Work Text:
While Keiji works day and night, whether he's at the company or at home, out and about making a living for himself, you are unable to land a single job. And oh, would it be a dream if that was your only concern. On top of that what that meant for you was that you were stuck at home with your parents who fought with each other day in, day out. Not the kind of bickering that couples and parents do, but the kind where it gets ugly and loud, stuff being thrown around and slamming doors, and tears in locked rooms.
You remember the night you yelled at your parents to get a fucking divorce already! in the heat of the moment in the middle of their screams. The house had gone quiet for the night at least but the very next day they were back at it again. If your dad wasn't home, your mom would sit around and cry. Maybe it made you a bad person for wanting to escape that place rather than support her but you couldn't stay.
That's how you found yourself spending most of your days at Keiji's place. Your friend since high school. He enjoyed the company in his lonely little apartment while you enjoyed the peace and quiet his home offered and neither of you thought it was weird when one day he gave you his second key. In case you needed a quiet place and he wasn't there to open the door for you, that's what he told you as you gratefully took the key from his hands, barely holding back tears.
Keiji wasn't sure when he fell for you. It certainly couldn't have been when you were still high school students in the same year. But as you two grew through the years, side by side, at some point he started noticing how there seemed to be a whole new light around you. You were the same person you always were yet at some point everything about you suddenly was so new to him. So when did he fall for you? He'd racked his brain about this question several sleepless nights with no clear answer. Was it when you had told him so casually about how you'd gotten back into contact with an old classmate and that you had a date with him a few months ago and he realized how much it stung his heart to picture you with someone who wasn't him? Or maybe it was when he found himself buying double the amount of instant ramen than he usually did because he knew you'd be around and oh, how he loved seeing your face light up when you saw your favorite flavor in his pantry as if you'd found a treasure of gold. The way your eyes lit up before him was enough to melt the stress of his day away.
"Keiji, do you mind if I take one of these? You have so many," you'd said while pointing at one of the many cups of instant ramen stacked in his pantry, unaware that the reason there were so many in first place was because he'd gotten them specifically for you.
"Sure," he'd casually shrugged it off like it was no big deal to him meanwhile his heart was doing a happy satisfied little dance. He loved being the reason you smiled so brightly. He loved taking a break from his work to sit down on his kitchen floor with you and eat those unhealthy cup noodles with you.
But now you're not sitting on his kitchen floor, telling him a terrible dad joke you found online and watching him roll his eyes but still let out an amused huff. Instead you're in his bedroom and sitting on his bed, back against the wall with your knees pulled up and tears streaming down your bitter face.
"Why would anyone do such a thing?" You complain. Keiji glances sideways at you from his chair, his expression concentrated or frustrated, you can't tell. You just feel bad. And you didn't mean to make him listen to your relationship problems but he noticed that something was off not even a minute after you walked through his door and when he wouldn't let it go your emotions got the best of you.
"Sorry," you sniff for probably the hundreds time tonight. He is turned with his back to you again, writing something on his desk. The sound of his scribbling pen accompanies your sniffs and the rain against his bedroom window in the quiet room. Then a clicking cound comes from his pen before he turns his chair to face you.
"Maybe he's scared of intimacy," he says plainly, looking into your eyes.
"What?" You lift your head a little to meet his gaze, not sure if he's trying to console you or if he's talking shit.
"You know," he thinks for a moment. "You said he asked you on several dates, was always flirty and even got you gifts but the second you ask him about the whole couple stuff he packs his things and runs. Sounds like he's scared of commitment."
His words run through your mind for a moment. It makes sense and it should make you feel better you think but instead it just makes you feel worse.
"That's a shitty reason to use someone," you mumble through your tears, your head hanging low again.
"It is.. I'm sorry."
"So he never cared about me.. He just had his stupid fun and enjoyed the attention. What an asshole." Keiji looks at you with slightly furrowed brows. There's nothing he wants to do more than to wipe your tears away and make you smile again. Instead he sits there on his chair, feeling helpless and useless. And the fact that it's because of some guy that you're in the state you're in right now, only adds fuel to his frustration.
"Quite the bastard," he replies quietly. If it was him you'd fallen for, he thinks to himself, he'd make sure you always knew that you were his favorite time of everyday and his sleepless nights and tiresome work hours all felt bearable at just the thought of your name. He'd make sure you knew where you stood in his heart and mind and soul. But it wasn't him. And if a friend was all you saw in him, that he would be for you for the rest of his life. As long as he was allowed to share this little time you'd been granted on earth next to you, he would do just that, even if as just a friend.
"Gosh, I feel sick and ashamed," you admit, tearing him apart from his thoughts. You wipe your tears but they keep falling anyway.
"You didn't do anything wrong," he reassures you and you don't dare look at him, sinking your head completely into your knees.
"How is letting myself get used not wrong? I'm ashamed I ever liked someone like that AND let him use me like an idiot."
The words you say leave a bitter feeling in his body and he can't tell if he wants to grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you or punch this guy in the face or bash his own head against a wall. He settles for letting out a sharp exhale. It's all he can do it seems.
"Hey," he gets your attention, his voice coming out a bit stern despite his effort to keep his calm. He stands up and walks over to sit down next to you on the bed. "It's still not your fault. You liked someone and tried your luck with it. It's not your fault he couldn't see how amazing you are. It's also not your fault he's got commitment issues. And it's also not your fault he chose to use you, knowing damn well what he was doing and lying to your face about liking you. None of that says anything about your worth. The guy's obviously got issues."
Your tears slowly dry up as he speaks. Should you be grateful of pissed? You know he means well with his words but they somehow still feel like salt in your wound. You also know he's probably right but that doesn't change the fact that you just do feel ashamed. How could you not? The ever so cautious you. The always doubting people's true intentions you. Just how could you have fallen for something like this? You slightly tilt up your head, revealing your red eyes and nose to him.
"Wow, thanks.. that was-" you start with a slight bitterness in your tone.
"But you know I'm right," he cuts to word, noticing that his words probably didn't have the comforting effect he intended them to have. He massages his temple, then runs his fingers through his hair. "Forget about him."
"I'm trying, ok?" Your voice comes out a bit sharp, surprising the both of you. You sigh, closing your eyes and leaning your head against the wall behind you. The lump in yout throat feels terribly difficult to swallow, you just want to throw it up. "It's not so easy y'know.."
He lets out a sigh as well and barely holds himself back from reaching out to wipe the tears off of your face and trace your cheek with his thumb. But you are too caught up in your own inner turmoil of emotions to notice how he's holding back and how the way he's looking at you is far from the gaze of a friend.