them all. A lot.
But they aren't quite family yet.
At least, Minho isn't part of theirs.
He is more than happy to call them all his brothers, but he hasn't figured out where he belongs, if he even belongs at all.
"What are you talking about? Of course, you belong here," Seungmin says to him when it's just the two of them, sitting in the dormitory living room sharing a coffee table of late night snacks.
Minho doesn't believe him. He mumbles, "I might be good for the team because the higher ups think I can help out with the dancing—"
Seungmin scoffs. In the darkness, Minho laughs out of embarrassment. He looks away at the television and hopes that the show they aren't really watching doesn't give away too much of the emotions on his face. Seungmin has been there for him the moment he stepped inside the company building, but he doesn't want to put down all his guards just yet.
"But I don't belong here."
There's a lull in the conversation.
Seungmin also looks away, and he doesn't say anything.
"I don't belong in the dormitory," Minho continues slowly, suddenly feeling self conscious about it. "I mean, I'm the new guy, aren't I? Compared to you all, who have been at this for years, I don't know a thing. Not about singing or being an idol, and not about—" Minho sighs, the corner of his lip breaking into a sad smile. "—The Hotdog Incident, or Jeongin's little crush, and the fight Hyunjin and Jisung had—! I don't know any of this stuff. I don't... Share what you guys have."
Minho has only been at the company for a couple of months now, and he's been a part of this new team for even less. They've sat together at the cafeteria, and gathered around in the living room like they did tonight, but Minho would be lying if he said he really felt like a part of them. As they tell their stories and share inside jokes Minho isn't clued in on yet, he feels very lonely amongst them.
Seungmin's eyes are on him again. Minho can feel them on the side of his face. He blushes up to his ears, his eyes darting as he fidgets with the snacks.
"That is ridiculous," Seungmin finally says.
Minho laughs, mostly at himself. "What's ridiculous?"
"That! Everything you just said!" Seungmin huffs, shoving Minho with his shoulder.
"What's ridiculous about it?"
Minho smiles. He's happy that Seungmin is treating him harsher than he expected. He wouldn't be able to bear it if the boy younger than him had started coddling his feelings, and Seungmin is intelligent enough to know that apparently. He likes that about him. There isn't much one has to say or do for Seungmin to understand. He just gets it.
"First of all, you're not just here for your dancing. You're handsome too."
Seungmin laughs when Minho shoves him back for the dumb joke.
"I like your singing voice, hyung."
"Even though it's not as strong as yours?"
"Do you like the way I dance?"
"No, not really."
Seungmin scoffs. "You aren't a very good teacher then."
Minho grins.
"Point is, you wouldn't expect me to dance perfectly, would you? Your voice isn't as strong as mine because you're not a singer. Not yet. And I can't dance as good as you do because I'm not a dancer either."
Seungmin's shoulder brushes his, but this time, he's reassuring him, cementing the words inside of him so that Minho may never doubt himself again.
"I mean, it's the same for all of us, don't you think? Me and Jeongin help you sing and you help us dance. I still can't understand Yongbok's Korean sometimes, and I can understand Hyunjin's rapping even less." Seungmin shrugs and they're finally looking at each other again. "We're all still learning and we're doing it together. You're not getting left behind, and you're helping us keep up with you too."
Minho feels himself getting shy. It's in the heat of his ears.
Seungmin grins. "I like when you look like that."
"Weirdo," Minho retorts. He wants to look away but he doesn't want to expose himself.
"Your pupils shake when you get shy," Seungmin teases. Good. The television isn't bright enough to catch his ears.
"Shut up, I'm your hyung."
"Your pupils shake when you get shy, Minho hyung."
Minho throws some chips at him. Seungmin dodges and laughs.
When they settle back into their spaces, their backs against the front of the sofa, Minho says thoughtfully, "Not all of us are learning. Chan hyung, Changbin, and Jisung. They're good at everything already."
Seungmin agrees, envious.
"People who are good at everything are annoying," grumbles Minho.
"Yeah. But I wouldn't compare yourselves to those guys. Especially not Chan hyung."
Minho tilts his head.
"Chan hyung's been here the longest. He's been training since he was thirteen, so it's not really a fair comparison."
He blinks, his lips parted in his surprise. "Thirteen?"
"Right?"
Minho turns, frowning. "I didn't know that. In fact, Chan hyung... He's the person I feel the furthest away from. Not only in skill, but as teammates too. Like, I don't think we'd even call each other friends as easily as you and I could."
Seungmin smiles, tipping his chin up. "I'm your best friend, right?"
Minho looks at him horrified. "What could I have possibly done for you to think that awful thing?"
"Well, you're here having this conversation with me, aren't you?"
"Yeah, but that's a matter of convenience," Minho shrugs, leaning over the table to grab his drink and take a sip. "Jisung wanted to go to bed."
"I take back every nice thing I said."
Minho giggles as Seungmin sulks.
"Yeah. I guess I could call you my best friend."
Seungmin looks back at him. "Oh. Well, that's good. My best friend is Jeongin though."
"You're such a dick!"
"Don't swear at me, I'm younger than you!"
They're laughing again. Minho feels his happiness in his chest, in the ache of his heart. Hours ago, with the rest of them there, he felt like a shadow. Now, with Seungmin beside him, he feels seen, like he's actually a part of something.
They return to the conversation comfortably.
Seungmin asks, surprised, "You feel further from Chan hyung than Changbin hyung?"
Minho puts his drink down and hugs his knees to his chest.
"I know. It's weird. But I don't know. It feels different because Changbin is younger than me," he says. "I don't know if Changbin feels it with me, but I don't feel this... Tension with him. We're not the closest right now, but it feels like we could be. Eventually. It's just awkward, but once all that awkwardness wears off, we'll be okay."
Seungmin hums, shows he's listening. Minho appreciates it. Although he doesn't like bleeding with his feelings, it feels good to get some things out.
"And Chan hyung?"
"With Chan hyung..." Minho grimaces. He feels nervous just thinking about him. "It's just—! Weird! I don't know. I can't explain it. I mean, we're sharing a room together, you'd think we would have started getting closer by now. But... He's barely there. I was starting to think..." He turns to Seungmin as he asks him personally, "Do you think it's because he doesn't like me? You think he wanted to share with someone else, and then he got me, and now he just doesn't even want to be in our room together?"
Seungmin frowns. "That's why you stayed back here when everyone else went to bed."
Minho blushes, fiddling with his fingers. "Yeah. He usually gets back when I'm already asleep. I didn't know what to do."
Seungmin shoves him.
Minho lets himself get shoved.
"Am I being stupid?"
"Unbelievably so."
Minho takes a deep breath
"Sometimes, I think that maybe he doesn't want me in the team at all."
Seungmin shoves him so hard he falls over.
He laughs quietly, laying down on his side and stretching his legs so that he can tuck his toes underneath Seungmin's thighs. Seungmin swats his feet, glaring at him.
Minho picks himself up. He crosses his legs this time and faces Seungmin completely. He asks, "Is that so ridiculous? I mean, you saw the way he acted when they first introduced me."
Seungmin shook his head. "No way."
"You don't know that."
"Neither do you! Did Chan hyung say any of that to you personally, or are these just things you came up with yourself?"
Minho narrows his eyes. He knows it's the latter – self depreciating thoughts his insecure brain supplies him with on nights he can't sleep because the absence on the bunk below him is taking up the space in his heart.
"Look, hyung, I can't tell you exactly how he feels about you. But from my perspective, Chan hyung was just scared. The company didn't tell him anything about us getting a new member. Until that point, we all thought this was it, this was our team. And Chan hyung liked that because he had picked us all personally. He told them that he wanted each and every one of us, and eventually, they came around and accepted it. And then—"
"And then I came along," Minho mutters. "I told you I don't belong here."
Seungmin rolls his eyes. "That isn't what I'm saying. Let me finish, hyung."
He takes a deep breath.
"There's nobody in this team, maybe even the company, that wants this more than Chan hyung," Seungmin says, and beyond consoling Minho, there is admiration shining for their leader. "Thirteen, remember? That means he's been fighting for a long, long time. This team that he pulled together by himself— It's everything to him. So when they threw you in, those people that have been denying Chan hyung his dream for years and years, he felt angry. And he took it out on you, I suppose."
Minho is quiet, looking into his lap.
Seungmin stares at him but he doesn't want to look up.
"But that was months ago," he says. "You don't think it's the same, do you?"
Minho retorts bitterly, "Chan hyung can't keep frowning at me if he just avoids me."
"He's not avoiding you," Seungmin sighs. "At least not on purpose. He's just obsessive. He wants to make good music and he never thinks it's good enough. That's why he's holed up in the studio at night – I promise, hyung, it has nothing to do with you."
Minho nods. He's not quite convinced but he acknowledges the idea.
"He thinks you're a great dancer," says Seungmin.
Minho scoffs. He doesn't need Seungmin to throw him a bone. "Did he tell you that?"
Seungmin glares. "No, but you obviously are, and when you take over during practice, he lets you. That means he respects you."
Minho crosses his arms. "I'd like to hear him say it."
Seungmin argues back, "Go ask him then!"
Minho remembers his first day. He remembers getting the letter from the company, a year after his audition, and being surprised that they wanted him back. It was after his tour across Japan. He had finally settled back home and was getting ready to enroll in dance academy, but then came the letter, and all of a sudden, Minho was packing his bags to get closer to the city.
He remembers meeting Seungmin. Minho was lost and Seungmin helped him find his way, not knowing they would meet again in the practice room, not as strangers but as teammates. He remembers Jisung, clicking with him instantly, and Jeongin's shyness when they were next to each other. More than anything, he remembers Chan's face when they first introduced him. Minho had never felt so unwanted before.
"You belong here, hyung." Seungmin's voice pulls him out of his thoughts. "You might not share what we had before, but matters is that you're here with us now. There are so many more memories we need to make together. I want you to be apart of them, hyung."
Minho is sure his eyes will shake so he doesn't look at Seungmin when he smiles. He mumbles, "I hope the others think so."
"They do! Jeongin says you're his favourite hyung right now," Seungmin drawls. "I can't imagine why."
Minho grins. "Right now?"
"Yeah. He'd always switch. But it's been you since you came."
Minho laughs.
"And, you know, I'm pretty sure we were all a bit intimidated by Chan hyung when we were new. I know I was."
Minho nods. "He is a bit scary."
Seungmin bumps shoulders. "But he's a good guy. I know you don't feel it now, but he'll come around. If not because of your sparkling personality," he says sarcastically. "Then because of the good of the team. He wouldn't do anything to jeopardise his dream, or anybody else's."
"Great. That's real nice of you to say, Kim Seungmin." Minho bumps back.
"Yongbok likes you a lot too. I think you're his favourite, behind Chan hyung and Changbin hyung, of course."
"And who's your favourite?"
"Don't have one."
"Come on. If everyone else has a favourite, then you've got to too."
"Fine. Then it's Changbin hyung."
"That's only because you like to mess with him!"
"Yeah, messing with him is fun! You should try it. It'll wear off the awkwardness quicker." Seungmin looks over, teasing, and says, "Chan hyung is your only hyung, so he has to be your favourite."
Minho sighs. "Well, I'm definitely not his favourite dongsaeng."
"That's Yongbok," Seungmin says unhelpfully.
"All right," Minho sighs, beginning to gather up their rubbish as he rolls his eyes. "I think we've talked enough."
"You think?"
"You got anything you want to air out to your hyung? Where am I in the running for favourite?"
Seungmin snorts as he joins him in tidying up, the two of them finally getting up from the floor and picking up stray chips underneath the table.
"Not even close, hyung. And no. I've got nothing to say, mostly because, unlike you, I'm pretty secure in my place here!"
"Yeah," Minho deadpans as he turns away for his room. "We're definitely done here. This was a great talk, Kim Seungmin, I just can't wait for our next!"
Seungmin laughs behind him. He's happy.
Minho smiles. He's happy too. In the end, he had a good time.
Chan is naked when Minho walks into their room. Well, not naked, but there's a barely fastened towel around his waist and water is dripping obscenely down his back, and really, Minho just wants to get the hell out of there.
"Sorry, I didn't know you were—! I thought'd you'd be—!"
Chan turns around, rubbing another towel in his wet hair. He doesn't look the slightest bit bothered that Minho walked in on him, nor does he care that he's practically naked in the middle of their bedroom.
"Oh, hey," he says.
"Hi, uh, I can leave if you—"
"Leave? What, no. Come in, shut the door."
Minho swallows, shutting the door with his back. He doesn't know where to look and he doesn't know what to do. He knows what he wants to do, which is, ideally, to turn around, walk right back out, and wait for Chan to be asleep already, but he can't, because he's already made this awkward enough as it is. Chan must notice the dilemma he's having because he looks back at him again and raises an eyebrow.
"Have you never been in a locker room before, Minho? Come on, we're both guys, it's fine."
Minho feels embarrassed now. Of course, he's been in locker rooms before, and it isn't like this is his first time seeing Chan's body. Apparently, Chan prefers to walk around the dormitory with his clothes off rather than on. He might not feel too familiar with everyone just yet, but he knows that much. This time, though, is different. Minho wakes up earlier than Chan, so he's never seen him like this, with only a towel covering him and water trickling down the dips and curves of his body and—
Minho blushes even deeper when he realises he's staring.
"Minho. Are you—?"
"I'm fine!" he squeaks out.
"That wasn't what I was going to ask, but—"
"I'm going to sleep, hyung!"
Minho swears he can see something, some sort of emotion, on Chan's face, but he can't place what it is. He doesn't dwell on it longer than he needs to in favour of getting up to his bunk bed and burying himself in his covers, back turned around from the towelled Chan below him.
"You must be tired," Chan says, his voice muffled.
Minho wishes he wouldn't talk to him, not right now.
"You and Seungmin were talking for a long time."
Minho's eyes snap open. He must have stalked around the living room getting back and forth from the shower to their bedroom. He almost turns over again when he remembers Chan still isn't dressed.
"You didn't—?" He clears his throat. "You didn't hear anything, did you?"
"You're good at being casual, Minho."
Minho frowns. "Are you teasing me?"
Chan doesn't respond right away. Minho figures he understands how new this is too.
"I guess I am," Chan laughs.
Minho pulls the covers tighter around his blushing face. He's heard Chan's laugh before, but not because of him; not because of something he's said. He didn't even mean to make Chan laugh and he's never attempted to. It's never just the two of them, and whenever it is, like now, Chan has his walls up, so Minho does too, except this time Chan feels lighter and... Easy-going.
This time is different.
Minho doesn't know why.
"You're in a good mood," he mumbles.
He doesn't think Chan hears him until he replies, "Sitting down with everyone was nice."
Minho hums.
Chan moves around the bedroom.
Is it awkward? Minho can't tell. He doesn't want it to be. He wants Chan to be comfortable with him. He wants to be Chan's friend. Believing that Chan doesn't like him or that Chan doesn't want him in the group, his group, is exhausting.
"Are you dressed yet?"
"No."
"Are you going to?"
"What?"
"Get dressed."
"No? I sleep naked."
Minho knows that already. He doesn't know why it bothers him all of a sudden.
"So did you hear us, then?"
He can practically hear Chan's smile when he speaks.
"No, Minho."
Why does he say his name like that? It's weird.
"I had my earplugs in when I left and came out. I just saw you two, that's all."
Minho loosens the covers.
"Don't worry. Your secret is safe with Seungmin."
He closes his eyes. He doesn't want to talk anymore.
"Goodnight, hyung," he says.
Chan is smiling as he replies, "Goodnight, Minho."