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Feenky was a genuinely nice elf. She always tried her best to do good work and to be patient with her fellow elves in the kitchen at Hogwarts. Feenky cooked the most marvelous meats to be eaten warm or cold. Roasted lamb, chicken, and venison, smoked haddock, kippers, mince, sausages, puddings, haggis, corned beef, howtowdie and kilmeny kail were just a few of her regulars. And today, it was to be roast beef for dinner in the Great Hall.
Feenky was tired. Sergeant Habby’s after-work parties always went too late, and they were much too frequent. The kitchen elves spent all day together. Why did they have to have parties together, too? Feenky preferred to read quietly in her barrel home in the evenings, or play board games and card games with Liliffith. Liliffith had been busier lately and couldn’t play as much, and Feenky was annoyed. It was fine. Feenky tried to be understanding.
After she had a morning cup of tea and did some light stretching, she dragged herself to the cold storage room. The chilled air and strong smells of raw meats struck her in the face as she entered. She wasn’t ready for this, yet the roast beef depended on her.
Rooky, her assistant, was already inside, moving slabs of meat into carts. Rooky heaved a chunk onto the piled up cart, and it slid off, plopping onto the floor. He picked it up again, and this time, placed it more securely on the pile.
“Rooky! Don’t put floored meat right on the meat pile!” Feenky fussed.
“Why, Feenky? We’re just going to cook it anyway,” said Rooky.
Feenky closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She’d already been over this.
“Feenky has told you many times that there are rules that must be followed, with regard to the proper handling of raw meats. Yes, Feenky and Rooky are going to cook it, but, for one, it has floor dirt on it. Two, you are going to put that floor meat on the chop block and all the floor dirt will get all over the chop block. And then…”
Rooky stuck a finger up his nose and wiggled it around. He wiped his finger on his towel shirt.
Feenky gasped. “No! You cannot wipe your nose finger on your shirt!”
“There was no where else to put it, Feenky.”
“You should put it in a handkerchief and then wash your hands!”
“Alright, Feenky. Rooky will try to remember,” he said. He picked up the floor meat from the pile and wiped it across his shirt.
“What are you doing?!” Feenky yelled, in disbelief.
Rooky looked confused. “Rooky thought you wanted the floor meat cleaned off. He was wiping off the floor dirt…”
“Stop, Rooky!”
Rooky froze with the sirloin against his chest.
Feenky sunk her forehead into her palm. She took a deep breath and tried to remember her breathing techniques for calmness. She counted to ten in her mind and used her calm voice. “Please go put on a clean shirt, Rooky. And then wash your hands and meet Feenky at the chop block.” Rooky began to walk out of the storage room. “And put that sirloin in the sink! Feenky will scrub it herself!”
…
Feenky turned the spit at the proper speed to perfectly roast the long line of beefs over the fire in the kitchen fireplace.
Habby, the kitchen boss, often walked past and looked sideways at Feenky’s work.
“Are Feenky’s roasts on schedule for tonight?” Habby asked, as she looked down at her clipboard.
“They are, Sar… Habby. They always are.”
Habby wrote on her clipboard. “And you have made the proper adjustments to the quantity Habby told you about, for the weekend?”
“Yes, Habby. It’s always the same adjustments that Feenky has been doing properly since long before you were kitchen boss.”
Habby’s eyes glanced up from the clipboard. “It is Habby’s job to confirm that everything is in order, Feenky. Habby does not need your opinion nor attitude.”
“It is Feenky’s job to cook the proper quantities of meats and Feenky’s job to cook the meats so that they are finished at the proper time. Habby cannot say a single time when Feenky failed to prepare the meats properly.”
Habby’s eyes narrowed to glare at Feenky. She then returned to her clipboard and scribbled ferociously.
“Habby cannot imagine why Feenky is behaving like a cranky, old erkling this morning! Does Feenky even value her job?” Said the kitchen boss.
“Feenky is the only one around here who can roast twenty beefs, smoke herrings, and make several days of puddings all at once, and have every single one of them be perfectly done and on time. Is there any other elf who can accomplish such a feat on a daily basis in this kitchen?!” Feenky was indignant. And Habby knew Feenky was correct.
“Well… too much more of this and… you won’t be allowed at Habby’s parties anymore! Habby means it!”
Feenky was silenced for a moment, but still turned the spit. She contemplated her choice of words. Then she looked at the kitchen boss and said, “Feenky thinks Habby is a rude, syncophantic, apple-polishing, stuffed-goose, upstart windbag! Write that on your clipboard!”
…
Feenky finished the perfect roast dinners for the wizardlings upstairs. The she sat next to Liliffith for her own dinner. They usually ate together and were best friends. Liliffith hummed a song while she chewed.
“What is that?” Feenky asked.
“What is what?” Liliffith asked.
“That song you are is humming? What is it?”
“What was it? Liliffith doesn’t know. She didn’t realise she was humming.”
Feenky continued to eat, staring at her food. Liliffith began to hum again.
“You are humming again,” Feenky said, impatiently.
“What? Liliffith was humming? She really didn’t realise.”
“Where is your head? Are you aware of what is going on in your own mind right now?! You are so distracted lately!”
Feenky’s friend looked at her, ashamed, and said, “Liliffith thought you looked annoyed. Liliffith thought you wanted to be left alone, so she tried to sit quietly. Liliffith can’t sit quietly, it seems…”
Feenky huffed. “Feenky is annoyed. Feenky is going to eat in her home.” She stood up and walked toward her barrel home. Upon reaching her door, she was intercepted by Nonsuch.
“You will never believe what Nonsuch heard today,” Nonsuch said, furtively.
“Feenky isn’t interested in your gossip tonight. Feenky is tired and going home.” She tried to move towards her door, but was blocked by Nonsuch.
“Nonsuch doesn’t gossip! Nonsuch shares important news!” He said, offended. “And besides, this news is about your friend, Liliffith.”
Feenky paused and looked at Nonsuch.
“Nonsuch thought that might interest you. Nonsuch heard that Liliffith has been spending more time with that castle-elf, Deek. That Deek was overly-imbibed and that someone thought they saw Deek leave Liliffith’s home,” he whispered.
“You are wrong,” Feenky said, matter-of-factly. “Deek was ill and Liliffith and Feenky put Deek to bed there and Liliffith stayed with Feenky that night. Deek was too sick to be sent home. It was the caring and considerate thing to do.”
“Really?” Asked Nonsuch. “Is that the truth?”
“Have you known Feenky to lie? Of course it’s the truth. Liliffith doesn’t deserve such gossip spread about her when she simply did a kind deed to a fellow elf. Feenky would appreciate it if you would squash such rumors.”
“Ah, well if you say so…” Nonsuch looked around and stepped back from Feenky’s door. “Thank you for clarifying.” He nodded his head in a small bow.
“Thank you for consulting Feenky on this. It is most important to have the facts straight. Good night, then.” Feenky went inside.
She sat on her upholstered chair by her own little fireplace and placed her dinner on the side table. She sat back and crossed her arms. She didn’t want to be a grumpy, old erkling. She was a nice elf. But she was being driven to madness. Rooky was disguising and unteachable. Nonsuch was a ridiculous nashgab. Liliffith was oblivious. Habby was… everything she had said before.
Feenky knew she was over-tired. Most days weren’t like this and she would feel better in the morning. She just wanted to be alone. So she spent the evening working on a puzzle until she was ready for bed.
…
At 4 AM, Feenky jolted awake.
“The leftover roast beef!” She cried out.
In her desperation to be alone, she’d forgotten to put away the unused roasts from the night before. She had planned to pick off the meat to make stovies for lunch later that week.
Feenky slipped out of her home into the kitchen. To her dread, she saw the leftover roasts right where she had left them. They had been sitting in the warm kitchen all night. She sniffed them with her excellent nose. There was already a subtle change in the odor. They simply wouldn’t be fit for the delicate wizardlings to eat. But after all that hub-bub with Habby the day before, she oughtn’t be caught in such a mistake.
“Feenky, what’s going on?” She heard a whispered hiss behind her, and looked around. It was Liliffith. Liliffith scurried over to her.
“What are you doing here?” Feenky asked, in desperation.
“Liliffith heard your door open and close. Your barrel is right above hers.”
“Oh,” Feenky said.
“What are you doing in the kitchen this early? Is something the matter?”
There was no use hiding what was in plain sight, so she said, “Feenky forgot to put away the roast beef last night, and it’s started to turn. Sergeant can’t find out or Feenky will be wading in cac.”
Liliffith looked between her friend and the leftover roasts, and offered, “Let us move them quickly! In the bottom of the scrap barrel over there. It gets switched out tomorrow!”
The two elves hastily moved the roasts into the bottom of the barrel and covered them with old cabbage leaves, stinky potato peelings, and used up stock bones. Then they retreated back to Feenky’s home.
“Hopefully it won’t attract the ghosts before the barrel get’s taken,” Liliffith said.
“Thank you for your help.” Feenky smiled at her friend. What a good friend Liliffith was. “Would you like some hot chocolate? We can work on the puzzle before morning.” And they had a lovely time together before the wake up bell.