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The ticking of the clock was taunting her, a constant reminder that life was seemingly still going on even though she was certain that her heart had ceased to beat 60 minutes before. It wasn’t that Suki was prone to dramatics, but she could easily believe that the organ that sustained her life was no longer something she possessed, or perhaps simply that it was now too broken to function as it once had.
The ache in her limbs from standing in the same position was a small reminder of her still living body. She should move, but how could she? The smallest part of her told her that if she just waited that of course her love would return to her. But the louder taunting voice, his voice, told her that this was exactly what she deserved; that this was her punishment.
And perhaps it was true. The love that she had been lucky enough to know for these past months; who was she to deserve something so beautiful? She had done so many terrible things in her years on this earth, but then she’d had to do what was needed to survive in a world that seemed hell bent on destroying her. She’d thought, perhaps, that she had paid for her sins in a multitude of ways and yet she still added to their number even when she was given the most precious of gifts. Perhaps that was the universes way of showing her that she deserved only to experience good with the promise of it being ripped away.
But what of her soulmate; the woman who had shown her that love was not something to be feared but rather as something beautiful. She had felt the tiny bloom unfurling in the hollow void of her chest. It had been almost imperceptible at first, a feeling she had long since stopped believing existed outside the pages of a novel. But it had been real, and it had been hers – and now she was at risk of losing it all – had lost it all was the correction offered by his voice.
But what if it wasn’t too late. They had been here before. A seemingly permanent end, and yet they couldn’t seem to live their lives apart now that their souls had found their other half. Was it even possible for either of them to live a full life without the other in it? She is certain that she cannot, life showed her that as she’d tried to face the possibility of her beloved’s death.
She doesn’t even notice that she’s moved until the cold air hits her face. She shivers and draws her coat more tightly around herself in an attempted to keep out the worst of the chilled air. She had no idea she had even put the garment on but she is grateful that somehow her unconscious mind had sought to give her some protection against the world; although what does it really matter. If this is all for nothing, then the cold can cause her no real harm other than perhaps to give her a permanent release.
It can’t be too late. She repeats this too herself as she forces her legs to keep walking. Though it feels like she is making no progress at all. This could all be pointless; she could already have left. But at least they have grown to a point that she knows where she is going. How many times had her Eve disappeared into the night with the crushing silence that followed until her return? Is that a sign that all is not lost or that she wants her to follow behind? Or perhaps it is just one last kindness that she doesn’t truly deserve, to know that she is going to be ok in a place that she loves.
Each step she takes is leaden; a heaviness cloaking her and threatening to suffocate her. The secrets of the last 11 months have weighed heavily. But she had done it with a purpose; to protect them all. She had been the strong one; but at what cost? She has been strong for too many years, and all it has done is distort her sense of the world. But Eve had started to unravel all of those teachings, and its only now that she can truly appreciate how free she has become surrounded by the safety of Eve’s love.
It is that safety; that knowledge of someone loving her despite her flaws that had sustained her through the promise she had made. The fear that she felt at being exposed was blanketed by the understanding that there was somebody out there who saw beneath the mask and loved her in spite of that. The person who made her feel that she could breathe for the first time in her life.
And now it all comes down to this. A last chance perhaps as she faces the possibility of waking each day with her lungs stiffened once more; lungs that can barely draw in air and a heart that is shattered beyond anything that she had ever believed possible. But she has to try because she has done everything in her power to try and save them having wasted far too much time trying to deny the truth of her feelings.
Finally, after what feels like far too long the tube station comes in to view and she almost freezes at the sight of it. Her body threatening to paralyse itself at the memory of a year before and her failed attempt at escaping and the hell that followed for them all. How different could things have been if they’d made it that day; found a new life away from this place that seemed to throw obstacles in their way at every turn. But that was never to be and there were no benefits to dwelling on things that cannot be changed; just as she cannot change the events of Christmas day or the tangled web of lies that followed.
She has fought to control the narrative, but it was never hers to control just as nothing in this life has ever truly been her choice. Even now, she is at the mercy of others just as she always had been. She has thought herself the master manipulator; the one pulling the puppets strings but the reality is she has always been the one being played. But perhaps she can cut the strings; cut all of their strings and stop trying to control everything. Because if this is her last chance then she needs to take it.
She hears a mumbled curse as she steps inside. Her eyes are drawn instantly to the woman, who is stood glaring at the ticket machine that seems to be refusing to work for her. It is, perhaps, one brief stroke of luck.
“You’re still here,” The words come out and she wants to curse herself for saying something so stupid. There are so many things that she needs to say and yet this is what her brain comes up with.
The response is a bitter laugh, and the slow turning of Eve as she moves to face her. Her eyes are still puffy, and the tip of her nose is red but there is a cold, hardness to her features as she has clearly fought to regain control of her emotions. But it’s a fragile mask, and Suki can see at a glance that it would take little for it break. She imagines her own face is quite the state, and no doubt anyone who has seen her will be whispering behind her back – she supposes she should care but right now there isn’t enough in her to do so.
“Can we talk?” She probably sounds pathetic to anyone who might hear but what does it matter now? She can lay her heart bare or she lie down and just accept the way things are – and there is only one option that she can consider.
“The time to talk was last Christmas,” Eve’s voice is as cold as her expression, and she hefts her bag higher almost as though it is her armour against all of this. But she doesn’t make any attempt to leave the space, and that is enough to give Suki just the tiniest bead of hope, “How can I trust anything you say to me now?”
Swallowing hard, Suki considered the question, and she had to fight hard against the urge to either twist a strand of her own hair around her finger or to step forward and run her fingers through Eve’s. It was a practice that bought her so much comfort but right now she doesn’t feel that she deserves that, nor does she think she can face the reality that Eve would likely reject the gesture, “Can you just give me a moment … just a little bit of your time before you … before you leave?” she has to force out the words because the reality of her leaving is beyond painful.
“What’s the point?” As she speaks, Eve shakes her head glancing up towards the platform that could take her away from this place, “I don’t think there’s anything left for you to say,”
For a moment, Suki looked down to the ground as she considered all of the things that she has kept hidden before she raises her gaze up to meet Eve’s once more. There were so many things that she should have said over their time together; not just since Christmas but since the day they had first met. The thoughts and feelings that she kept locked away under the mistaken belief that she was protecting herself and those around her. “I know I haven’t been honest with you … But I haven’t been honest with myself either,”
“It’s too late for this,” the coldness in Eve’s tone was abating but it was replaced with a roughness that was almost harder for Suki to take. The threat of emotions surfacing and being confronted yet again with the affect that all of this was having on the woman that she loved.
“Please,” it’s the simplest of the things that she could say and the very tip of the iceberg of words that stick in her throat, waiting for release but still held back by everything she has trained herself to be. Even just letting her guard down enough to stand here is against everything that had come before Eve existed in her orbit, and yet it isn’t enough for the here and now. She still needs to be more than this and she wants to be; for them … for herself.
The rumble of a train above them breaks the silence and Eve sighs at both the interruption and the reality that her means of leaving has passed her by – at least for now. It leaves her facing the wait here, alone with her thoughts and the threat of a public breakdown – or the option of giving Suki just a little bit more of her time. She tries to tell herself that it won’t change anything because even looking at her right now is a painful reminder of the foundation of lies on which everything had rested.
“I’ve got half an hour,” The words slip out and she wishes almost instantly that she could recall them when she sees the brief spark of light flicker in Suki’s eyes. A hope shining through that she is certain isn’t warranted. But still she finds herself being pulled out of the station towards the fire damaged remains of KJP.
It wasn’t where Eve had expected to be taken, but then she supposed it did offer them a degree of privacy that very few other places would. There was perhaps something fitting about entering a building that was so damaged. But she didn’t allow herself to dwell on the thoughts too long, instead trying to empty her mind. If she kept things as blank as possible, then she could potentially survive this.
“I shouldn’t have lied to you,” For the first few moments inside, Suki found herself pacing until she forced herself to stop and face Eve once more. The words sounding too loud in the quiet space, “I almost told you so many times, but then … then I’d see how happy you were – how well we were doing and how could I risk that?”
“Do I look happy now?”
“But we were happy weren’t we?” Suki asked the question, her voice rising with a desperation that she hated to hear.
“It wasn’t real though, was it?” Eve counters her almost instantly; still battling to regain control of her emotions. She had hoped that keeping herself as still as possible would do it, to try not to think beyond this moment but everything keeps coming back to her. Memories now tainted by the reality she’d been unaware of.
“My love for you has always been real,” It was a declaration spoken quietly, and yet the words seemed to bounce around the room. A whispered scream that held everything that had kept Suki going, and yet Eve couldn’t lose herself in those words as she once would have done.
“And yet as soon as I was out of the picture you went back to him,” The words are spat out, and they leave a vile taste in Eve’s mouth as her mind fills in the image of the two of them receiving another marriage blessing. It is a montage that has plagued her for hours now, and each time she has to fight against the nausea it brings. She sees the way that Suki starts to protest, and she raises a hand to stop her, “I know you needed to protect your secret … that it wasn’t just you at risk but surely there were other ways,”
“And risk Stacey’s children losing their mum?” Suki met her gaze again as she said those words, “And what about Ollie and Annie or Albie – did they deserve to lose their mums too?” She could picture the children so clearly in her mind and yet the image often flickered and the faces were replaced with the younger version of her own children as she imagined how they would have coped with both parents gone from their lives.
“If I’d known, I could’ve helped you all,” Eve pulled at her lower lip, “It wouldn’t be the first time,”
“Kheerat has sacrificed his freedom for me … and Jagvir lost his life so because of me Tye will never know his father,” Suki swallowed hard at the mention of her son, saying his name never got any easier and yet she had to do this, “I couldn’t let you do the same … because I know you, Eve, with that beautiful heart of yours you would’ve sacrificed yourself for me, for Stacey and I couldn’t risk that,”
“But that should’ve been my choice to make,” Eve shook her head again, “I’m not just someone else you can control, we’re supposed to be equal partners Suki … but that was never going to happen was it?”
“I wanted that, but ….,” Suki frowned, turning away for a moment as she tried to pull her thoughts together, “Did Stacey tell you what happened on Halloween night before Nish was arrested?” Looking back up at Eve she sees the confusion on her face at the abrupt change in topic and the way she puzzles at the question before finally shaking her head.
“Just that he took the wrap for Keanu in exchange for you,” There is so much bitterness in the words.
“He … He tried to ….,” the words come haltingly as Suki tries to force them out but it has never been her way to speak about these things; the ways in which he had hurt her have left her with an impossible number of invisible scars but those scars have always been hers to bare alone, “If Stacey hadn’t pulled him off me ….,” Her stomach roils as the ghost of his hands, and body press against her. Her breath comes, short and sharp and she fights to regain control of herself, and then then is the comforting weight of a hand on her shoulder, and the gentle rub of a thumb against a hand that had come to grip at a charred desk.
“You don’t have to do this,” For as much as Eve wants the truth, she doesn’t want to hear this or at least she doesn’t want to see the affect that speaking these words has on the woman that she has cared so deeply for. She wants nothing more than to turn off those feelings, but in this moment all she wants is to provide her with the comfort she so desperately deserves.
“It wasn’t the first time he … but it was … it was my fault,” She shakes her head hard at the memory and the way that Eve starts to mutter assurances that it was never her fault, “I offered him one night … I know I said I didn’t but I thought it would be enough for him - I thought …”
“What?” And at that Eve steps back again, and the loss of her touch brings a physical pain to Suki.
“I should have known he’d want more,” She had been so stupid to expect any less of him, but she had been desperate in that moment. Convinced that she could do this one last time to save them all, even though it had killed a part of her to even let herself consider it as an option.
“One night in our bed?” Eve asks the question and almost instantly regrets it when she sees the way that Suki recoils at the words. It is answer enough and she has to turn away from her, leaning over slightly at the threat of nausea overwhelms her for a moment. She has to force her breathing to level out, to remove the sting of tears from her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” The words come out in a sob, but Eve cannot bring herself to look back at the other woman as she struggles to reconcile the image of the woman she’d thought she’d known with the one before her. How had it all come to this?
“We were supposed to get married Suki … and you were going to … after everything,”
“I didn’t have a choice,”
“You always have a choice Suki,” Eve stayed looking at the ground, twisting her toes against the flooring and watching as the dust rose. It was a mistake to come here, because this has made the pain so much worse, and yet she cannot bring herself to walk away either. Silently she curses herself for the pathetic way in which she stays rooted to the spot.
“Not when it comes to Nish,” Suki shifted slightly, “Before you came back last year …. When I thought you were gone forever … I …. I thought if I couldn’t have you in this life perhaps I could find you in the next,” The words are barely audible as she says them; the first time she has come close to saying aloud what she contemplated when faced with a future without Eve.
Eve tries not to react, but she feels the way her body stiffens. Her mind replaying the moment she had walked in to the Panesar kitchen, and like a sudden zoom cut added to the film she sees a pill bottle on the side and how Suki had slipped something out of her hand in a movement that had barely registered at the time so focused had see been on holding her again but which now feels so obvious. Had she been just minutes later could she had walked in to something completely different? The nausea rises again and she swallows hard.
“And then you can back,” there’s a childlike wonder to the way she speaks those words, as though even now she cannot quite believe that such a miracle occurred. It seemed almost unbelievable how much had happened in the days following, and how everything had spiralled from the point – how it had somehow led them to here.
“You never told me,” Eve keeps her voice quiet, trying not to show the torrent of emotions that are threatening her now. All she can think about is the way things could have been.
“With everything you’d been through, it didn’t seem important,” And that is so much the crux of things. In Suki’s mind, she can so easily diminish her own importance. What worth does she have after all when everything she has ever done seems to leave somebody she loves hurt?
“Not important … Suki you almost …”
“Almost took an overdose yes,” She frowns, “Because I couldn’t face the prospect of losing you, and all of the love that you bought in to my life,”
“Don’t put that on me please,” At that Eve turned back round to face her, suddenly all too aware of what her leaving could mean for Suki this time around and the weight of that pressed heavily on her chest as she regarded the broken woman before her, “I can’t … I can’t be responsible for that,”
“I know I …” Suki sighed, “I just I don’t want any more secrets between us,”
“I wish you’d been open with me,”
“I know,” Suki’s sad smile was almost the most heartbreaking thing that Eve had ever seen and she wanted nothing more than to look away again but she forced herself to continue looking, “and you always made me feel safe … but in the past … showing any weakness it meant …” she trailed off, not wanting to put in to words all of the ways in which her moments of vulnerability had been used against her. But feeling a sudden chill, she wrapped her arms around herself to try and offer her body some protection; only the cold was from the ice that seemed to have permeated every molecule of her being.
“Do you think you’d ever have got there?” It was the question on which so much hung and Eve watched the play of emotion on Suki’s face as she weighed it up. So many thoughts danced across her face; too quickly for Eve to read or perhaps she had deluded herself in to thinking she’d ever been able to read Suki at all.
“I don’t know,” the verbal answer that finally comes is unsatisfactory and an almost involuntary snort slips out of Eve’s mouth, “I hope I could’ve got there … last year it seemed impossible that I would ever be able to hold your hand in public, let alone propose in front of everyone,”
“I still can’t honestly believe you did that,” a small smile appeared on Eve’s lips before she pushed it away.
“Nor can I but I’m so glad that I did … that I got to call you my fiancé … that you were going to be my wife. It may not have been a rooftop but,” she bit her lip suddenly unsure of what to say.
“I didn’t need a rooftop, not really. I just wanted you to be comfortable with who you are so that we could be us,”
“And thanks to you I know who I am now – Sukhwinder Kaur … lesbian,”
“You are so much more,” Eve swallowed and glanced down at her watch, “times almost up,”
“This wasn’t enough was it?” Suki’s voice was small; filled with sadness and Eve had to steel herself before she found the courage to respond.
“I’m sorry Suki,” she shook her head, “I love you and I’ll always love you but right now I can’t do this,”
“I know,”
“Maybe this won’t be forever - but I need time to think about this … all of this because I’m not just losing you; it’s our entire future and all of those dreams we had … but right now I can’t look at you and see the woman that I love and I don’t know if that will change,” Eve swallowed hard again as she took in Suki, she reached out and touched her arm for a moment, “I need to go now,”
“I love you,” but by the time Suki had spoken the words Eve had slipped out of the door and she finds crumpling down to the ground as sobs overtake her. She doesn’t hear the quiet declaration of love from just outside the closed door, or see the tears that start to fall from Eve’s eyes as she walks back towards the tube station. Instead Suki reaches into her coat pocket, finding the ring that Eve had so proudly worn and she clutches it tightly until it feels like there will be a permanent indentation in her palm from the metal ring.
She stays there until she hears the train on the nearby tracks; the sound consuming the darkness, taking her along with it.