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Ivan looked at Till, at the flower crown he received. What could he do if not destroy it? But... he wanted it, vehemently. He wanted to wear it. He wanted to take that crown and use it forever because that little object was the first gift he received in his life. It was the first thing Till gave him.
He didn’t know if he wanted to cry or laugh. He took the crown in his hands with care, like it was the most precious thing he could possess, then looked at Till and smiled, a sad bittersweet thing, because even if he wanted the crown of flowers, he knew that he was going to be seen all the time. Something in him itched at the knowledge of being watched. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want Till to be watched all the time either.
He didn’t notice the softness on Till gaze, the little red on his cheeks and the way his smile started to appear in the most loving and soft thing he could ever have witness. But Ivan didn’t see and that only cemented the chaos about to come.
What was the best course of action? Ivan asked himself. What could he do to prevent those prying eyes over him? Over Till? He didn’t know if he wanted to cry or fight. He didn’t know what to do.
What was the best thing a human could do in this situation? The problem was Ivan didn’t consider himself human: he lacked the softness and the warmth humas were capable of feeling, of giving. He was a little feral beast locked up in the form of a little boy. He, most of the time, wanted to destroy what was given to him, because he didn’t know what kindness was. He didn’t know what to do with a gift given to him purely by the want to give something.
He was a mess. His emotions were a mess. He wanted to lash out and so he did, because he was nothing but a feral thing uncapable of feeling warmth.
He didn’t know, then, that his actions were about to cost him the loving gaze of someone capable of loving him. He didn’t know, before the chaos, that he was going to break the softness in the only person capable of making feel something other than emptiness.
He took the crown and the softness in his touch disappeared, he threw the object to the ground and then stomped on it, multiple times, wanting to destroy the cameras, wanting to avoid the gaze of something more predatory than him. Wanting to free Till of those consuming eyes waiting to harvest them.
He didn’t know, then, that there was no escape for them. They were condemned, since the very beginning, to being watched like nothing more but pets.
The softness on Till gazed disappeared, the flush in his cheeks became angry, his eyes were flooded with devastated tears and his little but gentle smile transformed into an angry sneer. Ivan watched Till expression, and he didn’t know if something within him broke or not.
But he received his god aggression like it was the only thing Ivan knew. And it’s true.
Ivan only knew pain and he was going to receive it because it came from Till. And everything he gave him was precious, even if it hurt. Especially when it hurts because by then, the little feral thing Ivan was, knew nothing more than that.
At the end of the day, after the fight was over. After both boys were chastised by their actions and Till was consoled by Mizi, with his warmth and soft self, Ivan went to Till’s room, like always, wanting to be with him.
Wanting to be consumed by his light.
He approached slowly, then he lay down by his side.
“Why did you do that?” asked Till, with a tiny sob in his voice. With a little quiver that Ivan didn’t know how to process, didn’t know how to soothe. “I wanted to give it to you. I thought you liked it.”
“I liked it.” Ivan said, softly, in a whisper. “But… Till…” he didn’t know how to explain. Would Till believe him? Would Till trust his words now? He doubted it but tried anyway. “Those flores are cameras.”
Till scoffed and something in Ivan twisted painfully.
“It’s just a flower crown, Ivan.” Till scrubbed his face painfully. And Ivan wanted to stop him. “If you didn’t want it, you could just have said so.”
“No, Till. Those are…” Ivan didn’t know if continue, Till turned around, turning his back against him. “cameras.”
And then Ivan knew that his sun was never going to look in his direction anymore, even if Till accepted his feral nature, his gaze was never going to grace him, he knew, right then, that Till wasn't going to forgive him.
And the void, that night, consumed Ivan a little bit more.