Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Charlie’s trying very hard to ignore the pit forming in his stomach as the familiar clickety-clack of the Tube rocks him from right to left like the swell of some angry, exotic waters. He’s managed to keep it together the whole afternoon, but the reality is catching up with him now that the day is coming to a close. Charlie’s flying to France tomorrow for a five-month internship, and his best friends are staying in the small but cosy flat they’ve all been sharing since they left school and moved to London together. In other words, Charlie will end up alone in a country he doesn’t know after spending the last four years seeing his best friends daily. He will work with colleagues who speak a language he doesn’t understand, buy groceries in shops he’s never heard of and go out with people who don’t know his favourite drink. All of this, in less than forty-eight hours’ time.

Charlie can’t help but think this is going to be shit.

He knows he’s being a little dramatic, but all of the day drinking he’s done isn’t helping with rationality. Of course, Charlie doesn’t always feel this way. He was thrilled when the production company of his dreams came back to him with an internship offer - it’s just a bit hard to feel excited when moving to France means missing out on months of outings and movie nights with Tao, Elle and Isaac.

Charlie always knew Tao would end up working in film, but it wasn’t until his second year of university that he realised he also wanted to. He was studying classics when he got roped into a creative writing workshop, where he wrote his first short film screenplay. He should have guessed that being friends with an insufferable cinephile for years on end would have dire repercussions on his life…

Two years later, Charlie can’t see himself giving up on this new-found passion. To his anxious mother’s dismay, he’s taking a screenwriting course, hence the fancy internship, granted to him by a friend of a production teacher who was impressed by his budgeting skills. He isn’t sure what will come of it - he doesn’t want to work in France long term, after all - but it is important to take any work experience that he can get at this stage in his career.

So, while Charlie has rarely felt this nervous before, he can’t deny that he also feels a great deal of pride and excitement at the prospect of the next few months. If only he didn’t have to leave his friends behind in the process…

“What’s the British thing that you’ll miss the most when you’re in France, do you think?” Isaac suddenly asks, pulling Charlie out of his alcohol-induced and melancholy-fuelled torpor.

Isaac's standing in front of him, holding to the metal bar above Charlie's seat and doing a far better job at keeping his balance than Tao is, although Charlie suspects his best friend might be overdoing his wonkiness to make Elle laugh. Charlie has to crane his neck to look Isaac in the eye, but it’s clear even from here that his expression is tinged with gloominess.

Charlie’s not the only one feeling sentimental, it would seem. He knows he shouldn’t revel in his friends’ sadness, but it’s kind of nice to see that he isn’t the only one feeling down about their imminent separation.

Before Charlie can answer Isaac’s question, Tao lets out an inelegant snort. “Besides Nick Nelson, you mean?”

Tao didn’t get the memo about the “sadness” bit, apparently.

“Oh, shut up!” Charlie groans, throwing his head back against the glass window.

“Don’t tell me to shut up, you fake fan!” Tao gasps, making Elle giggle drunkenly next to Charlie.

Nick Nelson is probably the trendiest up-and-coming actor of his generation, as well as Charlie’s biggest-ever celebrity crush; not that he’s ever admitted that out loud. Charlie’s obsession with Nick began around the time he started writing screenplays, and now, more often than not, he imagines the strawberry-blonde man as the main character of his stories. Charlie can’t help it: Nick's gut-wrenching performances light a fire in him, and picturing his characters as this honey-eyed deity of a man makes it easier to care for them deeply.

Nick’s talent and appearance aren’t the only reasons for Charlie’s fascination. As it turns out, Nick Nelson is soft-spoken, kind-hearted, queer, and only a few months older than Charlie. According to his interviews, he also lives in London and shares Charlie’s idea of a perfect Saturday night: curled up on the couch with his family dog, reading a book or watching a silly movie. Charlie wants to curse the world for creating this perfect person, his absolute dream boyfriend, only to make him one of the biggest superstars in the country. Even if they met at a bar or the supermarket, Charlie would never have a chance, and that is a fucking depressing thought to have.

“I never should have told you about him in the first place, I’m tired of you bringing him up ten times a day!” Charlie complains, avoiding Tao’s gaze by staring at his own reflection in the opposite window.

Tao sniggers. “That’s rich, coming from someone who can’t have a single conversation without mentioning his name!”

Charlie’s eyes fly to Isaac’s in search of some support, but he only finds gleeful amusement there.

“I don’t bring him up that much!!” Charlie huffs, crossing his arms and throwing himself back against his backrest.

Charlie does think about Nick a lot - he constantly dreams about the asterism of freckles adorning his adorable button nose, but then again, Charlie’s always loved astronomy - however, he’s normally careful about not voicing his thoughts aloud.

“Are you kidding? You literally cannot shut up about him!” Tao squawks, before taking an eager tone of voice to mimic Charlie’s. “Did you know that Nick was in the last Wes Anderson movie? Will you wait at the stage door with me if I manage to grab tickets for Nick’s next play? I couldn’t sleep last night so I listened to Nick’s audiobook, his sexy voice helps me fall asleep…”

“I never said his voice was sexy, I said it was calming!” Charlie squeaks, revolted. Thank god, Londoners are too self-absorbed to listen in to their conversation. Yes, Charlie listens to Nick’s voice to soothe him to sleep - what of it? It’s not Charlie’s fault that Nick played a romantic poet in a movie once, and a few tracks of him reciting poetry have found their way into Charlie’s relaxing playlist after they helped him calm down from several panic attacks.

“His voice is sexy, though, I’ll give you that…” Elle pipes up from Charlie’s left.

“So you admit it!” Tao insists. “You do talk about him!”

“Perhaps I do a bit, but you exaggerate! Besides, how would you feel if I brought up the amount of staring you do whenever you see Florence Pugh in a movie? How starry-eyed you get whenever you see a picture of her in the street?”

“Well, I don’t blame him, Florence is a queen,” Elle nods with a smile.

“She truly is…” Isaac sighs.

“No need to change the subject, Charles, we’re all perfectly aware of your crush on Nick Nelson, no need to deny it.”

“It’s not a crush!! He's just… comforting, I guess. I always feel better after watching something with him in it.” Charlie realises how this sounds a second too late, as he sees Tao’s smirk and Isaac’s eyebrows shooting up comically high. God, he can’t win. “Ugh, don't look at me like that, that wasn’t an innuendo…”

“Who knows,” Isaac starts with a cheeky smile, “maybe you’ll run into him while in Cannes… You’re both going to the film festival, right? Perhaps you’ll crash into each other on the red carpet and your photocopies will fly around you - now this would be romantic!”

“Why would I be carrying photocopies on the red carpet, Isaac?” Charlie asks tiredly, half-amused and half-exasperated about his friend’s antics.

“You’ll feel sparks as your hands reach for your stuff at the same time,” Isaac continues dreamily, ignoring Charlie’s quip, “and when your eyes finally meet, you’ll both fall in love instantly. You’re in for a proper meet-cute, Charlie!”

“Ha, ha. He’s not even in France right now, he just did a premiere in London,” Charlie grumbles. He’s starting to feel his heartbeat pounding in his head, and the fluttering he usually gets in his stomach at the thought of Nick speaking French is replaced by a much more uncomfortable feeling. He probably shouldn’t have had that last sex on the beach before riding the underground.

“You’re awfully aware of his comings and goings for someone who doesn’t have a crush…” Elle whispers with a smile, before linking her arm with Charlie’s and dropping her head onto his left shoulder.

“Did you know he follows several Nick Nelson updates accounts on Twitter?” Tao asks Isaac. “He’s even got the notifications on, I’ve seen them pop on his lock screen!”

“Shut up!!” Charlie exclaims, his voice louder than he expected it to be. His brain is hurting, and although he knows his friends’ teasing is all in good spirits, he’s tired of being shamed for his crushes. He’s had quite a bit too much of that throughout his teenage years, thank you very much.

“For the last time, I don’t have a crush on Nick Nelson! But if I did happen to think he has the personality of an angel and the body of a god, then what would be so wrong about that? He’s the coolest celebrity I’ve ever seen - nothing like the weirdos you idolise, Tao! I don’t care if Tarantino makes good movies, he’s a fucking creep!”

“Hm, Charlie?” Tao tries to interrupt. There’s a nervous edge to his voice, but Charlie doesn’t notice. Now that he’s started talking, he doesn’t know how to stop.

“Plus, Nick’s a queer icon - do you know a lot of celebrities who are our age, who are that hot and who like men? Because I don’t! And I know what you all think - no, I don’t only like him because he’s fit! I admire his mind as well!”

“Charlie, I really think you should -” Tao rushes out urgently, but Charlie cuts him off again.

“No, Tao, you asked for this, so now you’re gonna let me finish!”

Tao’s eyes are wide with panic and he keeps looking over his shoulder, towards the other end of the carriage. Charlie’s eyes remain fixated on his shoes. Maybe it’s because of the alcohol in his system, but he’s glad to get it all out. He’s never spoken this freely about Nick Nelson and that’s a topic he happens to be quite passionate about; which is why he’s unable to stop his next words from falling out of his mouth before it’s too late: “Seriously, I don’t think you realise how fucking lucky we are to have him; he’s been advocating for queer rights for years - hell, he’s even managed to change laws in certain parts of the country! So you know what? Yes, maybe I have a tiny bit of a crush on him - okay, scratch that, I have a gigantic crush on him, but that’s okay, I’m allowed to because we’ll never even meet; so rest assured, Tao, I’m not at risk of making a fool of myself by declaring my love to him.”

“Charlie, I swear -”

“For the love of god, WHAT, Tao?!” Charlie explodes, jerking his head up to look at his friends for the first time since he started his tirade.

The first thing Charlie sees is Isaac’s delighted face. His eyes are wide with mirth, and Charlie isn’t sure he’s ever seen him look happier in their entire ten years of friendship.

The second thing Charlie sees when the crowd disperses and his friends take a step to the side is honey eyes, sunny hair and a night sky of starry freckles on rosy cheeks.

The man standing before him is the physical representation of all his dreams and deepest desires.

Nick Nelson.

Nicholas fucking Nelson, in the flesh, is leaning against the door opposite Charlie. He’s stupidly attractive in his smart trousers and white shirt rolled up at the sleeves, and Charlie hates that even in his state of shock, his mouth goes dry at the sight of the veins running on Nick’s freckled forearms. Charlie’s spent the last two years thirsting over him through the screen of every device he owns, and now, Nick is here, less than ten feet away from him. He’s awfully close, really, which means he’s probably heard every word of Charlie’s passionate monologue, including the part where he confessed his undying love for him.

Charlie’s heart stops beating altogether. Within a second, it’s dropping to the pit of his stomach, faster than a heavy stone sinking in the deep waters of regrets.

Charlie’s never been more mortified in his entire life. Yet, he can’t look away. Nick is like a shooting star or a supermoon - he commands attention effortlessly. Charlie doesn’t understand how he hasn’t noticed him there until now.

Shockingly, Nick doesn’t seem angry, or embarrassed. In fact, he almost looks shy. He’s looking down, at first, but his blush is obvious, and he’s biting back a giddy smile. Charlie must be hallucinating, because there is no way this is really happening.

Then, Nick slowly lifts his gaze. He does it slowly as if he’s unveiling a masterpiece, and when they meet eyes, Charlie immediately forgets how to breathe. He’s looking into a soul that calls his name; his ears ring with the silent song of home. Nothing else matters anymore.

After that, Nick does the unthinkable - his beautiful, swoon-worthy lopsided smile widens, his eyes crinkle with unabashed glee, and he has the audacity to wink at Charlie. Poor, smitten Charlie, with his weak heart and his ruddy cheeks, gasps at the sight. This seems to spur Nick into action. He uses his sinfully muscular arms to propel himself from the door he was leaning on and for a moment, Charlie’s convinced Nick is coming over. The thought is equally as thrilling as it is nerve-wracking. Before Nick can reach his target, though, a young woman Charlie hadn’t noticed before grabs his arm and pulls him towards the opening doors.

Fuck. Of course, gorgeous Nick Nelson has a girlfriend.

Curiously, Nick doesn’t break Charlie’s gaze once as he lets himself be dragged away and Charlie watches, transfixed, as Nick exits the carriage in a backwards walk just so he can keep looking at Charlie. Charlie has to stretch his neck to keep staring at him over his shoulder, but it’s absolutely worth it when he sees Nick waving sweetly at him from the platform. The blonde looks almost dazed, but when the train starts up again, his face clears and his mouth sets into a determined smirk. With his eyes boring into Charlie’s, Nick brings the tip of his fingers to his mouth, places a kiss there and, just before the Tube disappears in a tunnel, tips his hand towards him in a silent kiss.

When Charlie finally sags against his seat, he feels like he’s just run a marathon. The last thirty seconds may have simultaneously been the most incredible and the most excruciating of Charlie’s entire life.

Maybe moving to another country isn’t such a bad idea, after all.

🚇✈️🚇✈️🚇✈️🚇✈️

Charlie’s stomach is in knots. Even the prospect of a fifteen-hour train journey seems more enjoyable than a two-hour flight right now. The plane wasn’t his idea, but he could hardly complain when his internship supervisor had been kind enough to book him a business seat - even if Ryanair is far from being a luxury airline, Charlie appreciates the gesture. Still, he historically hates feeling out of control, so being trapped in a steel box that glides in the air is his personal definition of hell. He knows the facts and the statistics, knows he’s more likely to be killed by a mosquito than in a plane crash, and yet, he’s still scared, and he’s horrified to feel the beginning of an anxiety attack brewing under his skin.

His backrest is a bit bigger than normal, so Charlie can’t turn around to look at the rows behind him, but he can hear more and more people filling in the seats, and he knows he’ll have to calm himself down quickly if he doesn’t want to miss the safety guidelines later. Charlie takes a shaky breath and fishes his phone from his pocket in search of a distraction.

A notification from one of his favourite Twitter accounts awaits him there.

Charlie blushes as he catches himself caressing the side of his phone and staring at Nick's face longingly. Their interaction yesterday afternoon was disastrous (could it even be called an “interaction” when they didn't even exchange words, except for the mortifying declaration of love that Charlie didn’t mean for Nick to hear?). Charlie would have thought that the permanent ink of his embarrassment would forever sully his parasocial relationship with Nick, and yet… Now more than ever, Charlie feels soothed by the solar sight of Nick's smile. He remembers the way his cheeks darkened when he heard Charlie complimenting him, and the warmth in his eyes as he blew a kiss to him. Suddenly, Charlie’s pounding heart starts racing for another reason entirely.

The flight attendant announces that the take-off is imminent and asks them to put their phones on airplane mode, so Charlie obliges and puts the device away. He leans back and closes his eyes, trying to quell the overwhelming anxiety threatening to take over by doing some breathing exercises. He's trying to be as quiet as possible, not wanting to draw his seatmate’s attention to him, but thankfully, he has a window seat, and the man to his left is wearing headphones anyway. Charlie decides to follow his lead and pulls his phone out of his pocket again. Hopefully, Nick's poems will work their magic on his reeling mind.

How funny that Nick is taking a plane right now, as well. Charlie wonders where he's flying to. It's a ridiculous thought, but he wishes he could be sitting next to him so that he could hold his hand. Would he even let him? If his persona is faithful to what he’s like in real life, Nick is one of the kindest people Charlie knows, so he would probably do it, if only out of pity.

After a few minutes, the engine starts and the plane begins to shake violently. Charlie’s stomach churns with nerves, and it becomes clear that even Nick’s voice won’t be enough to calm him down. Charlie's eyes fly open and he stifles a sob as he fingers the pulse on his neck, desperately trying to regulate his breathing so that the rest of his body can stop feeling like he's seconds away from dying.

Then, Charlie feels something nudging his right elbow.

It is a hand, holding a note.