Chapter Text
The sun was setting when Buck finally finished the deep clean of his kitchen. Tommy had called earlier to ask if he can come over and Buck was filling the time until dinner. That was when he heard the knock on the door.
“Hey ...” Buck said before leaning forward for a quick kiss.
“Hey.” Tommy said handing him the take out bags. “I come bearing food and news.”
“News? Good I hope?” Buck said with a voice that he wished was not as anxious as he felt.
The past few months with Tommy had been great so far. Sure they were still getting to know each other and Buck still didn’t feel like saying the “L” word yet. But in the meantime he was comfortable and he was having fun. Which was why he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and Tommy’s words had set him on edge.
“Let’s say it’s not bad news.” Tommy said with a fleeting smile.
Well that did not reassure Buck at all.
“Okay shoot!” He said while sitting down on the chair behind the counter.
He started opening up the Take out bags just to have something to do with his hands.
“Okay here it goes.” Tommy said before taking a deep breath and sitting on the chair across from Buck. “Some month ago I had applied to this two-year program GI Bill Flight training program. They’re the best in the country.”
“Okay and? ”
“ I got in. It’s starting in ten days. ”
“Well That’s great! Congratulations…” Buck Released the breath he didn’t know he was holding.
“It’s in Florida” Tommy said quietly.
There it was. Buck liked to think that all his paranoia had prepared him for the actual moment when things go to shit. But nothing could have prepared him for the chasm that opened up in his heart.
“Oh.” That was all he could say keeping his eyes on the can of Soda in his hand.
But Tommy, the always sweet and gentle Tommy grabbed his forearm.
“Buck, Babe please look at me. I… I know you really like LA but come with me. You can put in a transfer and just…”
At this Buck had to look at him. Just to see if he was serious. And He could just what? Leave his job, his friends, family, the life he had carved for himself?
“Tommy, I ..It’s for two years.” He said instead.
“I know, I..” Tommy Faltered. For the first time during their relationship he looked uncertain. “I know I’m asking for so much. But I really Like you and I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose you.”
Then don’t Go… Buck stopped himself from saying out loud. He had promised himself that he would never beg for people to not leave him anymore. He would stop clinging to people who wanted to leave. When He woke from his Coma dream, he’d said that he’s going to live for himself.
So Buck didn’t say If you don’t to lose me then don’t…But Tommy heard it all the same.
“Look Just think about it. I know you had said that You used to travel all around some years ago.” Tommy said with imploring eyes and his tight grip on Buck’s forearm. “It could be just like that except you’ll still be a firefighter. And we’d be together.” He finished with a whisper.
“That was before.” Buck said with a raspy voice. “ That was before I found the 118. Before Maddie came back. Before I knew Eddie and Christopher. Before…”
“That’s It, isn’t it?” Tommy said taking his hand off of Buck’s. “You can’t leave your family but also you can’t leave Eddie.”
“What are you even talking about?” Buck said having found his voice.
Tommy snorted before standing up from his chair.
The anger that was simmering under Buck’s skin was getting more difficult to ignore. The Tommy that he knew didn’t snort at him, he wouldn’t mock him. It was like a veil had been lifted and he was seeing another side of him. Or seeing the same side without the rose colored goggles.Honeymoon phase over. The bitter voice said in Buck’s head.
“I should’ve known better than to get involved.” Tommy said looking directly at Buck.
“What… you’re just realizing that I wasn’t worth your time?” Buck said with a hallow voice.
It was like all his deep dark fears wear being recited loudly to him. That he wasn’t worth knowing… worth loving… worth staying for. The person who Buck thought he could one day Love was proving them all to him.
It must’ve shown in his face since Tommy’s features softened.
“That’s not what I meant...just look me in the eye and tell me if Eddie came over and asked you to move to another state, you would turn him down too.”
And Buck opened his mouth to tell him just that but the words would not come up. He was many things but never someone who would lie about something like this. In that moment looking at the man he had been dating for months, he knew that if Eddie Diaz asked him to go with them, he’d be packing his bags.
“Thought so.” Tommy said with the saddest look in his eyes. “I never should’ve gotten involved. Not because you weren’t worth it because God… Evan…”
Tommy reached out with his hand and held his face. Buck felt something shatter in his heart at the gesture. The tears he had been holding back were falling freely on Tommy’s thumb.
“I really wanted this to work. but I guess you weren’t mine to lose.” Tommy hesitated like he was debating whether or not to keep talking. “And the worst part of it is that he won’t love you like I could’ve. He’s just going to keep breaking your heart.”
Buck was frozen in place. Nothing made sense. The world was blurry on the edges. Tommy didn’t say anything else just leaned forward to drop the barest hint of kiss to his forehead.
“Goodbye Buck.”
And then He was out of the door. The loft. Buck’s life.
He barely dragged himself to the couch before falling apart.
****
Eddie made his way through Buck’s hallway with two takeaway coffees in hand. He was trying really hard not to let the worry eat away at him. Buck was probably just fine and he had slept all through his texts since early last night and today. But it was 10:30 already and Eddie couldn’t help but get two coffees as an excuse to check up on him; Instead of calling him for the second time and being all Hey I haven’t heard from you for more than twelve hours and I’m freaking out.
That probably wouldn’t be what normal best friends do. But Eddie had been caring less and less lately to whether his actions regarding Buck was considered normal. Realizing you’re in love with your best friend does that to you.
He opted to knock instead of using his keys at first. He had to at least pretend to respect some boundaries just in case Tommy was over and that was why Buck hadn’t had a chance to reply to his texts. That they were just so busy since last evening and all through the night.
That scenario made Eddie taste something sour at the back of his throat but he still preferred that to the probability that Buck was in a bloody heap on the floor next to a beeping phone.
When Eddie’s third knock was unanswered he couldn’t stand it anymore so. He barged in with his own set of keys.
“Buck?” He said to the eerie silence of the loft. He set the coffee cups on the island. There wasn’t anyone in the kitchen, only a few uneaten take out bags on the table. That alone was to make Eddie even more anxious. Buck never left food out of the fridge overnight.
“Buck!” He said near frantic now turning around to face the living room couch. And there he was.
Under a rumpled throw blanket, Buck blinked his eyes open like Eddie had just disturbed his dream.
“Eddie?” He said with a raspy voice.
Eddie tried very hard to swallow his worry and fear from a few seconds ago. He walked closer and took in the man before him. From under the blanket only his blood shot eyes were visible.
“Hey” He said hoping that his voice at least sounded normal. “Are you okay? Why are you sleeping on the couch?”
Buck didn’t answer immediately just sat up very slowly dropping his legs to the floor. But only this simple act seemed to take too much from him since he squinted before lowering his head to drop it between his palms.
“Buck” Eddie whispered sitting on the coffee table. He was holding back from grabbing Buck’s arms so he could get a good look at his face. At least Buck didn’t look to be in any immediate medical emergency.
“Tommy asked me to go to Florida with him.”
The world seemed to vanish from under Eddie. He took a sharp breath and swayed back. So this was how he’d lose Buck. And here he was thinking that He’d already lost him to Tommy once. That he was too late on figuring out his own shit and another man had already taken Buck’s heart. But He never thought he’d lose Buck to another state too.
Sure They would try to stay in touch at first but they would grow apart. Long distance relationships never work. It was right that they weren’t in a relationship but the logic still applied. His heart broke another time as soon as he remembered. Christopher was going to be devastated.
Eddie felt like a man that was told he doesn’t have long to live. Suddenly he was feeling frantic to use time they had left together.
“When are you leaving?” He managed to say.
At last Buck raised his head to look at Eddie with teary eyes.
“He’s leaving in a few days.” Buck said with an odd tone. “I told him no.”
Eddie released the breath he didn’t know he was holding. Maybe he had a second chance.
“Okay..” Eddie said after a swallow. “Not that I’m complaining but why? I thought you were getting serious?”
“I couldn’t Eddie. I can’t leave my family.” Buck said incredulously. “I’m never the one that does the leaving. But that also means that I’m always the one that gets left behind.”
Fresh tears wet Buck’s cheeks and Eddie couldn’t hold back any more. He lept forward to gather him in the arms.
“Hey hey … listen to me. Of course you couldn’t leave… you’ve made a life for yourself here. It’s not fair of him to ask you to leave it just like that.”
Buck sobbed harder against his chest; grabbing the fabric of his shirt. All Eddie could do was to tighten his hold.
“Hey I’m here.” Eddie said desperately. “I know It doesn’t make up for all the ones who have left you but I’m HERE. And I’m never going to leave you.”
“Maybe you should.” Buck said with a broken voice. “I’m a mess.”
Like there was a chance in the whole world Eddie would.
“You’re not. Even if you were, it wouldn’t matter.” He said.
Buck only sniffed and pulled back to look at him with bloodshot eyes. Like he couldn’t believe his ears.
“Thank you.” He said.
“Any time.” Eddie said with a smile. “Come on I got you coffee it’ll get cold. Let me make something for you to eat too.”
Eddie was just happy to be able to do anything to make Buck feel better. He didn’t want to think too deeply on the implication of what Tommy had done. Eddie wouldn’t begrudge him for trying but if he’d known Buck at all, he’d never think that Evan Buckley would leave Los Angeles and his life willingly.
***
Buck spent the next couple of hours slowly stitching himself back together enough to be able to work with a clearer head. Eddie had bullied him into eating a full breakfast before taking a shower. When Buck came back downstairs feeling better than he had all night, He found the evidence of his breakdown and abandoned dinner cleaned up.
Gratefulness filled his heart. Eddie had come over, kept Buck from spiraling even deeper and taken care of his mess. All without Buck even asking.
“Thank you, man” He said when he reached Eddie who was sitting on the kitchen island chair. “I don’t even know how to thank you.”
“Don’t.” Eddie said easily. “Nothing you haven’t already done for me tenfold. Now come on let’s get to work.”
***
Their shift started off like always. Buck wasn’t in the mood of sharing the News with everyone just yet and Eddie followed his suit in acting like every other day. And soon enough the ring bell for their first call and they all piled up in the engine.
“Buckley, seems like you didn’t get enough sleep” Chimney said with a smirk. “Tommy keeping you up all night?”
Buck shook himself out of the stupor. Ever since last night there was a constant ache in his throat which didn’t go away even with all the crying. He knew it would be sooner or later that he’d have to tell people but Chimney’s quip was not how he wanted to tell them.
“Come on Chim let’s not go there, shall we?” Eddie said, coming to his rescue like he had done this morning.
“Ah Edmundo are your ears too innocent to hear about all the night-time activities?” Chim said still with the same upbeat voice.
HeDoesn’tKnowHeDoesn’tKnow HeDoesn’tKnowHeDoesn’tKnowHeDoesn’tKnow
Buck kept telling himself. His brother-in-law wasn’t being intentionally cruel. He was just starting one of their normal banters. If it was any other day, Buck would be joining in and traumatizing them all with the details of how Tommy had kept him up all night. But now he was just feeling sick.
Eddie didn’t look much better next to him. His white knuckled hand on his knee and thin lips made him seem like he was in pain.
“Come on Chim. Eddie’s right.” Bobby said gently but firm enough that his tone left no place for discussion and Buck was grateful for it.
Buck appreciated Eddie being distraught on his behalf but there was no need. Buck would tell his friends after the call when they were back at the station and they would all be supportive and kind towards him. But still the black cloud of “I’m gonna die alone” didn’t leave the background of his mind.
He had been trying to stay optimistic all these years when his relationships eventually ended one way or another. He thought that one day he’d find The One. But it was getting really difficult to keep the hope.
Eddie bumped his knee against his and when Buck looked up at him, he was met with a pair of raised eyebrows. He didn’t say anything but the question was still clear.
Buck smiled and mouthed “I’m fine.” And then he said loudly: “ So Cap, where are we headed? ”
“We have two hikers that took a detour from a trail in Griffin park and got stuck.” Bobby explained to them. “One of them has fallen a cliff and injured his leg. The other has tried to climb down to help him up but got stuck himself and called 911. Dispatch says they both seem stable but they’re stuck and need medical attention.”
When they pulled up to the location, they all climbed out of the engine. Buck took in the view. The sun shining through the sparse clouds casting comfortable shadows for walking outdoors for hours. The ground where they were standing was firm but Buck could feel the unusual humidity. It was a beautiful day for a hike which seemed to be mocking Buck’s miserable state.
“They’re about half a mile up this trail. This is the furthest we can go with the trucks” Bobby said. “Now grab your tools for a rope rescue. Now, it has rained yesterday so the ground is not the most reliable. be careful where you step. Let’s go!”
Buck shouldered his bag and fell into step with Eddie. Their shoulders brushed while they half walk and half jog the distance to the location Bobby was leading them to.
They stumbled to a stop when they heard Hen and Chim’s shout from behind. They turned around and saw Ravi being held back from the edge of the trail by Hen’s arm around his elbow.
“Are you okay?” Bobby shouted.
“Sorry the ground gave away from under me.” Ravi said panting.
“okay guys stay away from the edges. We’re the help here.” Bobby said before turning back around to continue the path.
Buck eyed the edge of the path more worriedly and followed him. Before long they arrived at the point where the location from Dispatch had sent to them. The ground was disturbed near the edge.
When they took a look down the mountain they could see the hikers sitting in a small clearing about fifty feet below.
“Hello, LAFD up here.” Chimney shouted down the edge. “We’re here to help you get back home. But first tell me are any of you injured?”
“Oh my god! Please get us out of here!” One of the hikers shouted back. “My friend’s leg looks weird and he’s in pain.”
“Okay Buck, Eddie, Ravi you’re on rope rescue. Hen, Chim that clearing over there is a good spot for setting up your equipment for when they bring up the patient. I’m gonna call in for air rescue as a precaution.”
Buck started to fix the straps of his harness while Eddie inspected the surrounding to secure the Winch. He set up the equipment some feet away from the ledge and hammered down the nails.
“Good enough?” Buck asked.
“Yeah looks like. You won’t come up right above them but here the ground is more solid.” Eddie said. “Ravi I need you to spot the tail, just to be sure. Buck Let me doublecheck your harness.”
Buck turned to him right before Eddie started tugging and testing the straps on his equipment. Buck relaxed by the familiar routine. He always felt better about any rescue knowing that Eddie was there to have his back just like they had said they would all those years ago. But now it wasn’t even just on the job. Eddie had his back every day of the week even when other people in his life disappointed him.
“Okay all good to Go!” He said with a smile.
“Go get ‘em Buck.” Bobby said with a pat on his shoulder.
Buck nodded and started his descent from the edge. The journey was getting slowed since he had to move around the roots and rocks that were bulging out. Eddie lowered him little by little with a concentrated face above.
Buck was keeping an eye out of the victims to his below and when he still had about 20 feet above the victims, everything went wrong.
***
“Go get ‘em Buck.” Bobby said with a pat on Buck’s shoulder and walked towards where Hen and Chimney were setting up shop.
Buck started to climb down the Cliffside. Eddie crouched next to the edge with one hand on Buck’s line the other on the equipment while his eye was on the man himself. Buck would have to go straight down and climb some feet to the right to be able to reach the victims and have a sure footing.
Eddie had considered starting the line right above the victims but the ground seemed softer there.
Buck was half way down when everything went to hell. The line went taught on the winch for a split second and then it stopped supporting the weight all together, loosening rapidly.
“NO” He shouted while he grabbed the rope that was holding Buck’s precious life. He barely registered the surrounding shouts while he struggled to hold on to the 250 pounds of weight at the end of the rope on a precarious edge.
“BUCK” He couldn’t help calling out. He didn’t know how far had buck fallen before Eddie had managed to stop his descent.
Buck didn’t answer back but he registered Ravi holding on to the rest of the rope behind Eddie. That made him feel better instantly so much that he risked wrapping the rope around his forearm to hold on more securely. He could feel his muscles screaming.
“Buck!” Bobby said with a barely hidden panic. “There was a failure on the winch but Eddie and Ravi have got your line now. Talk to me.”
Bobby was crouched on the side of the edge looking down but talking into his radio at the same time.
If Eddie was not saving his every breath for his strength, he would ask Bobby what he could see. But then their radios came alive with Buck’s voice.
“I’m… I’m Okay. I think I hit my shoulder on something while I was falling but all good considering…”
“Okay Kid.” Bobby let out a breathy chuckle. “Just hang on we’ll figure out how to get you back up.”
Just when Bobby stood back up, Eddie felt his feet dig in deeper in the ground. He glanced at his feet and felt his heart drop for the second time that day.
“Eddie, Ravi you need to MOVE!” Hen screamed seeming to have reached the same conclusion as him.
But before they could do anything bigger cracks appeared under his feet and there was only one thought when Eddie himself felt the full force of Earth’s gravitational pull.
Buck….