Chapter Text
We at the funeral… of among us guy 😞😞😞😞
Hi guys
Jesus and Obama enter the church… where the funeral is. Obama is crying really hard and hes all liek boo hooo… boo hoo hoo… “I can’t believe..” He sniffles, sitting at the pew next to Jesus, they’re both wearing one big suit like those get along shirts, “among us guy is dead!!!!! …..sighhh.”
Everyone is chatting. The two recognize some familiar faces; the other crewmates, Damivah, Charles Calvin and Philza Minecraft, whats this effec Louis XIV of France, Skibidi Toilet, Ashley Yipton, Banana idk, Gorgeous Jerma, Regular Jerma, Quagmire, and Cole Lastname. Jesus avoids the gaze of Cole, both of them having rough pasts with each other. Cole has several men surrounding her as if they were bodyguards (althought they’re actually just all of her husbands im like joseph smith (founder of mormon church) if he was a teenage girl whos not mormon.)
Cole walks up to the podium, looking like she’s aged 3 years after the last fanfic, shuffling the note cards in her hand as she begins her beautiful speech, the men around her stand around awkwardly. That one sad violin stock music starts playing. “We all gather here today,” She begins, “to honor the life of Among Us Guy. He was a son, a father, a friend, and a lover.” At that, Louis XIV of France whips a tear from his eye wahts this effect, “he and Among Us Guy were husbands ever since Charles had cheated on Among Us Guy with Philza Minecraft..” Philza and Charles look up to Cole with disgust, not expecting her to just drop all of their buisness like that to the whole funeral.
Cole continues: “He was a great, red man, blah blah blah, heaven will accept this beauitufl angel, blah blah blah, idk i dont go to funerals except for the one for my great uncle where i just watched him the whole time.” Obama and Jesus aren’t really paying attention to Cole, and are instead looking at each other. Guys i gotta pee keep this in .ok
“I’m so sorry for your loss..” Jesus whispers, putting his hand on Obama’s right shoulder.
Obama wipes his nose on his sleeve, “I can’t believe he’s gone just like that… he was my first friend… he was ther when i needed him.. he was gonna be at our wedding.. he…” Obama started crying again.
Jesus looked back at the funeral podium, slightly regretting any ill will he held toward the red crewmate.
“He’s in a better place now,” Jesus started, “he can watch us from Heaven…”
“Wait a minute,” Obama starts, “You’re Jesus! Can’t you just… bring him down from heaven?”
Jesus rubs the back of his neck like an anime character, “Well, I really can’t. My dad would kill me if i did. And I don’t think you need any more loss today…”
Just then, someone bursts through the church doors.Everyone snaps their heads back to them, just to see Among Us Guy’s Mother!!! she talks with a few of the people milling about to ask where her son is, and runs over to the coffin.
“Among us guys mom.. Youre making me really mad right now… ruining my funeral.. My WAKE!! “ coles eyes turn red, and a magical transformation occurs where cole turns into evil cole like goku going super saiyan.
among us guys mom looks up at Evil Cole with horrific fear, as everyone else starts running away like the scene in ratatouille when all the rats were discovered. Evil Cole shoots her with his Baby Laser, where she turns into one of his 1 million babies instantly. He then starts shooting everone with it and maniacally cackles. guys this is so scary idk what to do WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT OH MY GOD IM ON THE EDGE OF MY FUCK ING SEAT
As jesus and obama are running away, jesus skids to a halt
“WAIT!!!” He exclaims “I CAN STOP THIS!!”
Obama looks at his partner with fear. He grabs Jesus by the wrist.
“Stop! I can’t lose you too!” Obama’s eyes start watering.
Jesus looks back at the former US President and smiles softly. Bringing his pointer finger out and rubbing it against Obama’s cheek for some reason before turning to Evil Cole… who’s
standing there evilly.
He turns back to Obama, before bringing his hand up and bringing it down to slap Obama’s big humongous level 100 gyatt. It reverberates around the room like echolocation like circadian rhythm of all the bats gets fucked up from how beautiful the ripples of Obama’s big butt is.Louis XIV dies. Evil Cole gags and gets like smaller before shriveling up into normal cole and dying.
All of Cole’s boyfriends, most importantly Konrad, Caliborn, and Cal and Andre snap out of their hypnotism that Cole put them in and they look around, seeing the world with new eyes. they all then scamper off like squirrells.
“I.. I did it.” Jesus says, a few tears pricking at his eyes. He looks back at obama. “We did it.” They both look into each others eyes. They’are about to kiss, when a secret service agent comes over to obama and whispers something in his ear.
“Sir, a second quarter has hit the dollar.”
TO BE CONTINUED…