Work Text:
Cannot touch, Cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love, Cannot kiss
Cannot have each other
I first met you when I bumped into you at the office hallway, pouring coffee into your expensive suit accidentally. But instead of yelling at me because of my clumsiness, you just smiled at me, assuring that you’re okay before walking away. From then on, I get to see you everyday. I get the chance to have a glimpse of you every time I passed on your office, seeing you as you talk to your clients or having a conversation on the phone.
I also become aware of my erratic heartbeat since then. My heart thumps wildly inside my chest whenever you greet me when we pass each other at the hallway or just simply when I just see you. Everything feels right, until I learned that you were my bestfriend’s boyfriend. You were Kuroko’s boyfriend.
Must be strong, and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know
Kuroko and I were childhood bestfriends. For me, he was the brother I never had. A very precious person I hold dear in my heart. That's why I promise that I will not do anything that will hurt him. And that promise goes to the extent of giving up this feelings that blooms inside my heart. A special feeling that I only experienced since I met you.
How can I not love you, what do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
It made me feel sad, the fact that finally I fell in love but I can’t. And it hurts so much because I have to let it go because it will hurt the most precious person that I have if I didn’t. It left me no choice. And so here I am, heart being broken even if it hadn’t experienced the happiness being in a lovely relationship yet.
Cannot dream, cannot share
Sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel
Must pretend it’s over
Since then, I started to ignore you as well as the feelings I had for you. But it was so difficult for me, especially if you’re always making your presence known to me as if you intended it. You’re always at the place where I am, smiling at me. Making a way for us to talk. And even if it feels like heaven for me, I must end it. I must avoid it because the more I spend time with you, the more I fall deeply in love with you. And I can’t let that happen. I can’t hurt Kuroko.
Must be brave, and we must go on
Must not say, what we’ve known all along
All my efforts of avoiding you failed when you did cornered me one time, asking me what’s wrong. Your beautiful eyes staring directly into mine, making it harder for me. And when you didn’t get any answers from me, you suddenly enveloped me into a tight embrace and confess you love to me. I was having a mix of emotions at that moment, but it was pure joy that was above all of it. But that joy suddenly vanishes when Kuroko crosses my mind. And then realization hits me. To my heart’s distress, I pushed you away and rejected your love before running away. I didn't looked back even if you called out my name. That night, I cried my heart out. I cry over my love for you, and over the fact that you love me.
I tried acting normal on the following days, as if nothing happens. I try to ignore your presence especially when you’re with Kuroko. Disregarding your eyes looking straight into mine, those hetorochromic orbs that show pure longing and love. It pierces my heart, always makes me want to cry, stabbing my heart like a dagger over and over again. But despite that, I know I must not give into it.
Until that day happened, the day when your engagement to Kuroko was announced. My whole body felt numb for a moment after hearing it. I just stood where I was, blankly looking at you while all the people gather around and greet you and Kuroko. And when our eyes met, it made me feel so bad… for myself. Again, I immediately run away, for that was what all that I can do. I lock myself inside the cubicle where I ended up and cried.
How can I not love you, what do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does w\one walks away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
The place looks very lively here from where I stand. The crowd happily chatting with each other. Waiters and planners were busy with their respective work assignments. Musicians endlessly play their music instruments and create beautiful melodies that blend with the evening air.
I smiled bitterly as I look at you, smiling at two old people you were talking to as one of your hands held onto Kuroko's. Both of you were sitted in an elegant-looking gazebo. The pavilion structure is decorated with stylish laces with white roses and stargazers. I feel a tear fell down from my cheeks but I didn’t bother to wipe them.
Must be brave, and we must go on
Cannot say what we’ve known all along
I looked at you for one last time before I turned around and walk away towards my car. I silently started the engine. My car growled almost soundlessly, making no one notices me and began to drive out of the place. As the place goes smaller and smaller from my sight, I felt my heart ripped into pieces. Feeling my heart’s longing for something I know you feel the same, but we can no longer share now.
How can I not love you, what do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does w\one walks away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
I let my tears fell freely on my face, my tears blurring my sight as I drove my car. Silent cry turns into sobs as I step on the accelerator harshly. My car speeds up along the highway, not being bothered that I’ve missed the turning to my house. I continued to drive blankly, increasing the speed once more.
Feeling tired, I lean against the backseat. Still pressing my foot on the accelerator, I slowly take my hands off the wheel; dropping them from my side before slowly closing my eyes. The last thing I remember through my closed eyelids was the burning light, the loud tire screeching and blowing of horns.
How can I not love you when you are gone…