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Elle held JJ tightly in her arms as they lay together in bed. She watched her blonde eyelashes flutter as she slept. JJ’s hand clutched to Elle’s t-shirt, forcing her close. As angry as Elle felt, she couldn’t be mad with her baby’s sweet face. Her little one’s pink cheeks or her soft whimpers as she slept.
Being JJ’s caregiver was harder than being an FBI agent sometimes, especially when they fought. There was nothing more in the world that Elle wanted than for JJ to be happy. To be trauma-free and able to live the life she deserved - one where she was happy. Elle tried too hard to give that to her all the time but JJ made it so hard. Particularly today.
The team were on the jet, heading home. It had been a tough case and JJ had to tell quite a few families about their children dying. Elle understood she’d be hurting. But what Elle hated was how high and tough her walls built up.
“What do you want for dinner, Jay?” Elle asked, sitting beside her on the plane.
“Nothing,” JJ replied, staring out of the window.
“Do you want to talk about what you’re feeling?”
JJ scoffed at that. “No, I don’t and even if I did, it wouldn’t be with you.”
“Jennifer!” Hotch scolded. JJ looked at him and rolled her eyes.
“What?”
“Just talk to us JJ, why are you doing this again?”
“Doing what?” JJ stood up and threw up her arms.
“This stinking attitude! I asked if you wanted to talk, I’m trying to be here for you and you do this! You bring everyone down and it’s not fair,” Elle explained.
“And you think everyone treating me like I’m incapable and inferior is fair?” JJ shouted.
“How do we do that?”
“Oh, ‘Are you okay, Jay?’, ‘Do you need any help, Jay?’, ‘Have you got this handled?’. I’m an adult with a job like the rest of you!!”
“I’m sorry -”
“No, I don't want to hear you say sorry!”
“Then what do you want from me JJ?” Elle shouted back.
“You don’t understand anything!” JJ screamed. She pushed her way out of the seat and went straight to the plane's bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Elle sighed and sat back in the seat, rubbing her temples.
“Did you know when feelings like that are triggered, it’s usually derived from childhood trauma where the victim didn’t feel listened to or seen?” Reid spoke up. Everyone looked at him in shock and Elle groaned.
“No shit Sherlock,” she mumbled before getting out of her seat and heading over to the bathroom. She wasn’t going to force her way in but she needed to make sure she could hear if anything bad happened. She sat outside and put her head back, once again putting JJ first.
When the jet landed, JJ finally came out of the bathroom and grabbed her bag. She stormed off the plane and straight over to one of the cars. She got into the driver's seat and started the car. However, Hotch was quick to open the door.
“You’re not driving,” he said simply.
“Why not,? I’m perfectly capable of driving a car,” JJ said.
“Because I know you and I know this mood far too well. Get out, you can get in the passenger seat,” he said. JJ threw her head back but climbed out of the car. She knew not to argue with Hotch.
Upon getting out of the car, JJ saw the look on Elle’s face - anger, upset, hurt. It was a lot and instantly, JJ’s heart dropped. She’d done that.
“Get in the front then,” Hotch said. JJ nodded and headed around the car, watching as Elle climbed in with Spencer and Gideon. She put her belt on silently and waited for Hotch to drive off.
“You can sort this out you know,” Hotch said after a few minutes.
“Sort what out? I don’t know what you mean,” JJ replied.
“Jay,” he sighed. “Elle cares about you so much, she only wants to help you but you push her and everyone else away.”
“No one understands,” JJ sighed, turning her head away to hide the tears.
“Understand what?”
“What it feels like for me,” JJ said. “How angry I get. How I feel so much like a child again Hotch. It- it isn’t just outward, it’s inward too. I’m constantly fighting this battle of the regression and when it’s triggered, especially at work, I want it all to go away. I want the trauma to go away, the memories, the feelings, the anger - Hotch I hate it.”
Hotch sighed, he did understand. “I get it, darling, I do. No one deserves to go through what you go through on a daily basis but we are here to help. We might not understand because we don’t struggle like you but we all have trauma, Elle has a lot more than you realize and she wants to help. But you have to let her in for her to help you.”
“Letting people in is so hard.”
“I know it is and I’m not saying you have to let the entire team in. I’m just saying it will help to open up to Elle a little more. Talk about it, feel it with her. She wants you to be happy and she will do anything for you to be happy baby,” Hotch explained. JJ nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest.
She wanted to make Elle happy too. They got back to the BAU and Elle sat at her desk, ready to finish up her reports when JJ walked over sheepishly. She kept her head down and played with her hands and Elle looked up at her.
“You need something, Jareau?” She asked and JJ gulped, feeling awful.
“Can we talk?”
“Oh, now you want to talk? Now you’ve hurt me and upset me with your words again?” Elle stood up and went to walk away but JJ grabbed her wrist. Elle was forced around and JJ’s mouth fell open. She didn’t want Elle to go, to leave her there in the bullpen with everyone staring at her but she couldn’t beg her to stay. But Elle read JJ’s expression. She could see she was hurt and felt guilty.
Elle took a deep breath and turned fully to her girl. She took her hand in hers before pulling her away from the other prying eyes. JJ felt tears prick in her eyes but pushed them away. She was a big girl.
They got to JJ’s office and Elle shut the door behind them. She let go of JJ’s hand and crossed her arms.
“Go on then,” she mumbled. “Talk.”
“I’m sorry I was horrible to you,” JJ mumbled, her eyes down and her lip quivering. “I didn’t mean to make you upset and angry.”
“JJ it’s not about making me upset and angry,” Elle sighed. “I’m upset and angry that this is happening again.”
JJ nodded, understanding. “I’m trying to be better-” she gasped, really trying hard to hold back her tears.
Elle could tell from the way her shoulders were slumped and her face was down. JJ’s blonde hair hid her face from Elle and she took a step closer to her little one. JJ gasped and flinched, subconsciously scared and Elle’s heart dropped.
“Love,” she mumbled, holding out her hands. She knew JJ knew she wasn’t going to hurt her she just needed to prove it to her too.
“I’m sorry,” JJ mumbled again and brought her own shaking hands up to her face as the damn broke. Her sobs wracked through her small frame and Elle grabbed her, pulling her into her arms. She rubbed her back and caressed her head. JJ clung to Elle’s top as it soaked up her tears, yet again. She didn’t feel good enough for Elle or anyone.
“You’re okay,” Elle mumbled, holding her tighter. “I’ve got you. You’re safe.”
They got home an hour later, and JJ was as small as ever. She clung to Elle, and begged for Elle - she just wanted to be held and looked after. Elle did it all, of course, she made her bottle, bathed her and got her changed into her pjs for bed. But she still felt let down, she still felt like she was getting nowhere with JJ. It was work, anger, meltdowns and then regression every time. Elle never found the right time to talk to her about it and sometimes she thought JJ did it on purpose. But she knew she didn’t. She knew JJ had had the toughest childhood out of all of them and she genuinely did struggle. She knew JJ wouldn’t hurt her like this on purpose.
Holding her in the bed, she hated how hard these things were but thought of all the sweet, amazing times she had with JJ. Elle knew she didn’t hate the regression, she didn’t hate little JJ or being her caregiver - she just hated the fact it happened because it meant her baby was hurting. And she didn’t know how to take the pain away.