Work Text:
Dear Paracetamol,
You’re such a warm person, did you know?
I don’t think you realize it, but you are.
Within the walls of this university, I remember how we used to be when we were still here.
I love cooking for you. I loved the way you reacted when you tasted my food, I think that the sight of you eating what I made is one of my most favorite views up to this day. I remember that apartment two rides away from campus, making homecooked meals to make sure that we at least eat well amidst all-nighters and empty coffee cups.
I still recreate that personal Sinigang recipe that we used to make during finals, and also those pan-cooked sweet cakes we made.
Do you remember our first kiss?
Well, that was a silly question. Of course, you do. You’re not the type to forget things like that.
After that day, I became especially fond of strawberries from Baguio.
Holding your face in my hands in the middle of strawberry fields still feels like a dream most of the time and to this day, I don’t think that those strawberries could ever begin to be as sweet as that exact moment.
Returning to University as an official couple brought a lot of teasing, but I was more than happy to tell the world that you were mine. I still am. I will always be.
Graduation is a fond memory, too.
Seeing you on that stage, receiving your diploma. I am in love with the way you can find me in the middle of that large crowd of students wearing the same cap and toga.
Then exchanging bouquets after we bought one for each other, bringing them into our now shared apartment, seeing them joined in a flower vase. I miss that. Do you notice that I still replace the vases to hold the same combination of flowers?
What I love the most, though, were our lazy little weekends whenever our day offs would align. Seeing you come into the room bringing us breakfast in bed made me fall in love with you all over again. All hardships are worth it to have this life with you.
Everything is worth it for you.
You never think of yourself as worth it, but you are.
You have always been everything to me.
It feels like several universes have come and went after that flatline, but I still can’t seem to let go of your hands.
Sometimes, I still wake to the thought of you and I can’t even begin to forgive myself – or to even think of doing so. Sometimes, I see you in the balcony, you’re wearing that loose white dress you like and you greet me good morning. Sometimes, I see you beneath the flickering lights of the hospital. Sometimes, I see you in the passenger seat of my car, between the changing of lights. I see you in every passerby, in every restaurant, in every operation room, always lingering.
The day that they brought you into the emergency room, limp and barely breathing – they were anxious to let me do it, but who else would have? All the other doctors were unavailable.
And you were dying.
In my arms.
How could I have ever trusted anyone else with you?
I told you to trust me, and I felt the way you clutched at my hands even while you were unconscious.
But I can only hope that there’s a universe out there where we returned to Baguio. Picking strawberries. Cooking homemade food. Watching movies while eating sweet popcorn. Sleeping in.
I’m sorry that I failed you.
My colleagues tell me that they never saw me with life after yours ended. They are correct.
I don’t think that life ever really moved as it used to without you.
Your heart has always been a little too fragile.
And I shouldn’t have been the one to hold it on that operation table.
I miss you.
I miss you so much.
It’s been four decades but I still do. I can’t move out of our apartment, I can’t stop buying matching mugs or matching slippers, I can’t stop getting you those little plush toys from the vending machines, I can’t stop buying your bath products after the old ones expire, and I can’t stop making twice the portions that I need to.
I know you won’t but sometimes I still hope that I’ll hear the beeping of the door lock and you would walk in, grinning as you held up a tub of ice cream we’ll share. I still hope that the fragments I see of you in my everyday become whole and real again.
I miss you.
I love you.