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Quite dark and grey were the skies of one particular evening, blocked from sight from the dorm room by the large, closed curtains.
Kagiura sat at his desk, focusing as much as he could on the sheet of paper laid before him. Homework was always a great bore, but he knew he had to get it done – the sooner, the better. Head down, he quickly finished writing his answer to the final question, and then made to tidy up his work area, placing away his stationary and the textbooks scattered around.
He spun round in his chair to face the boy behind him, who sat at his own desk, silently and diligently studying by the light of his desk lamp.
“Hirano-san! I'm done!”
Upon hearing his name called, Hirano lifted his head and turned to face Kagiura with a small smile.
“Nice, well done. I suppose I'm done studying for the evening too…” He turned back briefly to his desk to also tidy away his things, then stood up and walked over to Kagiura.
Kagiura watched as Hirano reached out a hand to ruffle his hair.
“H-Hey, Hirano-san!” The dark-haired boy pouted. “You know, you've been doing that a lot recently.”
“Hm?” Hirano grinned, cocking his head slightly as he lowered his hand.
“You…” Kagiura stood from his seat. “You’ve been quite a bit more physical with me, I mean.”
Admittedly, Kagiura loved the gentle touch of Hirano’s hands, and the pleasant feeling of having Hirano close to him. It was only natural – he had always been longing to be physically affectionate with his roommate in a way that he hadn't been with anyone else before, because of his love for him.
Though, now he couldn't help a creeping sense of uncertainty, because, over the last few days, Hirano had been a lot more touchy and close with him.
Typically, their 10 second routine would just involve handholding; perhaps the occasional hair ruffling, or even that one day that Kagiura hugged him. Now, however, they'd transitioned into doing a little bit more. Hirano was allowing Kagiura to give him somewhat half-hugs, and to touch his hair and face more.
Not only that, but even outside of the 10 seconds, there was clearly some more intimacy with how Hirano kept walking ever so slightly closer to Kagiura, often throwing an arm over his shoulder and – like just now – playfully messing his hair up.
The worst part was, with all of this going on, Kagiura didn't know if it would be acceptable to do something more.
Amidst Kagiura's minor internal turmoil and uncertainty, Hirano took just a brief moment to respond.
“Ah, uh… that's not a bad thing is it?” Hirano himself began to look unsure.
“No! No, no, not at all. I like it.” Kagiura confessed.
Hirano looked to the side.
Beginning to describe his worries, Kagiura continued: “It's just.. Hirano-san, I really don't know how much you would let me do.”
Hirano only looked more puzzled.
“Like– with how much you've been touching me, and how much you've let me touch you, I can't tell if you'd let me go a bit further.”
“Oh. Mm, I suppose i just thought you'd like it more. That, and it may help me to understand more of your feelings, or something. Y'know, with my ten seconds.”
It took but a second for Kagiura to realise that Hirano had sneakily used his own ten seconds whilst touching his hair.
He let out a small huff, then moved closer to Hirano.
“In that case, I'll be using my ten seconds too.”
“Haha, go ahead.”
Without hesitation, Kagiura brought his hands up to wrap them around Hirano's shoulders, and pulled him in for a close hug.
He relaxed, feeling the warmth of his roommate's body against his chest, holding him with care.
A couple weeks before this, Hirano probably would have tried his best to avoid this. Now, however, it seemed that something had changed. Hirano gave himself over to Kagiura, standing firm in his embrace as Kagiura breathed him in, nuzzling into his neck.
Kagiura glanced down towards the floor, at the vague shadows of their figures.
“I can never really tell how much you'll allow from me.”
As soon as the 10 seconds ended, Kagiura drew away with reluctance. Being with Hirano kept on giving him the desire to have something more than their current relationship, in which Hirano seemed not to reciprocate the feelings Kagiura held so dearly for him.
“Well, I let you do a lot of stuff, right?” spoke Hirano.
“I'll let you do pretty much anything to me.”
Kagiura snapped his head up. Hirano seemed slightly taken aback with this sudden action, and even more so by the wide-eyed gaze on him.
“But do you really mean that?”
Kagiura leaned forward, his eyes narrowing slightly with his gaze still fixated on Hirano.
“Huh? Yeah, seriously, I–”
“No, you don't.”
Kagiura was now even closer to Hirano than before, leaving only a few inches of space between their bodies.
“You… You always say these things that get my hope up. But you don't seem to get any of this – if you did, you wouldn't mean that. At all.”
Kagiura put a hand onto the wall, practically trapping Hirano beneath him.
All the while, Hirano remained still and silent.
“You just don’t get what my feelings truly are. It's more than just wanting to be with you, its wanting to… to touch you, to do things with you and to you. I keep having thoughts about stuff that I shouldn't do, but you being so open with me is making it so hard to hold back.”
He lowered his eyes and clenched a fist at his chest.
“I know I should be grateful for it… that you're letting me be a bit more intimate with you. But then those sparks of hope I get instantly die down once I realise that you don't feel the same things that I do when we're close together. I can't force it – I know I can't, I won't and I shouldn't – and yet I'm just wishing for something to happen that might make you feel something for me.”
Despite towering over him, Kagiura appeared almost vulnerable to Hirano – like he could crumble at any second.
Hirano had stated before how he never wanted to see such a pain-filled expression on his kouhai's face; even worse, for him to be the cause of it.
Now, however, he was the cause.
He couldn't fulfill the one thing Kagiura wanted most.
…And that had hurt him.
Hirano had to say something. He couldn’t let himself stand there, stunned and unmoving, whilst Kagiura let his feelings spill.
He breathed in, and opened his mouth.
“...Kagi-kun, I–”
“Don’t.”
Hirano stopped instantaneously. Not just at Kagiura telling him to, but by his broken-sounding voice and the mixture of emotions welled up inside of his passionate eyes when he looked up again – the hurt, the desperation, the yearning, sorrow and guilt.
Kagiura sighed, bowed his head and continued in a whisper, “Hirano-san, you're always so kind and generous. You've shown nothing but care towards me. You always consider the things that make me happy, and do stuff that I want to do. But…”
There came a slight crack in his voice.
“...If it's not what you want, then…”
Hirano still couldn't find the words he wanted to say, as Kagiura pushed himself away and turned his head.
The remainder of the evening, an uncomfortable silence hung in the air that was felt even when Kagiura mumbled a barely audible, “Goodnight,” before hiding himself under his covers.
It left Hirano contemplating, lying awake in his own bed and staring into darkness, if all he had been doing really was unfair to Kagiura, and if it was his fault for not properly understanding his feelings.
But deep down, he knew it wasn't. He knew Kagiura knew it wasn't, too.
Still, he wished he did understand.