Chapter Text
Q is thirty two when a trigger is getting pulled and all he can do is watch. Watch and remember.
Q is five as he watches his father leave. His mother is crying in the kitchen while his father carries a bag to the car. Q stands in the hallway, pressed against the wall while he waits for his father to pick him up and take him with him. He doesn't. He thinks of yesterday when they had been to the playground. He thinks of the way his mother had laughed while his father pushed her on the swing higher and higher. He remembers them coming home and his mother making dinner. Everything was fine when he went to bed, he fell asleep to the sound of them talking quietly. Q stays in the hallway, listens to his mother's sobs while he waits for his father to return. And while he waits he wonders if this father is upset with him, if it was something he had done wrong. He wants to ask his father why he leaves, but he never sees him again.
Q is six when he can't wake his mother up. Her limbs are stiff and skin blotchy and cold and Q cries while he pushes and pulls on her arm to wake her up. He doesn't want to leave her, but he needs to call someone to help him. His grandmother arrives thirty minutes later, picks him up, and carries him out of the bedroom. He never sees his granny cry, but he cries for the two of them while he stands in the hallway once again. He watches the police come and go and he watches people come with an empty stretcher and leave soon after. They don't leave alone. The funeral is four days later and this time his granny cries too. He asks her if his mother was sick, if she was sick because of him. It only makes his granny cry harder to the point his gramps sends him to his room. His granny goes back to work and he stays with his gramps. He isn’t sure if his gramps even wants him around because whenever he comes back from school, he is send straight to his room and only comes out when his granny is home. He never asks why they don’t go to the playground.
Q is eleven when he overhears his granny and gramps. He hears them talking about him, about what his teacher suggested. He should go and see a therapist because he is so awfully quiet, never interacts with the other children. He hears his granny cry, hears her asking why she decided to leave. It takes him a moment to understand they are talking about his mother and it is then he realizes his mother killed herself. It is at this moment he realizes he wasn't enough for his father to come back and not enough for his mother to stay. He just wasn't enough. And he starts to wonder why. He wonders what is so different about him that no one cares about him, that no one looks at him twice. He feels abandoned from the world, he feels invisible.
Q is fifteen when he is alone with his crush. He is the best in all of his classes and his crush is not. He tries to explain to him how to solve the equation as his crush kisses him. He doesn't care that it's a boy who kisses him or what his granny would think if she would walk in on them. All he cares about are those lips on his and the butterflies in his stomach, how he doesn't want this moment to end and what it would mean for them. He breaks the kiss breathlessly, brushes his hair out of his face and turns back to the equation. They hold hands under the table. He hopes for them to hold hands the next day as well, feeling happy for the first time as he gets to class just to find everyone laughing at him. His crush sits in the middle of the class, big smile on his face as he says, "Told you he is a bender." He doesn’t even know what he means with bender and when he finds out it makes Q wonder about himself, about what it means for him and his future, what his granny will say. He never tells her.
Q is eighteen when he falls in love and runs away. He loves from afar. Always there, always listening, always ready to do what is expected. He hacks into accounts, he transfers money, he helps steal a car. He knows he does it because of the person who asks all of this from him, and he knows the same person is aware of what he feels. For what he does he gets love and affection and for a short time he believes this is where he belongs, what he waited for. He hopes underneath the silence he is enough for the person to see more in him than just skills and codes and brain. He knows his hope is in vain when the police arrests him. He sees the person he had risked so much for leave the police station when the officers lead him inside.
Q is twenty one when he is approached by MI6. At first he thinks it is a joke, someone who is trying to pull him back into his old life which he left behind. He sets a wrong trail to get away just to be found a couple of days later. This time he wonders if his granny and gramps were looking for him, if the MI6 can be bothered with runaways. He is too curious to turn them down again and goes with them. He is surprised as they do end up at MI6 headquarters, showing him around, telling him how they found him and what is expected of him. His criminal record will be deleted if he agrees and so he does. He wants to belong somewhere, he wants to make an impact. The true reason, though, he agrees on working for MI6 is because he has no other place to go, no one to turn to. He slowly disappears and he wants to leave some kind of trace in this world. Some sign he was alive at all. Only then does he reach out to his grandparents, sending them some money to make sure they are doing good. His letters are all send back. Unopened.
Q is twenty four when he sees Bond for the first time. Everyone stops when he enters, looking like a lion returning to his family to show his prey. Every step, every move, every blink seems well thought-out and Q watches, enthralled by the danger surrounding him. He heard of Bond, but never saw him before and now he is all he wants to see. For a short moment their eyes meet and he thinks Bond falters in his steps, but he brushes the thought out of his mind. When Bond is a lion, he is nothing more but a lamb. He isn't enough to get acknowledged. No one sees him, especially not someone like Bond. But there he is, looking him straight in the eyes before disappearing in an elevator. He is back in his office when he hacks into Bond’s file. He can’t say why he wants to know more about him, all he knows is he starts living again. It is only a slight tingle in the tips of his fingers, but it’s there and he feels again. The tingle spreads through his whole body as they meet again days later. Q holds his breath as Bond walks towards him, he doesn’t know where to look, afraid to be disappointed when he finds he walks past him. Which he does. But his eyes are on Q again and he thinks Bond even smiled at him.
Q is twenty six when he gets promoted from help desk to work at Q-Branch. He is fascinated by Boothroyd and his works, but even more so by Bond who he sees or hears now on a regular basis. Whenever Bond comes in after a mission, he flinches upon seeing the cuts and bruises. He is never there when Boothroyd or Tanner guides him through his missions, although he wishes he was there. He knows he could get him through without any harm, he knows he can do so much better than fixing broken equipment, he knows he can be a much bigger help if they would let him. Sometimes, when Bond visits Q-Branch, he feels like he knows it as well, but then there is this smile. This mocking, amused smile. Q doesn’t know what it means, if it is encouraging or disapproving. It nearly seems as if he wants for Q to come and find it out himself, but he doesn’t dare approaching him. He is aware of his heartbeat, his breathing, but only when Bond is around.
Q is twenty eight when he listens while Tanner and M try to retrieve a very important hard drive. He flinches when M tells Bond to leave another agent behind. He listens to Tanner guiding Moneypenny through the streets of Istanbul. He hears M pushing them further and further. He closes his eyes as Moneypenny describes the situation in the field. He holds his breath as M orders her to take the bloody shot. He feels his heart stopping for a moment as Moneypenny's voice reports, "Agent down." And then silence. No one speaks. No one seems to breathe. No one wants to admit what just happened. No one wants to see M losing this battle in this war. And Q feels himself disappearing again.
Q is twenty eight when he is on his way home and the MI6 goes up in flames. After the explosion all he hears is a whistle in his ear and as he turns around he sees fire, paper glides through the air and then there are screams. He wants to help, but they won't let him back inside the building again. He knows everything is connected, he knows this is about the hard drive. He is sent home. When he returns, Boothroyd is dead and he gets another promotion. He is working on autopilot as he gives orders. He knows what has to be done, but he also knows what has to improve. He is so busy, he misses the rumors spreading. And even as he hears that the lion has returned, he doesn't believe it until he sees him with his own eyes. It is the first time they talk to each other and Q is nervous. Even more so as Bond tries to leave. He feels like a disappointment, as if Bond expected more from the new Quartermaster. But then he sees the twinkle in Bond’s eyes, the teasing in his smile. He is still wary, still feels like he needs to prove himself.
Q is twenty nine when Bond finishes one more mission after Skyfall and before he goes missing again. He knows he is safe and unharmed; Bond probably just needs time. Still it's weird whenever he arrives at MI6 and everyone talks about Bond. About him being too old. About him being not his old self again. About him being unstable. He wonders how everyone thinks an agent like Bond can be stable after everything he has been through. He swallows his anger, focuses on his work, but the anger is growing within him and can't shake it. He realizes he is just as angry with Bond as he is with everyone at MI6: with Bond for leaving just like this and with the others because of their lack of loyalty. He thinks about it as he comes back home and finds Bond sitting on his couch, drinking his whiskey. He still want to be angry, even more so with this unexpected intruder. Instead he takes his jacket off, gets a glass from the kitchen and let Bond pour him some of the ember liquid as well. They sit together in silence for a while until Bond tells him where he has been. When he arrives back at work the next morning, Bond is still missing but this time he is not angry at anyone.
Q is thirty when he realizes he is in love with Bond. He doesn't want to be, but it's something he can't shake. Whenever Bond is out in the field he drinks twice as many cups of tea as usual and he turns from an occasional smoker to a regular, finishing a packet of cigarettes in a couple of hours. He doesn't like to admit it happened, but he knows it's there. This knowledge is just as deeply rooted in him as him knowing there is no need to say it out loud. For one, Bond is too bloody perceptive not to realize what lengths he is willing to go for him, for another he knows it wouldn't change anything between them. Bond does flirt with him, but he also does so with pretty much anyone else. Maybe he doesn't say a thing because he doesn't want to lose this. Maybe he doesn't say a thing because he doesn't want to know he is once again not enough.
Q is thirty one when Bond leaves with Madeleine. He hadn't seen it coming. No one had. Then again it wasn't unlike Bond running away with someone he just met. He stands on the bridge, a couple of feet behind Mallory, both of them looking at Bond. He sees how he aims at Blofeld. How he looks at Madeleine. How he turns his back to Mallory and walks towards her. He still looks at Bond as Mallory turns around to him. Him, Moneypenny, and Tanner. They are all unsure what this means. If this is a goodbye. He knows he won't see Bond again when he arrives at Q-Branch a couple of days later and the Aston is gone and instead there is a bottle of Champagne. He knows he should be happy. He knows it is what Bond deserves.
Q is thirty two when someone in the tube slams into him. At first he didn't think any of it. Then he gets dizzy and sways. When he wakes up, he is tied to a chair. He can't see the people around him, but he is not alone. He hears them talking about teaching MI6 a lesson. About how orphans don’t make the best recruits. How everyone has someone they are attached to, who they would do anything for. He thinks of Silva, expecting him to step out of the shadows, but no one moves; everyone is looking at him. He shakes his head as he tells them, he won't come. Why would he? Even if he knew about his situation, Bond wouldn't come. He has his happy ending and he isn't attached to him. But as it seems he is, once again, not such a clever boy. At least he doesn't feel like a clever boy as he listens again. About how he isn't the only one they have in their control, how Bond can decide which he will see for the last time. If it's Madeleine. Or if it's him. He is still dizzy, his mind still not putting the pieces together. And then he hears the first shot outside the door. And then he understand the game. This is not about his life. Or Madeleine's. This is about Bond. About getting the agents. Luring them out of their hideout. Killing one by one, taking their lives instead of the ones who are dear to them. He thinks Madeleine must be at the same location, must be because why else would Bond be here. He hears more shots and bodies falling to the ground, he hears the sound of metal on concrete and then footsteps. He hears the people around him going into position. He wants to scream, but a hand is pressed down on his face and a mouth close to his ear. Telling him to look one last time at his savior. Then the door opens and he sees Bond. There is a cut on his eyebrow, grime on his cheek and a smug smile on his lips. He can see in his eyes Bond knows what is coming next.
Q is thirty two when a trigger is getting pulled and all he can do is watch.
Q is thirty two when he watches Bond fall to the ground.
Q is thirty two when he stares at him while he is still tied to a chair. People move around him, leaving him and stepping over Bond's body.
Q is thirty two when he holds his breath in an attempt to hear Bond's, but instead all he hears is his own blood rushing in his ears. And then there is a faint voice. The earpiece lays between them. He hears Tanner yelling. Three minutes until Evac.
Q is thirty two when he realizes he was always enough for Bond.
Q is thirty two when all he can do is wait.