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You stepped out of the taxi in your fitted black off-the-shoulder dress, exposing more skin than you were used to. Paired with black stilettos that you could barely take a step in without nearly tumbling over. It was rare for you to dress up in anything other than your daily business casual or the occasional dress blues. Being a detective at SVU required you to look professional, but still be able to move around while working in the field. Tonight was the exception. It was your partner’s wedding night. Finn Tutuola was set to marry his old partner from Narcotics, Phoebe Baker. It was an inspirational story about second chances at love and you admired what they had. You just wished you had it for yourself.
Working at SVU meant there was no time for relationships. Your basic understanding was you either marry someone on the job, who understood the hectic schedule and constant cancellations, or you pick up someone from the bar for a desperate excuse to “feel something,” at least for the night. It seemed like everyone on the squad went with the first option. Finn and his ex partner, Sonny with Amanda. Even Liv reignited the flame with her old partner, Elliot. Everyone had built a strong foundation with their partners that resulted in a love connection. That just wasn’t the case with you. Before Finn, you were partnered with a man by the name Nick Amaro. He had left SVU a few months after Sonny arrived. Yes, he was attractive and yes you have thought about it. But he had his issues. He could never keep his anger at bay. His jealousy with his ex Maria was all he could ever talk about. When he was hurt on the job, he knew it was time to go. There was no moving up the ranks. He may as well be near his family in California. Nick’s departure was bittersweet. As much as you appreciated his protection and friendship, there was this toxicity in the air when he was around. Everyone felt it. He watched Amanda (who you were pretty certain was involved with Nick) flirt with Carisi. Which in turn made Amaro bitter and lash out at everyone. Not to mention, you were constantly having to bail him out of trouble. It was too much on you. When you became Finn’s new partner, it was as calm as sex crimes could be. He handled things by the book. There were no assaults of perpetrators. No kicking or punching walls and lockers. And there was no screaming and cursing over the phone to his exes. It was refreshing.
Still, you were lonely. And the thought of having someone sounded better than being alone. Even if that person was a train wreck. But the person you dreamed of wasn’t a partner of yours. They weren’t even a cop, but a snarky, well-dressed ADA. Rafael Barba was, to put it simply, the best man you have ever known. The way he advocates for victims, takes on tough cases that most ADA’s would turn down, and works tirelessly to make sure we have an airtight case. You can’t help, but long for him. You knew it was a pipe dream. Barba was nearly fifteen years older than you. And he’s this big shot lawyer who dresses to the nines in three piece suits, suspenders, and ties with bold prints, along with mismatched pocket squares. The man exudes confidence. He would never have noticed a second grade detective. Sure you thought you were pretty. You had long dark wavy hair. You were thin, but in no means tall. You don’t see yourself as memorable. Not like the women that you saw on his arm at the galas. Those women are the type that were beautiful enough to be seen with such an influential man. So instead of a love connection, you chose the friend zone. The two of you became an iconic duo, fighting for victims, taking care of each other at all hours of the day, and doing your best to make sure both of you were keeping a positive outlook on life. It was easy to fall into a pit of despair in a job like this.
As you made your way through the crowd of people who were gathered to witness Finn and Phoebe’s marriage, you found your squad at a pub table conveniently close to the open bar.
“(Y/N), there you are. You look beautiful” Liv exclaimed as she hopped down from her chair and gave you a tight squeeze. You hugged her back and exchanged niceties with her along with Elliot, Sonny, and Amanda.
“Where’s Barba?” you tried to ask casually as you tossed back some of your martini. You already knew you’d need a few more drinks if you were going to make it through this night alone. As if on cue, Barba’s town car pulled up and he stepped out. It felt like one of those movie moments where everything went into slow motion. All you could see was him. He wore a classic black suit with a white button up peeking underneath and a black tie to go with. His hair was perfectly coiffed. As he reached the group he smelt like sandalwood with a hint of citrus. A smell you’ve come to know very well. Barba had made his way amongst the group with hugs and air kisses against the cheek. When he reached you, he had smirked as he waved a hand in front of your face.
“Sorry, what was that?” you asked as you felt the heat rise to your cheeks.
“I said you looked lovely this evening and if you needed a refill.” He nodded his head in the direction of your near empty glass. You could hardly speak. You hated how tongue-tied he made you just with his presence. You could only nod, which earned you another one of his signature smirks and he grabbed your glass and headed towards the bar. You turned to face the group again and noticed their smug smiles.
“Cat got your tongue, (Y/N)?” Amanda laughed. She learned of your crush on the prosecutor early on. You could only sigh and stare, while daydreaming of a man so much before someone was bound to notice. “He looks nice, doesn’t he?” The rest of the group just laughed as they watched your face turn even more red. Barba had returned to the group with both your drink and his, asking what he missed. Thankfully, Sonny showed mercy and had changed the topic to Finn and Phoebe. The night officially began with everyone sharing their favorite stories of the two.
After the ceremony, the guests gathered around the dance floor and watched the couple share their first dance as husband and wife. You had a sneaking suspicion that it was Finn’s first dance ever as he was stumbling over Phoebe’s dress. He had told you all about how Phoebe wanted him to attend dance lessons with her in preparation for the big day, but even she knew that was a big ask of him. Dancing just wasn’t his forte. Regardless, they looked wonderful together. Both of them were smiling bright as they stared into each other's eyes. You were so envious of them that your stomach started to turn at the thought of never finding that with someone. After the dance the music started to speed up and guests joined them on the floor. Booze were being absorbed, bodies were touching, and conversations were flowing. You watched your friends dance with each other. You couldn’t help but snicker as you saw your boss, Olivia nearly grind against Elliot’s crotch. You wondered how many drinks were in her system. And you were certain, Elliot didn't mind. As much as the thought of people watching you dance embarrassed you, you had drank enough to not care and joined your friends. After about 40 minutes of jumping up and down and doing whatever you were supposed to do with your arms, the music finally started to slow down again. You watched as Sonny smiled and slowly brought Amanda’s hand to his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her waist. Olivia and Elliot followed their lead and began to drift around the floor, slowly rocking back and forth. You suddenly felt the embarrassment of having no one to share such a moment with and began to walk back towards the bar, when a hand had softly grabbed your wrist. You spun around and your (e/c) eyes met with his green eyes.
“May I have this dance?” Barba asked with a sincere smile. Something you didn’t see often enough from him. You were worried you would stumble upon your words, so you simply smiled and grabbed his hand as he led you back to the dance floor. You had wrapped your arms around his neck as he grasped her waist and you began to sway back and forth as you let the lyrics of (They Long to Be) Close to You by the Carpenters sink in.
Why do stars fall down from the sky?
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
You did your best to not let the booze get you emotional. You tried to ignore the song, but it felt like it was getting louder and louder in your ears. As if it was mocking you. You ignored Barba’s line of sight and were looking past him. You knew that if you looked into those beautiful piercing green eyes, you were a goner. You couldn't help but think of all the times you spent together. Joking around at the conference table. Quickly grabbing a bite to eat during your tight schedules. Or having a celebratory drink after winning a tough case. The times where Liv sent you to One Hogan Place to drop off a warrant to Barba and not come back until it’s been signed by a judge. This allowed you to spend an hour or two, maybe three in his office. Sometimes you’d get some emails typed out, or some light reading on your phone, while he did paperwork. Other times he knew you two would be waiting at least two hours for an available judge, so he ordered take out to be delivered to his office. You’d bond over your love for greasy Chinese food and stale fortune cookies. After a couple of months, he’d finally start to open up and tell you about himself. At first it was just about his interests. His favorite color (plum), his love of musicals (especially Cabaret), and how he goes to Gstaad, Switzerland to ski every Christmas. Eventually, he told you about his hatred for his father. The beatings he would take to save his mother and the pain he felt when his Abuelita died. He had been a great friend to you and you tried to be a great friend to him. If you were honest, you felt guilty for wanting more with him. In this line of work, everyone needed a friend. Barba deserved a friend. It wouldn’t be fair to cross that line and come onto him. Especially when you figured he didn’t feel the same way. It would put a crack in the foundation of your friendship and you weren’t sure you wanted that.
That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
You were beginning to feel your head pound from the astronomical amount of alcohol you had for your body weight. You could barely see the dance floor. All you saw were the amount of women cozied up against Rafael at charity balls and galas. How he’d have his hand on their lower back while whispering something in their ear that made them laugh. You felt almost as if he were taunting you. It always made you nauseous. You saw the way he looked at Yelina when she stopped by his office. He had asked you to excuse them while they had a conversation. You waited almost an hour in the lobby that day before you decided their conversation wasn’t ending anytime soon, so you left. The crazy amount of women who’d hit on him at the bar, including the waitresses. It made your blood boil. He wasn’t yours, but you wanted to tell them to keep it moving. And worse of all, Barba was oblivious to your jealousy and pain. If anything, he figured your coldness towards other women was just you being protective of him. It was hopeless.
You made a mistake. You looked up and made eye contact with the man you were so close to you could smell the whisky on his breath. It broke you. The tears started to break free from the ducts and make their way down your cheek. Barba, worried, stopped swaying to the music and asked if you were alright. You thought you heard him ask if he accidentally stepped on you. But you didn’t know what to say. How do you tell him that you were not okay and longed for him? Do you lie and say weddings make you emotional or blame it on the alcohol. You looked around the dance floor and saw all the happy couples close together, smiling, having a beautiful night. You feared that if you remained afraid to say how you truly felt, you’d miss your opportunity and never have what everyone else has. So you took a deep breath and sighed.
“Rafael. I have something to tell you and it’s not going to be easy for me to say or for you to hear, but you need to hear it.” Your voice began to shake, but you did your best to center yourself. You had to be brave.
“Raf. These past few years, I feel like I’ve come to know you pretty well. I know that you like the temperature in your office to be set at 68 degrees. Any warmer and you’ll begin to snap at anyone who stops by. Any cooler and you’ll drink more cups of coffee recommended just to warm up, which results in a migraine. You wear bright colored socks with wacky patterns to brighten up your mood. And you always wait to eat your fortune cookie until I’m ready to eat mine. And you follow my rule of eating the cookie before reading the fortune so that the prophecy comes true, no matter if it's a good or a bad one.” Rafael began to smile wide at this drunken speech. He didn’t mind that some of it was hard to understand as you were slurring your words. He was practically holding you up himself. Being in tall heels didn’t help with your balance.
“I make sure to wear that perfume you like. The one with the French name I can’t pronounce, but it smells like vanilla and cinnamon. I know it’s your favorite. And I always keep some ibuprofen, pepto, and mint gum in my pockets as If I’m a walking pharmacy because you constantly need some, but never remember to keep some in your desk-” Rafael cut you off as he chuckled.
“(Y/N), where are you going with this, cariño?
“I know I'm not exactly Yelina, or those other women who adore you, but don’t count me out.” You started to tear up again and sniffle. Rafael gave you a confused look.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean…I love you Rafa. I’ve- loved you for the longest time. I’m..I’m so sorry to pile all of this on you, but..I feel like..I could make you happy. If you just let me” you exclaimed all teary eyed. You stopped yourself from practically begging Rafael to feel the same way. Barba let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. His grip around you loosened as he straightened you to look into his eyes. He tried to speak. Then stopped himself. Then started again, but ultimately didn’t know what to say. It felt like eternity, before someone said anything.
“Look, (Y/N). I’m not going to lie to you and say I haven’t felt something these past few months, but…(Y/N) you're my friend.” There it was. The crushing blow you hoped you’d never feel. You knew where this was going and you were tripping on yourself for ever saying anything at all. Your body began to shake with shame.
“You’re a beautiful girl. And I don’t care that you're not Yelina or any of those other women. You’re so much better than all of them. But, if I learned anything from tonight. It’s that not everyone’s as lucky as Finn and Phoebe. Or Sonny and Amanda. Or even Liv and Stabler. It’s easy to look at them and think it’s a great idea to go from friends first to lovers, but it doesn’t always work out that way. I’ve been there before. It was a disaster. I don’t want to put you through that.” Rafael began to stammer on his words as his eyes got glossy. “You are my best friend. I want it to stay that way. Please-” Now it was his turn to plead. All you could do was shake your head yes and do your best to put on a smile. He knew it was fake, but it meant a lot to him for you to put your feelings aside instead of storming off.
“I understand Raf I- it’s okay. And you are absolutely right. I don’t know what I was- forget I said anything. Let’s just move on.” You forced out a giggle as you placed your hands back around his neck. As silly as it was. He believed maybe you two could move on from this. You at least had to try.
“Thank you, (Y/N). I mean it, thank you.” Rafael kissed the top of your head as he went back into position to dance with you. You laid your head against his chest while listening to the song end. You let the tears pour down. You were his friend. That’s all you’ll ever be. You had to accept that.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.