Chapter Text
“Man, two show days kill me,” I say to Ben as I unlock the door to our hotel room.
“Are you sure you’re not just getting sick, because I feel better than I do after most two show days? Stage door was really fun actually, and it was super sweet of that fansie to make us dressing room decorations that have our names on them,” Ben replied.
I plop down on my bed and before I know it, Ben is lying on top of me. He couldn’t have plopped onto his side of the bed; no, that would make too much sense. I give Ben a quick peck on the nose, hoping that he would get off me if he got what he wanted, but instead he complains: “Come oonnn Josh, I’m not getting off until I get a proper kiss.”
I realize that giving him a peck in the first place was a mistake, because he’s never going to be satisfied at this time of night, and all I want to do is go to bed. Instead we start to make out. Before long it starts to get louder and the clothes start to come off. Suddenly I hear a pounding on the wall above my head. I pull away and ask Ben if he heard the noise. Before he had time to answer I hear Andrew Wilson screaming: “Put a cork in it boys, I’m trying to sleep! These walls are paper thin!”
“Exactly! Josh and I had to listen to you and Mike going at it last night! Consider this payback for what we heard last night!” Ben exclaims through the wall. He climbs off me all the same. He either lost the energy or is actually going to respect Andrew and Mike’s request.
I shout over, “Next stop, we need to plan this out. Do it on the same nights. That way we can each be loud and the other room won’t notice.”
“Now there’s a smart plan. No way it came from a kid with such rotten brains!” Mike Ryan jokingly calls through the wall.
While this was happening, Ben grabbed his cute plaid pajamas bottoms and his shower stuff, and hopped in the bathroom to shower. Dammit, I think to myself, I wanted to beat him. Ben takes the longest showers, and I still really wanted to head to bed. Fortunately for me, he is out in no time; or at least what feels like nothing because I was catching up on social media, and checking Instagram for stage door pictures. I get in and out of the shower quickly, and then cuddle up next to him in bed.
“BEEP! BEEP! BEEEP!” my alarm screams at me. I nudge Ben awake, but he muffles, “Stop,” into the covers. I know that getting him up is going to be a pain, so I let him sleep while I pack all my stuff. After our second show today we are driving overnight to Las Vegas. I’m excited for that, but I’m sure everybody that’s legal is more excited. Ben can’t even gamble yet. Man he’s so young I think to myself. I manage to get Ben up and moving. We pop in to grab coffee on our way to the theater. After the first show, Ben disappears after stage door so I join up with the rest of the crew to hang out; not like I don’t see them every day anyways, but still. I find DeMarius, Zach and Jordan playing xbox with Chaz, Nick Masson, and David Guzman watching. I decide to stay and watch for a bit. I check out where everybody else in the room is and find only Sky sitting on his phone, and Ethan and John Michael, our Les’, playing with baby Wren.
Curious, I nudge David with my elbow and ask, “Where is everybody?”
“By everybody, you really only want to know where Benji is. Am I right?” he singsongs as he nudges me back.
I look down blushing, but respond, “Yeah.”
“Yeah, I figured. You guys are perfect together and inseparable. He walked on stage, looking for a quiet place. I think his mom called.”
“Ok. Thanks Guz.”
I give Ben ten more minutes to talk on the phone before I go searching for him. I walk on stage and see him sitting on the top level of the middle tower with his legs hanging off. I get almost to him before I hear him crying. I run up the rest of the way, sit down next to him, and squish him in a big hug. This only makes him cry harder. I pull away and let him calm himself down enough to talk. I rub circles in his back as he gains control of his breathing
Eventually, with an incredibly raspy and under different circumstances sexy voice, he says, “Emma just died.” I breaks down crying again as soon as he speaks.
I take a minute to process this information, but I can’t. Ben and Emma were super close twins. I loved Emma too. Whenever she and Ben would facetime, I would spend just as much time talking to her as Ben did. I give Ben another hug and we sit there and cry for the longest time. Eventually, Sky walks on stage and calls up to us that it’s time for fight call. I unwrap myself from Ben and climb down without him. He has gone into zombie mode and didn’t even react to me leaving. Once I get to the bottom of the tower, I tell Sky what has happened and he runs off to ensure that Stephen Hernandez is ready to go on for Ben. I find some of our backstage team and tell them that I am taking Ben back to the hotel, but that I will be back.
At this point, I am not thinking whatsoever, but I move through the dreamlike state I am in and get Ben off of the towers. Sky helps because he is the only one that I told the whole story too. I refuse to leave Ben’s side, but I know I’m not exactly helping Sky get Ben back to the hotel. Once we get Ben outside to the sidewalk it isn’t so bad as long as I keep walking. He has two arms around my waist and is shuffling his feet forward slowly.
We make it back to the hotel room, I unlock it, and he collapses on the bed crying again. I give him a kiss on the way out and then shut the door, planning on heading back for the second show.
Sky ambushes me outside the hotel room. He places a hand on each of my shoulders and asks, “Josh, are you okay?”
“Yeah. Fine”
He looks frustrated with me and says, “We both know you’re lying. I know that Emma was important to you too. And seeing Ben like this can’t be easy on you. Nobody is going to make you perform tonight.”
“Seriously Sky, I will survive one show,” I respond, lying through my teeth. I know that I’m not in the right mind to perform tonight but I feel like I have to. Not because I’m afraid of disappointing Ben or the fans or the cast, but because if I can perform tonight it means that my life can go on. I will be maintaining some sense of normalcy. I know the next week is going to be incredibly hectic and I still want to feel in control.
Sky agrees to disagree with my decision and I perform but I was only able to because I know this show in and out. I dance by completely relying on my muscle memory. Everybody notices that something is off, but nobody asks. Sky must’ve warned them to leave me alone. I should thank him later; he’s been a great friend today.
A couple fans at the stage door ask where Ben is and I tell them that we wasn’t feeling well after the matinee. I feel bad about not telling them the truth, but I technically didn’t lie. I rush myself through stage door. I am eager to get back to see Ben. I know that the faster I get back, the more time I get to see him before the bus leaves for Vegas.
I walk into the hotel room, expecting to see Ben, but instead I find a room void of his stuff. I check my phone for the first time since intermission and see a text from Ben
“I caught a taxi to the airport. I’m going home. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay to say goodbye to you, but I think it is better that I didn’t. With all that is going on I need to focus less on us and more on my family. They need me and I need them. I will talk to you soon.”
The tears start dripping on my phone before I realize that I’m even crying. I board the bus still crying. Everybody respects the unspoken headphone rule, so nobody tries to talk to me. I grab a seat, lean my head against the window and blast music to keep me from thinking about all of this, including Ben’s text. Did he mean that we are breaking up? Or did he, understandably, just want space while he’s dealing with the grief of Emma’s death?
Eventually fatigue falls over me and sleep for the duration of the trip. Once we get to Vegas, we get five hours to get settled and explore while the crew sets up the stage. During this time I unpack in my room. Luckily, we won’t have the same issue between me and Ben, and Mike and Andrew; not only because Ben isn’t here but also because they are down the hall a ways from us. By us, I mean me for now. After spending an hour unpacking and being lazy on my phone, I fall asleep again. I too emotionally drained to deal with life right now.
I wake up to Sky pounding on the door saying that we’ve got to go. I let him in but tell him, “I called in sick and can’t do the show tonight. Thanks for waking me up, dickwad.”
“Josh, get over yourself. Your boyfriend’s sister died. Sucks, but not your problem. Ben left. Now tell the rest of the cast what happened and get back to performing.”
“You don’t understand Sky. Emma wasn’t only Ben’s twin; she was also practically my sister too. I’m not just upset about that. Ben didn’t say goodbye. He just left. And in his text to me, he made it sound like we were over,” I shoot back, my voice crescendoing as I go.
Sky suddenly became very interested in memorizing the floor. “I’m sorry Josh. I didn’t know.”
I feel bad now that he’s sorry. I mad at him over nothing, and Sky is my brother after all, “I’m sorry too. You didn’t know why I was upset. I didn’t have the right to get mad at you.”
“It’s fine,” Sky responds, “but you should talk to the company about this. We are all here for you.”
I wrap Sky into a hug; happy to have someone that cares.
During the show, I attempt to call Ben. We’ve never gone this long without talking to each other, and certainly never with something this major going on. He didn’t answer. In order to keep from going insane, I resolve to think that things are too crazy at his house with Emma’s death. I can’t let my mind wander to the thoughts that we’re through and that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. We haven’t officially broken up so I am holding on to that strand of hope.
My conversation with Sky and lack thereof with Ben was the push I needed to get back into the swing of life after the worst day of my life. By now, the end of our second day in Vegas, everybody in the cast knows about why Ben left. The majority of them don’t know what is going on between me and Ben. I only told Sky, DMC, and Nick. I also perform for the rest of the shows in Vegas. Next we are going to Texas, I think. I haven’t exactly talked to Ben; there’s just been short texts between us. Whatever is going to happen when he comes back, I know that I will be alright in the long run with my brothers in the cast behind me.