Chapter Text
“I am the way into the city of woe,
I am the way into eternal pain,
I am the way to go among the lost.
Justice caused my high architect to move,
Divine omnipotence created me,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me there were no created things
But those that last forever—as do I.
Abandon all hope you who enter here.”
— Dante Alighieri, Inferno, Canto III.
Hell isn’t that bad.
Okay, that is a lie – but she always knew she’d end up here.
Hell is a place of choices – and your punishment is according to the choices you made, all in all, she was even given the choice of where to reside for eternity. You get used to it. Eventually. She got the rest of eternity to exist here. It’s deserved.
She doesn’t know how long she has been here – but she has grown numb to the violence, to the mockery of the harpies. To the people attempting and failing to climb out of it, at some point, you either mock them or pity them. There’s no purpose to it. There isn’t purpose for anything. She burns because she left the Girl in the cold.
(Perhaps that’s the worst punishment – names have meaning here, she cannot even think of it. She thought she’d perhaps see her once before coming here, but why would she?)
There’s even some comfort to it, knowing that the harpies will always remind her what she is. Gouging her eyes out and making her eat it, chasing her like an animal for the rest of eternity. Her heart was as cold as it always was.
Until the day she got the letter.
It had been delivered to her personally, there are not many people who have the privilege of going within the Hells – even the demons stay at their place of birth most of their life. They prefer to stay where they are rather than going down. Yet sometimes, certain creatures can travel through them. She names them Messengers, while other creatures can do you favors in exchange for something (tends to be humiliation). Messengers give you what they need to deliver, and they leave you alone.
They do not explain to Shauna the letter that she has gotten, residents of hell (mostly called wicked, Damned or Fallen. Used interchangably) rarely get correspondence. She doesn’t doubt the others are here, but she hasn’t seen them, and it’s not like she has an address to send postcards. Wish you were here! It almost makes her laugh. However, if it’s correspondence, it means opening in front of the other Fallen would be a mistake. They are not her friends, they are her fellow Fallen, and if they throw her under the bus for a second of peace, they will not doubt it and vice versa.
Yet she can sense the weight of this letter – so heavy she has to use both hands for it. The envelope under the envelope is unstained white, even the dirt, the blood, or the fire cannot accept it. She hides it. There is no rest for the wicked, but opens it quickly while others are being tortured, as she’s out of sight. The letter is so bright that almost blinds her, she has to hide it again.
She knows these initials.
She knows what this is.
She feels her metaphorical heart stop.
This is a letter from Heaven .
Shauna has heard from these, they are very rare, per nature.
Those who reside in heaven seldom think of those in Hell, while those in Hell can’t stop looking up. They hate and envy them. The Girl must be wicked — in the way only the holy can be, why do this, when Shauna's heart is in ashes? Does she want to goad that Shauna is here and she’s there and then kick her out?
Wouldn’t she — centuries, millennia, God knows how long it has been — technically be entitled to it?
Does she want her to hope? Does she know how hard the road is, if she accepts? She looks up, and there’s nothing but fire and screams. Another hell above it.
She hates what the Girl does to her — she wishes that she had never given her this letter, because now she has something Hell loathes.
Hope.
I
LIMBO
The trip to Heaven is not an easy one.
Between the Damned — those who attempt the trip and fail are the unluckiest ones. You have to start from limbo, then go all the way to the gates of Hell to tell the King of Hell to let you pass, then go to purgatory, then to Heaven. They mostly approve of the journey, because they know they’ll fail. Most people do. You see them wandering in a Hell that is not theirs, their mind completely gone. Despair makes them cough their eyes out, to enter into flames willingly. Some of them become demon food for eternity. The worst ones become half demons. Shunned by others and feared by the Damned.
She already became a demon while living, she’s not wasting this chance. If she gets kicked from Heaven after speaking to the Girl then she’ll gladly spend three millenia in Hell.
However, she needs someone to help her to make the trip as easy as possible.
There is a reason why names aren’t used in hell — names matter, they are a summon. They also bring power to the Damned. If you know a Demon’s name, they can bend to your will. The same applies to other residents of Hell.
“Misty.” She says out loud “Misty Quigley.”
She shows up, just as Shauna remembers her, with blonde hair and big glasses.
She doesn’t want to do this.
But she has seen Misty traveling through the Hells — she’s smart enough to be out of Shauna’s sight, considering Shauna was the last thing she saw. It had been a confession, about how she destroyed the localizator from the plane. Shauna had thought about the Girl — all bright and smiling and laughing in a football uniform, and her vision went red and her knife and hands were red with blood.
Misty is too annoying to be a resident of Hell, but she’s also not as cruel to be a full naturalized demon. She has annoyed her way into being moderately important, it seems. She even has dark wings, how much can they carry, she doesn’t know.
“Shauna!” Misty smiles “How are you?”
“Don’t ask stupid questions,” Shauna answers, and she shows her the letter. Misty’s eyes grow with curiosity.
“A Beatrician letter!” She says, as if Shauna doesn’t know “Did she send it?”
“Yes.” And it is not a fake — it comes from above, the only person who could fake it is the King of Hell. He got better things to do than to fuck with Shauna. Misty looks as if wanting Shauna to spell it out loud “I’m doing the road, you’re going to help me.”
She doesn’t have a choice, Shauna summoned her.
Though Misty would’ve probably helped her because she thinks they are friends. The weirdo.
“I’m the Virgil to your Dante!” Misty says, eyes bright “And Beatrice is Ja…”
Shauna grabs her by the neck digging her nails, furious. It will not kill Misty — because they already died. But that is one of the good perks of Hell, you can inflict as much pain as she wants. Sure, the same applies to her, but that doesn’t matter.
“ Do not say her name here, ” Shauna warns, names matter here. She will not come from Hell if they use her name, but it will be free food for the demons to torture Shauna with her memory if she does “Or I’ll fucking feed you to the King of Hell myself.”
Threats aside, Misty agreed to meet her in Limbo to start their journey.
She hasn’t been on Limbo since she died — you rarely leave Hell once you get condemned, but those who embark on the Journey may. For all Hell has, this is a place of choices. If you choose to embark on it, you’re more than free to.
And because they enjoy seeing you fall.
It’s a glorified waiting room — Shauna can see their anxiety in their faces. They are scared. Their destiny is in the air. Some people go straight to Heaven, but with some, they have to pull the balance between Good and Evil. It is not possible because they do not have a permanent body, but some of them are shaking. Shauna didn’t shake when she first arrived, she knew her fate.
“You were condemned a long time ago.” The former king, now judge of the souls, King Minos says. Shauna is surprised he remembers her. He laughs “I remember all the souls.”
Shauna looks up — even from the highest ceiling of Hell, she cannot see anything. Shauna wonders if he judged the Girl’s soul. She wonders if she was scared — scared because she died and because Shauna wasn’t with her. Some people go straight to Heaven. No judgment is needed. Hopefully, that was her fate.
“I have permission to go.” She shows him the letter, then puts a hand on Misty’s shoulder “She shall be my guide.”
Minos is not a demon — nor a friend, he’s just doing his job. He gives her a last look and says what she already knows.
“May your journey begin, the boat towards the first Hell departs soon. It’s all down from there.”
It almost sounds like good luck.
They sit on the boat with the rest of the weeping Damned, who claim it is a misunderstanding and an injustice. Words aren’t spoken between her and Misty. She’d rather have anyone else, but she doesn’t have anyone else. They’ll abandon Limbo soon. They’ll fall through the waterfall, and then arrive at the Second Circle.
Good luck, Shipman. I’m waiting for you.
She ignores it.
Demons exploit your vulnerability.
II
THE LUSTFUL
The second Hell is a never-ending orgy.
It is the home of incubus and succubus, of pain that overcomes the pleasure. The Damned here tend to merge onto one another in a grotesque sight, condemned to their vices for the rest of eternity. The ones that got it the worst will get picked as a playmate for the demons of this hell.
The smell is disgusting, and the moans are more like cries. It expands for eternity, heaven is as vast as earth, if not more.
“Never look back,” Misty tells her as they get off the boat, she extends her hand. Shauna takes it, begrudgingly “If you do, you might get lost. Staying here forever.”
Shauna knew enough about lust as an act of self-harm from where she was alive.
“Shauna.”
“What?”
“Be careful.” Misty tells her as they face forward “Many people here would kill for what you have.”
Right.
Hell is a place — oddly organized, separated by the level of your sin. Perhaps that is why lust is the easiest hell, as lust can be intertwined with love, with desire. Still, it is Hell, not a place for vacation. Misty is right, as much as she hates to say it. Everyone would be desperate to get out of here, that much is true. But those who are driven by their desires? If were abandoned by their lover who went to Heaven or even to Purgatory? There’s nothing they’d stop at to remove it from Shauna.
It’s why she’s hiding the letter inside of her — opened her flesh whole and hid it inside her. Close where her heart used to be when she was alive.
Hell also is very personal — the torture is something you get used to, but when they get into your mind, that's where the real pain starts.
The harpies love to play hunt with her with the Girl’s face if she thinks of her, for example. It’s why she hasn’t thought of her by name in a long time.
“Shauna.”
There’s a sight of a blonde demon, human-looking, androgynous. Getting eaten up by a brown-haired woman. Those are the worst kinds of demons, the ones that look at the image of man.
“Shauna.” A voice repeats — annoying and grating. Like nails against a blackboard “Shauna.”
A demon giving birth to a cambion — half human half demon, abominations that only exist here and eat their human parent and spit them out for the rest of eternity.
An incubus opens its mouth as big as a weeping woman’s head. Shauna can hear it. Tell me you love me.
(Tell me you love me
I love you, Shauna.)
The Girl never told her she loved her, because she knew Shauna was undeserving.
“Shauna.”
Misty told her to not look back — but out of annoyance and anger, she did.
A mistake.
Dirty blonde hair and huge eyes, a bright smirk showing her sharp teeth, full of blood. Naked, as how she came into the world. She’s both the Girl who died and the woman who never came to be.
“Shauna, do you want to play with us?”
Who do these demons think she is?
“Fuck off.” She snarls, the demon that looks like the Girl jumps on Shauna’s arm. Shauna pushes her away, and the demon laughs.
Who do they think she is?
She knows the Girl isn’t here — even if she didn’t have the letter, she knows that she would be…
“What letter?”
Shit.
There is no privacy in Hell, pretty much every demon can read your mind.
The demon that looks like the Girl smiles.
“This Fallen has a Beatrician Letter from Heaven!”
Everyone’s hungry eyes turn towards her.
They look at each other.
Time to run.
“GIVE IT TO ME!”
“TAKE ME WITH YOU!”
“YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT, WE SEE OUR HEART.”
She was always the one doing the hunting in the woods — she was never in the opposite site. A privilege to highlight her importance. It always wanted her to survive.
Here, no one cares.
Half mad Damned walk in fours to get her, tornadoes of lust and anger trying to make her join so they can take the letter off her. The implication that she doesn’t deserve it makes her angry — because she does not, but they aren’t precisely in heaven.
Succubus and the incubus spread the news, watching her get chased by an animal. The one that wears the Girl’s face grabs her with claws, pinning her to the floor. She stifles a scream, and for a minute, she plays with the idea of letting this particular demon play with her. The harpies stopped killing her with the Girl’s face when they discovered Shauna was into it.
But she doesn’t have time, she lost sight of Misty.
She pushes the demon away, grabs a rock, and starts beating anyone that comes near her. She laughs at the implication of some horny motherfuckers making her give up. She might not deserve it, but surely people in hell do not either.
Shauna?
A familiar voice. She knows she shouldn’t fall for it but…
Taissa? Is that you?
I’m with Misty!
Shauna! That’s Misty’s voice Run straight to Narcissus garden! The Damned were aren’t very strong, they’ll soon give up!
Much to the demons’ chagrin, Misty is correct.
There are still some of them that chase after her, but when she grabs another rock and starts smashing the shit out of them. They hide away in cowardice. If they fall to their desires, they aren’t strong enough to do the trip. That’s irritating on its own, as they would’ve had a head start because they are starting from home.
The Narcissus garden is for the vain — a perfect hiding place. Those so trapped in their selfishness that the trees are mirrors and they scream at their reflection, by attempting to fix their appearances, they self-mutilate for eternity. Too busy on themselves to focus on someone hiding.
“Shauna!”
Hell as a place has broken her completely — she had forgotten about her family, her friends, everything. It wasn’t until the letter that something was alive within her as well. She doesn’t have a heart physically, but figuratively, is beating next to the letter.
She’s never been so happy to see someone.
“Taissa!”
They hug — and Shauna had forgotten how good a hug was when it came from a good friend. Tai has short hair, like in their youth. Sores around her hands, wearing a robe that implies that she had been naked before as most of the residents of this hell are.
“I’m so happy to see you! I mean — it sucks you are here.”
“Where the fuck would we go, Shauna?” Taissa asks with a laughing tone.
The happy reunion is interrupted by Misty’s annoyed cough. “I found her, you know?” She says, pointing at Tai, expecting a thank you that never comes.
“Shauna, what the fuck are doing here?”
“I’m doing the Road.”
Taissa's expression changes, she’s surprised “Did she send it?”
“It has her initials.”
“I know the way to go to the third hell, I’ll help you there.” She tells them, already not accepting a no for an answer. A leader in every aspect. “We will stay here in the meantime, they won’t bother us here.”
Shauna blinks “Taissa, we are —“
“I know you want to see her, Shauna.” Taissa cuts down “I know you’ve wanted to see her since we were alive, but things will get worse from here. You couldn’t even follow Misty’s simple instructions!”
Shauna looks down, ashamed yet tries to defend herself “I knew it wasn’t real.”
“Falling for a demon’s provocation is like, the first thing not to do! It’s Hell 101!” Misty adds, crossing her arms “Get it together, Shauna!”
Taissa’s expression softens “In the hour of the Fallen, when the demons go meet their king, I shall guide you to the tunnel within the second and third hell. It can be ugly from there.” Taissa’s eyes meet Shauna’s “I’m sure she understands you cannot be there in one human day.”
They are in Hell, and Taissa Turner is still doing anything she can to help her.
It makes Shauna want to cry.
They are guided by the swarm of demons flying in one direction, the three of them following without being bothered. If they are meeting their King, they usually do not bother them, as the Fallen are in the lower order of priorities.
Shauna. Shauna. Shauna.
Shauna. I’m here. You want me.
I can look like her, I’ll go inside of you. We’ll be together.
“So.” She says, trying to distract herself, she almost faltered — it will not happen again “I knew your serial cheater ass would be here.”
“Shut up.” Taissa tells her, rolling her eyes “Where are you at?”
“Below you.”
“That’s terrible.”
It is a black hole — its pull almost as a vacuum, it’s the most straightforward way within the second and third hell. Shauna holds her knife tighter.
“Send my regards to the Girl.” Taissa tells her “Tell her I tried my best to look after you.”
“…You aren’t coming?”
“I don’t think the invitation says to Shauna and her friends.”
Sure, Shauna didn’t read the letter much — didn’t have a chance to. Never a moment of peace. But she just cannot abandon Taissa here, if she has a chance to escape.
Even if she can’t go with Shauna — which would suck, certainly it would be better to leave this place, if possible.
“Shut up, you’re coming with us.”
The three of them jump at the same time.
III
THE GLUTTONOUS
You do not dream in hell — you don’t get that privilege, but the closest thing to it is losing consciousness and fading to black.
The disgusting smell returns her to consciousness.
It is different from the smell from the lustful — sweat mixed with blood. This smell is putrid and makes her want to throw up. She opens her eyes and looks around — Taissa to her right, Misty to her left. Acknowledgment. They are okay. Something falls on her head. Something wet. She looks up.
Cerberus.
The three-headed dog is scarier than any illustration artists and painters have done with it. Red eyes with smaller eyes surrounding it. Black fur. Serpents came from all parts of its body, hissing at the three of them. The dog is the size of Jupiter. Shauna thinks entire civilizations could meet their ends in any of Cerberus’ mouths.
“Strangers.” The dog hisses, speaking at the same time. Shauna makes the mistake of looking inside, there is a person torn in half in one of the heads, who chews it like a toy. Shauna could hear the bones crunching “Strangers.”
Fuck.
“Are you stupid!?” Misty screeches “Run!”
Cerberus it is not just big — it is fast, and if he catches you, you’re condemned to be its toy until it grows bored of you. One of the worst parts of Hell is that you cannot die. That guy that’s on one of the heads and gets torn in half will not meet a sweet release from death. He will heal, maybe. And then the torture will continue.
The good thing about not having a physical body is that they do not get tired from running. Her eyes focused on Misty’s back. She takes a right turn behind a cave, and Taissa and Shauna follow suit. She knows her Hell like the palm of her hand, Misty knows all of them. It’s why she chose her, as much as she hates it.
Shauna knows the place is bad when Cerberus stops following them. Tai is the one who looks back. The animal barks at them and turns back to the Gate.
“Where are we?” Shauna asks, the smell getting worse “I know it is the gluttonous, but…”
“They will not harm us.” Misty assures her “The lustful, for all their faults…a lot of them were guided by passion. The gluttonous are self-indulgent, even if they had a chance to leave, they won’t.”
“What should we fear?”
“Your internal hell. Our internal hell.”
The Damned here are pathetic, at first.
Blind, stupid creatures, devoid of any passion or brain. Just the desire to eat. One of them crawls to Shauna’s leg and she kicks it away. The creature leaves where it came from, half human, half worm. She sees a former king, with a bronze crown, crying as he consumes whatever is near him about how it will never be satisfied.
Then, they discover what Misty was talking about.
As they go further and further, the pathetic worm-humans stay behind. Being replaced by humans that behave like animals, walking on four legs and all. Barking at them like Cerberus — no, Cerberus could speak, these Damned forgot to.
Blood splashes near her face, it isn’t hers.
Taissa can’t help but hold a scream.
The Damned here attack each other, but that’s whatever — in Shauna’s hell they do that all the time.
But here they eat each other.
They tear each other alive and they consume whatever is near. They use their teeth to do it all. To remove limbs. To open the weakest one and eat it whole. The poor prey can’t even see nor smell the predators, neither do the predators. They only attack on instinct, they like the taste of blood.
Taissa swallows her nausea.
Shauna. Are you hungry?
There’s an ear in her hand.
Shauna screams — and they are only safe because the gluttonous are too invested in their pleasure and pain to hear her. Taissa puts a hand over her mouth, trying to silence her so Cerberus wouldn’t try them again. The ear changes to a heart. A hand. A head.
“Don’t let go!” Taissa tells her. “Hell is fucking with you! Don’t listen to it!”
It’s okay Shauna, you did it because you loved me. Or because you were hungry. Consuming is an act of love.
“So it’s restraint.” She fights back.
You didn’t have much of that, then. Must’ve held little love for me. But that’s okay, you can consume as much as you want here. Did I taste good?
“Shauna.” Taissa tells her, holding her face “Look at me. It is fucking with you.”
“It’s telling the truth.” Shauna insists part of her wants to look back at the Damned here. Taissa’s grasp is tighter, refuses to let her see. Perhaps because she knows she will see the Girl’s corpse cannibalized by beasts that look dangerously like them “I ate her heart because it’s what I wanted.”
“Shauna…”
“Shut up Misty!” Shauna snarls with hatred, only Tai’s touch reminding her of the mission “That happened because of you!”
Shauna. Abandon them. I’m right here. You can savor me forever.
“Shauna. We are almost near the end of this hell, you can do it!” Taissa tells her, raising her voice “Don’t waste time self-flagellating when you have a chance to speak to her!”
Shauna closes her eyes, then opens them again. There’s not an ear. They continue.
The worst of them all, though, were those who ate themselves — munching their fingers in pleasure and pain. Would it be punishment or narcissism? Taissa’s pull makes it clear that they are not staying to find out.
As they walk away and they leave behind the third hell, the smell diminishes. They walk in silence. Taissa serves as a filter within Shauna and Misty, who are glaring at each other.
Shauna just said the quiet part out loud, it doesn’t make it less true.
IV THE GREEDY
Pluto is the guardian that stands within the third and fourth Hell. It is not as indifferent as Minos, nor as vicious as Cerberus. He is almost bored. In Greek Mythology, Hades wasn’t as malicious as sometimes Poseidon or Athena could be, and Pluto was revered by the Romans.
“We are doing Dante’s road.” Misty tells Pluto “Let us pass.”
“Inside there is the greedy.” He tells them “Pass them and then cross the Styx. If you have something to give to Phlegyas. He will transport you to the fifth, which is the beginning of the lower caste of Hell.”
“What does Phlegyas usually want?”
“He will tell you.”
The Damned that reside in the Greed circle carry bags full of money that look as heavy as rocks. Just to eventually crumble under them. They ignore them. The few ones that do not crumble under their greed are fighting each other over the illusion of money. It’s just rocks, sometimes garbage, sometimes worse. They are devoid of any intelligence — willingly buying punishment from their demons. Getting fooled over and over. These tormentors are very different from the others, they are smarter. The torturers of the wicked are merchants with their pain as currency.
Taissa says they need to buy weapons, especially considering they are entering the inner circles of hell. They can also rest for a while. Shauna would like to argue, but frankly. She can already feel how exhausting the road is, they can rest for a little while.
“Welcome, travelers of the Road.” A demon smiles — a grotesque creature. One eye centered in its head and worms as teeth and a pig’s tail. It was smart enough to come to him instead of the handsome one with androgynous features. The ugliest the demon is, they tend to be the closest thing to trustworthy “What can I give you?”
“I want a bigger axe.” Taissa tells him, and a shield “What’s the price?”
“Your Memories, Fallen.” The demon answers, the worms moving as it speaks “The better memory you have, the bigger the price. For all my weapons and in general.”
“Deal.” Taissa enters her fingers through her ear, barely bothered as she pulls out a sphere from her ear. Places it on the demon’s hand “Will this do?”
“Which memory is it?”
“My marriage day.”
“More, for the shield.”
Silence, but Taissa relents “My son’s first steps.”
“Deal.”
“I will focus on the defense.” Misty offers “Do you have wisteria?”
“Some. It will cost you high, though.”
“As much as you have, I will give you a memory of the first time someone was nice to me, and when I met Caligula.”
“Another memory, Fallen. Wisteria is expensive and quite hard to find.”
“Well…I will give you when The Girl said I was beautiful.” Misty said, and that is final. She turns to see Shauna and Misty “It was in Doomcoming, she did my makeup and told me I was beautiful. It was the first time someone called me that. The last, too.”
The demon turns into Shauna “What will you get?”
She doesn’t need much “A knife, the best one you got.”
The demon shows her one that looks simple in the eye, but there’s something else on it. Shauna can sense it. The demon praises her for it, it says it harms demons and Fallen alike. This is all she needs. The knife is a familiar friend. A comfort.
“I’ll give you the birth of my daughter, the wedding of my brother, and the last moments of my mother.”
She wasn’t giving away any memories of the Girl — not yet. Not for a knife. Yet these were important to her. Her brother’s wedding was the last time she was in any kind of familiar reunion — her mother tried until her last breath, but her brother didn’t have that much strength. She had been a good sister before the tragedy, despite how much they argued. Yet the Shauna who returned saw a weak and spoiled boy who was scared of her.
Despite he cut her off and moved to California, and despite how much he hated her husband (Shauna wasn’t big on him either) he loved her enough to invite her to his wedding. His mother begged her to go. It was one of the few times Shauna allowed herself to have fun at a wedding. Her child had been still young and clung to her Uncle through the entire wedding in a way she never did with her parents.
The ghost of the Girl had smiled at her the moment her brother and her mother were dancing — I wanted to get married too, Shauna.
She never saw him again until her mother’s funeral.
Her mother tried — even in her last days, Shauna lost her to disease in the blink of an eye. She stayed with her in her last days. Her request. She never fully gave up on Shauna, it was the minimum she could do. She told her that the Girl wouldn’t want her to live like this.
Shauna knew this, but it was meaningless.
But her mother was one of the few people she loved, and when she died, she was utterly alone. The funeral was dull, her brother hugged her for the last time (she never saw him again) and she was irritated by her daughter and the ghost crying.
It was good enough for the demon.
“It was a pleasure to do business with you ladies.” It says before walking away.
Shauna turns to see Misty, she had no idea what happened, about the Girl calling her beautiful, it made things worse.
“It’s something the Girl would do.” She tells her “She saw the best in people.”
Misty tilts her head “What are you talking about?”
A shiver went through Shauna’s spine.
V
THE WRATHFUL & THE SULLEN
Phlegyas is waiting, a boat ready for them three. Shauna takes a step forward. She thinks he read of him — Apollo took his daughter and killed her, so he burned his temple in return. Shauna doesn’t know if that is the true story, and she isn’t interested in knowing why he is here.
However, he wants something.
“An important memory.” He says, eyes focused on Shauna — he is asking this to her, not her companions. He knows that she cheated technically. None of those memories were the price of a knife. Yet, to cross the fifth, he needs something meaningful, and he is targeting her because she is the one who got the invitation.
The few times they rested, Shauna pondered what to give — she looked at her companions and started looking into the sphere with the memory she would give.
Misty warned her, that the fifth circle was in the river Styx and its surroundings. The guide will leave them at the gates of Dis, where the rest of Hells are. To do it in moderate safety, she’ll have to give something away.
She chooses her and the Girl’s first meeting.
Five years old. Hair on pigtails. Shauna had been a crybaby then. Scared of other children. Two Girls try to mess with her and the Girl shows up and pushes one and bites another so they get away from her. Shauna’s teary eyes met hers. She was missing a tooth back then. A happy child that talked a lot, too much. Shauna didn’t know talking that much was possible, perhaps that’s why she was amazed by her You are so pretty! I wanna be friends! Do you wanna be friends? What’s your name? My name is…
“Good enough,” Phlegyas says, putting the memory in its purse. He’s almost smiling “Get on the boat, any Damned that comes. You smack them away.”
Easy enough. Shauna nods. Taissa puts a hand on her shoulder and squeezes it.
She is crying about something — but she has forgotten why. It still lingers. However.
It doesn’t take long for the Damned from the fifth to try to rock the boat.
They all come at the same time attacking the boat, attacking each other. Shauna and Tai keep them at bay. They keep each other at bay, attacking each other. This Hell is different from the previous ones. It hits Shauna the hardest.
In the previous hells, she could see or hear the Girl — which was already hard enough. In the fifth, however, she sees her face in the Damned. They accuse her, with her face. It makes Shauna’s blood run hotter as she stabs them in the eye. Monster with her face. They bare their teeth at her before begrudgingly getting away, choosing to fight each other instead.
There is peace, for a while.
Shauna makes the mistake of looking at the waters of the river. Her reflection meets her. Except it is not her reflection. She is wearing winter clothes, with long hair, and a dark stare. Her stare darkens the more Shauna stares at her. She feels a deep disgust towards her reflection, and it is being returned by a hundred.
What are you doing?
I’m meeting her. She answers as it is not obvious She wants to see me.
Oh? You’re her protector now? Her reflection has a smile full of bloodied teeth A little too late.
Shauna knows it is Hell fucking with her, she knows she shouldn’t answer.
She still does.
I’m going so I can do the right thing.
When have you done that? And these are the people helping you?
Do you have any other suggestions?
Fine. Taissa is your friend — I do suppose she would feel a little bad. Her reflection tilts her head . If what Misty said is true, then she betrayed the Girl. The only person that was nice to her at that point. Is that what you bring to her? Traitors and murderers?
She wants me there.
(”Oh no! She’s talking to a sullen.”
“Shauna!”)
You killed that Girl, you don’t deserve to go up there. You should be down here. You don’t deserve absolution or forgiveness. You don’t feel bad about what you did, you feel bad she found out.
“You don’t know anything.” She grits her teeth, doesn’t realize she’s getting closer to the lake “It affected all of us!”
You carried the life you lived — thinking this is what she would’ve turned out to be, but you don’t know that. She died before she could even tell you. You knew that. You were just too cowardly. She didn’t pass away as you said to people. She died. You murdered her.
She reaches for the reflection in blind anger.
Except it’s the reflection pulling her to the water.
She doesn’t need to breathe, yet the weight of the collective hatred is pulling her down. That’s right, why is she trying? She hated the Girl, how she took over her life, how bossy she was, how weak she was…
How she never told Shauna she loved her.
That's right, stay here with the sullen. Where you belong. Those from Heaven do not think of the wicked.
That’s right.
Stay here, give us the letter.
Something is pulling her up, no, someone.
Leave me alone, Misty!
There is a back-and-forth between Misty and the demon, and Shauna is tired. It’s slightly better than the Hell she resides, and she’s right. She belongs here. She doesn’t know why Misty tries so hard, Shauna killed her, and even if she hadn’t found out the truth, Shauna never liked her that much. Why does she try so hard?
I will bring you to the Girl, Shauna! Whether you want it or not.
She uses her free hand to throw a Wisteria flower at the demon, who hides in the depths of the Syxt in recoil. Taissa gets both of them up. Shauna takes deep breaths even if she doesn’t need to breathe.
She expects the slap to come from Taissa, it comes from Misty.
“You are so ungrateful —“ Misty starts, and Tai gets silenced with a look “You’ve always been!”
“Why would I be grateful to the person who caused all of this!” Shauna snaps, accusatory — the hatred from the Styx not getting cleared up easily “If you hadn’t fucked the transmitter, she would have lived!”
“You don’t know that, and I don’t feel bad about what I did.” Misty tells her, grabbing her by the collar “But I admired the Girl."
“You threw her under the bus…”
“You betrayed her, which is worse.” Misty’s eyes darken “Betrayal never comes from acquittances or your enemies.”
“You act as if I don’t fucking know, what was the purpose of this if I don’t know my sins?”
“The Girl was always nice to me — nicer than you ever were.” Every word is heavier than the other, she’s never seen Misty like this “You weren’t the only one affected by her death, you don’t know how fucking fortunate you are that someone up there thinks that you don’t belong in Hell and wants you to meet her! I don’t have that! Most of the people here don’t! I’m going to guide you to the Girl, whether you want it or not. I don’t care if you hate me, it’s going to be my way to make amends to her.”
“Don’t fight on my boat,” Phlegyas says, uninterested.
Taissa sits next to her, hand on her shoulder “Do you remember when I dreamed of her? I intend to make things right this time”
Right.
At her bachelorette party, Taissa had gotten drunk as shit, they all were. Yet it wasn’t the fun kind like they were Girls. It was as if it was a time before a funeral when Natalie had Fallen asleep drunk. Taissa had told her that the Girl had shown up to her in a dream — she had told her to take care of Shauna, that was her only request.
Taissa had pretty much told her she wouldn’t want this for you in nicer words, but Shauna ignored it.
It doesn’t matter what the Girl had wanted, because she was dead
“Misty got a point, this is not your journey alone — not anymore.” Taissa tells her “We need you, Shauna. Or this adventure is moot.”
Shauna.
She hears her voice from the letter that is hiding right next to her hand.
She will not falter any more, but still.
“Sorry.” She says begrudgingly to Misty.
“It’s okay.” The other shrugs “Friends always fight.”
Well, she supposed exploring Hell together made you a friend.
Whatever.
VI
THE HERETICS
They haven’t fully gotten off the boat by the time Phlegyas leaves.
They are at the gates of the city of Dis — if you look up, you see Fallen angels sneering at them. They are beautiful beyond any creature, beyond every human. That’s how you know they are the most wicked of all. If she looks at them too much, they look a little like the Girl.
It is there that Shauna cuts her flesh to remove the letter she’s been hiding in her body. Shows it to the Fallen angels, who begrudgingly open the gates to the city.
Dis is very much a bastardized version of Rome and the Vatican, or perhaps a true version of what Rome actually was under the facade (Shauna never went, but she wanted to. When she had dreams, she would’ve gone with the Girl). It is a mockery of a city, almost tailor-made for those who do the road. There are even drinks and restaurants and even hotels, a false sense of security to break the morality of those who got this far.
“There isn’t as much heresy as it used to be.” Misty explains, ignoring the people screaming into the locked tombs on fire “So Dis is currently on rebuilding, it is said that the King of Hell wants to change it into something else.”
They stop to watch a scene, a Fallen angel with a Beatrician letter, smile in hand. A Fallen, just like Shauna, with a collar in his neck, on his fours like an animal. Except worse, because judging by his legs and knees he has been doing the road crawling.
His eyes show that he’s completely gone, a smile on his face as the Fallen angel orders food for himself. He sits on the floor obediently, even when chained to the chair.
“Some Fallen angels offer their services to the road.” Misty explains “They are the closest to the King, as they are his kin. So they would be the safest road if you don’t have a guide, but…the ones that request the services usually end up like that poor devil.”
“Can he reach Heaven like that?” Taissa asks “Or he plans to go to heaven on its instead?”
“Fallen angels can’t ever return, it’s a privilege for the Fallen humans,” Misty explains, but it went unsaid that this one would not leave Hell. Perhaps wouldn’t even leave Dis “His best fate is getting abandoned in Dis, Fallen angels are particularly crueler than demons.”
As if they had listened, the Fallen angel releases him from the collar. Walking away. He even gives the man his letter. The poor creature trails behind him, the poor bastard.
“Maybe you’re not so bad, Misty.”
“Thank you.”
“You’ve both helped me in this journey.” Shauna tells them “I’d be tortured by a succubus that looks like the Girl if not for you two.”
“Wow, perhaps seeing that poor bastard gave you some perspective.”
“Shut up.” Shauna rolls her eyes “Misty, take a step back. I will guide you to the next step as soon as we leave Dis.”
“Is that…?” They both ask at the same time.
“Yeah.” Shauna smiles, sarcastically “That’s where I’m at.”
VII
THE VIOLENT
She’s seen people climb up, but is this the first time they’ve climbed down.
To go from the sixth to the seventh, you have to climb down. Shauna goes first, and Taissa and Misty follow. She told them to prepare in Dis because the fall could be quite ugly. Their guard is the Minotaur, who charges against anyone fool or desperate enough to try to climb up the walls.
Sadly, it happens often.
“We are not fucking Theseus!” Shauna yells, but it’s all for naught. When he charges against the wall, they all fall. Lava waiting for them “Be ready!” She yells as she prepares to fall into lava. She can feel her immortal body burning in every sense of the word.
Home, sweet home.
The first Hells are just your conscience getting fucked over for the rest of eternity, that’s why they were hard for Shauna to digest. They fucked with your psyche. In the seventh, it’s just all-around punishment.
For someone who had been constantly self-punishing all her life, it fit her like a ring.
“Girls!” Shauna calls, Taissa is shocked, to the point that Shauna has to help her get out of the lake, in contrast, Misty is remarkably unaffected “The lava for the murderers, it burns according to your level of guilt. Let’s move.”.
It feels so good to finally use the knife to stab the harpies in the eye, over and over. Shauna deserves suffering, that much is true. Yet these harpies didn’t deserve to hunt her and kill her while wearing the Girl’s face. They stopped her when they realized Shauna was slightly into it.
“You’re a fucking freak, Shauna.” Taissa tells her once she explains her the event.
“Shut up.”
“How does it feel?” Misty asks “I’ve only felt bad about doing it twice.”
“I’ve only felt bad about a handful.” But it had been the Girl’s death — even if she didn’t murder her outright what made the punishment so hard “It feels like you’re walking in the sun.”
“Is that —“ Taissa finally recovers speech “Is that how you felt while alive? When people mourned her?”
Shauna’s mother weeping. Her parents weeping. Her brother – who as far as Shauna knew wasn’t that close to her – was sniffling. People that she forgot about, people who returned to the city for the funeral. They were all mourning the Girl. Their Perfect Girl.
“It was just as bad.”
If not worse.
Shauna belonged in the higher tier of the seventh circle, she guided them through the second tier. A forest. It’s for those who caused violence to their own family. The roots represent the family bloodline, and they are torn down for sport or made a “home” for the harpies. Who torture the Fallen by wearing the faces of the family members who lost their lives to them.
Shauna didn’t venture here too much, at least in the first circle you had the occasional tyrant that was a good conversation with. It was also funny to see I killed thousands for my nation being countered by I killed my best friend as if it was somehow comparable. Sometimes, Shauna thinks it’s worse, especially if she changes it to my lost love or my sworn sister.
She was all of those, she was none of those.
The third and lower rank are those who harm others in the Creator’s name — those who spent their lives being bigoted toward others because they were different. Their fate is being in a biblical punishment forever and ever. Condemned to be ashes, yet never smart enough to find comfort in one another. In their blindness, they do not find their fellow residents worthy of an alliance.
“They could drink from the river of blood.” Shauna explains to them “But it turns to ashes when they do, if we follow the blood river it links it from the Seventh to the Eighth, I’ve heard the Eighth is the biggest Hell.”
“We can go moderately easily if we do the Dante route and fly on Geryon.” Misty suggests “However, as the guardian of the eighth, he will want an important memory and even yet he might not give us a full ride. He isn’t straightforward.”
“Then what do we do?”
“We trick the fraudster.”
VIII
THE FRAUDULENT AND MALICIOUS
Geryon is a three-faced monster like Cerberus. A human face. A reptilian face. An animal face. A wyvern with a scorpion tail and big wings. It has a nice smile, the smile of an honest man. It makes Shauna nauseous, she’d rather have the ones that try to kill you.
“The eighth is the biggest circle.” He says “We’d need a memory from each of you.”
Shauna doesn’t dream, but when she was alive she used to. Shauna isn’t very good at lying — but she is good at convincing herself of her lies, so she lies to herself and gives that lie to Geryon.
She dreamed that Girl was still alive and with her — that they made a life together. Reuniting in their mid-20s when they were older and kinder and falling in love and having a family, as lame as it sounded. Smiling lines in her eyes, still naive, but loving her no matter what.
It hurts to give away, even when fake.
The eighth is the amphitheater of hell — its biggest Hell, divided into ten ditches. Panderers and seducers getting hit by horned demons aren’t like the lustful — who were moved by passion, no. They did it out of manipulation. Those who enrich themselves with religion. Evil wizards. Politicians (oh wow, every president she ever met is there) getting torn up by the Malabrache and drowning in a boiling brown liquid.
“My lord Geryon!” He greets, them just as they pass the sixth Bolgia with the hypocrites.
“Fuck.” Misty whispers “Malacoda.”
“Who is he?”
“The leader of the Malabrache, the demons who rule this place.”
“My lord Geryon, they tricked you, these memories are fake!”
Geryon turns its human head, his human smile unmoving.
It turns into an ugly thing — black with red eyes and sharp teeth. A banshee scream and he fucking pushes them off his back in the middle of the air. Shauna wonders if this was how it fell off the plane — she had been half drugged and the Girl pulled her off. There is a panic, a fear that her bones will break and she will not survive the fall. Misty reveals her wings, reaching for Taissa and Shauna on each hand. Their weight is too much for her but refuses to let go.
Malacoda laughs, almost impressed at their recklessness, and asks his followers if they can’t beat a bunch of Fallen.
Except they are more than your regular Fallen, they realize that as they fight them while reaching for land. Hurling hatred and curses at them. They eventually leave them alone, and Shauna and Taissa laugh as they high-five Misty. Hungry beasts stare at them in the surroundings, snakes butting their feet.
“Seventh bolgia.” Misty whispers “Thieves.”
They fucking run.
They’ve never been chased like this.
The thieves are greedy and violent, one of them grabs Shauna by the ankle. Leaning on top of her — its face twisting and turning into her own. It notices the cut where she is hiding the letter, and he hungrily tries to open her up and run with it. It almost screams like her, when she stabs it in the eye and it howls.
Taissa blows its head away with one blow, instead revealing a nest of snakes.
There is a total of tenth bolgias, and this is the seventh. They are almost there, and while the despair surrounded her in the first hells, she is full of adrenaline here. Just like in the Seventh. Perhaps this is what she was made for, perhaps she would’ve always ended up here. For a minute, she thinks of fighting these Fallen — these thieves, these tricksters forever.
Shauna.
But she has come his far.
She isn’t giving up.
It’s funny — she had given up to her fate long before she died. Her heart was ashes due to the abuse and the torture. She would’ve probably been okay with getting lost in some of the earlier hells except for the third.
She’s made up her mind.
She’s leaving Hell no matter what.
Morningstar himself cannot stop her.
They eventually get away from the thieves, they succumb to the snakes. Misty is bloody, and so is Tai.
Shauna knows she is too, it’s her natural habitat.
Eight. Nine. Tenth Bolgia. They all merge.
“Do you know who I am?” A fellow traveler asks Shauna has never met him in her life “Do you?”
“Do not engage.” Misty orders “Councilors of Fraud are near.”
“They took my memories, Lord Geryon did.” He insists, walking next to them “I don’t remember my name, nor this.” He shows the letter “Why did I embark on this?” He asks, eyes innocent, almost as if expecting an answer “I’m lost.”
“Keep walking, Shauna.”
“Help me, please!” The man wails in desperation “IT WAS IMPORTANT!”
Shauna feels no pity.
Shauna spent most of her life and death dedicating it to the Girl, that’s why she cannot sympathize — He got tricked, what an excuse as if demons aren’t tricky per nature. Shauna thinks she would’ve walked the bolgias barefoot if it meant forgetting everything from the Girl. As stupid as it sounds, it seems that he didn’t love that person enough. Getting so far to end up here. He eventually stops chasing them. Just sitting there, pulling his hair. Wailing like a baby. Laughing like a child.
The last thing Shauna sees is someone in a dark cape approaching the man. Whispering something in his ear. Whatever it is, he willingly gives away his letter and is saying something Shauna cannot understand.
She thinks of turning around — the last remnants of conscience. Misty forbids it.
“He’s swearing himself to a Fallen angel.” Misty tells them “You cannot help him.”
“What is the difference between a Fallen angel and a demon?”
“Demons are born here.” Misty explains “In Hell, they don’t know nothing that’s not this. Fallen angels either come from the fall from Morningstar or they are descendants. They believe themselves as superior to humans, and since they are the King’s breed. They tend to keep falling as servants. He has no use for the letter, but it means he has given up.”
The tenth bolgia is falsifiers, and they are good at it — some of them tell her they can bring the Girl here, to tear down her pretty wings and give it to Shauna. Elevate her to honorary demon status. They promise her a castle, a bunch of women that look like the Girl, thousands of her to Shauna to fuck for eternity.
Shauna.
She lets those whose resolution is weak enough to fall into this trap.
The closest to the ninth, it gets colder
IX
THE TRAITORS
“ Vexilla regis prodeunt inferni " Misty announces as they arrive “ The banners of the King of Hell draw closer. Stay close.”
The ninth circle is cold.
A stark contrast to the previous circles, surrounded by Hellfire. Almost as different from the rest of Hell as Hell is from Heaven. It is cold, deadly cold. There is almost no Fallen, very few people earn the dubious honor of being here. The few that do are frozen in the Cocytus lake, forever and ever.
Shauna, I’m cold. I’m so cold. Shauna. You left me here. Why? Why? Why?
There are no demons, no beasts here as they walk through the frozen lakes. Misty describes them one per one. The wind gets colder as they advance, and the three of them get closer to each other as it gets colder to keep themselves warm. Their hands are glued to each other.
It’s the coldest circle because the worst sin is treachery in the eyes of the Powers that Be.
Caina, those traitors to their family, was named by Cain, who killed his brother. Frozen up to the neck.
Antenora, for those who betrayed their country. Frozen up to their heads.
Ptolomeca, traitors to their guests, lying on the ice, their eyelids frozen, deprived of the comfort of crying.
And then…
Judecca, traitors to their Lords. Those here are frozen in distorted, twisted forms. Barely resemble humans.
Good.
Shauna wondered what was the Circle for a traitor to loved ones — Caina didn’t fit the definition entirely, the Girl wasn’t family, but she was familiar, perhaps would’ve been her family tied by marriage, if she had lived, probably more family than Jeff was. Her mother and brother despised him, but her mother always left an extra chair on holidays to remember her.
Would it be Judecca? The closest circle to Hell? The Girl owned her heart, but Shauna doesn’t know if it fits. Perhaps they should make a new circle, under Judecca, and name it after her.
The idea makes her laugh.
“That’s enough.” Taissa tells her “You don’t belong here.”
Girls.
It freezes the three of them.
The Girl’s voice had only targeted Shauna so far — you could speak to your companions without speaking if you wanted to (they chose regular communication, however, perhaps because they were used to it) but only Shauna could hear the Girl’s voice.
Or whoever pretended to be the Girl, her tone is hushed down, almost a whisper. Sorrowful.
Shauna. Tai. Misty.
I’m cold. I’m so cold. I’m lonely.
“Don’t look down,” Misty warns her — her voice shaking slightly, taking two steps forward. Her body is shaking too, and Shauna doesn’t think it’s because of the cold “It will get low now.”
Why did you abandon me?
Shauna and Taissa hold hands tightly, a twin grip that cannot be separated. Instead of looking down (Shauna. Shauna. Shauna) she looks at Taissa, all sweat and dirt and burned, she’s biting her lip so hard that she’s bleeding.
Shauna cannot blame her, she can hear it too.
I was always nice to you, Misty. The voice says, disappointed and accusatory When nobody was. Nobody was that nice to you, before or after. No wonder you sabotaged us, you always do. You killed me —-
“I didn’t think that was going to happen —“
It’s too late, it’s always too late once you start speaking back. Shauna knows Misty knows this.
She also knows that it is meaningless because Hell will torture you until you respond.
You snitched on me, you little rat. You killed Kirsten. You killed Natalie. I wasn’t even hurting anyone. You just were scared we got back to ignore you, and they did once they got back.
“Misty, that’s not her,” Taissa tells her, completely pointless.
And you, Taissa? I bet you were real happy when I died, no one was in your way to get the captain bracelet. A mouth less to feed.
There aren’t many things that get through Taissa's skin — that’s what Shauna liked about her. She was tough and ambitious. Went into college immediately post-crash, even if she didn’t have her shit together, had ambitions, and her death happened because she fled too close to the sun.
“I...t-that is n-not true.” Very few things make Taissa stutter, that is the scariest part of this Hell. It makes Shauna step in as an instant reflex.
“Leave her alone!”
I’m talking to Taissa, Shauna. You’ll get your turn.
“You’re not the Girl.” She barks “She wouldn’t be here!”
Ah. But I am real. I’m her. I am her sorrow, her abandonment. Backstabbed, like Julius Caesar, like Jesus. Iced out. Looked down. Killed slowly, by her friend. Consumed for survival. Do you think that went to the Heavens with her? Regardless, why are you helping her, Taissa? Misty?
“She needs a guide.” Misty answers, quickly.
“She’s my friend.” Taissa’s response is more certain “I swore to her bones I would take care o-of her, in her a-absence.”
What a good job you did, letting her drown in sorrow. Letting her marry that imbecile. What a good friend you are.
“At least I was there!” Taissa snaps “A-and you cannot blame me for that! I tried to tell her that it wasn’t a good idea! T-that it’s not what you wanted!”
Rarely what I wanted mattered, either dead or alive. Alas, you know this, that's why you snuck behind my back to plot. Never to my face. Always kicked me while down, but never brave enough to do it while at my strongest. Face me, daughters of Brutus. For once in your existence.
“Don’t —-“ Shauna says too late.
Shauna doesn’t know who screamed — it might have been the three of them, or maybe her. Maybe it was Taissa or Misty. Shauna knows she shouldn’t look down, the three of them know it is a trick, but yet, perhaps because it is in their nature, they look down.
The Girl froze in her teenage years, her skin blue and her bloodshot eyes open, seeing but unseeing. Marks of bites all across her body. There are parts of her skin that were removed, the open flesh turning purple inside the frozen lake.
The worst part is that the entire lake is the reflection of the Girl — thousands of bodies, thousands of eyes staring at them accusatorily at the same time.
You lived because of me — you consumed me, it is not just Shauna. It’s all of you. I lived through your future. I live through your children . A mocking laughter I was more of a mother to Shauna’s offspring than she was. And now, I’m your ticket to Heaven. Yet you cannot utter my name.
“We are sorry, Ja—“
“DO NOT SAY HER FUCKING NAME.” Shauna roars “SAY IT, AND IT IS OVER.”
It is not her.
Sorry, you say. The thing that wears the Girl’s face smiles — an ironic smile. A demonic one. I forgive you, Misty. You didn’t mean to condemn me, nor Natalie. For that matter. I will forgive you if you break the ice.
“I-if I do…” Misty says “Will you…will you let Shauna go?”
King Morningstar is many things, but he will not say no to a Beatrician letter. Will you stay here, with me, in Judecca?
Shauna knew it was just regurgitating what they felt.
There is no deception in Judecca — despite being the lowest circle of Hell. There is nothing in Judecca except traitors disfigurated and trapped in ice. No one has tried to steal their card. It has no interest in letting them go, but they do not want it like the highest circles do. There’s also no use for violence, for the demons here do not verbally attack you, rather they abuse your soul.
This demon that wears the Girl’s face has no interest in being freed, you can’t break the ice in Judecca.
It just wants the pleasure of guilt, its smile growing bigger and bigger as you attempt to break it with your bare hands. Shauna grabs both of them tightly to avoid that. They see a fellow traveler painting the ice with dark red, his hands now purple and useless. The Girl giggles at the meaningless of the effort, yet the man continues, even if he cannot see her.
“I’m not proud of what we did,” Taissa says, Shauna isn’t sure if she’s talking to her, or the Girl. Or both “It weighed on me heavily, it always did…but it was for the best for her at the end.” Taissa’s voice breaks, a confession “She didn’t suffer! She went in her sleep! She was lucky! She didn’t — she didn’t get fucked up irreparably in the head like we did! She didn’t do what we had to do to survive! She wouldn’t have been strong enough! She didn’t turn into a monster, she died as a human! She went to heaven! And I’m sorry — it was fucked up, all of it was —! But…”
“She suffered for months.”
“…Shauna.”
“Whenever she found out about my betrayal, then she suffered for months.” Shauna says, and she’s the one giving the steps forward now, guiding the other two “I drove her into despair, I don’t know if she would’ve survived winter if I hadn’t betrayed her.” Shauna turns to see them, her tears frozen “I cannot justify her death with our later suffering, that is absolving myself, and I don’t deserve that. I don’t — I don’t know what she wanted, but that is why I’m going there. To ask her.”
Shauna moves forward to the gates of Hell, colder and colder. She ignores the whimpers with the Girl’s voice.
“How…?” Misty whispers “How in the depths of hell, you were the one less affected?”
“Self-flagellation while alive was good for something.”
But admitting that she didn’t know what the Girl wanted — she was too cowardly to accept that while alive.
She learned that in Hell.
Of course, she has heard of the Devil.
The most beautiful of all angels, who betrayed and ended up in Hell with those who aided him. The father of demons — those that are ugly and deceitful such as the succubus and incubus. The King of Hell himself. The Morningstar.
He sits on a throne made of bones, looking down at Shauna and her friends with arrogance — yet somehow proud that they have come so far. The traitors of history, such as Brutus and Cassius with their limbs maimed and chained to the throne. The head of Judas sitting on Lucifer’s lap as his body is being torn away by dogs, his mouth sounds like he’s screaming but there’s no sound coming off it.
Only the most vile traitors of history get watched by the King of Hell himself.
He isn’t red nor has horns nor is a beast — he is beautiful, perhaps more than in the paintings. He has an androgynous face and black wings. dirty blond long hair and huge, beautiful green eyes, Shauna thinks to herself he looks like a crueler version of the Girl. Even if slightly.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” The Morningstar says, reading her thoughts — and perhaps he has, all this time “My true form cannot be seen by mere Fallen, your eyes see what you deem the most beautiful, your companions will see someone completely different.” Brutus moans of pain and the King of Hell kicks him to shut up, his feet on the traitor’s head “Allow me to congratulate you, there hasn’t been one that completes the road in eons.”
Shauna opens her flesh, the letter white and sparkling with divine protection. Not tainted by blood despite it being on her insides. The King of Hell is disgusted but takes it and reads the contents of it.
“Will you let her go?” Taissa asks, axe in hand as if prepared to fight the literal devil. Would be futile. Shauna herself can sense his power from here.
“I don’t have any other choice, it’s a path we have among our Kingdoms,” Morningstar says, as proof of his power. The axe vanishes from Taissa’s hand “However, this letter says your name, and a guide. There’s three of you.”
One of you must stay, it goes unsaid.
Shauna turns around in panic, but Misty and Taissa look remarkably calm about it as if they knew that this was going to happen.
“I’m staying.” Taissa tells him “Misty has more knowledge of the Kingdoms. I wouldn’t be able to be as much help.”
— they are in Hell.
They are in a place where your fellow Fallen attempt to attack you or throw you under the bus for a second of peace. Taissa had been through hell with Shauna long before they died, back in the woods, and after they died, she sat through the nine circles so Shauna could see the Girl again.
“She’s my guide as well…” Shauna states — because it was true, Taissa’s touch had comforted her when Hell got particularly cruel “I don’t get out of the second circle without her.”
“Not my problem, rules are rules.”
Says the one who got kicked out for disobeying.
Wrong thing to think. Morningstar laughs. Shauna wonders if he’s gonna send them to Limbo again to start all over, or if he’s going to freeze them in Judecca for eternity.
“I do not hate your insolence, Fallen.” He tells her “Give me something — no, give me your most precious memory, and I’ll let your friend go with you.”
“Shauna.” Taissa tells her, grabbing her arm “You don’t have to do it. I let her down, while alive and long after she died. I…I deserve to be here. Just send her my regards.” She smiles sadly “Tell her I couldn’t fulfill her request while alive, but that I helped you here, and I hope that pays the debt.”
All more reason to do this.
How could she face the Girl in good faith, if she left her friend in Hell? The Girl could be spiteful, yes.
But never a rot in Hell spiteful.
“Lord Morningstar.” Shauna warns him, eyes darkening “If you are lying…”
“I like your daringness to threaten.” The devil says “No, it is a deal, Fallen. What memory will you give me?”
It hurts like a motherfucker — more than any torture she’s witnessed here. It feels like she is tearing her brain apart as she searches for the memory. Even some blood comes from her ear as the sphere with her memory is out. Shauna looks at her, sorrow and nostalgia, as it gives it to the King of Hell.
They are on Shauna’s sixteenth birthday.
The Girl has gotten her a vinyl of Bjork’s Post — Shauna loves it. She hugs her tightly, and the Girl smiles just as brightly. Shauna had been slightly irritated about the surprise party — she told her that she didn’t want one, and the Girl did it anyway. Something about sixteen being an important number, or whatever. They were so young back then, and the Girl was younger than Shauna for a couple of months, the youngest of their friend group as a result of being born in November.
Shauna was annoyed she had dismissed her request, but she looked so pretty and happy she liked the gift that she forgot. Shauna will say that she will talk to her about this behavior later. She never does.
They are in their little world by the time the party's over, and they are drunk. She gets very funny when drunk — her words slurred a little bit and laughs a lot and gets very honest.
“I love you, Shauna.” She tells her, drunk and honest and giggling. Yet you could tell it was more of a nervous giggle than a mockery “You’re my best friend, like, I’m…” a giggle “I’m wasted, but I think even if sober, I couldn’t tell you how much you mean to me cuz there’s no word on that for English. Love is the closest one it exists.”
The words catch her by surprise — the Girl was her best friend since children, they did everything together, but she never said those words to Shauna. Not often enough for it to be a constant. Sometimes, it made her feel like an accessory and less of an equal.
It's the first time she tells Shauna she loves her since they were kids.
“I love you too, Jackie.” She tells her, and she does. For all her flaws, that is her best friend. They are always there for each other. Even when they were 8 and Shauna’s parents divorced and she lied about it because she was too upset. The Girl had comforted her, not paying attention to the lie “I don’t imagine a world without you in it.”
(Colorless. Beige. Bloody. Numb.)
The Girl kisses her cheek.
“May you celebrate many more, we still got our 18th, 21st, and 25th to go!”
“Why 18th?”
“We can buy cigs legally.”
“You already do that.”
The Girl laughs.
Whatever this memory was, her vision was blurry from crying. Shauna feels that it would’ve hurt less to remove her heart and give it to Morningstar. She’s breathing heavily, and can’t stop shaking. She feels Taissa’s forehead kiss as they finally exit Hell, and puts her arm around Shauna in a hug, relying part of her weight on her.
Lucifer accepts, and Taissa can go with them.
“It’s okay, Shauna,” Misty tells her as she guides them past the throne. Escorted by traitors who will never give the opportunity they have “Whatever you gave away…if the Girl remembers, she can share it with you.”
Shauna nods — though it will not be the same, it will just be a story. Instead of a key memory, she doesn’t regret it. She hopes the Girl understands that she cannot leave the people she loves behind in Hell. They might be in Hell, but they aren’t all bad. That has to count for something.
“Misty.” Shauna says Misty turns around “…I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t leave you behind either.”
Misty stares as if Shauna has grown another head, and then she smiles. Oddly enough, Shauna smiles too.
Orpheus from the Tale is the one that will escort them to purgatory, Shauna shows him the letter. He nods and tells them to get on the boat. His own Eurydice is in another afterlife, never to see her again. He was given the chance and failed, so now he helps those who are on their journey to reach Heaven.
“I’ve never been in Purgatory.” He tells them “But I don’t think demons will attack you, like in Hell. You will know when you come closer to your goal.”
“Anything is better than Hell.”
“That I agree with,” Orpheus says amused, and he doesn’t say much after that.
“Morningstar said his face and beauty change with what you deem the most beautiful.” Shauna says, and even though it is something stupid, she can’t get it out “He had…blonde hair and green eyes for me, you all…?”
Taissa sighs.
“Red hair, as fiery as flames.” And a nostalgic smile “And dark skin, like my ex-wife.”