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The question Kazuki wanted to ask kept replaying over in his mind, but each time it didn’t exactly sound right. He was afraid that if the words finally escaped his mouth, things would change. That what was between him and Rei would shatter.
Over time, it had become a topic neither of them talked about. And Kazuki had gotten used to it, he supposed. One day they would, maybe, but it was a conversation that could happen far off in the future when he was ready to face it. Only an unexpected surprise had tanked that plan. That surprise had been Miri. A girl both he and Rei had found themselves adopting. After a visit with her mother, she’d told Kazuki that she didn’t want anything to do with her, anyway. And Miri’s father… well, thanks to him and Rei and their assassin work, he was certainly out of the picture.
A knot uncomfortably formed in Kazuki’s stomach at that thought. One day, when Miri asks, what could he tell her? No, what could they tell her?
They… us. They were really going to do this, weren’t they? Take care of Miri together…
Kazuki stared over at Rei from the kitchen table. His roommate was playing a game, and his gaze was fixed on the TV screen, although Kazuki knew that he could probably sense him looking his way. He was raised a hitman, after all. Perhaps he’d simply gotten used to the feeling or trusted him enough not to feel any alarm.
Swallowing, Kazuki noticed that his hands were slightly shaking. He clenched them, opened them, and clenched them again. He could do this. Anyway, they couldn’t just avoid the topic forever. What was the worst that could happen? Oh right, Rei might kick him out and call him something Kazuki probably really didn’t want to hear. No, he wouldn’t do that. Would he? The uncertainty was nauseating.
“What is it?” Rei suddenly mumbled, and Kazuki’s eyes snapped up. The game was paused. Rei's blue, melancholy gaze, questioning.
“Uh…” The lump in Kazuki’s throat got bigger, and his whole body tensed. “It’s nothing. Just thinking about what to make for Miri’s lunch tomorrow! Maybe she’s getting bored with the usual. Any ideas?”
The seconds passed slowly between them, and he thought Rei might tell him again what a bad liar he was.
“Did something happen?” Rei instead probed further.
“No—nothing.”
“Hm,” Rei unpaused the game, continued, then paused it again.
“It’s hard to focus when there’s something you’re holding back.”
The house was quiet. Miri was already asleep, but now wasn’t the time. It couldn’t be. Not yet.
“I… just need some fresh air.”
Kazuki pushed himself up from the table and went to the balcony. The Sumida River was gently lit up with reflections of lights from the nearby apartments, and he tried to focus on the movements of the water. Maybe it was better, after all, not to say anything. By the time Rei pushed the glass door open to join him, Kazuki had almost convinced himself of this.
The flick of Rei’s lighter sounded, and the familiar, comforting smell of his cigarette hung in the air. He’d started to smoke a lot less since Miri was there, so Kazuki raised a brow slightly at it.
“Chalk it up to stress,” Rei replied.
“Stress? From what?”
“Something that hasn’t happened yet.”
The cryptic answer was met with Kazuki’s sigh.
“You’ve never really told me much…”
“Well, you’re also not really telling me what’s bothering you, either.”
“That’s—”
The words disappeared on his tongue. That’s nothing? He knew that he couldn’t keep lying.
“You know,” Kazuki began, his voice unsteady. “Maybe there’s something… we should talk about.”
Oh, no. He couldn’t. He wasn’t ready for this. No, he needed more time to prepare. He was being cornered, wasn’t he? No, Rei was just standing there next to him, and yet it felt like there was suddenly an interrogative spotlight on him.
Am I panicking? He wondered. Stay calm. This is just a normal conversation. No, I’m totally going to mess this up. Kazuki, what are you thinking?
Rei leaned with his back against the rail of the balcony, shoulders propped on top of it.
He’s not even looking at me. Calm down. Then, what’s he looking at?
Turning his gaze up, Kazuki saw the stars in an unusually clear night’s sky.
“And what’s that?”
“Huh? I think that’s Orion’s Belt.”
“No. I mean, what is it that you think we should talk about?”
“Oh—! Um…”
Fear shot through him. Hot and cold. Maybe he could do this… if they weren’t looking at each other when he said it.
“If we’re taking care of Miri, that means we’re going to need to stick together for a long time. Almost like a married couple.”
The short laugh at the end wasn’t enough to sell his bad attempt at a joke. Unsurprisingly, Rei didn’t laugh either. But he wasn’t looking at the stars anymore. His eyes had shifted to Kazuki and widened.
“Do you think,” Kazuki continued weakly, “we should… you know, talk about that…”
“About what exactly?”
“We’re… we’re roommates. It’s not exactly usual, is it?”
“I suppose not.”
“And… maybe now, this is okay. But what about in the future? Are we always going to be roommates? No, that’s not what I mean entirely. I don’t know what you’ve thought about for the future. But it’s the three of us now, and we’re a family, yet I call you my roommate… I guess, I need… some clarification…”
“About what?”
“About—”
Kazuki clenched his fists again. He could do it. He could force the words out, like he needed to.
“Us, Rei. I need some clarification about us.”
There. He said it. And it had felt as terrifying as he had imagined. His heart hammered in his chest.
Ash fell from the forgotten cigarette in Rei’s hand. His lips had parted in surprise, and Kazuki realized that his tone had sounded too on edge. He’d imagined this moment over and over, but he hadn’t imagined it like this.
“Maybe one day you’ll meet a woman. And what then? But it will be me, you, and Miri. Will that really be okay for you? And then if it is, what are we? Should I continue calling you my roommate? My friend? Maybe we need some kind of agreement—you know, when you want to get married, you can take care of Miri together with your future wife, and I could see her sometimes, or have her on the weekends—or maybe—”
“I don’t think that’s something you need to worry about.”
“-Huh?”
“I guess it’s my fault because I also never really questioned it. Why you started living with me. It’s a delayed conversation, we’re having right now, isn’t it? This isn’t just about Miri.”
Kazuki nodded slowly.
“Yeah…”
“I’ve never had a relationship before. A friendship, either.” Rei finally flicked his cigarette and inhaled. “I don’t even really know what it means to have a family. Whatever you want to ask, I might not know the answer anyway.”
“Then…” Kazuki’s voice wavered. “If you just listen, will you promise that you won’t kick me out or… then, please just forget this conversation happened.”
Rei hesitated. “Forget it? I’ll try.”
“When we met, I didn’t know why it was exactly… but you became someone really important to me quickly. We’ve lived together, and I’ve had my own things to deal with too. You know, I lost my wife. I’ve been in a bad place. Time passed quicker than I realized, and there are things that I should have said. Should have understood quicker. But I didn’t. I—”
It was easier to say all of that than expected. Maybe because it felt like both an apology and a release, finally, of the feelings that had been twisting agonizingly inside of him. And Rei was still there, standing next to him, at least at this moment. He hadn’t run away yet.
“I didn’t realize exactly how I felt until it was too late to say something. And then it really became too late… Miri showed up. And if I told you now, I could lose both you and her. Even if… we’re only roommates. It’s better than losing everything we have together…”
The silence was thick, and a sudden chill in the air made Kazuki shiver. Goosebumps ran up his skin, and his eyes watered stubbornly in their corners. Just from the cold, he told himself. It was that time of year…
He felt some warmth against his skin, and Rei’s hand rested on his face. His fingers, on Kazuki’s cheek, slim and delicate. The same that had pulled the trigger of a gun to end countless people’s lives. What was love to someone like them? How could he even expect Rei to understand, that he had fallen in love with him? How could he ask what he felt, in return?
Those blue eyes stared back at him. And God, how Kazuki had grown to love them too.
Taking his reaction, his quickening pulse, his flushing face as an indicator of permission, Rei kissed him.
Rei’s lips were soft, surprisingly soft. His breath was sweet with the chocolate dessert that Kazuki had made for them and menthol cigarette. Kazuki brought his hands up to Rei’s hair and threaded his fingers through it. He’d given Rei regular haircuts, but this had nothing on them. It felt totally different to touch his hair like this now.
When the kiss stopped, Rei’s face lingered close to his.
“Thanks,” Rei deadpanned. “I had no idea how to bring this topic up.”
“Wait—what?” Kazuki almost shook him. “You mean you were also thinking about this?”
“Now I can quit smoking again.”
“Hey—Rei!” Kazuki grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him. He crashed their lips together this time, not letting him get away that easily.
The question Kazuki had been terrified to ask hadn’t entirely been answered, but it was enough, to shatter them into a new future. And one day, when he got the courage, he could also tell Rei that he loved him. Maybe it wouldn't be that far in the future, after all.