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“Err… be honest with me, man. For a moment.”
“Yeah?”
“Are we…” Ignignokt sighed, “Are we ever going to make it?”
“Heh?”
The night was cool. Cold, really, but the mooninites were too cool to be cold. Obviously. That was the kind of thing Err would’ve said on a night like tonight, whether unprompted or to boost morale. After all, nights spent outside after an eviction notice were always colder. It wasn’t the first one they had weathered, and if they were lucky, it wouldn’t be the last. Still, even under the radiance of the full moon over their dirty, god-forsaken city, tonight felt inexplicably worse. Tonight was going to be another night camping out in their van, parked somewhere on the city’s outskirts. The few belongings they had were haphazardly shoved inside with barely enough room for their mattress. Maybe if it was summer, they’d sleep outside under the stars. Too bad it was fall.
They sat side by side on the hood of their van. The smoke from Err’s cigarette rose into the air as Ignignokt’s gaze was fixed on the ground below them.
For Err, morale felt too heavy to boost.
For Ignignokt, spirits didn’t feel worth lifting.
Ignignokt’s question echoed in Err’s nicotine-buzzed mind.
“Are we ever going to make it?”
“Make it?” Err parroted, “The eff are you talking about?”
“God, Err, you know what I mean,” Ignignokt’s voice was weaker. Softer, as if the moon would overhear the break in his smooth, confident persona if he spoke too harshly, “In this life… will we ever become anything more than virtueless vagabonds? Barren bedded, unlaid husks of what could have been valiant gods of this ridiculously shabby planet? Err, surely we can be more, right?”
Err shrugged, taking a drag of his cigarette. He made a vaguely “I ‘unno” sound before replying, “We’re just… us, man… that ain’t bad, right…?”
Err felt the lie fall out of his mouth like a stone to the ground. Somehow, it only made him feel heavier.
Ignignokt looked at Err. His eyes were carrying the same weight.
“Tell me that you’re happy.”
Err obliged, staring back into Ignignokt’s eyes.
“I’m happy as fuck.”
“You’re serious,” Ignignokt deadpanned.
“Since when’d you ever wanna get serious?” Err wrinkled his nose, frowning as he took another drag.
“Since our twenties have begun to slip through the gaps between our fingers, Err,” Ignignokt’s hands grasped at the air, balling into harmless fists, “slipping and falling out of our grasp like the sands of time on this worthless beach of a life that they are.”
“Hehe, beach of a life…” Err blissfully sighed smoke, “that’s a good one…”
“Please, Err,” Ignignokt’s voice wasn’t as soft. The moon could surely hear his pleas now, “You’re… we, in the grand scheme of things, are all we have… why must you deny me this needed conversation regarding my quarter-life crisis?”
Err laughed bitterly, “Oh-hooo WOW, dude, you think you’ve got problems? I-”
“We have problems, Err, you aren’t-”
“DON’T interrupt me!” Err slapped his free hand on the hood of the van, the metal sound booming between them, “I put up with a LOTTA shit, man, but suddenly just cuz YOU’RE starting to chicken outta the free bird lifestyle I gotta deal with it??”
Err wasn’t drunk enough to douse the fiery anger he’s kept in his gut for however many years. Maybe it needed to burn out.
He continued, “I wanted to talk serious YEARS ago, man, YEARS!!!! And you NEVER wanna do it!!!!”
Ignignokt’s eyebrows raised, “You- you’ve never once brought up this subject! I doubt you even understand what I’m saying!”
“Oh yeah?? Then what ARE you saying, huh?? Go ahead, TELL ME!! EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT YOUR POINT IS, AND WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT!!”
Silence.
“... Yeah,” Err clicked his tongue, “That’s what I thought… you don’t even know what the fuck you want, or how to get it… you just wanna complaaaain to the universe, complain to ME, about how shitty you feel till it just magically gets better!”
“A-as if you don’t do the same,” Ignignokt tensed up, “The only difference is that you only complain about subjects that don’t matter.”
Against himself, Err was wounded by that statement. He hadn’t completely broken yet, though, and refused to.
“Like what?”
Ignignokt stared with no empathy, “You know very well, Err. Your sob story of a life; the one you had before you met me.”
And that doesn’t fucking matter to you?
The question died in Err’s tightened throat. He knew Ignignokt didn’t care. He never has.
“It’s a shame, Err,” Ignignokt continued, “You run, and run… but you refuse to untether yourself from the useless sorrow of your past life… I’ve worked so hard for us to have a life of… nothing. And everything. Everything we’ll ever need, and nothing that we never will.”
Ignignokt took his time fishing a cigarette out of the box. As tone-deaf as he was, he didn’t bother trying to bump it with Err’s live embers. He stuck it between his lips and lit it, taking a drag through Err’s tense silence before continuing, “Maybe we would get farther in this life… if you’d stay more present for it. Lived like you wanted to be alive… is that really such a novel concept to you?”
Err made a choked noise, hands trembling as he stared daggers at Ignignokt. He had passed the point of screaming in rage, now in a state of suffocating, burning agony.
Ignignokt didn’t comment on it, but he made a face, “As wise as it was for you to give me the floor, you can-”
Err tackled Ignignokt, who let out the softest yelp of fear any grown man has ever made. His large back collided with the metal hood of their van with a loud thud, but they were far enough towards the edge that Ignignokt’s head hung off the side of it. The cigarette in Err’s hand singed the collar of Ignignokt’s shirt before burning out completely.
“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!” Err screeched, tugging and knocking Ignignokt around by his shirt collar, “YOU DRAGGED ME INTO THIS STUPID LIFE THAT YOU WANTED!!!! YOU WANTED THIS!!!!!!!!!”
“Err, get off-!!” Ignignokt grabbed Err’s wrists, trying and failing to pull the smaller man off of him. Err didn’t look strong, but there was a reason Ignignokt enjoyed sicking Err on his adversaries like a rabie-riddled dog. He just… didn’t think Err would ever bite back.
“YOU MOTHERFUCKING ASS!!!” Err slipped one hand out of Ignignokt’s grasp to punch him in the face, “YOU STUPID IDIOT GODDAMN-” He let out a stream of insults and curses as the two of them wrestled each other.
The weight eventually became too much, and the two of them fell off the side of the van and into the dirt. It was a miracle Ignignokt didn’t break his neck, and an even bigger miracle that the fall was just what he needed to get the upper hand. He pinned Err down under him. The smaller man’s head was pressed against one of the car tires as he continued screaming at Ignignokt with a furious expression.
Ignignokt held onto Err’s wrists once more, managing to pry the man’s hands off of his body and keep him shoved to the ground.
“Do not act like your life was better without me,” Ignignokt gritted his teeth, struggling even with his size advantage, “I used to be miserable, and so were you!!”
“YOU’RE STILL MISERABLE, ADMIT IT!!! WE FUCKING BOTH ARE!!!!” Err’s voice cracked, but he pushed through it, “AT LEAST I KNOW HOW TO TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, YOU STUPID FAT SISSY!!!!!!”
Err managed to loosen his leg from under Ignignokt enough to start kicking him. Ignignokt made pained noises in response, his body crumbling a bit more with each hit, but it wasn’t enough to free Err.
“I am trying to help us, Err!!” Ignignokt pleaded, “Why do you not understand that??”
“LIAR!!! YOU’RE A FAT LIAR!!!”
They continued to wrestle in the dirt, neither of them able to form any decent argument as they fought. They weren’t having much luck before the brawl either, though. The cigarette that was originally in Ignignokt’s hand had already burned out in the same dirt, mostly untouched.
As much as they had rolled around, taking turns trying to punch as much tar out of the other person as they could before losing the high ground again. Dust and dirt stained both of their clothes, and Ignignokt’s especially had begun to tear from Err’s tugging and scratching.
“We aren’t going to-” A knee to the gut knocked the wind out of Ignignokt. He gasped, “t-to get better if you don’t-”
“THIS ISN’T MY FUCKING FAULT!!!” Err retorted, tugging Ignignokt’s hair violently, “QUIT SAYIN’ YOU’RE GONNA FIX US IF YOU’RE JUST DUMPING IT ALL ON ME!!!!!!”
“I am doing my best, Err!!” Ignignokt cried out in pain, pushing away from Err as if he could sink through the ground and run away, “This is me doing my best, what more do you want from me…??”
“I WANT EVERYTHING!!!!!” Err would not give into Ignignokt’s pitiful theatrics, no matter how believable they were this time.
Something snapped in Ignignokt. He finally fought back, ignoring the hand in his hair and punching Err in the jaw. As he spoke his next words, he continued to ignore every sharp blow Err dealt to him in favor of returning it with his own fists as hard as he could.
“You greedy,” Ignignokt’s low voice oozed with contempt, even over Err’s pained grunts with each strike, “pathetic, miserable EXCUSE of a…”
His sharp eyes stared down at the man in his grasp. Err’s face was bruised red, and his mouth bloodied redder. Err’s looked worse, but…
Ignignokt faltered. As much as he hated the feeling of a wounded ego, he hated the sight of a wounded Err… not as much, but still.
“Ah…” Ignignokt struggled to think of what to say next. The way Err’s busted lip quivered made him forget whatever insult he could’ve finished the man off with.
“Excuse of a WHAT, huh??” Err shot back, “Go ahead, man, TELL ME!!!!”
Dirt crunched under Err’s shoes. No words followed.
“TELL ME!!!!” Err thrashed in Ignignokt’s grip, “TELL ME RIGHT NOW OR I’M BITING YOUR STUPID FACE OFF!!!!!!!!”
Ignignokt breathed heavily. Again, no words followed.
…
Err laughed.
It sounded like a wheeze, and maybe it really was one before Err mangled it into the shape of a laugh. Ignignokt could feel the force in Err’s ribs.
“Come onnn, man, SAY SOMETHIN’!!!” Err’s red and yellow smile stretched across his face, “You gonna make me carry all the weight again??? Huh??? Why’d you stop, huh??? Thought of some- some big plannn to turn our dumb lives around??? JUST GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!”
“Err…” Ignignokt said, “Let’s… let’s stop this, for the night… I–It’s late…”
Err’s face fell, before twisting into a snarl as all the rage surged back into his body, “NO!!!!! NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!! I’M NOT DONE!!!!!!!!!!”
“Err-”
“YOU DON’T CARE THAT IT’S LATE, YOU’RE JUST TIRED OF FEELING LIKE SHIT!!!!!!” Err retorted, thrashing as best as he could given the position. None of it seemed like an attempt to hit Ignignokt, though. At most, it would make good audition material for an exorcism role, “YOU DON’T CARE!!!!! YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING, YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME!!!!!!! YOU’RE THE- GODDD YOU’RE THE WORST!!!!!!!!”
Ignignokt’s eyebrows shot up.
“I HATE YOU, I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!” Err screamed at Ignignokt, “I HATE YOU, I HATE THIS STUPID CITY, I HATE THIS STUPID SHITTY PLANET!!!!!”
Ignignokt found himself requiring less strength to restrain Err as tears formed in the smaller man’s eyes.
“I HATE- I-I hate … !!” Err sniffled, “I hate me, man…!! I hate my life!!! I hate it I hate it I hate EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING SUCKS!!!! AND YOU!!!!! YOU’RE…” His sobs grew stronger. He struggled to tone them down enough just to choke out:
“Fuck man, you’re… you’re… everything… ”
Ignignokt stared in awe at Err. For the first time, he truly paid attention to Err as he cried.
“Why…” Err continued, “Why are you… everything? You are, though… Ugh, no, I mean…” Err’s face hardened up a bit, similar to his usual expression, “...”
Ignignokt broke the silence, deciding to fill in the gap.
“You’re everything to me too, Err,” Ignignokt breathed, looking down longingly at Err.
The moon couldn’t hear his words, but it knew them to be true.
Err met Ignignokt’s gaze, a newfound watery softness in them as well.
“Nokt…” Err’s voice was softer too, but his voice had the same natural grit it always did.
They stared at each other like that for who knew how long. Unmoving, save for their rising and falling chests.
After a while, Err frowned. Not in anger like before, but… sadness.
“Man… is that even a good thing?” He asked, “Bein’ our everythings?”
Ignignokt felt his chest ache.
“I…” He didn’t know to lie, and he didn’t know how to be honest, “... I don’t know, Err… maybe..?”
No ‘maybe yes’, nor ‘maybe no’. Just ‘maybe’.
“... Yeah…” Err replied, expression now unreadable, “... maybe.”
There was one more question that hung between them; unspoken as they stayed where they were. Cold, as their body heat evaporated into the witching-hour air:
“What now?”
Neither of them had an answer. There was no good answer they could believe, and no bad answer that they could accept.
Ignignokt sat back, no longer blocking Err’s view of the night sky above them. He decided to stare up at it as well. Err still couldn’t move his legs from under Ignignokt, but he didn’t bother trying to anyways. There were no winners. It wasn’t a draw, but rather a mutual loss, and neither of them bothered to act like sore losers.
Ignignokt tasted iron on his upper lip, trickling red from his nose. He sighed tiredly, closing his eyes and staggering up off the ground. He walked to the back of the car, glancing back at Err with his hands on the trunk door.
Err was still staring up at the sky, arms and legs sprawled out while he appeared to be lost in thought. If Err felt Ignignokt’s eyes on him, he made no reaction to them.
Ignignokt opened the trunk, a few empty beer bottles clinking together before mutely falling into the dirt. He crawled inside, kicking his shoes off before flopping down on the mattress. He couldn’t be bothered to change out of his current clothes; he had nothing warmer to wear, anyways.
He left the trunk door open, curling up as he did his best to ignore the cold wind nipping at his skin. He stared at the inner walls of the van as he laid on his side, only letting himself take up half of the full-sized mattress. Arm tucked under his head, he finally closed his tired eyes, but sleep still felt too far away. He lacked the means to measure the amount of time that passed as he lay alone.
Ignignokt heard the sound of footsteps drag outside. He felt a dip in the van as Err, he knew it was Err, climbed inside. The van door slammed shut, the two of them cloaked in further darkness; not that he would’ve been able to see Err’s face anyways. The only movement left in the air was Err’s.
Ignignokt heard Err kick his shoes off and crawl onto the mattress as well. Ignignokt held his breath as he felt the mattress dip, and Err’s back press against his own. He exhaled softly, neither of them saying a word.
They laid together, the thick silence and the darkness being the only two things they had to blanket them for the rest of the night.
Outside of their van, off in the distance, the city stood tall. The moon, nothing but milky whites, stared down at the dirty, dazzling collection of concrete pillars the mooninites had sworn they would conquer in its name.
At this rate, they were never getting out of here.