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His heart was still pounding against his chest hard enough to hurt as he walked fast to keep pace with Miguel, heavier footsteps echoing behind them as Demetri jogged down the corridor to catch up.
Miguel wasn’t slowing down though, if anything he was trying to speed up when Demetri’s hand clamped down on his shoulder and held him in place while he practically bent over double panting like he’d just run a marathon. Eli glanced down at the bag dangling from his other hand – dripping yoghurt onto the floor and already starting to smell a little bit sour – and looked away guiltily.
“Wait up would you, you know I’m not a cardio guy.”
“You’re not an anything guy, Demetri,” Miguel said in an unusually sharp tone of voice, before grimacing and rubbing his hand against his face. “Sorry, I’m just…”
He didn’t bother finishing that thought, instead glancing down at the mess of their friend’s backpack, sighing and wordlessly nodding in the direction of the nearest bathroom before walking toward it, thankfully at a more reasonable pace this time.
Eli immediately followed after them and watched his two best friends silently as they marched over to the sinks, trying to at least clean off the worst of the yoghurt before it set and began to reek.
“God, he’s such a fucking asshole,” Demetri said, rubbing a handful of paper towels against his bag, groaning at how quickly they began to break apart, “I told you we shouldn’t try to stand up to him, Miguel, it only makes things worse.”
Frown deepening, Miguel wet some more towels under the tap and set to work on one of the bag’s straps. “I’m not just going to let him do whatever he wants to us.”
“You’re going to end up with your ass kicked, again-” he jabbed a single finger into Miguel’s forehead, near the bandage covering one of the worse cuts still marring his face, though he snapped his hand back quick when Miguel jerked away with a wince and glared at him “-I’m just saying this as a friend, you need to learn a thing or two about self-preservation.”
“Yeah? How’d self-preservation work out for you?” Miguel lifted the bag and nodded towards it before continuing, “He’s not going to leave us alone anyway, I’d rather at least try and stand up to him.”
Eli hated this.
His two best – only – friends were arguing and all he could do was stand on the sidelines watching, and the worst part was probably that he agreed with both of them to some degree. Demetri was right in that standing up to Kyler had only made Miguel a bigger target and he probably wouldn’t be beat up right now if he’d run away with them when Eli and Demetri had fled Kyler at the Halloween dance. But he couldn’t deny that Miguel had a point too; they had been trying to keep their heads down and not attract attention from their bully for years before Miguel had come along, and when had that ever stopped Kyler from being a dick to them?
But neither of them could understand the other’s point of view and Eli didn’t know what to say to make them stop fighting like this.
And he wasn’t even helping them clean up because he didn’t want to get dragged into their argument and was already too distracted by the words constantly spinning in his head.
What kind of girl would ever kiss this shit.
He was a shit friend.
“I’m just trying to help us survive here, we have more important things to focus on, like getting into college so we can get away from all this bullshit an-”
Demetri was cut off by the bell ringing, making all three of them jump and forcing Eli to press his fingers to his ears to at least dull down the harsh noise grating against the inside of his skull like sandpaper.
As the echoes died away, Miguel glanced briefly over to Eli, before turning back to Demetri. “You’ve got trig next, right?”
Nodding and groaning about the mock exam the class had been warned to expect today, Demetri hurriedly wiped off as much of the yoghurt residue left on his bag as possible and threw his wad of disintegrating paper towels in the bin as he left.
Eli exchanged a glance with Miguel, but quickly dropped his head again, pulling the ends of his sleeves over his hands and quietly saying, “We should get going too.” They were in the same class after all, might as well go there together.
They headed out of the bathroom, weaving around other students in the corridors all on their way to their next classes, but neither Eli nor Miguel were in any rush to get to theirs.
He wanted to ask if Miguel was ok, make sure that Kyler and Brucks hadn’t aggravated any of his existing injuries earlier, but the words kept catching in his throat every time he thought he’d found a good way to voice his concerns. But there was something he had to say, no matter what.
“Miguel…” He flinched slightly when his friend turned to look at him and had to swallow thickly just to force out a barely audible, “Thanks.”
Fuck, he just wanted to live in the feeling that Miguel’s smile gave him; though it didn’t last long enough to really bask in that feeling this time. “You’re my friend, I wasn’t going to sit back and do nothing.”
Eli felt the bile rising up in his throat.
That’s what I did before, when you were getting beat up.
That’s what I did today, when you were standing up for me.
Was that really what being a friend was? He didn’t even have the right to think of Miguel in those terms, not when he wasn’t even able to stop himself from running away from a fight just to save his own skin. And it wasn’t like he didn’t want to fight back, every time he saw Kyler’s face, there was a part of him that raged and screamed and wanted to just rip him to pieces with his bare hands, but he wasn’t strong like Miguel, wasn’t confident and proud.
Or maybe he just didn’t actually care that much about his friends? Maybe that was the real difference between them, Miguel just cared more, while Eli was simply taking advantage of his kindness to feel better about himse-
“Hey-” Miguel’s face suddenly appeared in his view, leaning over to look at him and blocking his path so he was forced to stop or walk right into him “-are you ok?”
He tried to force his face to go blank – he hadn’t even thought he’d been making an expression that was any cause for concern, but then again Miguel was better at that kind of thing than him – and gave a quick nod. “I’m fine.”
His friend didn’t stop giving him that weird look though, eyes narrowing slightly as he inspected his face so intently that Eli could feel himself wanting to crawl out of his own skin.
The halls around them were quickly emptying out, and they were still a ways from the classroom they only had a minute left to get to, but Miguel wasn’t moving, just kept staring at him and ignoring the few stragglers needing to step around them to get to where they were going, grumbling at the pair as they did.
Eli opened his mouth to ask what was up, but cut himself off when Miguel raised his hand and reached out towards him, movements slow enough that Eli could see exactly what he was doing and could easily have stepped back or stopped him if he’d wanted.
But instead he just stood there, unresisting, letting Miguel grab hold of his arm and start dragging him back down the corridor the way they’d came.
“Miguel, wha-”
“C’mon, computer labs are usually empty this time of day,” was the only explanation he got and he had to stumble into a light jog to keep up as his friend kept marching them further and further from the class they were supposed to be heading towards.
“But we-”
Glancing back over his shoulder with a grin, Miguel slowed down a little, but didn’t let go. “Skipping one period isn’t gonna kill us,” he said, shrugging lightly as they turned the corner that led to the empty computer labs, opening the first door they came to and quickly scanning the room for signs of anyone else before stepping inside. “Besides, we’re both crushing AP physics, we’ll be able to catch up.”
His mind kept yelling at him that they shouldn’t be doing this, they needed to turn around and get back to class before they got into trouble… but at the same time his heart was racing from something that wasn’t fear for once and he wanted to hold onto that feeling for as long as he could.
Satisfied that the coast was clear, he and Miguel found a corner in the back of the classroom where they could sit on the floor and be sufficiently hidden away if anyone happened to look through the windows.
Once they were settled as comfortably as they could be, Miguel turned that intense look on him again, and Eli realised he’d just walked right into his trap.
“Seriously, are you ok?” he asked, voice low, but he gave a weak smile this time which softened his words just enough that Eli didn’t feel any accusation in his words. “Things got a little heated between me and Demetri there and we didn’t get a chance to check in on you.”
Swallowing down the sob he wanted to let out, Eli just nodded. “I’m ok. Really.”
It was frustrating; the conflicting emotions of relief and resentment that simple question into his wellbeing had brought out in him.
He was glad Miguel had asked, he really was, just knowing that this guy – who was kind of everything Eli wished he could be – cared enough to want him to be alright made him feel warm and safe in a way he didn’t often feel in his life. However at the same time, he really didn’t want the reminder that he was the weak one, the pathetic one in their friend group who needed to be protected by the other two.
But he couldn’t exactly deny that he fit that role perfectly either.
“Look, what Kyler said-”
What kind of girl would ever kiss this shit.
“-he’s a piece of shit, you shouldn’t listen to him.”
Eli tensed up as the words cycled around in his mind again and again, along with the feeling of unfamiliar hands gripping his jaw too tightly, a face too close to his own. He wanted to peel off his own skin to alleviate the sensation, but had to settle for pulling his sleeves back over his hands and rubbing the coarse material across his jaw as subtly as he could. “He was right though.”
“I don’t think Kyler’s ever been right about anything in his entire life,” Miguel said, crossing his legs under him and leaning his elbows on his knees.
He couldn’t help snorting a little at that comment. “Maybe about most things,” he said, a tiny smile twitching at the corner of his mouth before the words that had been looping in his mind ever since Kyler said them echoed again and his amusement quickly died down, “but not about this.”
Miguel’s own smile dropped as well and he immediately missed its warmth. “Eli-”
Hands trembled slightly as he rubbed his sleeve harder against his mouth. “No one’s ever gonna want to kiss me.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Miguel said, leaning closer for a moment, one hand moving in an aborted gesture towards him before dropping back into his own lap, “Kyler was just trying to hurt you.”
Frowning and turning away from his friend, Eli fought back the tears building in his eyes.
He didn’t want to keep being this weak, not in front of Miguel of all people.
“I’m not being stupid, I’m being realistic.”
It wasn’t just that Kyler had said something cruel, that was just to be expected from him and, while he still found himself being hurt by the things he said despite knowing what an asshole the guy was, he had long ago learned not to put too much stock in the constant stream of bullshit he spewed. But this – what kind of girl would ever kiss this shit – it was painful because it was true.
He had gone his entire life without ever getting close enough to another person for even the hint of an opportunity to present itself.
Every crush he’d ever had had been unrequited, and the few times he’d ever dared to express his feelings – or had them revealed against his will by one of his bullies looking for any opportunity to make his life miserable – the reactions had been some variation of either ridicule or disgust. Who did he have who was even an option anymore? The only people he ever spoke to were his family, Demetri – who he’d known for so long that he basically was family, the ‘binary brothers’ thing might have started off as a joke but it wasn’t anymore – and Miguel, who…
He couldn’t help glancing over, just for a second, eyes briefly landing on his friend’s lips before skittering away to glare at the opposite wall, praying that his flaming cheeks weren’t giving him away.
Fuck, he needed to stop thinking like that.
It was bad enough torturing himself with the vain wish that anyone would ever want him in that way. No need to add the extra complication of having these occasional confusing thoughts about one of his only friends into the mix.
“Hey, Eli.”
Miguel’s voice could sound so soft and gentle sometimes, always accompanied by those smiles that somehow lit up his entire face in a way that Eli could never bring himself to look away from. Against his better judgement, he found his eyes being dragged towards that smile, even when he wanted nothing more than to run and hide.
The second Eli’s gaze landed on him, Miguel’s smile deepened and he leaned over slowly, outstretched hand landing on his knee and squeezing it lightly. “There are people out there who will want to kiss you, I promise.”
He wanted to feel the comfort Miguel was so obviously offering, but the words just sounded too ridiculous.
“Yeah right,” he said with a bitter laugh, staring at the hand still gripping his knee.
“I’m serious!” Shuffling in closer, Miguel sat right next to him, nudging their shoulders together gently. “So you’ve got a facial difference, so what? I don’t give a shit about that, Demetri doesn’t, there’s plenty of people out there who won’t either, anyone who does is just an asshole you don’t need to pay attention to.”
Eli wanted to believe what he was saying, but Miguel was contradicting years’ worth of taunting and bullying and endless jokes at his expense.
“Besides I, uh, I never said anything before because I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate or not, but I’ve always kinda liked your scar.”
It took several seconds for Miguel’s words to register in his brain – the close proximity was more than a little distracting – but when they did he snapped his head up to gape at him so fast he felt his neck click.
Miguel jerked back slightly at his sudden movement, but he stayed close, even as he let go of Eli’s knee so he could rub uncomfortably at the back of his own neck. “I don’t know, it just… it suits you, I guess?” Whatever expression Eli was making, Miguel must’ve taken it the wrong way, because he quickly buried his face in his hands, muffling his voice when he started backpedalling, “Ok, I’m saying it weirdly, what I mean is that when I first saw you I honestly thought it looked kinda badass, like I know that’s not how you got it, but- God, fuck, I’m making it sound worse aren’t I? Sorry, I swear I’m not trying to offend you, I just-”
He could only hold back for so long before the dam broke, breathless chuckles breaking free as he watched the panic on his friend’s face dissolve into confusion, then relief as he joined in with Eli’s laughter.
Pulling himself together as much as he could, Eli turned to Miguel with a genuine grin, one he didn’t show very often. “Thanks.”
“For what, running my mouth like an idiot?”
He snorted, leaning very briefly into him before sitting back upright. “No one’s ever said anything positive about it before, at best they just try and play it off like it’s not even that noticeable when I know that it is.”
“No problem,” Miguel said quietly, smiling at him again, though it looked a little different this time, softer. “I just wanted to you to know that I like that part of you, just as much as I like all the rest.”
Fuck, did he even hear the things he said?
Given how red Miguel’s face had very quickly gotten, he had belatedly realised what that had sounded like, but he didn’t try to take his words back. If anything he just stared Eli down even harder, like he was daring him to try and refute him.
At least now Miguel wasn’t the only one blushing.
Coughing and ducking his head down, Eli fiddled with the laces of one of his shoes as he mumbled, “Well, I’m pretty sure you’re the only one.”
“I’m not.”
He raised a brow and looked back at Miguel just long enough to let him see the doubt in his face before looking back at his shoes.
“There are people out there who’ll want to kiss you.”
“Then where the fuck are they? Because I’ve never met anyone who sees me as anything but a joke.”
He instantly felt the regret picking at his nerves at the way he’d snapped at Miguel. His mom had raised him not to shout, to be considerate and speak only after careful consideration, but he just got so frustrated sometimes and he didn’t have many outlets for those kinds of feelings.
But the guilt didn’t stop him from letting that anger carry him as he barrelled on before his friend could do more than open his mouth. “Like, people can say they’re not superficial and they don’t care, but I know what they’re always thinking and Kyler’s right, no one’s ever gonna want to kiss this shit-” he waved vaguely towards his own mouth “-and if they do it’s just because they’re curious if they can feel it and I-”
The hand gripping his jaw was light but insistent as it turned his face and he was powerless to resist, especially when he realised just how close Miguel had gotten, how much closer he kept getting as he leaned in.
Eli’s heart was practically humming in his chest and his thoughts were spinning wildly out of control, but despite how rapidly his mind was working – or perhaps because of it – Miguel seemed to be moving in slow motion as he inched closer and closer, gaze flicking between Eli’s lips and his eyes several times before he finally made contact.
The kiss was chaste and sweet and only lasted a few moments, but the second Miguel’s lips touched against his he felt the rush as his warped perception of time righted itself and suddenly he was drowning in the gentle feeling of warm skin and soft breaths fanning out across his cheeks. When Miguel slowly pulled away, Eli wanted more than anything to reach up and tug him back in, but his entire body had frozen in place as he stared into his friend’s dark eyes wondering what the fuck had just happened.
Miguel’s calm expression quickly melted away as he glanced at the hand still lingering on Eli’s jaw, and snapped it back, mouth dropping open and eyes going wide like he’d somehow surprised himself too.
“Oh. Ohhh. Shit.”
Yeah, that about summed it up.
Cheeks rapidly darkening – though the effect was certainly more subtle for Miguel than it was on Eli’s much paler skin – he scooted back like it would somehow remove the memories of how close they’d been just moments earlier. “I- sorry, I didn’t mean to, I mean, I did mean to, but it wasn’t- that was kind of a spur of the moment decision and I really didn’t think it through and- and could you maybe, like, say something? Anything? Or at least hit me, or shout at me or something, because you’re just kinda staring and I’m terrified that I’ve just ruined our friendship here and-”
“You’re gay?” Eli winced and wanted to smack himself. That hadn’t been even remotely what he’d wanted to say, it was just the first coherent pair of words to escape his lips.
Miguel looked away, an unreadable expression on his face somewhere between embarrassment and stress. “Uh, I- no? I don’t think so,” he said, tripping over his own words as squeezed his hands together in his lap. “Maybe bi? I’ve, uh, had some thoughts before, but I haven’t…” Trialling off, he looked back towards Eli and his gaze notably dropped down a few inches before snapping back up to his eyes.
He looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
Coughing and very pointedly looking as far away from Eli as he could, he almost didn’t hear his mumbled, “Almost certainly bi.”
“Oh.”
What the fuck was he even supposed to say to that? Hey, me too probably! So, do you wanna do that again because I’m kind of losing my mind here and you kissing me was the last time anything made any sense.
“Cool.”
Groaning, Miguel rubbed a hand against his face, hissing when he aggravated the bruising on his cheek. “Look, I’m really sorry, I should’ve asked first, but I just wanted to prove to you that Kyler was talking out of his ass and that seemed like the most straightforward-”
“That was my first kiss.”
He hadn’t meant for that to sound accusatory – he wasn’t quite sure how he felt, currently some dizzying mix of gratitude and euphoria – but the sheer horror in Miguel’s expression made him realise too late how it could’ve come across that way.
“Oh God, I really wasn’t thinking at all, I- I can go, if you want?” He wasn’t even waiting for an answer, already pushing himself to his feet unsteadily.
Eli was reaching up to grab his hand before he could stop himself. “Stay,” he said, amazed at himself for how calm he sounded, though that quickly melted in the face of Miguel’s huge brown eyes staring down at him, “um, please?”
For a long, painfully awkward moment, neither of them moved. Eli was extremely aware of his hand still wrapped around Miguel’s, it was impossible to ignore with his skin prickling everywhere it made contact with his friend’s, but he didn’t want to let go, just in case it was the only thing keeping Miguel here with him instead of running away like he so clearly wanted to do.
Miguel was right though, they couldn’t run away from their problems forever, at some point they would have to stand and face them head on.
And he might still be scared shitless of Kyler, but this was one problem he was willing to fight for.
“I…” He sucked in a sharp breath, gently tugging on Miguel’s hand until he got the message and sat back down with a dull thud. “Did you only do that because of what Kyler said?” he asked, half terrified to hear the answer, but pushing on despite his trembling voice, “Because I- I liked it, and I really want to do it again, but if that was just you trying to prove a point…”
“It kinda was.”
He winced, but nodded, already expecting the answer.
It still caught him off-guard just how much it stung him to hear his fears confirmed though. But this was good, they were re-establishing their friendship so they knew where they stood with each other, hopefully this incident wouldn’t mess things up between them forev-
The barely-there touch against his cheek cut his thoughts short and he jumped slightly, staring at Miguel as he pulled his hand back, before slowly, cautiously, reaching out again, silently asking permission this time. When Eli didn’t try to back away, Miguel gave him a soft smile and pressed his palm against his cheek again, more firmly this time.
Eli could feel the rough calluses of his hand against his skin and almost shivered at the not-unpleasant sensation.
And he really did shiver when Miguel’s hand slid down just slightly so he could gently stroke his thumb along the scar on his lip.
He already felt like crying, a feeling that only intensified when Miguel started leaning into him again, stopping a hair’s breadth from his mouth to whisper, “But this time I’m doing it because I really want to, ok?”
Burying a hand in Miguel’s shirt and holding on for dear life because he felt seconds away from passing out, Eli gave a single nod. “Ok.”
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