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Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.
One. Two. Three.
Mafuyu counted her heartbeats as they came in perfect rhythm. One and a half beats a second, as it always was.
She couldn't remember when this habit started. Only that it had been with her for a long time.
Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.
Four. Five. Six.
The habit brought comfort to her. When she felt the mountain of her mother's expectations, when her classmates relied on her, when everyone looked at her. She'd turn her eyes inward, feeling the rhythm of her life, unfettered by the outside world.
Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.
The habit also brought pain to her. Or moreso, displayed her pain to her. It was so rare for a moment to move her heart beyond that one and a half beats. No art did, no accolade did. Perhaps the smiles of others, but only for a moment. Her steady heart had the inertia of a mountain. She wondered if anything could move a mountain.
Seven. Eight. Nine.
But she remembered the first time she lost count of her heartbeat.
...
The three had found her in the Empty SEKAI. She disappeared for a week, then, the first time she'd done that with 25時. They were so worried, finding her in that white bleakness. They spoke to her---she only half listened.
Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.
Their mouths moved. *I think I understand you.* *What gives you the right?*
Annoyance welled in her. But not enough to move her.
A part of her, apathetic, continued counting.
Pulse. Pulse. Pulse. Nothing they said moved her resolution to disappear.
*Even if that's true, I still want to save you.*
Pulse. Pulse. Tch.
Such a desperate girl that stood before her.
Such a cursed girl that stood before her.
Such a burdened girl that stood before her.
Mafuyu wore a face of disgust.
Pulse. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.
*I can't take this anymore!*
Exhaustion precipitated in her veins, crystals that clawed at her from the inside.
Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen.
*I don't give a damn!* Words spewed from her throat, the madness born from looking into herself and finding nothing staring back escaping. What did they know? Was there even anything left in her to be saved?
Pulse. Her heart racked against her ribcage.
Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty.
*What am I even supposed to do?!*
Her mind was a mess of numbers and words. She looked into Kanade's eyes, chest heaving.
Kanade's eyes did not waver. *I'll keep composing.*
Twenty-four. Or was it twenty-three? Her voice was so resolute, unstoppable, Mafuyu thought.
*I'll keep composing, until you can find yourself.*
The fight inside her then died down with her count.
Mafuyu couldn't remember the last number she was on. Only the confusion, and later, surrender she gave Kanade and the others.
That was when Kanade bound herself to her. A memory that feels so long ago now.
...
Mafuyu dropped the pen she was holding, and gently placed a hand on her chest. Her heart was a little quick, now, the recollection of that memory stirring a small thing within her.
Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.
One. Two. Three.
Sitting in Kanade's room, she looked at the girl working intently at her desk. Her white hair flowed down the sides of her seat. She was arranging their new song while Mafuyu studied for an upcoming test. A small pile of her books sat beside boxes of instant noodles.
Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.
Four. Five. Six.
Kanade always worked with an eerie focus. When her vision was clear, there was nothing to stop her from bringing it into the world through chord and chorus. Mafuyu observed Kanade's fingers tapping at the keyboard.
As if Kanade knew Mafuyu was looking at her, Kanade vocalized her thoughts. *I think you'll like this new song.*
Kanade looked back to meet her gaze. *How's reviewing?*
Pulse. Pulse.
Brilliant blue gazed back at her. And Mafuyu lost track of her heartbeat again.