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- December 7th –
The first sign that the holiday season had arrived at Alicia’s apartment was the poinsettia wreath on the front door. Inside it was even more warm and welcoming than usual. The Christmas tree looked as if it had been professionally trimmed; white lights, ball and crystal ornaments, ribbon and tinsel all flawlessly placed. The rest of the living room had been transformed as well. Greenery and pine cones, holly berries and mistletoe accented every angle. Red and green pillows with gold and silver embroidery adorned the sofa and a center piece of cinnamon scented candles graced the coffee table, completing the atmosphere.
Alicia’s residence couldn’t have been more different from Kalinda’s. This was a home, a place where the people that belonged felt safe and accepted. Kalinda had never had that – not really. She never let her guard that far down. The few memories she could draw upon of feeling genuinely safe in any particular place had ended in such a way as to make her that much less likely to ever feel truly safe again.
After Thanksgiving, Kalinda had promised herself that she would try her best to get into the holiday spirit, to engage in the festivities – for Alicia. Because even though she laughed good naturedly at her predictable, annoyed dismissal of most customary practices; Kalinda knew Alicia made exceptions for her that she wouldn’t make for anyone else. Alicia was from that traditional world with its rigid set of standards and expectations. If she was willing to make the sacrifices necessary to be with her, the least Kalinda could do was a whole-hearted attempt at meeting her halfway.
During one of those late night chats they sometimes had, the ones that were never mentioned again after the next day’s dawn; Alicia had told her that it hurt to see her so consumed with the fear of loss that it prevented her from enjoying what she had. That certainly applied here and the last thing Kalinda wanted to do would be to hurt the kind, beautiful woman who simply wished to share the important things in her life. Of course, such wisdom was much easier acknowledged than surrendered to.
The more Alicia’s home seemed like what Kalinda imagined a home would be, the more she felt like a guest in it. She didn’t like to think about how the confrontation with all the things she’d never had made her ache inside. Before Alicia, she’d had herself convinced that it didn’t matter, that she didn’t see any value in family or tradition. And maybe she really hadn’t then, but allowing herself to truly believe that Alicia loved her, still very much a work in progress most days, had changed her perspective on many things. Her biggest obstacle now wasn’t as much fear as the constant fight against the voice inside her head telling her she didn’t deserve to be included, that her presence was nothing more than a burden, tolerated rather than desired.
Once, a long time ago, she’d been told she didn’t know how to allow herself to be happy. She didn’t want to believe that was true and if she was ever going to have the opportunity to prove it wrong; this was it.
Kalinda had never experienced Christmas like this. Something about the effortless but deliberate beauty of the decorations was very Alicia and the overly rational part of her mind was fascinated by the effect. She made her way slowly around the room, taking in as much as she could bear; hands clasped being her back, a subconscious effort to prevent herself from touching anything. She had almost completed her tour when she came to the fireplace. There were four stockings hanging from the mantle, one of which was unmistakably labeled ‘Kalinda.’
Her stocking wasn’t an anomaly. It matched the others, her name embroidered in a bold cursive font. Genuine thought had gone into including her; to giving the indication that she belonged in this place as much as anyone else. She felt the soft crushed velvet under her fingertips, traced the rougher lettering of her name. This she had to touch to know it was real.
“I hope you’re not upset,” Alicia said, a cautiousness in both her voice and expression as she entered the room. “It just wouldn’t have been complete without you.”
Kalinda lacked the ability to put what she was feeling into words, but on the scale of emotional reactions it was definitely on the opposite end from upset. This was far from the first time Alicia had done this – shown her an unexpected, genuine kindness – but she’d yet to master a proper response.
The instant Alicia’s words had broken through the racing thoughts in her head, Kalinda had wanted nothing more than to be in her arms and to hold her in return. She had always been more confident in her ability to express herself through touch than words, but she didn’t know if that was appropriate. She didn’t want to cheapen the moment by making it into something physical if that wasn’t what Alicia wanted. For a brief moment the fear of getting it wrong overwhelmed her until she took a deep breath and pushed it away.
“Thank you,” Kalinda said softly when she finally felt she could trust her voice. Alicia seemed visibly relieved as she crossed the room and took her hand into her own.
“You know,” Alicia said, pulling Kalinda close, tenderly touching her face, smoothing her hair, “we don’t have to go out to tonight.” Kalinda felt the remnants of her anxiety melt away as she looked into the eyes of the woman who understood her better than anyone ever had.
“But you’re finally dressed,” Kalinda said, biting her lip in a failed attempt to hide her mischievous smile.
“I’m pretty sure you know what to do about that.”
- December 12th –
She was so intent on her work that she didn’t look up until the columns and rows on the financial records began to bleed together, making it necessary to rest her eyes for a few seconds. It was only then that she noticed she was being watched from the doorway. He looked almost as self conscious as she suddenly felt. She had no idea how long he had been there.
“Your mom is in court,” Kalinda said, sitting back in her chair, a concentrated effort going into not crossing her arms defensively. “Is there something you need?”
“Yeah, I know,” Zach replied with an awkward smile. “I’m here to see you, if that’s alright. I just didn’t want to interrupt.”
Kalinda couldn’t imagine a single place this could go that wasn’t somehow horrifying, but she managed a small smile and indicated for the teenager to take a seat.
“What can I do for you?”
“Grace and I have been discussing what we want to get Mom for Christmas,” Zach began. “We thought it would be nice, as part of her gift, to have a new family portrait taken. It’s been a long time since we’ve done anything like that and since she’s kind of in denial about us growing up, we thought it would be an indulgence she would enjoy.”
Kalinda felt a genuine smile tugging on her lips. Alicia’s kids certainly knew her well – better than she thought they did. And even if she didn’t have any personal experience in the area to make a reference from, there wasn’t anything Kalinda could imagine her girlfriend desiring more from her children than such a sickeningly sweet gesture.
“What do you need me to do?”
“We were hoping you’d be in the picture, too.”
Kalinda’s breath caught in her throat. It was amazing how quickly such a thoughtful idea had turned into a nightmare.
“I don’t think that’s - ”
“Please,” Zach interrupted, holding up his hands. “Just hear me out.”
Kalinda nodded, doing her best to put a cap on her internal panic at least until the kid had said his piece and she could get him out of the room.
This was so out of line. Even if she’d wanted to think of herself as a real member of their family; that wasn’t something that could ever happen. Alicia could stretch the symbolism to make her feel better, but at the end of the day they all had their place. This was taking things too far.
“I think my mom sometimes feels like she has to choose between us and you. Grace and I don’t want that. I imagine you don’t, either. We thought this would be a good way to show her it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s alright if you don’t want to do it. I won’t mention it again; it’ll be like I was never here. We’d just like you to consider it, for mom. You care about her and want her to be happy, that makes you one of us.”
Alicia certainly couldn’t deny her son. He had her flair for diplomacy and negotiation. Kalinda had already heard practically every possible variation of ‘do it for Alicia,’ but this was the first time it hadn’t left her seething inside. The kid’s motivations seemed genuine enough even if he was using a classic manipulation. Still…
“The way I see it, you kind of owe me one…” Zach said with a tentative grin. Kalinda raised an eyebrow.
“Is that so?”
“This whole thing was mostly Grace’s idea. She asked me to bring her to talk to you but I told her I’d take care of it. I love my sister, but you’ve seen the way she drives a bargain.”
Kalinda chuckled and relaxed a little. She was grateful she’d been spared that encounter. And, even if what was being asked of her made her feel uncomfortable in so many ways she didn’t know which to focus on first; Kalinda knew it was true that a collaboration of any kind between herself and Alicia’s kids would mean the world to her. This particular idea might be pushing that to an excess, but undoubtedly, it would be the thought that mattered. Maybe she could convince herself to do it. Maybe. For Alicia. As long as she didn’t think about it too much. All she really had to agree to at this point was showing up. They could deal with the rest of the details later.
“When and where is this event taking place?” Zach smiled triumphantly, more like his mother than ever.
“We were hoping to set up an appointment with mom at the studio and have you meet us there to surprise her.”
Wonderful. Not only was it inappropriate, it was going to be an inappropriate surprise.
“Grace and I will take full responsibility for the idea,” Zach continued almost as if he had as much practice trying to read her as Alicia did. “My mom will be thrilled and you know you can trust me on that because if it didn’t go over well; I’d have to deal with the fallout just as much as you would.”
The kid had a point there somewhere, even if her concern in the matter was less about Alicia and more for herself. Before she had a chance to consider it further, Zach stood and swung his bag onto his shoulder.
“I’ll text you the details as soon as everything is set up. You still have the same number you had back when Grace changed all your ring tones?”
Kalinda sighed inwardly and nodded.
“Great. Thank you, Kalinda. I’ll be in touch.”
As she watched Alicia’s son leave the room and head down the hallway towards the elevators, Kalinda couldn’t help but reflect on what had happened to her over the past year. She had certainly never imagined anything of this nature. She had become much more entangled in every aspect of Alicia’s life than she’d ever thought possible. The most frightening part wasn’t that she didn’t know how to stop it, though. It was that she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to try.
- December 17th –
“What are you doing?” Kalinda asked, sheer intrigue preventing her from keeping quiet and continuing to observe. Alicia jumped, startled. She turned around; moving quickly to obscure what had been occupying her attention.
“Morning, sweetie,” Alicia said, smiling sheepishly.
“Huh-uh. No,” Kalinda said, struggling to bite back a chuckle as soon as she started speaking. “There will be none of that until you explain yourself.”
“Well…” Alicia began slowly. “It made me think of you. …and I know you kinda like me a little bit, so I figured you wouldn’t be mad even if you don’t want it.”
Kalinda frowned slightly as Alicia stepped aside to reveal a small Christmas tree. But it wasn’t a normal tree. It was…the tree from A Charlie Brown Christmas.
“It made you think about me because it goes with my minimalist decorating theme?” Kalinda asked, surprised by how delighted she was by the sad little tree and its one too heavy ornament. That rush of warmth brought on by knowing Alicia had been thinking about her even when she wasn’t around would never grow old.
“It made me think of you,” Alicia said, moving closer, “because of what they said about it. It’s not so bad; it just needs a little love.”
“That,” Kalinda said, laughing despite her best attempt not to, “is incredibly cheesy. But it’s also a perfect example of why I love you.”
- December 20th -
“Hmm?”
“There’s a tiny present under my Charlie Brown Christmas tree.”
Suddenly Alicia was putting way too much effort into appearing nonchalant. They had just gotten back from a VIP dinner at Sixteen. Kalinda might not have been the State’s Attorney but she knew a lot of people in important places. She didn’t have the opportunity to really pamper Alicia all that often, but when she did, she went all out. Since their return, Kalinda had left Alicia’s side only long enough to hang up her coat, but it had been enough time for her girlfriend to engage in shenanigans.
“Santa must have visited you early. Probably figured it was best to stop by while you were out,” Alicia said, slyly. “There would be a lot of very sad little ones on Christmas morning if you maimed Santa for breaking and entering.”
Kalinda picked up the small box and turned it over in her hands. The wrapping paper was green, embossed with golden angels. It was tied with a perfect gold bow. It looked like a miniature version of the empty boxes used to simulate presents in department store Christmas displays. There was a barely contained excitement in Alicia’s eyes that seemed to indicate not only that the box in Kalinda’s hands was not empty, but that if she didn’t open it soon, Alicia had every intention of tearing it open herself.
“Santa doesn’t want me to wait until Christmas?” Kalinda teased. If it wouldn’t have delayed the inevitable even longer; Kalinda knew she would have beeen in for a good natured berating. As it were, Alicia continued to play along.
“Santa knows you and wouldn’t have tempted you if you were expected to wait.”
Kalinda sat down and began to open the package slowly. As much as she usually enjoyed tormenting her lover to the point of exasperation, that wasn’t her agenda this time. Even though she had no idea what she was getting into; it was clear that this was a moment that needed to be savored. Kalinda carefully slid the ribbon off, preserving the bow. She unfolded the paper without tearing it and lifted the lid from the box. Inside, on a cushion of red tissue paper was a silver key.
“What’s this?” Kalinda asked, even as her heartbeat quickened and the sound of her own breathing became impossibly loud. “The key to your heart, Santa?”
“No need to give you something you already have,” Alicia smirked, moving closer on the couch. Their legs were touching now and both of Alicia’s hands found Kalinda’s arm. The way she touched her, the familiar, reassuring massage only served to make Kalinda more uneasy as her girlfriend’s face became serious.
“I’m not going to ask you to move in with me, Kalinda – not now, not ever. I know how important it is to you to have a place of your own and I would never try to take that away. If we ever do move in together it has to be your idea, when you’re ready. Until then, I need you to know that you’re always welcome in my home. As far as I’m concerned, it’s your home, too.”
The tears began suddenly and Kalinda had no control over them. They had been a long time coming – since ‘there’s no such thing as a special occasion without you’ at Thanksgiving, her own stocking on the mantle and the invitation to be in the family portrait. It had started building inside of her long before that – before the first ‘I love you,’ before ‘If you trust me I promise I’ll do everything I can to make sure you don’t regret it’ made them official on Valentine’s Day. From that first surprise kiss at midnight on New Years had allowed her to believe that Alicia didn’t hate her and maybe, one day, they could be friends again, because that’s all she’d permitted herself to hope for. Alicia had soothed her migraines and her nightmares and still managed to see more good in her than bad. Alicia knew her as well as a person could and still she loved her both in words and action, maybe even as much as she was loved in return. It was just too much to hold inside.
“It’s okay,” Alicia said softly, taking the box from Kalinda’s helpless hands as she struggled to choke back the sobs threatening to overwhelm her. There was a sympathetic, understanding expression on her face.
“Let yourself cry if you need to,” Alicia whispered, pulling Kalinda into her arms and rocking her slowly, wiping a tear from her cheek and kissing her forehead. “You’re safe here with me.”
Kalinda believed her.
- December 24th -
They had returned to Alicia’s apartment to exchange gifts as Alicia had insisted that Kalinda’s present couldn’t wait until the next day. Kalinda wasn’t entirely sure that it wasn’t a ploy to ensure their waking up together Christmas morning, but seeing as there was nowhere she’d rather be, she didn’t intend to make a fuss about it.
“Alright, close your eyes.” Kalinda leaned back into the couch cushions with an exaggerated sigh. “Close them!” Alicia insisted, the laugh she couldn’t prevent ruining any attempt at seriousness she could have hoped for. “I couldn’t wrap your present. You have to close your eyes.”
“It couldn’t wait until tomorrow and you couldn’t wrap it?” Kalinda asked, intrigued.
“That would be correct. Close you eyes.” Kalinda sighed again, but did as she was instructed.
She heard Alicia moving around the room. Very close at first, probably waving a hand in front of her face or something equally ridiculous to make sure her eyes really were closed, then further away until it was obvious that she had left the room. Kalinda wanted to peek, she really, really did, but she wouldn’t allow herself to ruin the surprise. There was something exhilarating about having a person in her life that she could bring herself to trust this much. Then Alicia was back. There was a rustling sound and she sat down beside her.
“Alright, you can open your eyes.”
There was a puppy in Alicia’s arms, a giant bow around its neck. One day soon it would be a German Shepherd, but at the moment it was a ball of fluff comprised of paws, ears and huge warm eyes. It nipped playfully at Alicia’s hands and struggled against her desire to hold it still.
A puppy for Christmas was the kind of thing Kalinda imagined she might have wanted as a child if she’d ever had the luxury of having such desires. Since entering adulthood she’d never felt secure enough to maintain the survival of anything other than herself. She didn’t even have plants. Of course it would be Alicia that would have the faith in her to trust her with an innocent life. In that moment, Kalinda was unsure which was more adorable, the squirming puppy or her girlfriend’s tentatively hopeful expression.
“I was imagining a shared custody type deal,” Alicia said, “You don’t have to worry about taking care of her all on your own. I want to help.”
“Does she have a name?” Kalinda asked, reaching out to take her rambunctious gift into her own arms.
“Will helped me find her,” Alicia admitted, passing the wriggling ball of fur. “She came from a breeder of police and service dogs. Her litter was named after Disney characters, but you can call her whatever you want.”
“Cinderella?” Kalinda asked, holding the puppy up to eye level.
“Mulan,” Alicia corrected.
“I like that,” Kalinda said and Alicia smiled.
“I thought you might.”
As if in confirmation, the puppy let out a high pitched yip. Kalinda winced and she and Alicia both dissolved into laughter.
“I really hope that deepens some or she’s not going to make a very good watch dog.”
The puppy, having had enough of being held for the moment, began brandishing its oversized paws as weapons. Alicia reached over and removed the bow from the puppy’s collar before tossing a reindeer toy into the middle of the room. The dog leapt from Kalinda’s arms and pounced on the unsuspecting plush, amusing herself by gnawing on one of the antlers.
“She’s a handful, but at least at the moment she’s easily entertained.”
“We have a puppy,” Kalinda said, smiling to herself as she wondered just how long it would be before Alicia’s living room was littered with the destroyed pieces of a reindeer toy. They had a puppy because Alicia believed in her ability to be patient, kind and caring even when she doubted it in herself. There wasn’t anything more she could have asked for.
“Do you like her?” Alicia asked, her uncertainty showing for the first time.
“Almost as much as I like you,” Kalinda replied, assuring her with a gentle kiss. “I do feel a little bad, though,” she said, handing Alicia her present. “Your gift isn’t nearly as much of a liability.” Alicia grinned and immediately began unwrapping the box.
“You went to Tiffany’s?” Alicia exclaimed, raising an eyebrow in surprise.
“I did,” Kalinda replied. “You know, you can order online, but I actually went to the store, which is something I would subject myself to this time of year only for you.”
Alicia carefully continued opening the small blue box, gasping in surprise when its contents were revealed.
“Kalinda, this – this is too much.”
“You don’t like it?” Kalinda asked, trying her best not to sound hurt. She wasn’t hurt as much as she was disappointed in herself. There was nothing she’d wanted more than to give Alicia something special. She simply didn’t have the emotional resources to give her girlfriend the kind of meaningful gifts she had been given. What she did have was a fair amount of money and years of awareness of its inability to buy the most important things in life; safety, belonging, happiness.
Alicia had seen the bracelet in a magazine after she and Kalinda had tracked a potential witness to an uptown ‘dental spa.’ Alicia Florrick didn’t look at a lot of things wistfully. She was an achiever, a go-getter, but even despite the top-notch business wardrobe she managed to pull together as her career demanded, gold and diamonds had never been an allowance she would make for herself, especially now. There was always something more important to invest in, something the kids needed, etc.
Kalinda had driven herself to distraction trying to come up with an appropriate gift idea, but nothing had seemed right, nothing was good enough. Nothing even came close to demonstrating how desperately she wanted Alicia to know that she appreciated everything she had done for her – even if she didn’t always react as expected. She loved Alicia in ways she’d never imagined she’d be able to connect to another person. She’d never in her life wanted to please someone more. She had felt so much better once she remembered the bracelet and the way Alicia had looked at it. Kalinda knew she could make that happen for her – easily. She’d actually been excited when she’d bought it, but now she was very quickly beginning to regret the whole thing.
“I love it, you know I do,” Alicia said seriously, “but it’s so expensive.”
“Because purebred police dog puppies are such a bargain,” Kalinda countered, reaching over to pull a discarded ribbon from Mulan’s mouth as the puppy trotted by.
“That’s not the point - ”
“Exactly.” Alicia sighed, defeated.
“You’re impossible and I love you.”
“You know,” Alicia continued. “I wanted to thank you, even before you spent half a year’s salary on my gift, for everything you’ve done for me lately. When you showed up for the family photo…nothing in the world could have made me happier. I know you struggle with things like that, but you do them anyway, for me. You will always be cynical and inappropriately hilarious. That’s the woman I fell in love with – the one I was lucky enough to get a second chance with and I don’t ever plan on letting go of her. She makes me happy, a better person; there’s not a single thing I want to change about her. …I just hope that someday you’ll be able to see yourself the way I see you.”
Kalinda did the only thing that would prevent her from crying – she kissed Alicia. Her lover deepened the kiss and it wasn’t long before she had completely surrendered herself to the natural call and refrain of love that said all of the things words never could. Alicia’s fingers were trailing up Kalinda’s thigh, seconds away from the hem of her skirt when, from somewhere across the room, Mulan, suddenly realizing she was no longer the center of attention, began barking again. Alicia pulled away, leaving Kalinda breathless.
“She starts obedience school in January.”
“January…” Kalinda repeated, trying her best not to sound too dismayed.
“She has a cage…” Alicia offered with a sly smile. “For her own safety, of course.”
“Merry Christmas to us,” Kalinda quipped and Alicia laughed heartily.
“Like I said before; you’re impossible…and I love you.”