Work Text:
2036
First Record
Paris, France
I was naive and stupid. When I became the Prime Minister in January, I was completely misled into thinking I could do something, at least for a while. When everyone applauded, he was the only one who looked at me from the stage and didn't smile. I should have been alerted then... But then Macron met me. He told me that I had to lead the European election and that if there was another incident where the leader of the party mispronounced the names on the stage, the consequences would be disastrous. It had been two years since I broke up with him, but the thought of his dyslexia still made me...
Silence.
What would it make you, Gabriel? The counsellor asked gently.
I just can't help but want to answer everything... Every time I think of him, it ignites my feelings of love. I want to protect him, and this emotion is the most ironic part. Now recalling these things brings unbearable pain.
Last week, I visited an elementary school, and a child in the class told me he also had a reading disability. At that moment, I couldn't help but feel my heart soften...
The president shook his head as if realizing he was getting off-topic.
Anyway, I wanted to protect him. This ex-husband of mine, people said he was exiled to Brussels because of me, while I was making my way up, and it makes me feel bad.
You sound guilty.
At least, it felt this way. I was willing to break the PACS, I could do anything, anything to help his career. But seeing how quickly he accepted it made me feel uneasy. It was as if ...... Our relationship is nothing compared to his future.
I can understand that.
So naturally, when he returned from the European Parliament, I nominated him as the Minister of Foreign Affairs. The foolish sense of indebtedness took over. Thinking he might fight Bardella in fatigue, I thought, I should do it instead. Macron went further, asking me to take Hayer's place in the debate with Bardella, even though I was already overwhelmed by my duties... I hadn't slept a wink. I worked into the early hours of the morning as prime minister. On top of that I had to work overtime to prepare for the debate, and then I was asked to take on an idiot who couldn't keep track of the data. Then you know what happened- I was criticized by feminists for overstepping my bounds.
A cold smile appeared at the corner of Attal’s mouth.
Interestingly, around the same time, I received message from my ex-husband, after all these two years. He had organized everything I could possibly need, all the detailed examples and data, because he had a lot of experience in the European Parliament and knew what would help me. I was so surprised and happy that I couldn't help sharing this with my advisor Fanny, forgetting that he was supposed to do the whole thing. I thought it was a sign that our relationship was warming up. It was... but the beginning of an elaborate scheme to make me politically expendable. My poignancy back then, it was laughable.
Can you tell me exactly what happened at the time?
Well, we were hanging out a lot for electioneering and my ex-husband started inviting me to have sex. I thought we were back together, and I was in a kind of euphoric state. After June 9th, he was still affectionate to me, just so I could bear the hardship of leading the legislative election without any complaint. He convinced me that he was on my side, a lie that stopped when he left for Europe. The next year, I ran for mayor of Béziers, abandoning the 2027 presidential election.
It sounds like you felt used and then abandoned.
That is common and usual for politicians, of course. He will never be on my side, I'm sure of that. I'm sure of it, as you can see from his activities in Europe with Macron afterwards. President Macron loathed me, and my ex-husband... he looked on with a cold eye at what our former boss was doing to me. I had to leave the heart of power for a while. He had already gone to Europe to renegotiate the merger of the parties, after which they carried out a series of reforms... You may have heard of them.
Your boss at the time seems to be a scar between you.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't think there was a third person between the two of us. The point is Sejourne, he is the one who is causing all the problems.
All right, Gabriel ....... We're coming to the end of our session. So, what do you want me to help you with?
A long silence.
I'm going to drop out of the re-election.
The president said in a hoarse voice.
I know this sounds crazy, but I'm... maybe it's just another one of those habitual bitchy things that have been going on for a long time. Maybe I shouldn't consume my time in this great honour and emptiness, I should, I should...
I should go and get him back.
Silence.
Out of the Principle of Deferring Major Decisions, especially with the future of the country at stake- Mr. President, I think we should tidy it further, and be clearer about what you really want.
And what happened between you two.
Madrid, Spain
Oh, I assure you, he is a very vindictive man.
Sejourne laughed softly.
From the very beginning, our relationship has been full of turbulent under the surface of a calming sea. We anticipated this from the beginning and drew up a few principles for each other, naively trying to protect our love from politics- or, rather, stab each other in the back while ensuring mutual understanding. To hide and betray in one affair while helping each other in another. But things got complicated when our friends, our political allies, were brought into the picture.
It started with a very ordinary party election. Sacha and his friends supported another friend of theirs, not Gabriel. He had gotten close to them. Gabi was trying very hard to fit in. He was very likeable. We hung out. We had barbecues. We went to cocktail parties. We talked about politics. So, when he found out that they voted for someone else, he got very angry and didn't speak to them for days. Pierre made fun of him privately as “Puffy Gaby”, but they didn't take it seriously at the time. Then... Then came the infighting.
The man sighed. His Spanish became more muffled.
My former boss liked to play the game of making his men fight for power so that no one would have the energy to covet his position. At the time, the enemies of the Poitiers gang wanted to elect Gabriel, and naturally, Gabi wouldn't give up this opportunity.
So, they said he "killed his partner" politically?
The counsellor asked.
It was a difficult time. For our love, for our friendship. Then I gave Macron a copy of the plan for Europe, which described what we have accomplished today.
What does Mr. Attal think of your political divergences?
When I went to Europe, we were on our honeymoon, you could say. We could only see each other a few times a week thanks to my boss, who had no sense of boundaries, who took up too much of my time. I think Gabriel had a problem with him, but he didn't have much to complain about at the time. After all, he ascended so quickly. We agreed that the differences in political allies and factions would not affect our relationship. That period of time was an era I missed and treasure the most. And then there was the epidemic, and the quarantine. We spent all day together, crazily having s- uh,watching movies.
You are dodging the question, Stephane.
I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say this.
The man slumped his shoulders and began to sob.
The counsellor waited quietly for a moment.
I often wondered if he was what Sasha said- A spoiled child, self-centred, who felt that the world had to give way to his ambitions. Sasha put it this way: Gabi feels that all the relationships he tries to build has to serve his political purposes. That's why he doesn't have many friends: He doesn't see the values in the ones he doesn't make.
Do you think He was with you because you were useful?
No. I feel sorry for him every time this kind of thinking pops up. I think about the time I spent with him, and how often those scenes appeared in my early morning dreams. He was so cute and young and lively, like a carefree puppy with matted fur. Instead of what he looks like on TV, which is the only way I can see him now. Whenever I see him, I think he's gotten everything he wanted.
Have you kept in touch with him over the years? Considering the status of both of you...
We do not have any personal relationships anymore.
Tell me about your first breakup.
In 2022, he broke up with me, and I didn't want to lose him after all those compromises and concessions. I had a big fight with him and I was so angry that I blocked his Instagram. Then Macron was re-elected and he brought up the plan again. He said he needed me at home. The dissolution of PACS naturally, reasonably took place.
Did you say ‘compromises and concessions’?
I'm sorry, it's ridiculous. I tried my best to compartmentalise our private relationships and politics, but at the end I still felt compelled. This reflects how immature I was as a politician at the time.
How did he behave after your breakup?
Sejourne had a puzzled look on his face.
Although he was the one who asked me to break up with him ...... he kept having sex with me after the breakup. I was back as a political adviser to the president, so we were both in Paris, uh... we had to meet each other pretty often. Especially after I joined the government.
Did he ask you to have sex with him?
Sometimes... Yes, yes. I didn’t understand why. Given our status at the time, it would have been dangerous to date casually, so we had to find someone we knew to relieve our sex life.
And then you mentioned that you had got back together again. After becoming Prime Minister and Foreign Minister.
Uh-huh.
Can you tell me what happened then?
Well, we were campaigning for Valerie Hayer together, and we saw each other more often. He was tired. He smoked more. I felt sorry for him and wanted to help him as much as I could. If he kept smoking like that, his lungs will turn into sieves. So let's just say I'm meddling - he gets sick of not smoking, and he started chewing on me. Sometimes it was in the stairwell after the electioneering meeting, sometimes it's during Matignon's debriefing. But seeing how stressed and uncomfortable he was, I softened up and spoiled him to allow something to happen... And we got together again, in a haphazard way.
Were you still together after the dissolution of Parliament?
Yes. He can be very rough at times, as if he was angry with me, but in fact, I only found out about the dissolution of the National Assembly in May because I was completely excluded from the group of advisers who were proposing it at the time. We signed a strict confidentiality agreement, so he shouldn't be angry with me for that.
You're aggrieved.
Of course, I am... Now seeing him on the news sometimes with an e-cigarette in his hand, I can’t help but get angry.
Sejourne’s eyes were moist.
And due of my relationship with him, Macron no longer trusted me with domestic affairs. He put me in charge of the plan in Europe. He couldn't stand the idea of being separated again and accused me of abandoning him instead of staying at home to help him ....... Does his ambition matter while mine does not?
Then you broke up, and you've been broken up ever since.
That's right.
Now that you've been re-elected twice as the president of the group, Stephane, and yet you're still haunted by this old relationship, and you've come to me for help. How can I help you?
I'd like to... I thought... Maybe I could stop working on the European project and not run for another term. Everything's working out fine. They don't always need me. I could retire.
Does this have anything to do with what you just described?
I think...
Silence.
I could go to him.
Second Record
Paris, France
Have you had sex since then?
Silence.
And then there was... Last year. We met in a hotel during the European summit last year.
Was that the moment when you'd like to get back together with him?
I don't know. The truth is, I think about him all the time. During the elections, I had to cross my fingers to hide that I was touching my left ring finger. But maybe that's not because of him either... It simply reassures me.
If you had to describe your life without him in a few words, how would you describe it?
I think... Lively and empty.
Do you still love him?
The president nodded.
In fact, I think about him all the time. When I see a minister's assistant in a meeting who looks like him when he was young, I have lapse for a moment. I collect all the press clippings with his picture on them, but I don't know where to hide them. In Elysee, I feel like I have no place to hide. It sounded so silly, but I hid them in my childhood attic.
Let's talk about the people who said you killed your partner politically.
Oh, you don't get it. Those people are full of shit. It was all fair game... He's getting back at me.
How so?
He resented me for fighting for power but not caring enough about his friends. He made a big deal out of it even though he didn't show it at the time. I was foolish enough to believe that our love was stronger than gold and would not be disturbed by anything- Then he got back at me in 2024, and I could tell that by his swiftness when he agreed to depacse that he had been plotting to leave me for a long time. I won't believe a word this liar says anymore.
It's paradoxical. You still love this liar and want him back.
I don't think it's a contradiction. I just want to focus on the present and the future. It's not the past that matters, it's what we can do right now.
Gabriel, you can't fool me with these voter-convincing jargon.
The counsellor whispered.
And indeed, the past is so important that it shapes our present and our future.
The pain of your past- it is also part of your love.
Madrid, Spain
I lied to you last time. I was hiding something.
If you are willing to talk, I will listen carefully.
It was 2018... He was a depute and he wanted to run for president of the group. We were still the majority, you know. There were two other contesters, and my friends were supporting the another contestant.
That's what you told me last time.
Yes, but I hid part of it because I felt guilty, and I still do. Gabriel was unexpectedly popular, and he was probably going to make it. The two other contestants felt threatened. They spread the word in Parliament about his homosexuality and his personal relationship with me, the President's political advisor, and implied that he would rise to power through some kind of privilege. A depute threatened us to reveal our relationship to my parents... They had not passed away at the time and could not accept that they had a gay son. He told Gabriel that if he didn't drop out of the race, he would expose the relationship. Gaby was hurt, but he refused to drop out. He said to me that it was time for my parents to know about the relationship.
How did you feel at the time?
I was... I felt guilty and angry.
Did you feel guilty about him and angry at the depute?
No, both emotions were directed at Gabriel. Of course, I felt guilty that my friends were supporting his competitors and that our enemies were using our relationship to threaten him. We were together, and I had felt guilty from the beginning because my family could not accept him the way his family accepted me, and I had to go home alone on Christmas. But I thought, at the time, that he'd rather let the threat come true...
Than take a step back. Maybe subconsciously, you'd like to think that you were his weakness, but clearly he didn’t want that.
Indeed.
Did he give you the impression that he was ‘pursuing power regardless of the price’?
I wouldn't have thought so. But...
Sejourne took a deep breath.
Elysée and Matignon intervened, persuading Gabriel to drop out of the race, and appointed him into the government two weeks later. It was a compensation package that made a lot of eyes red at the time. So, you see, I shouldn't feel guilty. But damn it... Six years later, when Gabriel tried to run for president of group again against the wish of his boss, I supported him.
Because you always feel guilty about what happened six years ago.
Silence.
You’re right. But I'm also guilty. It's a thorn in my heart. I was in the middle of these two opposing feelings, like a dichotomy of fire and ice. In the end, the guilt got the better of me - because I wanted to get rid of this inexplicable guilt, and then I could take out my anger on him.
It's normal. There is a saying that “Love is a constant debt.” Have you ever heard him express regret?
Silence.
Sejourne shook his head.
I think it's because I'm useless to him.
Third Record
Paris, France
In our conversations, you've been portraying yourself as a victim, Gabriel. Your crush is meanwhile portrayed as a liar, a vindictive politician, an indifferent bystander - or co-conspirator - when you were bullied by your boss. Would you like to revise that image?
Attal had a surprised look on his face.
No... I've never criticized my ex-husband to you, I've always criticized Macron, haven't I? He said I was “all about me”, as if he was not all about him... He was good, Stéphane, you couldn't have found a gentler, more compromising man, we all liked him, and he helped me very well at the time, I mean, after the dissolution of the National Assembly...
You're lying, Gabriel.
It's all Macron's fault. He put the idea of leaving me into Stéphane's head...
And yet, two weeks ago, you told me that there was no third person in your relationship.
Silence.
Attal curled up and covered his face with his hands. When he removed his hands, his eyes reddened, but he shrugged and smiled.
Oh, you have to ...... Do you have to make me tell the truth.
You have to unravel that defence mechanism called “Macron” to see the real truth of your separation. Since the former president has retired from politics to be with his elderly wife, he's no longer an obstacle to you being together.
The president was silent for a moment, then straightened up again.
Stephane sacrificed a lot in his relationship with me. Our beautiful romance - at least from the beginning - was lovely, dazzling, radiant, as if nothing could stop us from loving each other until the end of our lives. But from the moment we signed that cursed PACS, a shadow floated over it. Soon, in less than a year, it came. Depute of my own party threatened me with this relationship, and I had my eye on a job of which I was certain I could get it. I was outraged. Did being homosexual mean I didn't deserve to compete? - It was 2018, just five years after the legalisation of same-sex marriage. Members of the parliament whispered, and the voices grew only louder. When I came to work, I was mocked and ridiculed in every way. Just because I didn't agree to withdraw from the race at first, they said I was ambitious, insatiable for power, and didn't know any better- Why should they be able to run legitimately and I not? In the end, I compromised, yet the effects lasted even after I entered the government when I was subjected to workplace bullying. They accused me of being too much in the limelight. I had to ask my boss at the time to let me out a lot- Sometimes I just didn't want to be in the room anymore.
Do you resent him for that?
No, I can't even remember his name now-
I said Stéphane.
No, of course not! I'm thankful for his sweet presence at the time, he was my only safe haven when I was harmed politically. He comforted me, he cared for me, he guided me... And he was the one who sacrificed more between the two of us. He kept a low profile for the sake of my career. They said he never sought power for himself, but it wasn't true, because at that time, as partners, it would have been too... too much for both of us to be in power.
And then, after June 9, 2024, you realized that this safe haven was no longer safe.
Silence.
You felt betrayed?
I guess I was in no position to ask him to do anything.
And why is that? Shouldn't you resent him for being “the only safe haven for you when you're politically hurt”, as you say he is, and now you're politically hurt because of him? On your first two visits, you did just that.
A healthy relationship should not be sustained at the expense of one person. And... I think I chose to make myself the victim.
What do you mean?
He didn't necessarily use me on purpose. In fact, even if he used me, then so what? I've been using him all along. I accuse him of lying to me, of abandoning me, because... It was to my advantage.
His eyes reddened again, and this time tears streamed down his face.
So I deceived myself and others. I told myself that Macron had made him leave me so that I could protect my shattered pride and hid the fact that he had left me of his own accord. And he left me because ...... I'm not worthy of love.
Please don't judge yourself so abruptly.
I feel regretful... I think I must have done something wrong to disappoint him. I was so caught up in my anger and disappointment, the fear of thwarting my ambitions, and my confusion that I completely ignored his feelings.
Now that you know this, you're brave enough to face the truth you were unwilling to face. Can you imagine how he feels about you now?
I don't know... I'm afraid to think about it. He probably still hates me. All this time I've been pretending to hate him so that I can desperately avoid thinking about the fact that he hates me ...... You're right, what a wonderful defence mechanism, layer upon layer!
Silence.
Maybe he doesn't necessarily hate me anymore, he's moved on. He isn’t stuck in the past as narcissistically as I am. With so many people loving him, he's probably got a new partner... Oh, my God... Damn...
Attal groaned in pain.
I don't think I'll be needing an appointment next week.
Is it because of the Bastille Day parade, Mr. President?
Yes and no.
I think it's because I know what I really want.
Madrid, Spain
One thing I'm curious about is how you felt when you heard that your ex-husband was about to be stripped of his newly attained prime ministerial position?
I was desperate to defend myself. Dissolution had long been one of the options... But I had thought about anyone sitting on that position while it took place, but not him. In my little dialogue of self-defence, it would be good for him... His political career would be over if he was thoroughly tied to Macron.
I'm asking how you feel.
I... I thought about how shocked he would be, how lost he would be, how hard it would be to accept. But I chose to block off those imaginations because... It was so bad back in 2022 after the re-election, that was when I proposed the dissolution of parliament as an option. But when he became prime minister, I began to play deaf to my own proposal two years ago. So another group of advisers went over my head and convinced Macron to take this course of action. I supported my employer.
In other words, you feel sorry for him, and that's been the case since 2018.
Sejourne smiled bitterly.
You summed it up well. It seems like I thought I was doing him a favour by choosing the path I thought was best for him.
The counsellor said softly.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Stéphane. It wasn’t up to you.
If he were in front of you right now, what would you want to say to him?
Oh, it's too late. He must have a new boyfriend. They say he spent half his meetings staring at a pretty young male assistant.
He burst into tears.
The counsellor is slow to ask.
Who're "they"?
Newspapers.
Do you always read the newspapers about him?
I always follow the national news.
The French news doesn't cover this kind of gossip.
Sorry, I- well, you got to know, I won’t possibly not leave any ears and eyes in the government.
Which means you are still spying on him 12 years after you broke up. What other lies have you told me, Stephane?
The date when I learnt of dissolution wasn’t May- Sorry.
Sejourne spaced out for a moment. Then, as if he felt that the lies were pathetic, he resumed his whimpering.
He had been criticized by the Parliament, ostracized by his colleagues and threatened by people in the party because of me... God, I should have thought how helpless he was. The days when he was isolated and coldly treated by Macron when he was excluded from all of the meetings... I should have thought that he was just trying to protect himself. But I didn't take his side, and I chose to do so without hesitation for the sake of our European program. People around me always remind me that he is a pragmatist thorough and thorough. They don't like him. They say he will do anything for power and to please the voters... But even if that's true, so what? There's nothing wrong with the pursuit of power. I love him, God, I love him...
He was silent for a while.
Before my visit, I booked a flight back to France the day after tomorrow.
The counsellor smiled and said.
It seems that you don't need me anymore.